Priorities During a Crisis Situation

Recently, my boyfriend and I were in a motorcycle accident. We were both taken to an area hospital via ambulance, and I was treated and, later that night, released. Kenny, however, was in the hospital for nearly a month and then continued with outpatient rehabilitation and therapy.

We live alone outside of Orlando. All of Kenny’s family (and mine) live at least 900 miles away. I spent the first 5 days alone with him in the hospital, and when an operation was necessary, his brother – his ‘next of kin’ drove down. A few days later, another brother came to stay for a week, and his family coordinated his children and siblings to rotate weeks to help out during his recuperation.

Kenny’s family has been wonderful, calling and e mailing, and at the same time, respecting my time to heal and they actually worried about pestering me. They were my priority, with help from his kids and ex-wife, we kept everyone informed.

They say that crisis brings out the best in people, but it can also bring out the worst. I had a family member on my side that not only felt the need to call several times a day, but when she was asked to stop, passed along my number to more distant family and they, subsequently called. Ditto for a former co-worker, who was actually angry when I didn’t return her numerous calls! Another former co-workers’ soon to be ex-husband wrote me an e-mail to commiserate about his failing relationship, and after I explained my situation to him, he still wrote me again, with more complaints about her! I actually had to block him from e-mailing me.

Most people mean well, and most want to help. Now that I’ve been in this situation, I’ve come up with some guidelines for those on the outside, to help them help their loved one and their caregiver:

1. Say prayers – the power of prayer works!
2. Be supportive. Yes, ask the caregiver what they need, but know that they may be overwhelmed with concern of their loved one, and they may not be able to articulate exactly what they need. Just be with them. Be proactive…stop by and bring them lunch or take them out to lunch at the hospital cafeteria, mow their lawn, pick up their kids from school, walk their pets. Vacuum their house!
3. Do not push. Consider your relationship to the caregiver and to the patient. If you’re on the opposite side of the family, or not in the immediate circle of friends.step back. Give them room. Your needs do not come first. The caregiver, and eventually, the patient, will get back with you in their own time.
4. Leave old arguments behind. Do not bring up old disagreements at this time. Support is all they deserve and all that they need. Also reconsider sharing your similar health/accident stories – yes, everybody seems to have at least one. This is not the time to share them, either.

For the Caregiver:

• Don’t forget to take care of yourself. You need sleep, too – and not just sitting in a chair.
• Lean heavily on one good friend (or family member). Allow them to be the funnel to the rest of your world. My girlfriend Eva has been invaluable, and has kept me afloat in mind, spirit, and body. I’ll cherish her and her actions forever. She picked me up at the hospital in the middle of the night, called me every morning and night to check on me, as well as Kenny, and has been at our side in person, and has deflected others that have been over-zealous. She was my cushion.
• Use e-mail as a way of keeping in touch. Designate a family member of the patient, a family member of the caregiver, and someone at each work place and circle of friends to keep everyone ‘in the loop’. That way everyone can have questions answered without the ensuing phone call barrage.