A Matter of Pride

A few months ago, the boyfriend of a young woman I worked with came into the restaurant and asked his girlfriend for money so he could go “out with the boys.” Though she looked unhappy with the request the young lady turned over her nights tips to her boyfriend.

I later discovered that she lived with her boyfriend and his brother neither of who were working. Her income was not only paying for all the household expenses but for these two grown men to be entertained. Curious, I began asking questions and discovered of the 19 women who work at the restaurant 12 of them were supporting men who were not working and many of these men had not held a job in years.

Through conversations with these women over the last several months I have learned that the woman are the only wage earners of the family but that they go home and tend to most of the household chores and in the cases where there are young children at home, they pay for child care as their significant other does not want to be tied with kids all day.

When asked why these men were not working or at least looking for work, most of the women replied that the men could not find jobs that paid them what they were worth. They actually told me that it would damage their boyfriends or husbands pride to take a job that was beneath them.

What pride are we taking about here? It seems to me that both the men and women in these situations have little pride in themselves.

I cannot imagine a man who has any pride at all allowing his wife or girlfriend to work at a grueling job while he does nothing at all either to aid in their financial situation or to make life easier for the woman at home.

In fact, these men are not only depending on these women to support them financially but to care for them by doing the cooking, the laundry, and other tasks they feel are beneath them. And then they expect the women to pay for their entertainment when they get tired of staying at home doing nothing.

The women too seem to lack pride in themselves. They are either unable or unwilling to tell the men in their lives that they need to get off their butts and start contributing to the relationship. I find myself wondering if these women have so little self esteem that they feel they don’t deserve anything better than to tie themselves to a freeloader.

What has happened to the self esteem of these young men and women?. Have we as parents, somehow sent the wrong message to our children?

In teaching daughters to be more capable and believing that they could, if necessary, do it all somehow given them the message that they must do it all?

Has our own quest for higher and higher wages somehow given our sons the message that their worth should be based on demand and not performance?

I don’t have the answers but I what I do know is that non working males expecting the women in their lives to take care of them is a growing tend and an alarming one that we need to focus on correcting.

Somehow, we must send the message to young girls that they have value. That they have the right to expect the men in their lives to show them respect and that respect should and must include a willingness to contribute to the economic and non economic benefit of the family. That while in todays economy women need to help ease the financial burden they need not and should not carry the entire burden alone. That tying themselves to a man who refuses to work or help the family in any way is detrimental to the men, themselves, and the family as a whole.

We must teach our young men, that having pride means being self supporting and supporting the family both financially and emotionally.

We must teach our young men that no job is beneath them, and that we all have to start at the bottom to gain experience in the work force. That life is not a series of bars hopping, and fishing events. That they must step up and start taking responsibility for their own lives.

We must give our children back their pride.