Collaborative Divorce: Reflections From an Almost-divorced Man
Collaborative divorce can be a productive, less painful, less stressful way through the divorce process. It takes some effort and trust, but it can save the divorcing spouses thousands of dollars and get them through the dark period of a divorce much faster than a contested divorce.
Second, it can be much more productive and faster to collaborate on a divorce than fight through attorneys and use the courts. Attorneys introduce a lot of delay into the process, and will sometimes impede progress on the divorce rather than enhance it. Also, if you can coordinate your calendar with the mediator and your spouse, there is less waiting time for the attorneys to review matters and reply to you or the other side.
Third, there can be less stress associated with the process. It is already stressful, but getting calls from your attorney with new demands and time-frames can be distracting and very stressful. Collaborative divorce has its own stresses as well. I found negotiating with my spouse with the mediator to be stressful, but fortunately we turned out to reach difficult but amicable (as these things go) outcomes. Also, a party may retain a consulting attorney for himself or herself but keep the attorney out of the process so the mediation can progress, and the party can check in with that attorney to get comfortable that the compromises are satisfactory.
In summary, I recommend collaborative divorce to try first in a divorce. If it does not work, the parties can always do things the old-fashioned way – contesting the divorce. Even though we think of divorce as commonplace today, it is awfully painful and stressful; I do not wish it on anyone. If it is thrust upon you, and your spouse is a reasonable person that can work through matters in a businesslike way, then collaborative divorce is the best approach to an unfortunate situation.
If you are reading this and starting a divorce or have one in process, my heart is with you during these dark times. I found that focusing on happy activities really helps (a walk in the woods, a talk with a sympathetic friend, etc.), and do those activities as often as you can. I take my kids for a short hike every Sunday, and really appreciate it now more than ever. I think too of a quote from Heller Keller (who came through much worse handicaps than a mere divorce): “Keep your face to the sunshine so you don’t see the shadows.”
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