The Pessimist

Mr. Pessimist is kin to the Enabler,except the Pessimist tends to make you feel stupid for enjoying life.

At Disney World, you can always tell the pessimists. The park posts signs listing the wait time. Usually, it will give a wait time of 80 minutes, when its more like 15 or 20. Some say they do this to shorten the line, because they know there’s a lot of people who will see “80 minute wait” and say “Oh, screw this, I”m getting another hotdog.’

The world is like a theme park. Pessimists see the signs and walk away. You don’t have to follow. When they laugh at you for trying, thumb your nose, don your Mickey Mouse ears and get in line.

The Manipulator

A manipulator uses guilt to get what they want. If you don’t agree with them, they sulk. If you don’t give in, they threaten. They have a way of making you look guilty when you did nothing wrong. You always seem to be wrong. They are clingy, demanding all your attention, monopolizing your time. They don’t seem to understand what a “lie” is.

The Enabler

This person blows smoke in your face when they know you’re trying to quit. They call you at your AA meeting to invite you to a bar, constantly undermining your efforts to improve yourself.

Enablers believe life is miserable. They tease exercisers, healthy eaters, people with new found (or newly lost) religion. Enablers laugh at newlyweds, because “it will never last”. When they see you doing something that will improve your career, your finances or your intellectual life, they want to stop you because are scared they might be wrong. Your happiness threatens their misery. The Enabler is a Disabler in disguise.

The Victim

This person only tells one side of the story- and they have alot of stories. The teller at the bank, people of other races, the opposite sex, God- they all exist to violate Ms. Victim.

See, the thing is, Ms. Victim probably has been victimized. Victims have real heartache that colors their interaction with the world. You should know that if everybody victimizes them, eventually you will, too. You will say the wrong thing, buy the wrong gift, make friends with the wrong people. It’s not you, its them.

When they talk about others, change the subject. If they complain “Man, I’m screwed because blacks/whites/Hispanics/women/teletubbies are taking over the world,” frown and say nothing. Either the victim will realize how often they complain or they will decide that you, too, are the enemy and set you free.

The Sometimer

You always have to call them, even on your birthday . They tell you they will do things that they don’t do. Not little things like cleaning out the garage- things like showing up for dinner or helping you move. The book of Proverbs says “A promised gift that never comes is like clouds with no rain.”

If you were to break your leg in the wilderness, this fool will leave you flat on your back for the wolves to snack on. People who love you will seek out your company. The world is a big place and you don’t have to settle for friends who make you feel like the geeky kid tagging along.

The Two-Timer

You: Hi, Jane.

Jane: Hi. Did you see Dick? Man, that guy is creepy. He’s all, like, creepy and everything. Isn’t he creepy?

You: Well, he is a little odd…

Jane:Yeah, totally. Well, bye.

(NEXT DAY)

You: Hi, Dick

Dick: Oh,it’s you.

You: Yeah. What’s wrong?Are you mad at me?

Dick: Of course I’m mad at you.

You: ?

Dick: Jane said that you called me creepy.

The Puritan

Puritans see sin everywhere. You will never be holy enough for them. Asking them if they want ice cream prompts a recitation of Mosaic dietary laws. Everybody on television, from Baby Einstein to Larry King is trying to recruit them to homosexuality. They claim that Teddy bears are “graven images”.

That’s not faith. That’s self-righteousness.

There Are Hundreds Of Paths Up The Mountain

There are hundreds of paths up the mountain,
all leading in the same direction,
so it doesn’t matter which path you take.
The only one wasting time is the one
who runs around and around the mountain,
telling everyone that his or her path is wrong.

(Hindu teaching)