This article will look at many of the key words and terms that are used in wills and help you to identify their use and meaning.

As the terminology used in wills cannot be completely covered here, if in doubt it always pays to consult a solicitor, citizen’s advice bureau or associated public body.

 Starting alphabetically, the term “administrator” refers to a person appointed by a court to manage the estate of someone who has died intestate (without a will), with a will that has not included a named “executor” or with an executor who has been appointed by the will who has since died, has been removed from his position by law, or is unwilling to act as the same. The Administrator is an extremely important person in that he oversees the distribution of the assets of the deceased.

If one is the “beneficiary” of a will, this will mean that you are entitled to receive assets or the profits from an estate or trust, usually due to your being named in the will.

The term “bequest“ simply refers to the bestowment of property under the terms of a will (i.e the gift of a commercial property left to persons x,y, and z) to one or more beneficiaries. Bequests are not always outright, but may be conditional upon a certain event occurring (such as marriage, or the coming of age of the beneficiary. NB- A bequests can also be made with the “residue” of a testator’s goods- see: “residuary bequest“).

A “codicil” is a written amendment to a person’s will. These are used when the will-maker themselves want to correct or update some information in their document. To be legally valid, the amending document must be dated, signed and witnessed just as a will would be, and must make some reference to the original testament it is amending. When the “testator” dies, both the original will and the codicil are submitted for approval by a probate court and form the basis for administration of the estate and distribution of the assets of the “decedent“.

The latterly mentioned term, “decedent“ refers to the “testator“, or author the will in the event that they have passed away.

 A “demonstrative Legacy” is a financial inheritance paid out of a particular fund (i.e a trust), or a personal item left as a gift to a beneficiary.

The terms “devise” and “devisee” refers to the gift of “real property” and the one who receives this gift, respectively. This term is notable in that it distinguishes real property legacies from those that are bestowing “personal property” on the beneficiary.

A very common and important term connected to wills and legacies is represented by the word “executor“. An executor is the person either named by the will or by a probate court to manage the estate of a person. Unless there is a valid objection (i.e physical or intellectual incapacity), the judge will appoint the person nominated in the will to be executor.

An estate (the belongings and assets of a decedent) is left “intestate“ when a person dies without having left a valid will. “Intestancy” laws apply to and refer to this situation.

Another key term is: “Legacy“. A legacy is a gift of personal property or money to a beneficiary of a will. While technically legacy does not include real property (which is a “devise”), legacy usually refers to any gift from the estate of one who has died. It is synonymous with the word “bequest.”

The related term, “Legatee” means, essentially, the same as the word beneficiary: a person or organisation receiving a gift of an object or money under the terms of the will of a person who has died. Although technically a legatee is different to one who receives real property (see: “devisee“), “legatee” is often used to refer to anyone who receives as a gift any amount of money or asset pursuant to (i.e in keeping with) the terms of a will.

The highly important term, “Probate“, on the other hand, refers to all matters involved in process of administration of estates of dead persons, typically those without wills that are undertaken with court supervision. Hence, a “probate” court deals with wills that have been typically left intestate.

“Real Property” refers to property (as in houses and so on) and related objects: all land, structures, anything growing on the land, and all “interests” in the property, which may include the right to future ownership, the right to occupy for a period of time (tenancy or life estate), the right to drill for oil, the right to get the property. This is distinct from “personal property”, which is constituted by movable assets (e.g. valuables or other items, including animals) which cannot be categorised as real property, money or investments.

The term “residue” refers to the remaining assets that are left after all other bequests within a will have been distributed. One can include a “residuary clause” in one’s will to direct the content of the residue if you foresee the possibility of assets being leftover from your other bestowments.

A “Residuary bequest” is the gift of whatever is left (the “residue”) all nominated beneficiaries have received their inheritances, and all specific gifts are given; it is also sometimes referred to as a residuary legacy.

 Finally, the “Testator“ is crucial to all wills, being the person who has composed the document and for whom it has been produced.

These are but the most commonly used terms that one will have to familiarise themselves with in drawing up a will. It is advised, as at the beginning of this article, that to fully be aware of the language that is used in a will, that one should consult a legal dictionary, a solicitor or a citizen’s advice bureau.

The risk of illness does however increase if the stressor severely disrupt a person’s life, when they are uncomfortable, or when they are chronic, lasting at least six months. For example a blast of loud noise is not normally unhealthy but a noise that goes on day in and day out is unhealthy. Children who live or go to school near noisy airports have higher blood pressure and higher levels of stress hormones and are distractible and have more learning and attention difficulties than children who live in quieter environments.

In adults, constant loud noise contributes to cardiovascular problems, irritability, fatigue, and aggressions, probably because of overstimulation of the autonomous nervous system. The stressors that most likely will affect human health are those related to the central activities and relationships of our lives. Work related problems such as unemployment and tension on the job, bereavement and loss of loved ones, and struggles to survive in the face of poverty and discrimination.

Work Related Problems

Just about everyone has work related problems: finding a job, dealing with pressures once you get one, and recovering when you lose one. Because work is central in most people’s lives, the effects of unemployment or of a chronically stressful work environment can be severe. Work related stress can increase a person’s vulnerability to more mundane illnesses such as common cold. People who are most likely to report cold symptoms are those who are underemployed or unemployed than those going through conflicts with friends or family.

Bereavement and Loss:

One of life’s most powerful stressors is the loss of a loved one, especially through divorce or death. In the two years following bereavement, widowed people are more susceptible to illness and physical ailments and their mortality level is higher than expected. Divorce can also take a long term health toll . Divorced adults have higher rates of heart disease, pneumonia, and other diseases than married couples. Bereaved and divorced people may be vulnerable to illness because, feeling unhappy, they don’t sleep well, they stop eating properly, they smoke more and they consume more alcohol and other drugs.

Poverty and Powerlessness:

People at the lower rungs of the socioeconomic ladder have worse health and higher mortality rates for almost every disease and medical condition than those at the top. One obvious reason is that poor people cannot afford good medical care, healthy food and preventive examinations. Another reason, however, has to do with the continuous environmental stressors that low income people often live with and feel powerless to change: higher crime rates, discrimination, and fewer community services, run down housing, fewer recreational facilities and great exposure to hazards such as chemical contamination.

Read more on family issues at www.positivelytrue.com.

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                                                 Coping with Bereavement

When someone dear to you dies, it feels like your whole world has come to an end. If they have an illness where they lose weight and suffer, the daily distress of seeing that can be overwhelming, and at times you may wish for them to be released from their distress. However, once they are gone, the finality of it, especially if you were caring for them,  hits you, and you find yourself wishing them back at a stage before they were ill, in the good times.

It is also very difficult to accept if someone dear dies suddenly, such as in a heart attack or stroke. One minute they were there, and then they were gone. You wish there had been time to say goodbye to them, and tell them how much you cared before death cruelly struck and took them away from you.

In my case, my husband went to work, and I never saw him again, because he died instantly from a blood clot.  When I was told, I could not comprehend it, and it wasn’t until I actually saw him in the chapel of rest, that I could believe this was true. But this was partly because he was only 53, and had appeared to be fit and strong, and also partly because I didn’t want to believe such horrendous news.

My children were so supportive, my son even moved in with me for a while so I wouldn’t be alone, but there comes a time when you have to rebuild your life, and move on, even though it takes the pain in your heart so much longer to ease.

HERE ARE SOME OF MY TIPS WHICH I HOPE WILL HELP

1. SMILE

 You may be feeling like death inside, but smiling when you are out somehow helps because other people respond in a positive way. This does not mean you are not allowed any tears. Tears are a huge release, whether when you are alone, or with other people you love. Tears help the grieving process, and once you are through that, you can begin to pick up your life again.

2. GET A HOBBY OR INTEREST

Having a hobby or joining a club can keep your mind focused on something else. In the beginning, your heart will not be in it, but eventually it will really help you. Likewise, keeping busy in your working life is equally therapeutic.

3.  ACCEPT INVITATIONS FROM FRIENDS

You may feel you want to hide away from everyone, but accepting kind invitations from friends will divert your mind from your misery, if only for a short while, and they will feel as if their support is appreciated because they care about you.

4. TRY TO HELP OTHER PEOPLE

That may sound strange, but a lady I know, who lost her husband, actually took a job in a charity shop, which helped her a lot. There are people in the community who need support, like pensioners whose families have forgotten about them. Sometimes seeing what others have to put up with makes us all view our own life in a different way, because if you have love around you, you will get through it. But to have love, we must give love, especially when other members of the family are also grieving, because we don’t have the monopoly on grief.

To anyone out there who is  trying to cope with such heartbreak, I do hope this helps, and you will soon feel ready to rebulid your life.

After a loss of a love one everyone is in an anxious aftermath of this important loss, everyone is grieving including me, but the children were the upmost importance at the moment, they would no longer have a father, this was an important loss, for me as well, by the children, only thinking of them was over the top.
Yes, I know I can’t make up for my children’s loss, as much as I would like to. Needing to grieve myself and trying to get back in touch with my own strengths and my family. Staying connected with each of them, and inviting friends to help, talking about my deceased husband, including in at the birth of our Grand-daughter, and Christmases he was going to miss.
When my children loss their father, I lost my connection to the other parent in the family, no one to call when I needed to
talk, no one to call to tell good news about our children, no one to call when we were going to be grandparents. My connection was also lost, with life moments…
When children lose a parent, they may also lose their connection with life, a piece is missing, something that can’t be replaced no matter how hard they try…

With all that is going on in my life, the most important thing is to take care of myself; the loss of a spouse even if it is an ex, is a
devastating experience, that unless you have gone through it, you won’t have a clue.
Actually knowing that I couldn’t do everything anymore, and deeply, seriously wanting to help them, they had to help themselves. This path has taken me to another world, the not knowing, the not caring, wish dad was here, and the break downs, the acting out, the blame.
The blame is the worst, if you were still married to him this wouldn’t have happened.The not knowing is pretty sad as well, the crying, the sadness, and the ifs.

The not caring if I live or die, and why didn’t you die instead…?
Seriously, thinking the night the Grandbaby was born, how proud he would be, how he would love being a grandparent, how his first born gave him his wish.

The break downs, which I have plenty of, but the children more, are getting less. The acting out, is getting less, but still hidden behind years of blame…The blame, for leaving their father, because he wasn’t the father he should have been, there not knowing the real man behind the mask of life…

Me never ever talking bad about their father, because he was their father, still talking to him after I left him with our children, he was still their father.
The paths in life we travel, finding our own way, in during life challenges, are a puzzle. Being a mother, in sadness, bereavement, and the total loss of another parent, all fit in one package. But placing the pieces where they fit is a challenge…that may take longer than expected…
Missing growing old with the other parent of your children, wondering if…what I did was right, by leaving him?
My love out loud moment…He loved his children very much, even if our love was dust in the wind…And I loved him because he was the father of my children, and he loved them dearly…

 ”But you have brown hair and brown eyes”, replied Stacy’s mother Carolyn wearily. “Marsha has blond hair and blue eyes. I thought it would be more fun to play if your dolls each looked like you.”

“Well it’s no fun to all get matching pajamas,” 14 year old Bethany complained. “How can I ever have friends over if I have to wear the same dorky pajamas as my two little sisters! It’s bad enough that I have to share a bedroom with the two brats. Not that I would ever invite my friends over to this dump! I would die of embarrassment. Nobody at school would ever talk to me again.”

Carolyn resisted the urge to remind Bethany that true friends wouldn’t reject her because of her dorky pajamas. She knew the standard response – eye rolling – and decided against responding to Bethany’s complaints. She could play the gratitude card and remind Bethany that at least they had three bedrooms here. But who was she kidding – there would be no gratitude on this Christmas day.

“We can trade Barbies if you want,” whispered seven year old Marsha. “I don’t mind…”

Eleven year old Danny interrupted, “This chemistry set is the lamest present ever! I wanted a bike! Dad would have bought me a bike. And I can’t have friends over either!  My room in this apartment is smaller than my closet in the old house. I don’t see why we had to move.”

Carolyn couldn’t take it anymore. She ran to her little bedroom, which was even smaller than Danny’s, but at least she had a little privacy from the kids.

“Good going bonehead!” Bethany hissed at her little brother. “You made Mom cry again!  You should be grateful that you have your own room. Why don’t you go and stay in there until you grow up!” Bethany went to the girls’ room and slammed the door.

Carolyn fell onto her bed, sobbing, again. She had tried so hard to make this Christmas normal for the kids, but who was she kidding? Christmas was never going to be normal again. Gradually, her sobbing turned to desperate prayer. “Oh God! How am I supposed to raise four kids without Bryce? How could you take him now, when we need him the most? I can’t even buy the right gifts for Christmas!”

As her eyes fell on the Bible beside her bed, Carolyn fought against the urge to throw it against the wall. Instead, she forced herself to open the book. She had been reading the Psalms, so she turned to the page she had bookmarked. She read in Psalm 68: “ But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful. .. A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.”

Reluctantly, Carolyn began to pray again. “Lord, you said to let the righteous be glad and rejoice before you. Well, right now I don’t feel much like rejoicing. You said that you would be a father to the fatherless and a defender of widows. We really need that right now. Help me to trust you to get us through this. Help me to rejoice even when I don’t feel like it.”

Carolyn dried her eyes and went back into the living room where Stacy and Marsha were playing with their new Barbies. Carolyn noticed that Stacy still had the brown haired doll. Stacy ran to give her mom a hug. “I’m sorry for not being thankful for the Barbie. She has brown hair and brown eyes, just like mine,… and Daddy’s.  Maybe this doll can help us to remember him.” Just then, Bethany and Danny came out of their rooms to join the family.

“I’m sorry, too Mom” Danny said. “I don’t need a bike. I can’t ride one until summer anyways.”

Bethany held out a hastily wrapped gift. “Here Mom. We didn’t want to ask you for money to buy you a gift, so we made you this nativity set out of Danny’s play dough. It seemed kind of dorky, so I didn’t want to give it to you. And Marsha drew this picture of Jesus in the manger.”

Marsha shyly nodded. “Stacy used the computer at school to add the words.” Carolyn read them out loud: “Jesus is the Reason for the Season.”

 ”Do you think we could bake a birthday cake for Jesus?” Marsha asked. “Daddy is sharing birthday cake with Jesus and the angels.” 

“Sure,” Carolyn answered. “We can bake a birthday cake for Jesus. That can be our new Christmas tradition.”

It finally hit me the other day. My mother is gone, really gone. Now, perhaps you would think it should have hit me when she died a year ago, but it was too much to take in, really. My father has been gone for four years, but as long as mother was here, we had a focal point, the six of us and our spouses and children. We were linked, inexorably linked, by this tiny grey-haired woman whose mind was slowly fading. Through our love of her, we ignored our differences–the tiny ones to the huge glaring ones. We were family. That was all that mattered. With her gone, we don’t really have to pretend anymore to like each other, if we don’t. We don’t really have to get together and have dinner if we don’t want to.There are glaring differences in political beliefs, in child rearing, even in what movies are interesting. There is a far-right segment of this family, a middle, and a fairly left-leaning segment. This has led to words at times, but, once again, we put this well-meaning war on the back burner, for mom’s sake.

Last year, we already started to reorganize where we go on holidays, but this will be the year we will probably start looking at different places to have our Thanksgiving dinner. It was pretty much a tradition that my family would meet as a big hairy group together on Thanksgiving, with a menu that had to include a turkey, yams, cranberry jelly out of a can, and mashed potatoes and gravy. Gone is that obligation (though this may make some family member’s mad for me to refer to it this way). However, this is a natural occurrence, if one thinks about it. My one brother seems more at home with his wife’s side of the family, as they have huge family gatherings, as well, and her parents are still alive. Each of us who have children and grandchildren will be more and more interested in seeing those people, or perhaps going to their houses or having them come to ours. We are now the parents, the center of our own family circle. Don’t get me wrong, each family circle will still touch the rest of our sibling’s circles, but just as we started to have to make time for family reunions to meet with our aunts, uncles, and cousins, so will that be true for us and our children’s children. I think about my family. I love them. I enjoy talking to them, but I actually have very little in common with them, except perhaps one or two. Sometimes, when I’m around the oldest part of the family, I realize that they often still see me as a little kid, though I am over fifty. My older siblings often tell me that I don’t know what I’m talking about, implying that I will forever be too young to have an opinion or be right about anything. After all, they reason, they have been longer on the planet than I have. My mother, who had dementia, had the same opinion. She was right, she had been around longer, but sometimes, being around longer leads to being stuck in the same rut. Sometimes, it points out the fragility of life and makes you afraid, and when you are afraid, others can prey on that fear. I met an old lady who had been mugged. She was definitely older than I was (I was in my thirties when I stayed at her house on a choir tour) but her whole life was affected by the fear of that happening again. She may have been fearless at one time, but she was alone in a big house, feeling overwhelmed and alone in the face of an uncertain future.

So we come to the growing-up phase or making-of-an-adult part of the conversation. I have finally realized that there is no reason for me to not express my beliefs. In fact, it is imperative I do so and do so with force. In truth, up til now I was also affected by fear–a fear of disappointing or angering those who were part of my growing up, who told me not to pout or slouch or whatever they assumed I was doing wrong. So I ask myself, when, if not now, will I ever be a grownup? My parents are gone and I am a parent, as well as a grandparent. When, if not now, should I stop allowing the older people in my family to intimidate me out of my own beliefs, beliefs shaped by my experience–as real an experience as theirs, if not the same? I look at my siblings and sometimes see old people who are afraid, afraid of what the future holds, afraid of having the decisions of what will happen to them taken from them, and realize that they are allowing others–pundits and politicians– to make them afraid, as well as playing on their deep-seated racial bias. Now, if you ask them, they will quickly deny any racial bias. However, I dare you to find a group of people who had their adult years during the fifties and sixties who don’t struggle with racial bias, simply because it was more accepted among their parents, at that time, to be openly prejudiced.

As I was growing up, it was less accepted to dislike someone just because they had different skin color, were gay, or were otherwise odd. “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner” had already been and gone, so had “Mississippi Burning” and “To Sir with Love.” My classroom was not segregated. In fact, I realized with some surprise that my father was prejudiced when I was in college. It was an eye opener. I had friends in college who were gay, my first real exposure to that culture. However, they were all kind decent human beings, people I felt and feel deserve the same pursuit of happiness promise as the rest of us. People argue over the “sanctity of marriage” and how it should be only between a man and a woman. However, the word marriage has more than one meaning. You can have a marriage of ideas, for instance. The word actually means joining, and I think that an adult person who loves another adult person has a right to love, honor, and cherish whoever it is they love. I find it very interesting to note that those who wish to make it illegal for someone to marry another also claim to be against government involvement in their lives. What I have realized, as I have grown up, is that they may want government to butt out on issues important to them, but really want the government to stomp all over the rights of those whose opinions are different. This strum and drang in our beautiful America is, I believe, what makes this a wonderful place to live–though scary right now because of our down economy.

So here I am, a newly fledged grownup, with opinions that make some of my family prickle, who can see the religious and racial prejudice that threatens to throw us backward in time. Here I am, a person who witnessed the damage done to women who were not allowed to make decisions for their own bodies (I remember the dead girls). Here I am hoping for tolerance and an end to racism and hatred of all those who seem alien or foreign. Here I am as an adult–for whatever that means. At times, I want to call my mom or my dad. I want to hear their voices as we look at the recession and, as of today, newly-named depression that is upon us. I worry about the people who sound as if they believe a shootin’ war is sometimes a good thing, who think our president is somehow not okay, who dishonor my choices in government because, somehow, they believe the government was hijacked and taken from them, though it was through my vote and others like me that this happened. I do understand them because it was the way I felt for the previous eight years, though those people were far less tolerant of my views. I felt bereft of my voice. The people who sit on the other side of the table are not bereft of a voice. I hear them every day, screaming across the airways, arguing loudly, and I believe in their right to rant. Heck, I feel frustrated too at a government that sometimes seems too caught up in the political argument over power to actually do anything about the problems facing it. However, I do resent sometimes feeling like the older generation are acting like I should be patted on the head, given a bottle, and put to bed, while they, the supposed grownups, tear up our constitution in order to deny people they don’t like or approve of the right to worship, pursue happiness, or just live. I see people arming themselves and acting like this country is only theirs, while they practice hatred on a large scale, yelling about their Christian values to all who listen, dishonoring the very nature of Christianity the way I was taught it at my mother’s knee.

When I was saved at thirteen, it was because I was drawn to the love of God, the forgiveness of God. Apparently, this has been lost on many who profess to speak for God. I think about the judgment of some who claim to know our president’s religion. Yet it is said in the Bible that we are not to be judgmental, unless we wish to also be judged in the same way. This is a paraphrase of what was said, but that is the heart of it. I try to remember that.  The thing that always struck me about that particular passage was the idea that before I ran around passing judgment on anyone, or everyone, I needed to fish the “log” out of my own eye before I could see the “splinter” in someone else’s eye. I carry that in my heart, and out of that I have carried the idea that I had more than enough stuff to attend to in my own life and needed to tend to that first. It is very, very hard to look inside ourselves and see the racism, hatred, and judgments we have deep inside masquerading as something else. I don’t know I fully believe the way I did when I was small. I don’t believe that you get to adulthood and have the same exact faith. However, it is still the love and caring of the Great I Am that I believe in. I feel some people really want a God who will come down and deal out a good “Whuppin,” which perhaps says more about how they were raised and how they feel a parent should act than anything else. I wish we all could look at others with the eyes of Christ and see all others as worthy of love and lay off the hateful rhetoric. My mother always said that there were two things she didn’t like talking about, religion and politics. Of course, in her final days, she didn’t remember that wise-woman’s words. Often, her own fears came out in hurtful ways. In that time, I saw the child that was within her and realized that we, her children, were now her parents. That scared child could sometimes be hurtful, as we, when we allow our fear to rule us, can sometimes be hurtful.

So I ask all who run around claiming to be Christian, are they really? What do the fruits of your labor say about you? Are you bearing false witness, sour grapes, rotten grain perhaps? Do you fear the truth, so you shut it out, like a child with your fingers in your ears saying, “la, la, la, la!!” as loud as possible? It doesn’t take much in this information age to repaint anyone in a way we would like them to be, rather than the way they really are. It is people’s own deep-seated distrust or readiness to believe anything written, on radio, televsion, computer that makes them so willing to jump on the bandwagon and point fingers at someone with a funny name and say–”AHAH. I knew it. You really ARE different. You’re a Muslim, not a Christian, which is bad! You were born somewhere else, not here. AHAH! Now I know why I don’t like you, and it’s true!!!! ” It is very easy to pass blame on others. It is easy to convince yourself that the focus of your distrust is lying to you. Even when there is no proof. Even when the actual truth is placed out there in black-and-white, repeatedly. If you are deeply entrenched in a lie, you will NOT see the truth. It’s almost like a deepseated hypnosis, and in our day and age, there is always someone ready to feed that fire of distrust and harness it for their own power gain. When we act like this, we are simply children again and not grown-ups at all. We’ve stopped using the beautiful brain we’ve been given, one quite able to search out the truth and keep an open mind to ideas other than our own.

I hesitate to use comparisons, but it is unavoidable. You have to look no further than any cult on the planet to see how this works. There are people out there who have lost their children to cults and understand what I am going to say. I saw it at work first-hand when I was in college. It happened to a friend of mine, who, after her first-year of college, disappeared into a cult that almost caused her death!! Cults work on the child or adult who finds adulthood overwhelming, so what they do is fill a need, coming into the person’s life in tragic times. They take the outcast and give them a place in the cult (you can substitute gangs here, just as easily). If the individual feels cut off from friends or family, the cult comes to them and tell them they are accepted just as they are. After they are well ensconced and have gratefully given over everything to the cult, including their thought processes, the brainwashing begins. In order to completely indoctrinate the person to their cause, and have their eager hands to further their cause, they begin telling them their family and friends don’t have their best interest at heart, they are the bad people, toxic really, and the only way they can truly shine is to set aside and sever all former ties, while giving everything they have (money, work, bodies, thoughts, names) to the cult. There are people who recover from this, sometimes with help from a deprogrammer. Some do walk away, thankfully. Another friend of mine was formerly in the cult I brushed up against in college. The leader of her group showed his true colors as a philanderer, breaking his hold on his followers, allowing her to wake up (her words, not mine) and get out. This whole process is what is happening in our political landscape today. First, whoever is out of power looks for a chink in the armor of whoever is in power–doesn’t matter how big the chink is. It’s got to be something the disenfranchised (or those that feel disenfranchised) are already set to believe, even over the noise of the truth. The leaders hammer at this untruth, sometimes using blatant lies, apologizing if caught, while blaming the victim of their lies for misrepresentation of the truth. In the eyes of the oh-so-willing-to-believe crowd, they will cling to the original lie, telling themselves “if there’s smoke, there’s a fire”–and so on–because otherwise, the people so willing to believe in might have to look in the mirror and see they’ve been hornswoggled.

This I say to all of you who think the younger grown-ups in this world don’t know anything–shame on you! When you were our age and younger, your ideas were fresh and fine. You would have resented anyone who thought you didn’t know enough to elect your own president and run the country. There were a lot of young people in this last election who came out and voted, people not ruled by old prejudices and hatreds. The amazing thing is that it is the older adults, their parents, who gave them this gift. The world has changed, as it is supposed to change. My parents saw a world that I never saw. My mother and father rode horses and drove around in wagons. They had outdoor plumbing. They had typewriters and corrections were done with white-out, or lots and lots of retyping. They, and we, saw the advent of television. Then dishwashers and microwaves came along, followed by computers. I had a computer programmer for a friend in college, back when code was input in code and computers were reserved for the ultra-geeks among us. What an amazing time to be alive! This generation has information that moves almost at the speed of thought, and the president we have now is of that generation. 

So this brings me to the last part of this article about growing up. It has been preying on my mind, as I listen to rhetoric that makes me think of a time when we had a civil war, when brother fought against brother and there were states who wished to secede from the union. We fought that war to remain a country, one country. Yes, it was about slavery, but what it really was about, if you know your history, was about the nation itself. I listened to words from people talking about secession, and thought, “well, I was pretty fed up with the last president. I wanted him out and was thrilled to see his back. However, not once did I think the solution was secession or a ’shootin’ war.” I remember a time when someone decided to change the leadership of this country with a gun. It is a day that lives in my heart and mind. I was but a child, visiting at my girlfriend Gail’s house, when President Kennedy was shot. It was awful. I remember when John Hinckley shot President Reagan in the chest but didn’t kill him. I was horrified. Whatever I felt about him and his trickle-down policy–didn’t work then, doesn’t work now–I wanted the blood of the man who hurt him.

This has been a nation who votes, who grumbles about the other person’s choice of leadership but knows that a new election brings new choices. We patiently (or sometimes impatiently) wait for our representatives turn at the wheel of the ship of state. Our peaceful change of government is what makes us stand out in this world. It was what President Bush wanted to export everywhere. Though our type of government has to come from the people, not from outside influences, I think he wanted this because, deep down, he believed in our form of government. I ask those of you who are grumbling about secession why you refuse to believe the other people in this country are old enough and smart enough to make our own choices? Does prejudice and malice lie so deep in your hearts that you must deny us our adulthood? Stop the saber rattling and bridle your fear before you destroy the country we all love in the throes of your insanity. In other words, stop fearing the monster in the closet, look clearly at the pablum you are being force-fed, stop sucking your respective thumbs, and really truly grow up. I dare you to act in an unafraid manner, leave your guns at home, and find out the facts. I know there are always a few rotten apples in every barrel, so to speak, but don’t let the few rotten apples destroy the whole barrel. And if, for some reason, your candidates lose in the fall, it will be because I and others haven’t seen evidence that they have any answers either. It will be because all the rest of us have seen them doing is trying to deny us rights we already have and remake the country in such a way that is unrecognizable as our country–a country that tolerates all forms of religion, all forms of people, lets all its citizens vote, and who listen and learn, gathering knowledge and experience, from every part of this fabulous melting pot.

You may find me cheeky to say this and perhaps you will think it shows my youth (though I am a granny now), but I do truly believe that no matter how old you may be, you are never too old to still act childish, and I see many people who threaten to bring their guns and “take this country back” (although from whom I am not too sure, though it seems to be from me and those of us who legally voted the president in) to be acting childishly. Those people remind me of the kids who, when losing in a game, would “take their marbles and go home,” or their dollies, or whatever. Sadly, wars get started by people who have decided to act in this very manner. People get killed or maimed because the truth is that these people may be acting childish, but they have grownup weapons and many truly believe a little bit of anarchy is good for the soul. Insane, but there it is. They don’t really have anything workable to replace the government. They just want it gone!!!! I challenge you to really think about what that would mean and how it would look. I have, and I see homes and lives destroyed, while innocent people get killed, with martial law being the only answer to bring the country back under control. If this were to happen, I see it as a perfect time for our true enemies–those who envy our ability to argue and change government in a grouchy but peaceful manner–to strike.

Then there are the ostriches. These are the people who refuse to watch the news–a sort-of modern-day head-buried-in-the-sand technique–and are totally unaware of this threat to their own freedom, whether from within or without. They sit, comfortable in their houses, wanting to keep the “ugliness” out of their lies. I believe that they, too, need to act like the adults they are now and make their voices heard. It may be a messy system at times, our system of government, but it is unique and amazing when it works. It works best when clear-headed adults use their brains to think their own thoughts, examine all the evidence, and then vote–without fear of reprise or of, as Michelle Bachmann said, the “second-amendment option.”

When I wrote this story, I actually didn’t know where it was going. I have been thinking a long time about what it means that my parents are gone. In fact, I have been noticing that same theme among classmates whom I have met again online. We are now, truly, the adults in our families. I can’t call my mom anymore for cooking tips or if I don’t know all the words to a song, or if my life has gotten painful. I can’t ask my dad for advice on what he would do in a situation, or listen to his stories about life in another age and time. I also know that even the people I grew up with did not come out with the same ideas or beliefs I did, simply because each and every person’s experience is unique, governed by education, contact with others, and many other variables that are impossible to list here. I also know that, and believe, that each and every person’s path is valid. However, I also know how easy it is to let hate become your voice and fear of whatever bogeyman you believe is out there erase the truth, especially in light of these hard economic times. It’s very easy for a peaceful group to become rabble, for a protester to become a killer. What makes me the angriest is that the very people who rouse the rabble to riot will be the same ones denying responsibility for the atrocities that result. Remember, when you are an adult, you are supposed to act like one. I picture our country at times like a baby, our baby, a baby we all love, and I ask you all, before you head to your gun cabinets and listen to the voice of insanity, to “never, never, never shake a baby.” Don’t, for heaven’s sake, fall into the role of child abuser. Instead, look through the eyes of love at your other siblings in this country, at our country of America. Then you will act in a positive manner and perhaps we can all come through this time of trouble in a fashion that would make our parents proud.

These are just some of my observation. I doubt if you ever did these things or you are just one of the many observers like me so curious about the people impression or expression. I do notice when a baby suddenly die, someone tell me she is still young and I pity her because she just starting to have life and yet with her early demise she could not even see the world is all about.death is imminent as it seen to be.

While some say it is only alright at least she would not be able to experience the cruel things which others have to undergo in this life or else she would just be disappointed. But looking on the brighter side some says it so cruel but the fate of death or the ripper to take her life at earlier stages. So you could imagine the anguish and pain the family to dealt especially if it is their first born child or the first girl or boy child and yet within seconds after she have been brought hardly been touch by the ray of light she is gone in a matter of seconds with her breath collapse, gasping for air.

Then if you are the mother just so felt weak then hardly take a short glance on her. It comes as a bit shocking as you look on her eyes so mild, innocent like an angel even though he could not speak you felt the connection then you could see with her tiny mouth as if she asking, begging you to help but you could not do anything. Life you indeed realize so precious if you do not take care of it and even gives importance to those around you like a thief in the night it could stole your precious life to be with your loved one. Honestly, I feel so sad every time I attended a funeral or burial. But how do I manage to make myself calm. Adieu it may be a creepy feelings that someday, somehow in the future, whatever awaits death is imminent and everyone could experience it may be sudden, accidental or just a natural death.

But thinking of it a fear engulf you may have just to accept if even it strikes like a traitor it never gives you any warning and even with your beloved is unaware of. How would you handle this? I meant you just wake up finding yourself not in your own body but appear white like a ghost or a soul. I bet you would not be able to response because you could not type anymore in a keyboard since everything you touch you just pass as a transparent, funny but true. There is an instance a young adult girl or boy died suddenly in the middle of being a teenager, with a career at full swing just graduated, just have a job or else prepare to get married or just about to get married. In a turnout of events they seem strikes with misfortunes.

Then, at the funeral the same things you heard from those flocks how they pity her and some family or even relatives even say if they could only talk to whoever responsible to get our life they may beg to ask for a day for a retribution or maybe just give enough time to lengthen one life as in a negotiation and yet the it hard to dealt with the unknown. No one ever knows where to ask for or where to go for. It is like a rare disease which no one could resolve and even if you ask the scholarly person even the religious one to explain it to you the mystery of death still unresolved and there many life which could been good, wasted youth, wasted opportunity but not yet granted. Who is the inevitable force which holds life at its own have a mindset which could not be change or negotiated? Never grant any allowance or say extra time like giving the person some opportunity to change to make it better to prove something before one expires.  Sadness and mourning seems unbearable and yet everyone need to experience it to test one’s courage.

Some Interesting articles you may like to read:

Enter the Mind of the One Being Bullied

Enter the Mind of the Bully

The Differences Between a Whiner and a Plain Reasonable Person

Four Ways to Turn your Boring Relationship into an Exciting Phase

Saying Goodbye Based on Individual Personality

Earn Online join TRIOND

Image by Ed Yourdon via Flickr

Statistics show that nearly half of women who are 65 or older are widows. Because women are three times more likely to be widowed, bereavement of ones spouse has been called “a female phenomenon”. This is not to say that men do not suffer too. The truth is that millions of people have experienced this stressful circumstances.

Male or female, if you are in that situation, these are some of the coping strategies you can rely on;

Face up the Loss                                                                                                                                              Although some think that crying is sa sign of weakness or even harmful, psychologists likens tears to emotional first aid. Crying is a normal process of grieving and helps to relieve the pain.

Seek the Support of relatives and friends                                                                                                         While it is normal to want to have some time alone, do not go into isolation. Seek the support of friends and relatives who are empathetic. It is on the caring shoulders of these friends and relatives that you can lean, weep and wipe your tears. This can add to your courage of facing tomorrow without your spouse.

Make an Album out of the good things you shared together.                                                                        Many grieving spouses have found solace in bringing back the good memories of their lives together. Make an Album of memories with photographs, letters, notes-all of which will help to heal you of the pain of the loss of you dear one.                                         

Adhere to your customary schedules and activities.                                                                                          It is normal for a recently bereaved person to be  disoriented and lost but later picking yourself up and getting back to doing what you used to do will help you cope with bereavement. For example, if you had a specific time to sleep, wake up, eat, or do certain chores, do not skip them. Continue to plan ahead for what you will do for your weekends and special days like your wedding anniversary. Keep your spiritual routine in place because in death, spirituality is the most powerful and useful recourse to the bereaved.

Avoid making hasty decisions. Judgement may be clouded when one is under great emotional stress. Perhaps, people with bad motives may try to take advantage of your situation. Don’t take such decisions regarding selling your home, making a major investment, moving out or remarrying. Postpone any such life changes until your emotions are more settled.

Avoid Romantic or sex oriented movies, books and music.                                                                               Now that you are alone, your efforts to remain chaste may be tested. Getting into the romantic side of life too quickly could make you take hasty decisions which may not work well for your image or that of your family at large.

These coping strategies could help you alleviate the pains of bereavement in the event of the death of your spouse.

Image by Raine Hilton The Good Vibes Girl

When we fall in love with someone at an energetic level we literally make a connection, in the same way a mother and her unborn child are connected by the umbilical cord. This is why we feel so ‘connected’ to a person, and can feel them close to us, seem to know what they are thinking or experiencing even when they are far away from us. When we end a relationship either by breaking up with them or being parted by death, it is this same energetic cord between us that is ripped apart. This causes pain both physically and energetically, this is why we literally do feel heartbroken because the heart chakra is damaged when this happens.  This is why it can take so long to ‘get over it’ as this is partly in proportion to how long it takes for the heart chakra to heal. When someone feels unable to let go of this loss and move on they often energetically send out this cord and reattach it to the other person and this can happen whether they are dead or alive.

Image by Raine Hilton The Good Vibes Girl

With some people, especially if the end of their relationship has dragged out, often break up but these cords are still there. So no matter how much they want to move on they never feel that they can. It’s as if this person is still in their head and they can’t escape from them. It is in this situation that it is advisable to do a simple cord cutting ritual meditation.

To do this go into a meditation and see the other person in front of you and see what it is that is binding you together, for some it can be a chain, tree roots, a thick cord, for me it was barbed wire between me and my ex! Now you need to find something that will cut through this cord, something that would complement it such as a sword, an axe, a chain saw whatever feels appropriate to you. Some people who work with angels or other deities ask for Archangel Michael to be present for this and ask him to sever the cord that is binding you both. Depending on whatever faith, religion or belief system you work with you can choose someone to help you with this.

 However you decided to do it, it is important to let this person go with love, maybe have something you have written before hand that you can memorise or read out. No matter what has passed between you or how much you have hurt each other it is important to let go on positive terms. Anger, resentment, regret all belong in the past and serve no one least of all you. Even if you find it impossible to forgive someone’s action for what they have done to you, you can forgive them. We forgive others for ourselves, so that we can heal and move on with our own lives.  Wish them well and then end the meditation. When you come out of this you should feel more yourself and less connected to the other person. For some it will take a few attempts to do this as either side may try to reconnect, but it will end eventually.  

Before you begin you may like to light 2 candles and have a photo of both of you in front of you and when you have finished find something safe to put it in and set fire to it. As this becomes ashes, see the smoke curl into the air see both of yourselves set free to go your own way.

Now this kind of cord cutting ritual can be done by anyone in any kind of relationship whether the other person is alive or dead these energetic cords are still there. This doesn’t mean that you are cutting this person loose forever or cutting them out of your life, its purpose is so that that you can both move on with your lives. I did one with a member of my family who was very controlling and manipulative and things improved so much between us we actually formed a new and different kind of relationship altogether that felt so much more equal. I do it with every relationship or friendship that ends or if someone becomes too clingy or the relationship feels unbalanced between us, and they find that they feel more comfortable themselves afterwards too.

You don’t need to contact the other person physically to do this as their higher self will take command and assist you. You may find this technique helpful with your ex’s and friends especially with those you want to rebuild friendships with. It’s a lovely way of wiping the slate clean and beginning again. It can have a dramatic effect where two parents have broken up but still need to meet and interact regularly for the sake of the children. It really helps to wipe away all the hostility and past hurts and promotes common ground to build a new friendship on.

It isn’t always easy to end a relationship, people stay together far longer than they want to because of so many reasons, instead of ending it before things get too bad. People fear change they become stuck in ruts; they hate it themselves but feel powerless to change until events change these things for them. It isn’t until you are on the other side of a break up that you can see it wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be and that you have survived and are doing just great without them. You can either drag all this around with you forever more questioning everything she or he ever said or did or you can just that’s enough it’s over I’m moving on right now. Reinvent yourself, put yourself first and do things that make you happy, don’t wallow in the past it’s gone, only right now this very moment exists. 

Image by Raine Hilton The Good Vibes Girl

Image via Wikipedia

Generally speaking, death is something that brings fear so much that once it happens, even someone you so much loved while alive becomes an alien. To prove exactly what I mean here, a young University student who enrolled to study medicine in Makerere University Kampala, was taken to a mortuary on his first orientation at the Medical School. They were exposed to dead bodies; each of them was assigned a newly dead body to study before a post mortem would be conducted. Unfortunately for this particular student, the corpse assigned to him was probably not completely dead, because the supposed dead person rose and sat up on the operating table. This sparked off such an avalanche of fear that the student ran away from the Mortuary like a mad man. It took so many policemen and other security agents to constrain him. He later left the Medical School and studied education.

 In my culture, it is believed that proper burial of the dead is of paramount importance to the peace and well being of the affected families. People who die and do not get appropriate praise and recognition at their burials would be angered in death and their souls would torment the family members who did not accord them the befitting burial they so deserved. Infact, anything short of a decent burial is a recipe for more deaths and other afflictions coming to the family concerned.

 Because of such cultural beliefs, there is good cause to fear the dead and as much as possible, people avoid angering the dead. It is not enough among the Acholi where I come from, to bury the dead, you must actually complete this burial ritual with a last funeral rite, which involves praying for the spirits of the dead and feasting. Again, families members of people who have died but have not had these ceremonies performed often live in the perpetual fear of the dead. Any misfortunes that strike members of the family of the dead is often attributed to the anger of the dead. The reasons why people fear the dead is partly due to the belief that in death, humans do not really die. This explains why in ancient times, the death of Kings such as the Pharaohs would be followed by the killing of a number of servants who would be buried along with him so that they continued serving the King in his death.

 There are people who have confessed to having been harassed by the souls of the dead. In Africa especially, people who kill fellow men for no good reason continuously report this harassment and that explains why murderers try to seek ways and means of appeasing the spirits of the people they murder. Some simply drink a bit of the blood of the people they murder either in contract killings or in a war situations so that they are kept free of the torments of the dead.

 In many circles however, Christians especially believe that the dead are conscious of nothing at all and should not be feared. Infact the Bible says the dead are impotent in death, but with all these said, I personally believe the fear of the dead is still going to be around among men for a log time.