Different
by Personal confession about the fear of disclosing mental health issues.
We all try so hard to be individuals. Yet, we don’t want to be so different that we become outcasts. Quite a predicament.
When we perceive ourselves as too different, we will hide behind any sort of wall that lends itself as protection. The question is why?
The answer is because too different is scary to other people. If we are too different, people will not look us in the eye when we pass on the street. In fact, people may walk out of the way to avoid us. People you thought were friends may even stop talking to you.
Therefore, those of us who are different in a socially unacceptable way hide. We will hide behind false smiles. We will not share our deepest secrets with even our closest friends. We pretend all is well in our world because it is safer than facing the rejection from the world around us.
The above reasons are why I kept my mental health issues a secret for so long. I was sure that I would open myself up for rejection. People would avoid me as if I had just promised to poison their dog or slash their tires.
My problem is that Bipolar is a part of who I am. Hiding that part of me holds tremendous challenges. I was told that I can’t tell people about the Bipolar because it will make my situation worse. But, as I found out, not telling makes the situation worse because I feel as if I’m telling lies to everyone who asks how I’m doing.
I’ve worn the plastic smile for years. I’ve hidden in the corner of my room and cried in the dark too many times. I’ve wanted to wander off in the darkness and never find my way back. Yet, here I remain. And now I’m coming out of my safety zone and opening myself up for rejection.
Yet, somehow, I feel better about opening up than hiding. I can no longer pretend to be what I am not. I feel better about myself knowing that if people reject me for who I am, at least they know the truth about me.
And the truth is-I am different-maybe too different for you. I am Bipolar. It is a chemical imbalance that is being treated. I am not crazy. I am not contagious and I will not slash your tires.
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Post CommentLorrie
On April 5, 2009 at 2:23 am
Yes, unfortunatly, diffrent has all kinds of faces, good and bad. I never thought I was the type to gock at the diffriences in people but I had a few encounters where I did stop and stare. Once in October, 1998 at a haunted house. One of the people there was missing the bottom part of his body. He walked on his hands and was dressed like a ghost. It took me a moment to realize how efective he was in the setting I saw him in and how much I admired him for doing something I would have not if in his “shoes”.
The second time was when I met on of the great grand kids of the “Lobster Man”. He was an atraction in fairs at the turn of the century. This woman also had the hands and feet that looked like pinchers. I snapped out of the stare mode when she wanted to show me pictures of her family. She was proud of her rich history and told me how her great grand dad turned a diffrence and potential handycap into wealth and acceptance.
You have to admire people who do what they want in life and ignore the way other people precieve their diffrences.
Thank you for getting my mind to remember those things.