1.Relax- breathe in and breathe out

So your spouse comes home and tells you that you have orders. You’ll be moving cross country or perhaps even overseas. Of all the negative things this is right up there with deployment as one of the worst parts. You are most likely settled down and comfortable where you are. You have made friends. Your children, if you have any, may be happy in the school they are at. This is where you need to dig deep for the positivity. Think of this as a major opportunity for you and your family. How many people get to say that they have seen the many variety of places that the military gives us the chance to see? Take a moment to breathe in and breathe out. Good. Now do it again. Relax. The one thing you have to let sink in and stay there for the duration of your spouse’s military career is that the military is in control. You go where they tell you to. This is a fact and unless you plan on staying where you are and living a seperate life from you spouse, you do as told. It makes things go so much easier if you just go with it. Don’t fight it, just plan and prepare for it as well as you can. There are a milion reason to stress out but try not to let the stress consume your life. I’m going to quote Tony Horton and P90X right now “Just do your best and forget the rest.” At the end of the day, you have your family and you will still be together wherever your next duty station may be.

2.Make an effort to find like-minded people as friends

So you’ve finally made it to your duty station. First things first, set up house. Get settled. Get comfortable. As soon as you possibly can, get out and meet people. Or if you are shy, maybe join a facebook group for spouses on your specific post. This is one of the most important tips I can give you. Having a support system set up for you is a necessity for thriving in this environment. However, please be selective when making friends. I say make an effort to find like-minded individuals because I have made the mistake of befriending people who are completely detrimental to my own positive outlook before. You need to find people who are just as motivated as you are to making the military life work for them, rather than people who fight the system and complain every step of the way.  Nothing is worse for your own outlook then a “negative Nancy”. They are like a highly contagious virus, if you are around the negativity it will rub off on you.

3.Explore…explore…explore….and explore some more

This is by far the best part of being a military spouse. You are in a new city. You are getting to know new friends. What better way to get comfortable with your new surroundings than to get out and explore them with a friend? I was into hiking before we moved. In the new town we live in, there isn’t much to do in the way of hiking or mountain climbing. However, there are plenty of trails running alongside beautiful rivers that I have found to be very enjoyable. Get out and enjoy what the city you live in has to offer. Keep an eye out for free festivals, farmers markets, arts and crafts fairs, parks, zoos, museums, and get to know the local hot spots. don’t just stick to chain restaurants you can find in any town. Get to know the culture of the area you now live in. Fight homesickness by making new traditions and trying new things. Whatever you choose to do, do not sit at home feeling sorry for yourself. Get out and enjoy life.

4.Exercise and eat as healthy as you can

I know you might be thinking ” Are you crazy?” I am fully aware that exercise is not fun for everyone, however I do promise you that if you set aside a little time everyday to focus on your health and well being you will be a much happier person. Your self confidence will sky rocket. You will feel more productive. And the best part of being a military spouse living on post/base or near one is that you can use their facilities for free. FREE people!!! You can’t beat that. I know alot of people use the excuse “I have children I can’t bring them with me.” This is not true. You may not be able to bring them into the class with you but many of the on post gyms provide child care. Even better, if your child is in school you can go to the gym during school hours. Other people use the excuse of “I can’t find the time with everything else I have to do”. Let’s be serious. You are reading this article right now. You have the time. Find something you can enjoy doing and you can stick with it more easily. I personally love Zumba and switch it up with Yoga and walks around post trails. There are so many classes to choose from that there really is something for everyone. Also, if you are one of those people who prefer to workout alone the gym has room with weights and cardio equipment.

5.Family Readiness Groups

USE THEM. I know everyone has their own opinions on FRG’s. Some are great, some are terribe. If you stay in contact with your FRG in some way shape or form, you will have greatly needed information. At the very least, most FRG’s provide information on all kinds of upcoming events and things to do in the community. Most will offer volunteer opportunities and ways to connect with other spouses. If you ever need anything and don’t know where to turn the FRG is a good place to start. If they can’t help, I’m sure they would send you in the right direction.

This was only a short list of examples to keep in mind. The bottom line is this, making the military life work for you is simple. It comes down to your attitude. Make your outlook a positive one and you will be surprised at how well you will do. The military takes our spouse away from us alot….there are countless days spent on deployments, field training….and CQ but they do give us alot of things to keep us busy and entertained. Go out there and use it to your advantage. Everyone already knows being a military spouse is tough. Don’t sit around and complain about how the military life is so horribe. Make it work for you!

  For those of you who cannot invite soldiers to your home, due to not having a base near by. There are other ways to show your support. Adopting a soldier, becoming a Soldiers’ Angel, and many more. The little things you could do, may mean so much more then you know!

There are six F’s that keep me going: Faith, Family, Friends, Future, Funny Bones and Fitness.

Faith – If you or someone you know has ever gone through AA, then you are aware of the first step in the 12 step program: Recognizing you are powerless, and then the next step-leaning on a higher power.

I have no control over where my husband goes, when he goes, how long he’ll be gone, or even how I can contact him. He’s been on a training assignment and I’ve gotten only one e-mail every few days and a ten minute phone call once a week.

If I were to spend my time and emotions worrying about his safety, or all the other fears that are common for spouses, I would be a train wreck. So how do I combat my fears?

There is a verse in the Bible that says, “perfect love casts out all fear.” When I focus on God’s perfect love, and keep my eyes up, that carries me through. I don’t know how it does at sometimes, but I think the key is that it’s not “it”-my faith-but rather HE-whom I’m placing my faith in who carries me through.

It does get lonely and scary at times, I won’t deny that. I remember during one of the deployments, our house alarm system going off at 2am. I was armed with my husband’s .45, my German shepherd by my side and a sudden adrenaline rush giving me added confidence. Though my voice was strong as I shouted, letting any intruder know I was armed, I was still scared on the inside.

When my husband isn’t there physically to be my husband, I have to rely on God to be that protector. There are countless verses in scripture that help me to trust in Him in those situations.

Family – I have been very blessed-VERY blessed-that I haven’t had to relocate in three years. Though I viewed it as a negative at first (I wanted adventure so badly), I now see the blessing in still being so close to my family members.

Whether it’s having a latte with my aunt or driving over the pass to visit with in-laws, having family to lean on is a great support system. They know me-the real me, and all my faults, and love me anyway. And they can also tell when I’m unable to communicate how I’m really feeling. I’m sure I’m not the only army wife who thinks she can take on the world, and then takes on too much and ends up bottling things up, trying to act tough and keep it together.

In those times, it’s nice to have family members who can recognize the nonverbal or silent signals I send off that I’m really crying out for help. I think that is one of the hardest things other wives go through when they are away from their families-they often miss that support, especially through major life events like pregnancies. I have been fortunate to not have to go through that yet.

Friends – I cherish the friendships I have immensely. I never used to be such a clingy or needy person before I got married. I was very independent, head strong and loved being a “loner.” Since I’ve gotten used to the company, however, now I’m someone completely different and get very restless if I don’t have people around me all the time. I still like my alone time, but I love having friends over even more. Girlfriends are invaluable. Whether it’s shopping or just relaxing and watching a movie, their friendship means a lot to me.

That said, it is sometimes difficult to make new friends. Though I’m married, I find that I make more instant connections with single gals. I want to have more friends with other couples for when my husband is home, but sometimes he is gone so much that it’s just too much of a painful thorn in my side to be around other couples. This ties into my last article of my “married yet strangely single life” because my lifestyle is closer to single women when my husband is away. No kids, though I still have a lot of other responsibilities, I’m still flexible to hang out like they are. They can come over for a slumber party or take off for a day of snowboarding, whereas others cannot.

Future – The bible talks about living in “hope deferred” and how it can make our hearts sick, but when it comes it becomes like a spring of life. I often feel much of my life can be portrayed as “living in hope deferred.” My husband and I both keep looking ahead, reminding ourselves of our dreams for our future, and not losing sight of those goals.

By reinforcing our dreams and visions, it gives us both positive things to look forward to. Though we have to wade through valleys right now, we have hope for what will eventually come.

It can be easy to become jaded with the way things are, and worry about what if tomorrow never comes. That is why faith is the first on my list.

Funny bones – I confess, though some may see me as a pretty serious person, I am actually a bit of a prankster. I love practical jokes and pretty much anything for a good laugh. In my last job, I was part of the rubber band warriors, and daily watched the movie, “Office Space.” Laughing reduces stress and burns calories. It also helps me get into a better mood and have a more optimistic outlook on life.

I suppose that also helps explain why I am such an internet junkie whenever my husband is away. I love humorous viral videos and am always on the lookout for a new joke. I am drawn towards people who don’t take themselves too seriously and who also have contagious laughs.

Fitness – I can’t emphasize this enough. I consider good nutrition as part of my fitness program. Whether it’s weightlifting, kickboxing or my latest love (snowboarding!), fitness is essential for a number of reasons. It helps me have energy to take on the world (or the large chunks I try to take on and then regret). It releases endorphins in my brain and keeps me from things like depression. Living in a rainy area where suicide rates are among the highest in the nation, we don’t get enough sunlight and need fitness to keep us mentally well.

I also have some strong opinions that might offend some people but I’m going to blurt it out. Too many women allow themselves to get fat once they are married, and military spouses are no exception to that.

Another hard reality a lot of women don’t want to admit to-or they recognize it but don’t approve of it-is how visual our men are. It’s not that I’m worried my husband would cheat on me or disown me for being a fatty, but rather out of love and loyalty that I do fight hard to try to be fit.

I do it for myself first of all, but I also am motivated by a desire to please him. It becomes a priority, and a struggle just like staying on top of the finances, home maintenance, dog training, and all the other “holding up the fort” requirements of this “job” as an army wife.

I want to really stress the importance of the fitness factor here. It’s just as much about me as it is about doing it for my husband-it’s just as much about me being my real self (an energetic, adventurous, fun and happy person that I was before I got swept up into this militant lifestyle) as it is about me being someone my husband is happy to come home to when he finally does come home. The more in shape I am, the more adventures we can do together-the less we miss out on. Don’t forget, even better sex. There are other additional benefits that I could write an entire article on.

I hope this has helped to provide further insight into how this army wife keeps her sanity through oftentimes difficult deployments. There is so much outside of our control and so little accomplished by worrying and exhausting oneself emotionally.

We don’t live perfect lives, we have our share of ups and downs, and distance and communication barriers can especially impose additional hardships. However, through faith and with the help of family, friends, keeping our eyes ahead, and not losing our sense of humor, we persevere.

I managed to trip as I got off the lift (as usual, I’m such a clutz), except this time there wasn’t anyone to laugh with me. Once I was up, however, I was off and suddenly finding myself in tons of powder.

This is something new and exciting. This was only my third time snowboarding in my life, and it had been a year in between my first and second time. Both of those times had been in more packed snow, so I hadn’t yet encountered this. I liked how the little bumps made me jump a little, and I admit, I intentionally made myself fall so I could see what it felt like (I’m such a kid when it comes to wanting to play). My husband would love this! This is so cool!

Groups of friends and couples were all around me. I weaved in and out of some of them, and others I followed from a distance to see if I could mimic their moves and learn something from them. I gained speed and for the first time, stopped fearing it and just let myself go. No one to witness my great feats… My husband would be impressed and we would have so much fun… he could lead the way and I’d be able to keep up right behind him…

I wasn’t entirely alone on the mountain. My friend was taking her beginner lessons down below and wasn’t ready to join me up on the lifts.

The lift ride seemed longer the second time up. As I glanced back at yet another couple, I began to muse how metaphoric this picture was of my time as an army wife.

The very things that drew my husband to me, and that he wanted to enjoy with me, are the very things we often cannot do together as hoped. I love to travel and was drawn to the military expecting to be relocated and endure a little adventure. In three years, however, we have not relocated. And in three years, while he has traveled the world in deployments and training assignments, I have had to stay behind.

When I have wanted to take trips, he’s been so exhausted from his own travels that my ideas no longer hold the same desire they once did. The thought of getting on another plane for him is most furthest from his mind. He just wants to be home, while I can’t wait to get out.

The man who used to jump at the chance to make plans and surprise me, is now weary and ready for someone else to take the wheel. I am now in charge of our trip planning and activities (unless it’s dealing with football).

The other night I was watching a ballroom dance show and was reminded of my old passions for dancing (before my husband came into my life). I remember vowing to never marry anyone unless they would dance with me. My husband impressed me by agreeing to take dance lessons for our wedding reception.

We’ve not had any lessons since then. It’s not that he doesn’t know how important it is to me, it’s just that it’s never conducive to his schedule-his schedule is not his choice, we are at the whim of the government and whatever they dictate. With late hours and constant trips even when he’s in a “non-deployable” unit, it’s very difficult to sign up for anything on a regular basis.

A jitterbug (Lindy Hop) class is starting up Tuesday night and I’m going to go-alone again. I already took a Swing class with just a girlfriend and myself before. My husband doesn’t mind me dancing with other men if it’s just swing-style dancing. He has promised to go Salsa dancing in the near future as soon as his job allows.

I used to do all sorts of activities before we met, and had been very much committed to my kickboxing. He hadn’t liked the idea of me grappling with other guys while he was deployed, so I avoided that activity. I miss it, though, and am going to go back into that sport (just no grappling).

After feeling as though the last three years of my life has been put on hold and waiting-waiting for him to join me-I am finally to a point of acceptance and moving on with my life outside of our time together. I’m starting to feel like my “old” self again-the single me. Except, I am still married.

It is especially difficult when everything I do reminds me that he isn’t there to enjoy these memories with. Friends can provide good company, but no one can replace him. There is a constant void that is never filled, and no matter how independent or carefree I think myself as, that void remains.

I know that I have a life many women envy. I don’t have kids, I’m not tied down. I have a career and the world is my oyster. I take advantage of the time I have by living it to the fullest as much as possible. By all appearances, I live a pretty single lifestyle.

It depends on the month actually. Sometimes I will go for weeks acting like a more “normal” married couple. We both go to work, come home, fix dinner, go to the gym, and go to bed, and then on the weekends just relax and hang out. Other times, I’ll go for weeks with little contact from him.

Gone are the days of constant yahoo instant messaging and webcamming. Here are the days of an email every other day and possibly a five minute phone call on the weekend (if I’m lucky). It just depends on what his assignment is and what the resources are that he’s given. He makes every attempt possible on his end.

I live an “army wife” life that is very different from most other army wives I meet. I’m not really a part of that community because of that alone. I know there are others out there like me, but we just haven’t crossed paths yet.

I represent the few, the proud-the wives who eventually come to a point of realizing we too live separate lives from our husbands, and have to fight hard to stay connected even across spaces and oceans between us. We are strong, we are independent, we enjoy life, we are extremely adventurous, and we are in a very unique place in life. Married, but single. Single, but married. Fun to socialize with, but committed and faithful.

Some women don’t take to this well and you may recognize them in bars, flirting with other soldiers. I am not that way, but some aren’t as strong as me. As much as it would be easy for me to judge them, I know the loneliness and pain they have.

Though our spouses have no choice in the matter of being away, the fact that they are physically absent remains. It’s very natural for an army wife to feel left behind and cut off from the spouse’s “other” life that she can have little to no part in as far as classified information goes. My husband can tell me if he had a good day or a bad day, but he can’t talk to me about his job like “normal” spouses can. I cannot know the details of his operation. I don’t ask, he doesn’t tell.

I consider myself very fortunate to have the faith that I’ve had my entire life. I am thankful for all the times even in childhood and young adulthood in which I was alone and adventurous without a partner to enjoy things with. I now look back and see how God used all of those situations and lonely times to prepare me for this lifestyle. I am not sure how other army women in similar situations to mine survive without that faith and friendship in God.

What I didn’t say earlier, is that though there was an empty spot next to me on the seat, I didn’t feel completely alone. The sun was shining through the clouds and I felt an immense peace. I was completely relaxed and taking it all in. Though my husband wasn’t able to be there with me, I still had a really fun time making memories to retell to him later on.

The Army Married, yet Single life can be complex and difficult at times. But for those of us who have hope and faith, we persevere and end up with great adventures of our own. I just felt like sharing this in case you or someone you know is considering this type of lifestyle, or if you are trying to better understand someone else in this type of situation. The best thing you can do to be their friend is to be adventurous with them-understand their need for an outlet and independence.