Step 1:

Don’t take anything your Ex ever said or did personally, because nothing your Ex ever said or did was about you. Even if your Ex downright blames you for everything that went wrong in your relationship, realize their statement is only coming from who they are, which has absolutely nothing to do with the person you are.

Step 2:

However, not taking your Ex personally is a two sided coin. If during the heat of an argument you react and tell your Ex what an idiot THEY are, and how everything is THEIR fault, then it has nothing to do with them. Your statements only reflect the kind of person you are, which is a person who likes to blame and judge. This has nothing to do with your Ex. Therefore, consciously make an effort to be the person you are, regardless of how your Ex is behaving. Make a list of all the qualities you admire in others, for example: kindness, confidence, compassion, and respect. Chances are you already possess the qualities within yourself. Be very careful not to make statements that don’t reflect who you are, even when you may be tempted to give into the hurt and anger you feel.

Step 3

Release your judgments and opinions by becoming friends with Death. As morbid as this sounds, realize that in 100 years, you and your Ex will likely be dead, and nothing you ever fought about will be remembered. If your Ex has the obsessive need to be right and argue with you about everything, give in to their whim and say, “You are absolutely right.” Not only will this reinforce your relationship with Death and save you a tremendous amount of personal power, your Ex will find it impossible to argue with you because you are giving the non-verbal message that it really doesn’t matter. As one my favorite authors Wayne Dyer once said, “Have you ever noticed how hard it is to argue with someone who isn’t obsessed with being right?”

Step 4:

If the hurt and anger is overwhelming, distance yourself from your Ex completely. And no matter what, get on your knees and pray for your Ex every morning. Pray that your Ex will be granted all of the health, wealth and happiness you wish for yourself. Even if you are not a religious person, or you don’t believe in God, the act itself is liberating.

In twelve step programs, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, they are taught to pray for people they have a deep resentment towards. At first, you will not mean a word of the prayer. But if you say the prayer consistently for two weeks, you will come to genuinely mean it, and find that there is a part of you that realizes your Ex is just a human being, with their own imperfections, weaknesses and short comings. If you go deeper, you will realize your Ex may also be a very hurt and scared person – even if they outwardly seem very hostile, aggressive and manipulative. Of course, no matter what happened to your Ex in their childhood or even in their day to day life – it does not give them a reason to mistreat you. But by being aware of the fact that your Ex has a certain set of issues to deal with on their own time, it will help you replace the hurt and anger you feel with compassion and understanding.

Step 5:

Own your personal power. Because when you are who you are, regardless of the situation or circumstance that comes your way, then this transforms you into a very powerful person. This is the step that absolutely baffles your Ex, because by you being who you are, and not letting them get you down – it sends your Ex the non-verbal message that you are who you are and they are who they are. But most importantly, it tells your Ex that you are not going to take any of their crap! When you respond to your Ex’s hostility with kindness, and your Ex’s blame with compassion, it frustrates them to no end, because your Ex cannot get you to play their game.

Step 6:

Come to understand that you are doing all of this work for no other reason than to realize who you are, restore your sense of balance, and reclaim your personal power. If you do all of this work in order to manipulate your Ex, and make them want you back, your Ex will subconsciously sense your intentions, because at one point or another, you will slip and let your intentions be known without realizing it. When this happens, you will give all of your power back to your Ex, and will have to start all over again with Step 1.

Step 6 is often tricky, because if you master each step up to this point, your Ex may very well want to reconcile. At the very least, your Ex will begin responding to the kindness you send their way in a positive fashion. But regardless if you want to get back together with your Ex, just be friends, or just get over the obsessive thinking – remember your sole purpose is to realize who you are, restore your sense of balance, and reclaim your personal power. If you do all of this work just to manipulate your Ex into responding the way you want them to, it may work for a very short period of time. But I guarantee your Ex will pick up on the fact that your intentions are not genuine, and you will lose your personal power. Not only that, but when you genuinely become who you are, you attract the right kind of people to your life. And maybe your Ex is not the person you are meant to be with! And the only way you will know if you are meant to be with your Ex or anyone else is if you are genuinely who you are.

Step 7:

Forgive your Ex, no matter what they did or didn’t do. Unfortunately, it may not be enough at this point to say, “I forgive my ex.” And leave it at that. Forgiveness has little to do with words, and more to do with action. Before proceeding with this step, I recommend reading up on the topic of forgiveness, and reading heroic stories about the power of forgiveness. I once read a story about a woman whose daughter was brutally raped and murdered by a man that was eventually caught and sent to prison. As anyone can imagine, the woman spent years of her life in rage and obsession over what this man had done to her daughter. I am sure there are no words to express how much pain this woman was feeling. However, she somehow stumbled on a book entitled, The Course of Miracles and began reading about what the power of forgiveness could do for her. She started to pray for the man, and eventually sent him a letter, letting him know she had forgiven him for the actions he took against her daughter, even though she didn’t condone his behavior. To make a long story short, the man wrote the woman back and apologized profusely. The woman felt compelled to see this young man in prison, and she held him as he cried during their first visit. To make a long story short, they became friends, and she became his number one advocate in attempts to release him from prison.

There are not a lot of people walking on the planet as courageous as this woman, but it is an extreme example of what is possible within each one of us. I thought about this woman before I reached out to my Ex with forgiveness in my heart. I sent a gift to my Ex and the woman my Ex left me for, which seemed to pale in comparison to this woman’s story. Of course, it took me a little over a year to reach that point, and a lot of soul searching. To this day, I love my Ex with all of my heart on a platonic level. We live in two totally different cities, but still call and send each other emails on occasion as good friends.

I am also in a healthy relationship with someone I am deeply in love with. Next week will be our two year anniversary. I do not think I would be as happy and as deeply in love with this new person as I am now, had I not let go of the anger, bitterness, and resentment I once felt towards my Ex, which is another reason why forgiveness is so important.

A lot of people believe turning off your feelings for a person you once were in a romantic relationship with, or even hating them is a way to show that they are “over” the person. But I believe the exact opposite is true. When you are completely “over” a person, you really wish them nothing but the best – and you are totally detached emotionally from how they act or react. Another point to consider is the fact that love isn’t real unless you loved your Ex for the person they are, not the person you wanted them to be. And just because the romantic relationship didn’t work out, doesn’t mean your Ex isn’t a lovable person.

He is loved by his co-workers.  He shows up on time, hits his marks and hits his lines with professional precision.  He has around three hundred people depending upon him for their jobs with Two and a Half Men and he has yet to let them down; a remarkable feat for an alcohol and drug abuser.  CBS recently defended him, stating that his recent bouts in the hospital would not lead to them firing him because he did his job well and in a professional manner. 

After being hospitalized three times in the last three months, Charlie rejected recommendations to go through the Alcoholics Anonymous recovery steps and set up his own recovery program in his own home.  He claims now that he is sober, but his actions point otherwise. 

On Thursday CBS announced they are ending this season of Two and a Half Men now, with eight episodes left unfinished.  Earlier that day, Charlie Sheen had called in to a radio program and ranted against CBS, Chuck Lorre and AA.  CBS said this was the final straw. 

I watched a couple of videos this morning of an interview by NBC’s Jeff Rosen for the Today Show.  I am saddened by Charlie Sheen’s responses to Jeff Rosen’s questions.

He said that he is now clean and sober and that he did it by closing his eyes and making it so.  He said he has tiger blood and Adonis DNA and that he is tired of pretending that he is not special.  He thinks that CBS should apologize to him while licking his feet and that he should get a raise from 2 million dollars an episode, his current pay, to 3 million dollars an episode, because of all the grief that they have put him and his family through.  He stated that he is at war and that CBS is at war with a warlock.

These are not the words that I would expect to hear from a clean and sober man.  These are the words of a desperate man, one that somewhere deep inside knows that he has a problem, but is not yet willing to admit it. He is using offense as his defense.   

I feel sorry for those three hundred or so workers that no longer have a job to go to. However, I think that CBS made the right decision to pull the show.  To let him continue in this downslide and do nothing to discourage it would be a big disservice to him.  He deserves more.  To be responsible to that many people and more, including his family and his many fans, must exert tremendous pressure on him.  My hope is that this responsibility will ultimately lead to his realization that he has a problem and that he gets the help he so desperately needs.

Yes Charlie you are at war, but not with CBS.  You are at war with yourself.  I hope you win. 

 I hit my first “bottom” on December 25, 1995, when I had made an ass out of myself, yet again, by drinking too much.  The most profound moment of that holiday was not found in family, food, or fun, as I suppose it should have been.  Nope – the most pronounced part of that day was when I “came to” on my sister’s couch with my mother sitting in front of me, sobbing (she never cries) and saying, “You’re killing yourself!”  Not exactly the Currier and Ives holiday portrait.  It was that day that I first admitted – blubbered, to be honest – that I had a drinking problem and that I needed help.  I went to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous the next morning, shaking from alcohol withdrawal, humiliation, and remorse. 

I would like to say that I stayed sober from that day on, but unfortunately, relapse is part of my story.  And sadly, I have had a few of them.  I don’t fault the program of Alcoholics Anonymous for my slips – not at all.  Neither was it because I suddenly believed that I had been “cured” of alcoholism, nor did I come to some stark revelation that I simply was not an alcoholic (a thorough Step One forever sealed that immutable fact).  No, the truth is that every time I “went out” it was because I had let up on the spiritual side of the program.  I have had the humble privilege of having my sponsor take me through the 12 Steps again during this past year and help me reconnect with my Higher Power. 

Alas, I am a “newbie” again (12/08/08), and if there’s anything that I have learned in this past year, it has been to cultivate gratitude.  Be grateful and don’t drink – no matter what.  And, as I have heard an old-timer repeatedly say in my home group, “Life is a series of ‘no matter what’s’.”

I do not have any sage advice about staying sober through the holidays – I respectfully defer to the old-timers for that.  And, as a matter of fact, I still dread the holidays … and perhaps I always will.  But today I know that a drink is not going to make them go away nor make them any more palatable (quite the contrary, I’m sure).  And God, with his persistent sense of humor, saw fit to give me two children, both of whom have a feverish fascination with Christmas.  Little do they know that they, along with my fiancé, my sponsor, and fellow AA’s, help to keep me on the “don’t drink and be grateful no matter what” track.  God willing, my plan this holiday season is to stay on track … 24 hours at a time. 

A friend fixer addict is a person who will, to the exclusion of themselves and sometimes their own family, do whatever it takes to ‘save’ their friend from themselves. Simply because, they think they can. You cannot save someone who does not want saved though. No matter how hard you try, no matter what you sacrifice to help them, they will always ‘need’ more and more from you. This is when you have crossed over from being codependent to being a friend fixer upper addict.

The first step to overcoming this addiction, as with any addiction, is to realize you have a problem. Sounds simple enough right? Wrong! In accepting you have a problem, you have to accept the fact that you have to fix yourself. Which in essence is exactly why you are fixing everyone else. To avoid looking in that mirror at yourself.

I’m sure we all know or have at least heard about the 12 step program in AA and NA. I suppose the same basic theory could be implemented here. However, for the sake of reality, those things rarely work unless you truly want them to. And, most people really don’t even know what those steps mean.

So, here is my two cents worth on summarizing the steps to overcome ‘friend fixer’ addiction.

• Realize that you have a problem.
• Ask for help, don’t always think you have to be the one giving the help.
• Once you ask for help…take the help when it is given!
• Know your emotional limits. (do not allow others to set your limits)
• Set friend boundaries
• Take care of you first, only help if you WANT to, not because you feel you have to.

Lastly, and most definitely not least; you need to accept the fact that sometimes what you think is ‘helping’ your friend is actually making things worse. Sometimes the best way to help someone is to let them fall. Let them learn from their own mistakes. They are adults, let them be adults.

Now that I’ve said all this to you. Let me say one last thing:

Hi, my name is S. Rubeck and I am a ‘friend fixer addict’.

I have taken the first steps toward recovery. I am nowhere near being recovered though. This I fear will be a lifelong affliction that I will constantly have to struggle with. I cannot fix you, but my hopes are that I have at least inspired you to look in the mirror and remember to take care of yourself first.

There are so many times that I feel as if I am going insane in my life. There are times that I think most of us feel down and start considering the crazy alternatives that we normally wouldn’t-but we cannot change our feelings on this, just our actions. I am a firm believer that regardless of our feelings we can “fake it till we make it” on a situation. Perhaps it is gradual but just the action of trying to change your outlook can alter your perspective of your life.Mahatma Gandhi once said,”Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed.Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well.” Perhaps this may sound a little idealistic, but I do believe we can change the actions against the “harmony”.

There were over 800000 suicide attempts in 2005; it is said that a suicide occurs in every 16 minutes. Henry David Thoreau said that the “mass of men live quiet lives of desperation”. I think that these suicide attempts and completions are a reflection of Thoreau’s quote.Rather than faking it till we make it, we often just fake it. We often wear the facade of a happy life. Ashamed of the real turmoil we face in our own lives. Haven’t you ever had your mother or a friend ask you how you were and rather than worrying them or exploiting your problems you just simply reply, “I’m fine. Everything is good.” Short, simple, and through the teeth lying.

I suppose this phrase can fall under the category of wishful thinking.We hope our lives are okay, we try to stay positive, and hope for the best. Rather than enacting the awful desperate times we are in, enact that we are great in all aspects. Saying it is not enough; it must be a life style. And as a plus most men and women are highly drawn to positive people. And so when in doubt or depression, change your actions, because you can’t change much else.

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Many would secretly use and then cover it up-some would go on for months without notice, but eventually the truth would come out. I couldn’t help but also notice the comparisons of who had the worst past. Seriously, it was like a competition of who did the worst things. If I ever did half of the things these people would talk about, I would never want it known to anyone. However, on it would go of “well I prostituted myself for drugs,” and then “Well I left my child at a crack house for collateral while I went to steal money.” Then it would be “Well I served 13 years for armed robbery” to ” Well I stabbed someone and got 13 1/2 years for it”.The stories constantly changed and were always dreadful and the lies became endless.And everyone gossiped about everyone.Everyone would “rat out ” everyone to save themselves. One woman who I will call Mattie had a long history with tho house. She had been married to the owner. And she constantly relapsed but was excused by her ex husband. My mother and father once had to go get her from “crack town” and when found was running naked around a field,doped up and ranting.When clean (or at least supposed to be) she would try to manipulate people and then later use them for favors.She would one minute come and tell us about some guy in the house who was using and sleeping with so and so and then two minutes later we’d walk out of the room to see her talking to the guy and being best friends with him. Sometimes this happened so that we would focus on the other person and not them. Some just liked to gossip. And some just wanted to brown-nose to win favor with us so that we would go easy on them.

The girls who came through, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for. They commonly had the hardest time of letting go of their old selves. They would often be passed around by the guys at the house (although it was forbidden to be intimate with other residents), as well as the guys in their AA or NA meetings. It was really sad. What adds insult to injury is the fact that two addicts often have the hardest time making it as a couple due to the fact that if one relapses, the other is soon to follow.

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I have heard that an addict’s maturity level stops at the point that they start using drugs or alcohol. I believe that this is true in many cases. The maturity may stop but the mindset evolves and lingers way past the person deciding to get clean. While using, many find ways to manipulate people into contributing to their addiction, lying also accompanies the habit. People find ways to use others so that they can benefit. These characteristics were often seen in the house. Girls would use men for money, guys would use girls for sex, they would use others for money, and they would use us for a place to stay(in most cases). If they were late on their rent or for curfew-they would lie. If they were using-they would lie. Many truly did act the age that they began using drugs-like teenagers mostly. They would throw the tantrums, break curfew, “love”one person one week and another the next.

And I cant help but say that we were usually put in the position of parenting. We had to discipline, we had to set rules,and we had to use the method of “tough love” and it was all truly because we cared. We often, and might I add heartbreaking,had to throw people out. Some would move out on their own, ready for their new lives; some were successful,others returned, and some died. The deaths were the hardest to cope with. But that is the life of addiction. That is the risk. Those who didn’t die often lived their same old lives of stealing, drugging, and drinking. One man in particular stayed with us for about a year and he was truly a great man and then he relapsed. It went under the radar for a bit but as with all, he gave himself away.Having to put him out was hard-he was a friend. But under the influence he was someone else-he got belligerent and made the process especially tough. A few months later we heard that he drove his car into a tree,drunk. He nearly died. We admitted him back into the house;he had a leg monitor and parole. The stories are endless and all have touched my heart or opened my eyes in one way or another.

This may not be true for all, it is just my personal experience with those of whom I have gotten to know. I truly grew great affection for many of these people but at times felt so helpless because you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves- and this was often the case. Many just used the house to sleep in-no further purpose of bettering their lives and others just used it as a place to parole to. These motives have been seen, however, I hope that the house did bring hope and help to some. If it hadn’t;t then all the long, strenuous hours spent volunteering for that house were worthless. And so I must make myself believe that in caring,in being there, in setting rules and example that some grew in some way for themselves. I would like to end this with the Serenity Prayer that is used in the AA/NA meetings and that I, not an addict, have used multiple times in my life.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

Grant me the courage to change the things I can

And grant me the wisdom to know the difference.

Image by Mourner via Flickr