When Spiritual Pain Becomes Physical

Some people say “Go see a doctor.”  Well, I have, and there’s nothing amiss. Others tell me this is just a sign of the stress I’m under.  “Exercise, be active, keep yourself busy.” is their advice. 

So, we walk every day, hike when my wife’s fatigue allows. My job keeps me busy, even if the work is tiresome and tedious.  Still, during quiet moments, the hurt returns.

We find ourselves wondering; “Is God listening?”  Our faith tells us that He is, but for us poor temporal beings, where is the evidence? 

I’ve found that only two things help alleviate my spiritual anguish: writing, and meditation.  I’ve kept a diary of our experiences.  Writing about them seems to help; reading and remembering dulls the pain of the moment through distance, I suppose.

Meditation is something new to me.  Many Christians shy away from meditation as a tool of evil (or worse, too Catholic). For me, the quiet contemplation has been transforming. 

I make certain to find some quiet time during the day, even if just before drifting off to sleep.  I replay some particular event from the day, visulaize what happened, try to awaken my feelings from that moment.  Then, I simply fix my mind on an image of God. This can be anything from His portrait in the Sistine Chapel to a vision of my beloved Colorado high country.  I silence my mind, and concentrate on the image before me.  Slowly, I begin to sense the pain leaving me, literally draining away.  I can’t say how long this goes on. But it seems to work. 

It’s my belief that God has given me a new direction of faith and spiritual growth through meditation. We still pray in the traditional way, still worship as we did. But I can say unreservedly that our faith has changed. 

So, what’s next? Well, my wife is still sick; we still miss our beloved dog terribly; my job still is a struggle.  But the searing, crippling spiritual anguish of the past weeks has lessened a great deal, and I believe it will soon be completely gone. I firmly believe that our lives have taken a new direction.  Better, worse?  I’ll get back to you.