Why Men Reminisce About Ex Girlfriends

flickr image by D Domondon

Psychologists’ Viewpoint

In the movies, the scenes of lovers walking hand in hand are beautifully photographed—and when a man brings his old girlfriend to mind, memory supplies that same ambience.

“She is associated with a time when he felt positive about the future, before he’d experienced real disappointment,” says Marty Klein, therapist, author and expert on nale sexuality.  “When he thinks of her, he feels good about himself again.  She’s his touchstone to his glory days.”

The old girlfriend may also represent the “road not taken.”  If he’s not in a good relationship, he may fantasize about what might have been with this “one perfect woman,”  says Herb Goldberg, Ph.D., therapist and author of The New Male and other books on male psychology.  A man may also revisit the pat more often if the relationship ended with unresolved issues.

Scientific Viewpoint

The ferocity of early attachment is the result of a brain chemical released during lovemaking, say researchers.  This is the reason why young men bond more intensely.

Endocrinological researcher Bradley T. Smith, MD, Ph.D., says there is a physical basis for emotional bonding.  “Oxytocin, a chemical produced in the hypothalamus region of the brain during lovemaking, is sometimes called the ‘attachment chemical’ because it generates feelings of closeness.”  Oxytocin and other pleasure-inducing chemicals are most abundant in men in their 20s and early 30s, which is why intimate connections forged in those years remain so intense in the male memory.

Because of this physiological phenomenon, says Berni Zilbergeld, Ph.D., author of The New Male Sexuality, “an early love may set the standard for women to come.”

So, as a word of advice to men, if ever you may feel like going back to an old flame, take note of these findings.  Your body chemistry might just be sending the signals.  This is the time for you to use your logic, your will, and your life philosophy.  It’s up to you to decide.