The Gnarly Canadian Test

1. What is the first letter in the Canadian alphabet?

1. Eh
2. x
3. B
4. All of the above.

2. Who is Jean Chretien?

1. A chicken farmer from western Ontario.
2. Your uncle’s brother.
3. The guy who started Wendy’s.
4. The producer of Dumbo.

3. According to Canadian custom, what is the first thing you do upon entering someone else’s home?

1. Proceed to the bathroom and before leaving, employ the
   plunger at least twice.
2. Offer to watch the igloo while they run down to the town hut
   for some whale blubber.
3. Take off your moccasins.
4. Pledge allegiance to the Maple Leaf.

4. What is the correct pronunciation of the word “about”?

1. huh?
2. ebbowetv
3. ayboot
4. Is this a trick question?

Now that we’ve proved you’re truly Canadian…

5. What are prairie oysters?

1. An exotic delicacy enjoyed only by gourmets in Manitoba.
2. A rare breed of caterpillar that lay their eggs in wheat
   crops.
3. Small crustaceans found in the rivers of Saskatchewan.
4. Wombat food.

6. What is a touque?

1. The plunger you employed in question 3.
2. A multi spiked cannonball used by British soldiers in WWI.
3. The technical name for those furry things your cat coughs up
   every four hours.
4. Those really ugly tropical fruit hats.

7. What is the Bluenose?

1. Curse of Yukon women.
2. A rare strain of hives.
3. A purebred Smurf dog.
4. Bigfoot’s aunt.

8. What does NASA REALLY stand for?

1. Nude Americans Smell Awful
2. Never Again Shall I Abbreviate
3. Who cares?
4. Navel Autographing Studio Eh?

9. Tim Horton was ORIGINALLY known for what?

1. Riding a camel bareback across the border.
2. Peddling shoelaces and pencils at the APEC convention.
3. Being a pioneer in the doughnut industry.
4. Overdosing on live goldfish in the 70’s.

10. What is the capital of Canada?

1. Saskatoon
2. Montreal
3. North pole
4. C

11. What is the bird on the Canadian flag?

1. Platypus
2. Blue jay
3. Flamingo
4. Penguin

12. How long was the Seven Years War?

1. Seven years. Duh!
2. Four score and ten years.
3. Not long enough.
4. 3.7 meters

13. What is Canada ‘ s second official language?

1. Pakistanis
2. Russian
3. Luxembourgian
4. Spanish

14. What is the proper pronunciation of Canada?

1. Ca-nuh-deh
2. Uh-mar-icka-sux
3. There is none.
4. vin-ter-ist-kold-heer

15. Who are the Metis?

1. A political party of Canada.
2. Those guys who are always hanging around you after school.
3. Canadian spies (same thing as b).
4. Ancient name for Japanese tourists who are addicted to backgammon.

16. Approximately, what is the population of Canada?

1. 24 and the family dog.
2. As many people as can fit in three igloos.
3. b minus what the polar bears ate for lunch.
4. Not enough to worry about.

17. What tree does Canadian maple syrup come from?

1. Oak.
2. Blue Spruce.
3. Corn stalks.
4. Brazilian rubber trees

18. What is the name of Canada ‘ s new territory?

1. Bob’s Land.
2. Uktunanriopfithnod.
3. I don’t even know the oldest one!
4. http://www.youdon ‘ tknowanythingaboutcanada.com/GIVEITUP!

19. Who was John A. Macdonald?

1. Founder of the McDonald ‘ s fast food chain.
2. A French guy who made the recipe for pea soup.
3. Just another bum on the street.
4. Mother Goose ‘ s owner.

20. Why do you think we made this test?

1. To give Americans something to think about.
2. We were bored. REALLY bored.
3. Everyone needs a little Canadian in them.
4. To give Canadians something to laugh about.

21. What are soapstone carvings made with?

1. Soap.
2. Pumpkin seeds.
3. Maple syrup from question 17.
4. George-Etienne Cartier ‘ s body remains (this would make them especially rare!).

22. What is the purpose of a soapstone carving?

1. To get clean.
2. To use as a flush tablet.
3. Alternate for a cross in the Baptist religion.
4. So we can all have something of George Cartier.

23. How are the Northern Lights formed?

1. Inuit fireworks.
2. A reflection off of grandpa ‘ s head.
3. A tropical migration of flying rainbow trout.
4. They don ‘ t exist. Twice a year an epidemic of delusions sweeps across the country.

24. What is the national sport of Canada?

1. Pow wows.
2. Snowball fighting.
3. Fencing. “ Touché! ”
4. Ballet.

25. Why are you taking this test?

1. Because you ‘ re stupid.
2. Because you have nothing better to do.
3. To see if you ‘ re truly Canadian (if you ‘ re an American this would probably not be the best choice!)
4. Because you needed to find some resourceful information.

26. How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1. 1.43902.
2. None. We get a China man off the railroads to do it.
3. Less than how many Americans it takes (hahaha!).
4. We don ‘ t use light bulbs. We use seal oil lamps.

27. How many feet of snow does Canada get in one year?

1. 300.
2. What’s a feet?
3. What is snow?
4. I don’t know! I can ‘ t get to the top to see!

28. What do Canadians use for toilet paper?

1. Birch bark.
2. Snow.
3. Soapstone carvings (poor Mr. Cartier!).
4. A touque.

29. What does the RCMP stand for?

1. Royal Canadian Mounted Pedestrians.
2. Really Cool Milk Pails.
3. I thought I ‘ d never abbreviate again!
4. Re-used Corrugated Maple Parsley.

30. What are the Maritimes?

1. A fancy French name for when you change a baby ‘ s diaper.
2. A string of taverns in eastern Saskatchewan.
3. Joined Canadian brands for fishing rods.
4. Twins off of “ The Young and the Restless. ”

31. Where is Ellesmere Island?

1. In Russia.
2. Second star to the right and straight on ” til morning.
3. Follow the bison trail North.
4. There is no such place.

32. What is Ellesmere Island famous for? (If you guessed d on the last question you’re in for a surprise!)

1. Highest population in Canada (three whole people!!!)
2. It’s where Santa Clause lives.
3. It’s a brand of sweater made of cashmere.
4. Free hot dogs on Mondays and twice on Thursdays.

33. What are Smarties?

1. Nerds at school.
2. Prescription pills to stimulate Canadian brain cells.
3. Venezuelan postmen.
4. Intelligent ies.

34. What is an ie?

1. A fictional character that I just made up (if you pick this answer you must be
   STUPID!!!)
2. Canadian breed of gerbils.
3. Substitute for -~_@*^- in Yugoslavian.
4. Those little chunkies that come out when you regurgitate.

35. According to Canadian custom, what is the first thing you do to a newborn baby?

1. Put it back if it’s not what you wanted.
2. Put a coat on it before it gets frostbite.
3. We don’t get newborn babies (the conditions are too harsh.)
4. Surrender it to Jack Frost or die!

36. What is a glacier?

1. A custom-made ice pick.
2. A patch of eggplants.
3. A yeti baby.
4. Sasquatch scented Roman candle.

37. Who was Pierre Eliot Trudeau?

1. Shania Twain ‘ s fiancé-to-be.
2. Your long distant cousin from Texas.
3. Mrs. Trudeau ‘ s husband.
4. Your most feared neighbor from h&**!

38. Who is Queen Elizabeth II?

1. A queen of a country in darkest Africa.
2. An extremely insane woman claiming to be a high ruler over many republics.
3. Oldest citizen of Canada.(25 years old!)
4. The lady who thought of commercials.(so many people with too much time on
   their hands!)

39. What do Canadians do in their spare time?

1. Have walrus rodeos.
2. Go to Midget Hortons for a nice timbit.
3. Practice their spear throwing for the annual killer whale hunt
4. Play in the snow. (duh!)

40. What’s the most popular TV show in Canada?

1. Barney!!! (my favorite.)
2. The Young And The Restless.
3. Beverly Hills 90210.
4. Cow And Chicken.

41. What do Canadians have for breakfast?

1. Chocolate Squishies.
2. Metamucil.
3. Seal skin crepes.
4. Powdered Toast.

42. Et tu Brute?

1. Of course!
2. Is that French?
3. Will I be disqualified if I get this one WRONG?
4. It’s Greek to me.

43. When do Canadians speak their language?

1. When they have had too much to drink.
2. At home or on sea.
3. They don ‘ t actually talk, duh!!
4. On their annual three-month cruise to the Jamaican islands.

44. What is the scientific meaning of “ sovereignty ” ?

1. Hand me the beaker with the pink stuff.
2. What ‘ s the password to the Chiral Club?
3. Watch out for the big rock!
4. Oh, there ‘ s the soy sauce!

45. Did question 44 make any sense?

1. Yes.
2. No.
3. Maybe.
4. So.

46. How do they get the caramel inside a Caramilk bar?

1. This isn’t a Canadian question!
2. It ‘ s sorcery!
3. Same way they make jelly-filled doughnuts.
4. Let ‘ s just say it ‘ s not caramel.

47. What would Canada be like without snow?

1. It would be full of dead penguins.
2. The Sahara desert.
3. Like a bowl of soggy cereal.
4. I ‘ d still like to know what snow is, please!

48. What is a penguin?

1. An exotic breed of ice fish (that ‘ s what we get when we go ice fishing.)
2. That big fat bad guy off of Batman.
3. Official name given to offspring of a flubber and a frying pan.
4. A species of talking paper scissors.

49. What do Canadians refer to Americans as?

1. Yankees.
2. Yanks.
3. Americans (your REALLY hoping on this one aren’t you?)
4. I don’t want to know.

50. Ghgdd?

1. Ahklfha.
2. Qytixda, gh bzn!
3. Kdbghis?
4. Mkalbavirlenid.

Congratulations! You have completed the GCT, The Gnarly Canadian Test! For those of you who are taking this test seriously, or for those of you who have low mental limitations or setbacks we would like to mention that this test was designed to expand your Canadian historical and geological knowledge.

As for you Canadians out there, we strongly advise you to have a good laugh now at all the ignorant YANKS (that’s right) who think that this test is for real. In fact, we didn’t even put the correct answers among the choices. So when you go home tonight, or if you are at home, remember, always, that you are a Canadian citizen and that you should hold yourself high (or you might end up dragging your chin on the ground).

We thank you again for taking this test and hope you have finished with a few laughs.