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It is a convention room filled with socially inept thirty-something virgins dressed as intergalactic space heroes. As one travels from convention booth to convention booth, he or she can feel the utter stench of desperation to belong. There are freaks of every size, shape, color, and sex, (even some that can be classified as multi-sexed). The array of costumed kooks that roam the corridors is endless. Bringing forth the question: Who is nuttier, Star Trek Fans or Star Wars Fans?

On September 8, 1966, a little known show called Star Trek debuted on television. The show’s ratings were average at best, and after only three seasons it was cancelled. The show lay dormant for almost ten years until its release into syndication. Like a moth to a light bulb, prepubescent soon-to-be eighties yuppies latched on to this show with a vengeance. The success that reruns garnered for Star Trek was enough to turn out multiple movies, four spin-off series, and a cartoon series. This just brought the nut jobs out of the woodwork like ants at a picnic.

Unlike Star Trek, Star Wars was an instant success. Upon its release on May 25, 1977, kids and adults were going bananas for this space age thrill ride. It didn’t take a second run for folks to identify with these characters, no sir no way. Big kids everywhere were prancing around in their cinnamon bun hair dos, wielding lightsabres and saving the galaxy from utter doom. Many Fanboys, as Star Wars Fans are known, will have the Trekkies know that this tidbit alone is reason for their supremacy.

Star Wars has its eponymous opening: “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…” Many a young lad has experienced premature ejaculation when reading this opening crawl. For example, while sitting in the movie theater awaiting the start of X-men 2 – X-men United, the trailer for Star Wars Episode 2 – Attack of the Clones came up on the screen. As the crawl popped up on the screen, the forty-six year old man (if you can call him a man) next to my wife, kids and I had an eruptive popcorn and diet soda orgasm.

But let us not forget the Trekkies. They too have an equally sensational opening. Who can dismiss the unmistakable voice of one Captain James Tiberius Kirk as he prologues, “Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life; to boldly go where no man has gone before.” This is the call of the Trekkies!

Let’s talk about costumes. Star Trek just screams fashion. Oh how the ladies love a man in tight polyester pants, shiny go-go boots, and a two-size too small blouse. It just screams: SEX APPEAL! This is the calling card of Trekkies. They have these crazy costumes, circa 1966, that are an eye sore and a true challenge to physics majors everywhere. How does one get 250 pounds of shit into a 150 pound sack? This is one of life’s great mysteries.

This may be a turning point for Fanboys. As crazy as they are, Star Wars Fans put endless hours into the detail and true replication of their costumes. There are patterns, blueprints, and schematics for the construction and production of costumes. The Internet is riddled with web sites full of genuine authentic replications of costumes. A Fanboy could purchase said costume, but what fun would that be? Toiling away for hours at hand to get the rebellion insignia just right. Now that’s commitment. (Or maybe that’s a good reason for commitment.) These fans are neither lazy nor half-hearted, except when it comes to holding down a steady job, a relationship that doesn’t occur in a chat room, or any other kind of social interaction on a normal human level.

Unfortunately, every saga has a dark side. There is no love lost between Fanboys and Trekkies. This is gangland violence at its best. Think of “The Crypts vs. The Bloods, The Musical!” At the San Diego Comicon, the worst recorded Fanboy/Trekkie bloodbath occurred. There were multiple Vulcan pinch bruises, plastic lightsaber contusions, and heat rash as far as the eye could see. One has never experienced that much carnage, costumed mayhem and make-up smearing in his or her life!

For years people have pondered the questions of who is better: Elvis or The Beetles, John Wayne or Clint Eastwood, Bruce Lee or Chuck Norris, Cats or Dogs, White or Wheat, and now Star Trek Fans or Star Wars Fans. I must say simply; they’re both a big bag o’ nut burgers.