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Shame About Who I Am

In the past, I blamed myself for the abuse and believed the lies my abusers told

me. They wanted to make me feel guilty and ashamed. They tried to break me down.

At some point I began to believe their lies. I became trapped in a dismal world of.

In the past, I blamed myself for the abuse and believed the lies my abusers told

me. They wanted to make me feel guilty and ashamed. They tried to break me down.

At some point I began to believe their lies. I became trapped in a dismal world of

self-condemnation. Over time, I started to “shame” and “guilt” myself.

My abusers worked very hard to convince me that the abuse was my fault. They

told me that I was a bad child and they forced me to do things that were against my will.

Over time, I came to agree with their criticism. I started to feel ashamed and guilty for all

the aberrant sexual acts they forced me to perform.

When you are told over and over again that you are a bad person, you begin to

believe it. Shame and guilt becomes a downward spiral that destroys your self-esteem.

At some point I reached the conclusion that there must be some terrible defect in

my character or personality that had caused others to sexually abuse me. I became skilled

at inventing reasons for why I deserved to be abused.

But I am not to blame for what happened. I did not deserve their abuse. I am a

precious, wonderful child of God. I deserve to be loved, honored, supported, and treated

with respect.

Most adults never sexually abuse a child. When they get angry, they express their

anger in a healthy way without abusing or molesting anyone. Most parents discipline

their children with respect.

What is it that my abusers wanted? I believe that all abusers are looking for

someone to hurt with their anger. I was small and defenseless. They believed they could

abuse me without consequence.

A couple of years ago, I married a woman who kept telling me I deserved her

abuse. She criticized me on a daily basis, and yelled at me for increasingly trivial

reasons. She tried to justify her abuse by claiming that I was “always messing things up.”

This was the first time in my adult life I had been criticized or abused in this way.

Had I suddenly become a worthless, incompetent, lazy, insensitive, inconsiderate, messy,

loud person overnight? Or was she an abuser? Did she believe that I was the kind of

person she could abuse? Did she see the victim in me, a survivor of childhood sexual

abuse? I left the moment I realized she would never admit to her behavior, let alone

change it. I left because I had finally had enough of being abused.

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