Life can bring moments of searing pain. Relief often depends upon the circumstances surrounding the pain: illness requiring surgery, childbirth which leads to great joy, pain brought on by physical exertion, often relieved by the thrill of accomplishment.  But what of spiritual pain? Is there a cure for pain which pierces, not the body, but the soul?

My own experience suggests there is.

In recent months, my life has taken several twists and turns, and none seem to be for the better.  In the spring my wife of twenty years was diagnosed with cancer. Surgery and chemotherapy followed.  All seemed to go swimmingly, until she began experiencing nausea and dizziness a month ago. The doctors remain mystified as to what is the cause.  In the meantime, I watch the love of my awaken daily to misery and worry.

I was out of work at the time of her diagnosis, but since then have found a job. It’s a recently added position, and I am creating the job as I go.  There is plenty of work. Sounds all right, eh?

However, as in all things, there is a dark side.  There are endless meetings, bureaucracy, and a boss who does “sweat the small stuff” and micromanages the oddest of situations.  And the people higher up in the organization are mired in an era and way of doing things which makes no allowance for creativity or new ideas.  I would leave, except that we desperately need the income. I’m stuck.

In the midst of her chemotherapy, we lost our dog of sixteen years.  Now, this might seem a trifling thing, except that for a childless couple, she was our child. She went everywhere with us, shared everything with us. It’s difficult to describe just how painful her loss has been.

I’m not recounting all this to elicit sympathy. In trying times such as these, my wife and I have relied on our faith to sustain us.  In our darkest moments, it seemed that God laid his hands on us and healed us. 

However, this episode has been more prolonged, more emotionally traumatic, and for me has actually brought physical anguish as well as spiritual. At times the pain seems to radiate outward from my chest, as if my soul is being wrenched from my body. 

Some people say “Go see a doctor.”  Well, I have, and there’s nothing amiss. Others tell me this is just a sign of the stress I’m under.  “Exercise, be active, keep yourself busy.” is their advice. 

So, we walk every day, hike when my wife’s fatigue allows. My job keeps me busy, even if the work is tiresome and tedious.  Still, during quiet moments, the hurt returns.

We find ourselves wondering; “Is God listening?”  Our faith tells us that He is, but for us poor temporal beings, where is the evidence? 

I’ve found that only two things help alleviate my spiritual anguish: writing, and meditation.  I’ve kept a diary of our experiences.  Writing about them seems to help; reading and remembering dulls the pain of the moment through distance, I suppose.

Meditation is something new to me.  Many Christians shy away from meditation as a tool of evil (or worse, too Catholic). For me, the quiet contemplation has been transforming. 

I make certain to find some quiet time during the day, even if just before drifting off to sleep.  I replay some particular event from the day, visulaize what happened, try to awaken my feelings from that moment.  Then, I simply fix my mind on an image of God. This can be anything from His portrait in the Sistine Chapel to a vision of my beloved Colorado high country.  I silence my mind, and concentrate on the image before me.  Slowly, I begin to sense the pain leaving me, literally draining away.  I can’t say how long this goes on. But it seems to work. 

It’s my belief that God has given me a new direction of faith and spiritual growth through meditation. We still pray in the traditional way, still worship as we did. But I can say unreservedly that our faith has changed. 

So, what’s next? Well, my wife is still sick; we still miss our beloved dog terribly; my job still is a struggle.  But the searing, crippling spiritual anguish of the past weeks has lessened a great deal, and I believe it will soon be completely gone. I firmly believe that our lives have taken a new direction.  Better, worse?  I’ll get back to you.