CHARACTERS

RANDY DOWNING: Aged 28.

MRS D (DOWNING): Aged 59.   Randy’s mother.

BILL WILLIAMS: Aged 32.   U.S. Sergeant.

DWIGHT RICHARDSON: Aged 16.   U.S. Private.

JUNE HOLLIDAY: Aged 22.

MARGIE SUMNERS: Aged 26.

WENDY HEINZE: Aged 20.

MALE VOICE: OFF STAGE

2ND BARMAID’s VOICE: OFF STAGE

U.S. MP: Fires shot in Act Three.

2 U.S. SOLDIERS: In fight scenes in Acts One and Three.

THE TIME: November 1, 1942.   In the late afternoon.

THE SETTING: Inner suburbs of Brisbane.

Uses a multiple setting.

The left hand section is a cross-section of a local pub.   It is set out as follows: In the back left hand corner is a counter running a metre or so along the back of the stage.   In the back right hand corner is a round table with one chair.   And in the front left hand corner is a second round table with four chairs around it.

The right hand section is the living room of MRS. T’s
house.   It is set out as follows: In the back left hand corner is a coffee table.   In the back right hand corner is a 3-person couch.   A foot or so in front of the coffee table is an armchair facing into the room.   A second armchair sits opposite the first on the right hand side, also facing into the room.

As the act begins, the left hand section is !it up, and the right hand section is in darkness.

RANDY is sitting by himself at the table on the right.   Bill WILLIAMS, dressed in uniform, is sitting at the other table, facing toward the audience.   WENDY is sitting in the chair on Williams’ left; JUNE in the chair on his right.   The other chair is beside June.

Williams has an empty beer glass in front of him, and the two women are sipping fancy mixed drinks.

RANDY
Come on MARGIE!   How about a beer over here for a change?

MARGIE walks onto stage behind the counters.

MARGIE
Oh hold your horses Randy   You’ll have to wait your turn like everybody else.

RANDY
But I’ve been waiting for over forty minutes now!   How many more can there be in line ahead of me?

MARGIE
I told you, wait your bloody turn.

The left hand section is darkened, and the right hand section is lit up.

MRS T is sitting in the armchair on the left.   Dwight, in uniform, is sitting in the middle of the couch.   On the coffee table sits a teapot on a tray, along with a plate of sweet biscuits.   DWIGHT and Mrs. T are each nursing a cup of tea and a saucer.   A paper bag of knitting sits on the floor at Mrs. T’s feet.

DWIGHT
I really appreciate what you’re doing for me Mrs. Thomas.

MRS. T
Anything for the war effort dear.   If we can’t help our allies, who can we help?

DWIGHT
Thanks anyway.   I know there are a lot of people who don’t feel that way.

MRS. T
Well we can’t have you boys all living permanently out in tents on the Gabba now can we?   It must be hard enough for you all being uprooted from your homeland and dumped together in the thousands in a new country.

DWIGHT
Yeah it is Mrs. Thomas.
(Half a beat)
To be quite frank about it, this is the first time I’ve ever been away from home.

MRS. T
Then you still live with your parents?

DWIGHT
With my mom.   My parents separated nine years ago.

MRS. T
Oh I’m sorry….
(Half a beat)
Didn’t you ever camp out in the boy scouts or in any overnight camps at school?

DWIGHT
No not a one.

MRS. T
Then it really must be a struggle for you to accustom yourself to life down under?

DWIGHT
Well yes and no.   It seems a little strange to be away from home; away from America for the first time ever.   But at the same time it is great to be able to see a bit of the world for a change.
(Half a beat)
Not that I’m really looking forward to France or New Guinea right at the moment.

MRS. T
Is that liable to happen any time now?

DWIGHT
I don’t really know.
(Half a beat)
I don’t think so.   I think we’re meant to act as a sort of rear-guard in case the Japanese decide to make another attack on Darwin; to stop them from sweeping down across Australia.   If they do manage to capture the Northern Territory.

MRS. T
But the attack on Darwin was nearly a year ago and there hasn’t been any hint of a recurrence.

DWIGHT
Still you never can tell.   They could be just waiting till we aren’t looking, to have another go at it.

The right hand section is darkened and the left hand section is lit up.

RANDY
Come on, how about a beer Marg?

MARGIE
Wait your bloody turn.

WILLIAMS (Shouting)
How about a beer over here, honey?

MARGIE
Sure thing, coming right up.

Margie walks off stage to the left and returns with a glass of beer.

RANDY
Well, about bloody time.

Margie walks straight past Randy, and gives the glass of beer to Williams.   He takes an Australian pound note from his shirt pocket and hands the note over.

WILLIAMS
Buy yourself a drink out of that too, honey.

MARGIE
Thanks.   Don’t mind if I do.

She picks up Williams’ empty glass, looks at each of the women and sees their glasses are still half full, and turns and walks off stage to the left.

A moment later Margie returns with Williams’ change which she hands to him and he pockets.

RANDY
For God’s sake Marg!   What about me?

MARGIE
How many times do I have to tell you?   Wait your bloody turn!

WILLIAMS (Turning in his seat)
What’s the problem pal?   Having trouble getting a drink?

RANDY
You’re not far wrongs

WILLIAMS (To Margie)
A beer for my pal, honey.
(To RANDY)
Why don’t you come and join us?   There’s plenty of room over here.

Randy stands and walks over and sits next to June as Margie walks off stage to the left.

WILLIAMS
Hi.   I’m Bill Williams.

He holds out his right hand and Randy shakes it across the table.

RANDY (Puzzled)
William Williams?

WILLIAMS
Don’t blame me. It was my parents’ idea.   I didn’t even know about it until it was too late to make a fuss.

RANDY
I’m Randy Thomas.

WENDY (Smirking)
So you’re Randy, are you?

RANDY
Maybe you’d like to stay behind and find out.

Wendy and Williams laugh raucously; June and Randy smile.

WILLIAMS
That was a good joke, buddy.

RANDY
So who was joking?

June elbows Williams lightly in the ribs.

WILLIAMS
Oh yeah, and this is June.
(Pointing at June)

JUNE
June Holliday.

RANDY
How do you do?

JUNE
Oh not too badly.

WILLIAMS (Turning toward Wendy)
And this….

RANDY
Don’t tell me, let me guess….
(Half a beat)
This is your July holiday, right?

They all laugh, except Wendy, who looks puzzled.

WENDY
I don’t get it?

RANDY
Stay behind and you might.

WILLIAMS (To Wendy)
It was just a little joke, honey.

WENDY (Uncertainly)
Oh.

WILLIAMS (To RANDY)
Actually she’s Wendy Heinz.

WENDY (To RANDY)
How do you do?

RANDY
I keep telling you; stay behind and you might find out.

Williams laughs.   Wendy looks uncertain, but follows Williams’ lead and laughs a little too loudly.

Margie walks back onto stage from the left, carrying a beer which she hands to Randy.

WILLIAMS
My shout, buddy.

He takes a ten shilling note from his shirt pocket and hands the note to Margie.

WILLIAMS
Keep the change, honey.

MARGIE
Gee thanks.

Margie gives Randy a dirty look, then walks off stage to the left.

WILLIAMS (To RANDY)
Drink up pal, there’s plenty more where that came from.

The left hand section is darkened and the right hand section is lit up.

Mrs. T and Dwight are seated as before.   Mrs. T has finished her tea, and reaches to pick up her knitting.   She takes it from the bag, and goes on knitting while talking.

MRS. T
Then you could be in Brisbane for quite some time yet?

DWIGHT
For years, if the war doesn’t end quickly.

MRS. T
Then it’s a good thing you didn’t move into a boarding house.   I hear that some of them are really fleecing you GIs; charging two or three times the normal rate.

DWIGHT
A lot more in some cases; up to eight or even ten times their normal charge.

MRS. T
My God that’s disgusting!   Isn’t it bad enough having to live through this war; never knowing when your son, husband or brother might be killed; without all of this profiteering on the side?

DWIGHT
I guess it’s just human nature to want to get something good out of a bad situation.

MRS. T
Well it’s disgusting if you ask me.   Here we are supposedly your allies, and yet we fleece you for all you’re worth, never knowing when you might be called away to get killed in combat.
(SHAKING HER HEAD)
How do they do it?   I wonder how they could live with themselves, if they fleeced some poor boy and then read his name in the death notices a week later?

DWIGHT
Well I guess he wouldn’t need it himself then, anyway

MRS. T
That’s not the point.   If we treat out own allies like that, what will we do to the Germans and the Japanese when we win the war?

DWIGHT
They’re the enemy.   Why worry about them?

MRS. T
They’re human beings too.   Never forget that, love.   It’s the leaders who are to blame for all this stupidity.   Not the common German or Japanese soldiers.   They’re only doing their patriotic duty, the same as our boys are.

There is a moment’s pause while Mrs. T knits, then she looks up.

MRS. T
I’m just glad to be able to help one of our allies not to be fleeced.   I just wish I had room to billet more of you.

DWIGHT
That’s okay.   Every one helps and there are thousands of Aussie families who have offered to take in one or more of our boys.

MRS. T
Well that’s good to hear.   It helps to make up to some degree for what other Australians are doing to your people.

Dwight finishes his tea, and standing, carries his cup over and places it on the tray, then walks back to the couch and sits again.

MRS. T
I’d offer you something stronger to drink, but Randy is down to his last two bottles of beer.   And I’m not certain how he would .react if I gave you any of it.

DWIGHT
That’s okay Mrs. Thomas, I don’t drink anyway.

MRS. T (Surprised)
Really?   But Randy always says that all you Americans drink.

Dwight laughs for a moment.

DWIGHT
Maybe I will after I turn eighteen….

Dwight stops and Mrs. T looks surprised.

MRS. T
But don’t you have to be eighteen to enlist in the United States?

DWIGHT (Extremely embarrassed)
Well, er, in theory you do.
(Half a beat)
But in America they are so desperate for recruits, that as long as you claim to be over eighteen, they’ll never challenge your age.

MRS. T (Shocked)
What do the parents in your country say to that?

DWIGHT
Usually nothing.   Most of them are too keen to get a war hero in the family, even a dead war hero, to complain….
(Half a beat)
Also there are thousands of people in America each year who simply disappear.   So a lot of parents don’t even know their son has enlisted.

MRS. T
But there must be some parents in America who care enough for their sons’ lives to complain, surely!

DWIGHT
Oh yes, a few do, and the army always releases their sons in those cases.   But otherwise if you’re from Al to F10 and you want to enlist, then you’re as old as you say you are in the U.S.A.

MRS. T
Well how old are you, love!

DWIGHT
Celebrated my sixteenth birthday a month ago.

MRS. T
My God!

The right hand section is darkened, and the left hand section is lit up.

WILLIAMS (To RANDY)
I guess you Aussies must resent us Yanks coming over to your country; drinking all your beer, and taking all your women off you?

RANDY
You aren’t taking all our women off us sport.
(A beat)
You’re just sorting them out for us.

Wendy jumps to her feet.

WENDY (Shouting)
Did you hear that, Yank?   if you were any kind of a man at all, you’d tear his balls off and make him eat them!
(Half a beat)
Go on Yank, kick his guts in!

Williams jumps to his feet and runs around the table to throw a punch at Randy.

Randy avoids the blow and belts Williams in the face.  

Williams staggers, but stays on his feet.

Wendy and June back out of the way.

Williams glances a blow off Randy’s cheek, but Randy fells Williams with a blow to the stomach, followed by one to the face.

OFF STAGE:

MALE VOICE (Shouting)
Fight!   Fight!

END OF OFF:

There is the sound off stage of chairs being pushed back, and two marines run onto stage from the left.

Randy fells one of the marines with a blow to the face, then Randy is knocked off his feet by the other marine.

Randy stands again and is hit twice in the face by the marine, but wards off a third blow and fells the marine with two sharp blows to the face.

MARGIE (Shouting)
If anyone else comes over here, I’ll call the cops!   This is a respectable place.   We don’t want any trouble here.

OFF STAGE:

MALE VOICE
Oh MARGIE!   You’re such a party-pooper!

END OF OFF:

Wendy sneaks up behind Randy and clubs him on the back of
the head with one of her shoes.   He falls to his knees.

Wendy raises her arm to hit Randy again, when June runs over and belts Wendy in the face.

Wendy grunts and collapses onto the stage.

June helps Randy, who is still groggy, to his feet.

JUNE
Here, I’ll give you a hand.

She takes him by one shoulder and they walk off stage together to the left.

The left hand section is darkened and the right hand section is lit up.

Mrs. T and Dwight are still seated as before, Mrs. T is knitting.

After a moment Randy and June walk onto stage from the right.   Randy is still a little groggy, but is now able to walk without help.   Randy sits on the right hand side of the couch; June on the left, with Dwight between them.

MRS. T
Oh RANDY!   You haven’t been drinking too much again, have you?

RANDY
How can I drink too much on only one glass of beer?

JUNE
It depends how big the glass is.

MRS. T (To RANDY)
You don’t really expect me to believe that you went down to the hotel just for one drink, do you?

RANDY
No, I went down there to have forty or fifty beers, But there were so many bloody Yanks there, that all I ended up with was the one drink….
(Half a beat)
With the beer rationing they’re doing, the pubs are only allowed to open for one hour a day.

MRS. T
Still at the rate that you get through the amber fluid Randy, you could have had forty or fifty drinks in an hour.

RANDY
Oh go easy Mum, these days it’s bugger near impossible to even get served down the rub-de-dub if you aren’t decked out in a bloody Yankee uniform.   You could be the first in line with forty Yanks behind you, and every one of them would get served twice, before you even got a look in.
(SHAKING HIS HEAD)
Christ!   And we were worried about the Japs taking over the country.   We’d be better off if they did.   At least they’d stick to the sake and leave the beer to us….
(Half a beat)
Not like the bloody Yanks who act as though they’ve got shares in the bloody breweries or something.

Randy turns to face June and notices Dwight for the first time.

RANDY (Startled)
Strike me silly, we’ve been invaded!
(To DWIGHT)
All you’re getting’s me name, cause I don’t have a rank or serial number.

MRS. T
Randolph!

RANDY (To DWIGHT)
All I ask is that you spare the lives of the women.

MRS. T (Angrily)
Randolph?   We aren’t at war with America.

RANDY
My God, don’t tell me we lost?.   And I had five quid saying we’d win.

MRS. T
Oh Randolph!   Why can’t you be serious for a change?

RANDY
But I am being serious….
(Half a beat)
For a change.
(To JUNE)
You can tell when she’s gone niggly on me because she starts calling me Randolph.   She knows how much I hate that.

MRS. T
Well blame your father.   He’s the one who named you.   I wanted to call you Bucket-Of-Mud.

They all laugh for a moment.

RANDY
Now you know where I got my sick sense of humour from.

MRS. T
Oh Randy, why can’t you just accept the fact that the Americans are our allies?

RANDY
The Americans are no one’s ally except their own.   There’s no way I’ll ever get used to seeing their uniforms polluting the streets and pubs of Brisbane!

MRS. T (Angrily)
Well you’ll just have to try to get used to seeing one American uniform around here anyway….
(POINTING AT DWIGHT)
Because I’ve asked Dwight to stay with us for a while.

RANDY (Shocked)
What?
(Standing)
For how long?

MRS. T
Probably until the end of the war.

RANDY
Christ!   Then I hope it ends soon….
(Half a beat)
Preferably sometime this afternoon.

DWIGHT
Don’t we all?

RANDY (To Mrs. T)
What’s he talking about now?

MRS. T
The end of the war.

RANDY
Oh.   I thought he was talking dirty….
(Half a beat)
I was going to say, typical bloody Yank.

Randy walks toward the back left hand corner of the stage, stops and looks back.

RANDY (To Mrs. T)
Would you like a beer, mum?

MRS. T
Yes thanks, love.

RANDY
JUNE?   I’d offer you something else, but all we’ve got is beer.

JUNE
Beer will do fine.

RANDY (To DWIGHT)
I won’t even bother to ask you, Yank.   I’ve never known an American yet who’d refuse a beer.

DWIGHT
Actually I don’t drink.

RANDY
What?
(CLUTCHING HIS EARS/YELLING)
Quick somebody get a doctor!
(NORMALLY)
My hearing must be going on me.   I thought I heard him say that he doesn’t drink.

DWIGHT
Well water occasionally maybe even the odd glass of milk, but that’s about all.

RANDY
Then come off it, you’re no bloody Yank.
(To JUNE)
He’s probably a Jap spy, pretending to be a Yank.   I thought his eyes looked a bit funny….
(Half a beat)
Not to mention his Js, his Ks and his Ls.

MRS. T
Oh Randolph!

RANDY
Hang on a minute, I haven’t finished yet….
(Half a beat)
Not to mention his Ms, his Ns and his Os.
(A beat)
All right, I’m finished now.   I’ll go and get the beer.

Randy starts to walk off the back of stage.

MRS. T (To DWIGHT)
You’ll have to pardon Randy   He can be a bit strange at times.

DWIGHT
Yes, I’ve noticed.

June and Mrs. T laugh.   Randy stops and turns back.

RANDY
I’ll do the jokes around here, if you don’t mind, Yank.

MRS. T (To RANDY)
His name is DWIGHT; not Yank.

DWIGHT
I thought we’d established that I can’t be a Yank if don’t drink.

RANDY
Yes you’re right.   It’s the eleventh commandment: Yankeths shalt drinketh by the Red Sea-eth full!

Mrs. T and Dwight laugh.

JUNE (Angrily)
Well he certainly can’t be an Aussie either, if he doesn’t drink!

RANDY
Oh pardon me!   I forgot that you’re the one who has the hots for the Americans.

JUNE
(Standing/Yelling)
Well at least they know how to treat a woman like a lady!

RANDY
They ought to; they’ve had enough bloody practice….
(Half a beat)
With our bloody women!

JUNE
Oh go to Hell!

June storms off stage to the right.

MRS. T
I think you put your foot in that one Randolph:   She seemed like a very nice girl.

RANDY
Very nice Australian girls don’t hang around with the Americans.
(SHAKING HIS HEAD)
And I thought there was a law against fraternising with the enemy?

MRS. T
Oh RANDY!   Don’t be so bloody silly!   The Americans are not our enemy.

RANDY
They aren’t?

Randy walks off stage.   There is a moment’s silence.

MRS. T
So you will most likely be in Brisbane until the end of the war, dear?

DWIGHT
Well I can’t be certain really.   It could be a couple of days, or a couple of years.   It really depends on what the high command finally decide on.   President Roosevelt is apparently in favour of pulling most of our troops out of Australia.   But on the other hand, General MacArthur agrees with your Prime Minister Curtin that the war against the Japanese should be fought in the South Pacific.

MRS. T
So it all depends upon who really has control of your army, MacArthur or Roosevelt?

DWIGHT (Hesitantly)
Er yes, I guess so.

Randy walks back on stage, carrying an opened bottle of beer and two glasses.

Mrs. T puts her knitting in its bag and puts the bag on the floor.

Randy hands her a glass and fills it with beer.

MRS. T
Tah.

Randy walks over to the second armchair, and sits, then pours himself a glass of beer and puts the bottle at his feet.

RANDY (To DWIGHT)
Are you sure you wouldn’t like a beer?

DWIGHT
No, no, I don’t drink.   I wouldn’t mind a cup of coffee though, if you’ve got any.

RANDY (Puzzled)
Coffee?   What’s that?   All we’ve got is instant chicory essence.

DWIGHT (Puzzled)
What’s that?

MRS. T
In America, I think you call it endives.

DWIGHT (With distaste)
In that case, forget it!

MRS. T (Holding up her glass)
Cheers, love.

RANDY (To Mrs. T)
Make that one last.   This is my second last bottle.

MRS. T
Why didn’t you bring back a few bottles from the hotel, then?

RANDY
Don’t be silly, Mum.   You can’t buy bottled beer from the pubs anymore.   I have to get my supply on Friday from a mate in the black market.

MRS. T
That’s terrible

She takes a sip of beer.

RANDY
Having to buy beer on the black market?
(SIPPING HIS BEER)
I reckon it is.   They charge a bloody fortune for it.

MRS. T
No, I meant dealing on the black market.

RANDY
I’ve got to stay alive somehow.   Being without beer in a Brisbane summer is bloody terrible….
(Half a beat)
I’m not the bloody thick-head who decided to ration beer in the first place.

MRS. T
Oh Randolph!   You’re not the only one who has to limit himself due to the war.   We all have to suffer a little for the boys at the Front.

RANDY
So what are they going to do?   Send dehydrated bottles of dehydrated beer over to the troops?
(Half a beat)
Just add water and pop it turns into a dozen coldies.   No wonder they keep getting shot over there, if they spend all their time drinking beer.   They probably can’t see the enemy charging.

MRS. T
Oh don’t be so silly, Randy   They’ve had to reduce production at the breweries due to some of their workers having been called up.   And also go they can convert part of the machinery for war-time use.

RANDY
Christ!   Why don’t they just classify the breweries as a vital war-time industry?

MRS. T
Oh Randy, don’t be silly!

RANDY (Indignantly)
There’s nothing silly about it.   Look at all the trouble we’re having with all the bloody Yanks over here now.   Just think how much worse it would be if the bastards couldn’t even get a few drinks!    Struth, booze is the only thing keeping the streets of Brisbane from running with blood.

MRS. T
Oh Randolph, Don’t be so bloody melodramatic!

Randy finishes his glass of beer, and tops up his glass with the remainder in the bottle.

RANDY (Standing)
Well I’ll see you later on.

He starts to walk off stage to the left.

MRS. T (Standing)
RANDY!   Before you….

Randy walks off stage.

OFF STAGE:

RANDY (Shouting)
Jesus Christ!

END OF OFF:

Randy walks back onto stage and stands near the coffee table.   He puts his beer on the coffee table.

MRS. T
Randy I should have told you: I had the American soldiers put up your brother’s bed in your room for Dwight to sleep in.

RANDY (Shouting)
That Yank is sleeping in my room?

MRS. T
Well where else could I put him?

RANDY (Shouting)
But you put him in Trev’s bed!

MRS. T
There was nowhere else for him to sleep.

RANDY (Shouting)
He can sleet on the bloody floor for all I care!

MRS. T (Pleadingly)
Oh Randy, be reasonable.   Your brother is dead.

Randy starts as though struck.

RANDY (Shouting)
We don’t know that!

Mrs. T walks over to Randy and puts a hand on his shoulder.

MRS. T
Oh Randy, he’s been missing now for two years.   If there was any chance at all of him still being alive, we would have heard would have heard something by now.
(WITH EMPHASIS)
He is dead, RANDY!   You have to learn to accept that.

RANDY
Dead and forgotten by the looks of things!

Mrs. T slaps Randy’s face.

MRS. T
Oh Randy, I’m sorry.   But why can’t you be reasonable for a change.
(Half a beat)
Dwight has to sleep somewhere

RANDY
What’s wrong with him sleeping on the couch?
(POINTING TOWARD THE COUCH)

MRS. T
We can’t ask a member of the United States Armed Forces to sleep on the couch, when there’s a bed vacant.

RANDY
All right then.   I’ll sleep on the couch.   You can let your precious golden boy have my bed.

MRS. T
Oh for crying out loud!   There’s no need for either of you to sleep on the couch!   Your room is more than big enough for two people!

RANDY
What about my bloody privacy?

MRS. T (Shouting)
To hell with it!   You didn’t mind sharing a room with Trevor!

RANDY
That was different
(Shouting)
Trev was my brother!

MRS. T
Dwight could be like a brother to you, if you’d let him.

RANDY
A bloody Yank!   Not bloody likely!

MRS. T
Oh Randy   Why do you have to be so damn pig-headed all the time?

Randy gives Mrs. T a dirty look, then moves away from her and

off stage to the right.

DWIGHT
I’m sorry if I have caused you any trouble.

MRS. T (Turning toward DWIGHT)
Oh it isn’t your fault, dear.   Randy can be so stubborn at times.   He has this unreasonable hatred of all Americans.

DWIGHT
But why?

MRS. T
He’s not the only one love.   A lot of Australians hate Americans these days.

DWIGHT
But why?   We’re all on the same side, aren’t we?

MRS. T
Yes.   But some of us have been on that side longer than others.

DWIGHT
What do you mean?

MRS. T
A lot of Australians still resent the fact that your country held off entering the war so long.   They think the Americans should have joined the war effort in ‘39.

DWIGHT
But that isn’t my fault….
(Half a beat)
Any more than it is the fault of the average American soldier.   A lot of us thought the government was wrong in holding off so long.   But there was nothing that we could do about it.

MRS. T
Yes I know, love.   But Randy’s resentment goes deeper than that.
(SIGHING)
His older brother, Trevor, was killed in the war a little over two years ago.

DWIGHT
But how is that our fault?

MRS. T
I suppose he thinks that if America had done the right thing, the war might have been over long before his brother died.

END OF ACT ONE:

ACT TWO:

SCENE ONE:

THE TIME: November 6, 1942.   In the late afternoon.

Uses a multiple setting.

The left hand section is a cross-section of Margie’s pub.   On stage is a round table in the front right hand corner, plus two chairs.

The right hand section is set out as in Act One.

As the scene begins, the right hand section is lit up, and the left hand section is in darkness.

Margie and Mrs. T are seated together on the couch, sipping tea and talking (Mrs. T in the left).

On the coffee table is a metal tray holding a teapot and a plate of sweet biscuits.

MRS. T
Then you think it would be quite all right to hold the dance at the hotel?

MARGIE
I’m sure that it would be, Mrs. T.   I’d have to speak to Mr Bodna first.   But the management is usually only too glad to be seen to be helping out the war effort in any way it can.   Particularly now that Mr Curtin has started to gear up his campaign of greater civilian contributions to the war.

MRS. T
What else can he do when Churchill is forever screaming for Aussie blood.

Randy walks onto stage from the right and stops in front of the couch.

RANDY
Then why doesn’t the pommy parasite tighten his own belt and send in his own troops to be killed?
(Half a beat)
Instead of expecting us to make all the bloody sacrifices?

MARGIE
Oh here we go.   You hate the Yanks and now you hate the poms as Well!   I suppose the only people you like at all are the Aussies and the Germans?

RANDY
At least the Germans didn’t come into the war two bloody years late.

MARGIE (Bewildered)
There’s an insane logic there somewhere.   I’m almost sure of it.

RANDY
But then the Yanks are good at making late arrivals.   I hear they were almost going to call this set-to World-Minus-America-War Two.

MRS. T
We weren’t talking about the Americans; we were talking about the English.

RANDY
They’re just as bloody bad.   Churchill always sends in the Aussies and Kiwis first, to get killed.   Then when all the danger has passed, he sends in his own lot to mop up all the medals!

MARGIE
Oh come on!   That’s a bit of a bloody exaggeration, isn’t it?

RANDY
A bit, perhaps.   But not bloody much.

MRS. T
Oh go on Randolph.   We aren’t just out to help the Mother Country.   Our own boys need a bit of cheering up too.   And if anything we raise can be put to lifting their moral at all, then it has all been worthwhile.

RANDY
If you want to raise their moral, why don’t you just send all the bloody Yankees home?   That’d cheer up our boys no end!

MARGIE
Don’t exaggerate.   Not all Aussie men are as paranoid about the Americans at you are.

RANDY
There’s nothing bloody paranoid about it.
(RAISING HIS VOICE)
How would you like it if you were overseas or were about to go overseas, and you had all these bloody horny Yanks running around trying to get it up your wife, girlfriend, daughter or mother for that matter?

MRS. T (Shocked)
Randolph!

RANDY
Sorry Mum.   But that’s the way these bloody Yanks are.   They’ll put it up anything that looks even vaguely female.

MRS. T
Oh RANDY!   They’re not that bad.

RANDY
They’re bugger close though.
(To Margie)
Even you might have an outside chance with them.

Margie sticks out her tongue toward Randy.

MRS. T (To Margie)
Finished, love?

MARGIE
Yes, thanks.

Margie holds her cup and saucer toward Mrs. T, who adds them to her own, then rises and carries them off stage to the left.   Randy starts to follow her, but Margie calls after him….

MARGIE
Oh RANDY!   I wanted to talk to you for a moment.

RANDY
I suppose you wanted to apologise for giving me the bum’s rush at the pub last week?

MARGIE
Me apologies?   What?   You’re the one who should apologise after the way you acted!

RANDY
Listen I had to defend myself when that crazy Yank attacked me.

MARGIE
You should never have egged him into it!

RANDY
What was I supposed to do when he started boasting about how well he was getting on with our sheilas?

MARGIE
You should never have gone over to their table in the first place!

RANDY
I was invited!
(Half a beat)
And if you hadn’t been making it so hard for me to get a drink, I wouldn’t have had to go over to their table.

MARGIE
Can’t you understand that business is business?   I have to serve the Yanks first; it’s company policy.

RANDY
But why?   My money is as good as theirs.

MARGIE
But it isn’t as much.   We charge the Americans three times the normal rate for all drinks….
(A beat)
So natch they got first priority, Randy.

RANDY
What?   Cripes!   No wonder they all act as though they own the bloody place.   I suppose they’ve all paid for it twice over.

MARGIE (Raising her voice)
It’s no worse than your mate Davo Rose with his taxi; driving straight past Aussies to pick up U.S. servicemen.   Because he charges the Yanks eight times the Australian rate!

RANDY
Leave Davo out of this.
(Half a beat)
Well is this all you wanted to talk to me about?

MARGIE
No.
(SIGHING)
I wanted to tell you that I won’t be able to go to the dance with you on Saturday night.

RANDY (Shocked)
What!   But we arranged it all last week.

MARGIE
Oh no we did not!   You arranged it all last week!   You took it for granted that I’d be going with you.

RANDY
But we’ve always gone to the Saturday night dances together.

MARGIE (Angrily)
But that doesn’t mean that we always have to in the future.   There’s no divine law saying that we always have to go dancing together.

RANDY
Oh.   So you’ve got yourself another date!

MARGIE
He’s not really another date….

RANDY
Oh here we go, three years going steady together, now you finally find another bloke who will go out with you, and so you drop me like a hot spud!

MARGIE
Oh don’t be so bloody childish all the time!   I have to go out with this bloke.   He’s the cousin of a girl I work with.

RANDY
So what?

MARGIE
So he’s just new in town and doesn’t know any girls yet.

RANDY
Too bloody bad!   What about me?

MARGIE
Well I’ll try and set you up with him if you like.   But I think he prefers girls.

RANDY
I was going to say, how am I supposed to find someone else this late in the piece!

MARGIE
From what I saw last week, you don’t have any trouble finding girls!

RANDY (Puzzled)
Oh you mean JUNE?   She was just kind enough to see I was all right, after I was nearly murdered by that Yankee-loving bitch.

MARGIE
If you hadn’t started the brawl in the first place

RANDY
I didn’t!   It was that bloody loud-mouthed Yank….
(Half a beat)
You ought to know by now that it is always the Yanks who cause all the trouble.

MARGIE
Rubbish!   I’ve seen dozens of brawls between the Aussies and the Yanks, over the last year, and almost all of them have been started by the Aussies.   Jealous of the success the Yanks have with the women over here!

RANDY (Shouting)
And why the hell shouldn’t we be bloody jealous of the way you sheilas crawl all over these bloody foreigners.

MARGIE (Shouting)
We don’t crawl all over them!   It’s just that the Yanks treat a girl like a lady; not like a sheila!

RANDY
Hell you’ll be telling me next that your new boyfriend is a Yank, the way you’re going.

MARGIE
He is not my new boyfriend.   And not that it is any of your business, but as a matter of fact he is a GI.

RANDY (Shouting)
I should have bloody known!

MARGIE (Apologetically)
Oh look, Randy, I’m sorry.   But he’s just over from The States and he couldn’t get another date on such short notice.

RANDY
What about me?   How am I supposed to get another date on such short notice.

MARGIE
Maybe you could ask June, since she’s such a helpful type.   I’m sure she’d be happy to go out with you.

RANDY
Well maybe I’ll do just that!

MARGIE
Fine by me!

Rising, she storms off stage to the right.   Randy starts to follow her as Mrs. T and Dwight walk onto stage from the left.

MRS. T
Oh Randy, were you on your way out?

RANDY
As a matter of fact, I was just stepping down to the rubbedy for a quick belt.   They ought to be just about opening up by the time I got down there.

MRS. T (Looking at her watch)
Oh yes, of course they should.   I suppose that’s why Margie had to rush off so suddenly?

RANDY (Extremely embarrassed)
Er yes, something like that.

MRS. T
Well, while you’re going down there, would you mind taking Dwight with you?

RANDY (Shocked)

Me be seen associating with a Yank?

MRS. T
Well he’s only new in Brisbane and still doesn’t know his way around.   So I thought perhaps you could show him the ropes a bit.

RANDY
No worries.
(POINTING AT THE CEILING)
Well there’s one hanging down from the ceiling over there.

MRS. T
Oh Randolph!

RANDY (To DWIGHT)
I hate it when she calls me Randolph.

DWIGHT
Just be thankful your father wouldn’t let her call you Bucket-Of-Mud.

Randy covers his ears with his hands.

RANDY
All right, all right, so I’ll take you along.
(Half a beat)
Anything to got away from those Z-Grade jokes.

MRS. T
Well, what do you consider to be a funny joke?

RANDY
One that I’ve told, of course.
(To DWIGHT)
All right you can trail along if you want to.   But I thought you don’t drink?

DWIGHT
That’s right, but I thought perhaps you could show me some of the sights?

RANDY
All right then, let’s go.   With your uniform flashing, maybe we cat even get a ride in a taxi, instead of hoofing it all the way down there.

The three of them walk off stage to the right.

The right hand section is darkened, and the left hand

section is lit up, to show Margie standing behind the counter.

After a moment Randy and Dwight walk onto stage from the left.   They sit at the table, and Margie walks over and stands near Randy.

MARGIE
Come to apologise?

RANDY
When hell or Brisbane freezes over, whichever is hottest.   You’re the one who owes me an apology!

MARGIE
If that’s the way you want it.

She turns and starts to walk back to the counter.

DWIGHT
Could we order some drinks please?

Margie stops and walks back to the table.

MARGIE (To DWIGHT)
Sure, honey, what’ll it be?

DWIGHT
A beer for my pal, and an orange juice for myself.

MARGIE
Orange juice?   We don’t get many orders for that around here these days.

Dwight takes out a U.S. $5.00 note and hands it to Margie.

RANDY
He’s only an apprentice Yank; he’s still learning the ropes.

MARGIE (Pointing at the roof)
Well there’s one hanging down from the ceiling over there.

RANDY
I’ve already done that one, without even raising a chuckle.

MARGIE
Well, your jokes are always funnier when I tell them.

Margie walks off stage to the left.

After a moment she returns with the drinks, and Dwight’s change.   She hands them each their glass and Dwight his change which he puts into his shirt pocket.

MARGIE
So how do you like Brisbane so far, handsome?

RANDY
It’s all right, but it gets boring after a while.

MARGIE
Not you, you twit.   I meant Dwight.

DWIGHT
I guess it’s okay, but I was sort of hoping to see a lot more of your Australian wildlife,.

RANDY
Well take a gawk over there.
(POINTING OFF STAGE TO THE LEFT)
You’ve got all you could ever want to see.

DWIGHT (Puzzled)

Er, I don’t quite…?

RANDY
Well let’s have a look….
(SCANNING HIS HEAD AROUND)
From what I can see you’ve got at least a dozen drongos, about a dozen yobbos, half a dozen or more flaming galahs and two or three mug-pommy-bastards.
(Half a beat)
What more wildlife could you want than that?

Margie & Dwight laugh for a moment.

DWIGHT
Actually that’s not quite what I meant….
(Half a beat)
You see in the U.S.A. we’re sort of led to believe that in Australia the streets are more or less shared equally between the homo-Sapiens and marsupial animals.

RANDY
Well some of the people around here these days are real animals, but I think I see what you mean.
(Half a beat)
You expected to see street signs up everywhere saying, ‘Kangaroo Crossing’, ‘Emu Crossing’, ‘Wombat Crossing’, et cetera?

DWIGHT
Quite frankly yes.

RANDY
And to find the streets stalked by savage didgeridoo plants and man-eating koalas?

MARGIE (Between laughter)
Oh Randy.

RANDY
Well I’m afraid you came at the wrong time of the year for that.   We’ve just pruned back all the didgeridoo plants, and the koalas are all hibernating in their caves….
(Half a beat)
About the best we can do for you at the moment is that we’ve got a Kangaroo Court just down the road a bit.   But they don’t often find them guilty of anything.

Dwight laughs, but Margie looks angry.

MARGIE
Oh Randy, don’t be such a bloody great dill.   Didgeridoos don’t grow on trees.

RANDY
I suppose they make them out of bricks these days?

MARGIE
Well all right, but koalas aren’t bears and they sure as Christ don’t hibernate

RANDY
Then what are they; Miss Smarty pants?

MARGIE
They’re a type of possum if you don’t know.

RANDY
Oh rubbish!

MARGIE
It’s true.

RANDY
It is not, and I’ll prove it,
(To DWIGHT)
Have you ever heard of a koala possum?

DWIGHT (Shaking head)
No, never.

RANDY (To Margie)
See, that proves it; that’s two against one.

MARGIE (To RANDY)
Has anyone ever told you that you’re an idiot?

RANDY
Yes, everyone tells me that.   But I try not to brood on it too much; for fear of getting an inferiority complex.

MARGIE
If there was any justice in the world, you would have an inferiority complex; because you are inferior!

RANDY
Oh here we go.
(To DWIGHT)
Rule number one in Aussie Etiquette; never miss an opportunity to kick your opponent when he’s down.
(TO Margie/POINTING AT HIS LEFT LEG)
Go on there’s a bit you missed; get the boot right in.

MARGIE
Oh poor liddle RANDY-Pandy, didum mean ol’ MARGIE-Pargie hurtum’s widdle fweelings?

RANDY (To DWIGHT)
Rule number two: never fail to break into illiterate gibberish when you’re losing an argument.

DWIGHT (Puzzled)
You mean there’s such a thing as literate gibberish?

MARGIE
Oh don’t be so bloody stupid.   I wasn’t losing.

RANDY (To DWIGHT)
Rule number three use non-specific insults freely.

MARGIE
That wasn’t an non-specific insult.   I did specify it.   I called you bloody stupid….
(Half a beat)
And while you’re being so bloody stupid, I bet you don’t know any more about The States, than he knew about Australia before shipping over here?

RANDY
Oh of course I do.   Anything I don’t know about the United States just isn’t worth knowing.

DWIGHT
That’s right, you could fill an encyclopaedia with what he doesn’t know about America.

RANDY
Exactly.
(HE LOOKS PUZZLED FOR A MOMENT/TO DWIGHT)
Shut up!

MARGIE
All right then, what do you know about it?

RANDY
Well to start with, it’s that bi-i-ig….
(HOLDING HIS HANDS WIDE APART)
Place way across the ocean where all the bloody Yanks come from.

MARGIE
Oh brilliant!   Just brilliant!

RANDY
Also, I know that they don’t have any koala possums or didgeridoo-plants.   Which is why they’re always coming over here to pinch our bloody didgeridoos and koala possums.

MARGIE
Oh you drongo; you wouldn’t know a didgeridoo if you sat on one.

RANDY
I think I would.   I’d be talking in a high voice for quite some time afterward.

OFF STAGE: (FROM THE LEFT)

MALE VOICE
Hey MARGIE!   How about some service?

END OF OFF:

MARGIE (To LEFT)
How about sticking it?

OFF STAGE: (FROM THE LEFT)

MALE VOICE
Sure honey, your place or mine?

END OF OFF:

MARGIE
Creep!

OFF STAGE: (FROM THE LEFT)

MALE VOICE
Come on Margie.
(PLEADINGLY)
Who does a man have to kill to get a drink around here?

FEMALE VOICE

For God’s sake Marg!   Can you give me a bit of a hand?

END OF OFF:

MARGIE
Sure no worries.

She turns towards the left and claps lightly three or four times.

MARGIE
Bravo, bravo, encore.

OFF STAGE: (FROM THE LEFT)

FEMALE VOICE
Jesus!   Everyone’s a comedian these days!

END OF OFF:

MARGIE (To RANDY and DWIGHT)
Well I suppose I’d better go and help serve the thirsty minions.

RANDY
Don’t tell me they’re over here now?   And I was worried about the bloody Yanks?

Dwight laughs, but Margie gives Randy a hard look, as she turns to the left to leave.

Dwight sips his orange juice for a moment.

DWIGHT
Have you ever considered joining up?

RANDY
What and go off and die for my glorious country?

DWIGHT
Something like that.

RANDY
Not a chance.   I know all about that lark!   The Aussies get sent to die in Germany, and you lot come over here to bed our sheilas.

Margie stops just at the edge of stage and looks back toward them.

MARGIE
Oh RANDY!

RANDY
Well it’s the truth.

MARGIE
It is not.

RANDY (To DWIGHT)
Actually I was too smart to ever join up.

MARGIE
That’s a polite way of admitting that he’s gutless!

RANDY
Oh thank you very much!

MARGIE
No bloody sense of humour, that’s your trouble.

RANDY
Some bloody joke!

MARGIE
And all of your jokes are screamingly funny?

RANDY
They sure are.   I’m glad we’ve come to an agreement on it.   Thanks for saying so.

MARGIE
I wasn’t being literal.

RANDY
If my jokes were any more screamingly funny, the cops would be kicking the door down to see who we’re murdering.
(Half a beat)
Anyway, weren’t you leaving?

She walks off stage to the left.   Randy has a long drink, half emptying his glass of beer.

RANDY
Actually I did think of it, when the war first broke out.
(A beat)
In 1939 that is, not 1941.

Dwight laughs self-consciously.

RANDY
My brother, Trevor, and I both talked a lot about going off to do our bit for our country.   In the end we decided that one of us should stay behind to look after Mum.   Our father had just died about a year before the war started….
(Half a beat)
1938 that is, not 1940.   So in the end, we tossed a coin to see who’d go and who would stay.   I won the toss, so Trev went off and enlisted.

Dwight looks slightly shocked by this admission.

DWIGHT
And your brother was lost in action over there.
(HE FINISHES HIS ORANGE JUICE)

RANDY (Sighing)
Yes, he….
(Half a beat)
He was doing all right against the Boche, then the British had to go and stick their noses into it….

DWIGHT (Puzzled)
The British?   I don’t understand?

RANDY
Friendly fire they called it.
(He sighs heavily)
A whole troop of Aussies and Kiwis were mown down by the British.   Just a locational error on the drawing board.   They still haven’t determined whether our lot were in the wrong place, or whether the Poms were.   Anyway they were all slaughtered, except for five whose bodies were never recovered; including Trev.

DWIGHT
Is that why you hate the Yanks?   Because you think that the war might have been over before that if we’d come into it sooner?

RANDY (Sighing)
No.   I’ve thought of that.   But on the other hand it your lot had gone into the war in ‘39 it might have meant Trev dying earlier.
(Half a beat)
I’ve thought of that too.   I believe in giving you blokes a fair go….

Margie walks back onto stage from the left, stands a few feet away from the table.

MARGIE
Did I just hear you crack a joke, RANDY?
(Half a beat)
You giving the Yanks a fair go?

RANDY
Why don’t you keep your big mouth shut, unless you’re offering very special services these days, and go and serve your Yank, boyfriends?

MARGIE
That’s what I am doing.
(To DWIGHT)
What’ll it be, love?

RANDY
No, just get him another drink.

Margie gives Randy a dirty look.

RANDY (To Margie)
All right, just give us the same again.

Margie acts an though Randy hasn’t spoken.

MARGIE
What will it be, love?

DWIGHT
Just give us the same again.

Dwight takes a U.S. $5.00 note out of his shirt pocket, and hands the note to Margie.

DWIGHT
And buy yourself a drink out of that too.

MARGIE
Thanks, honey, I will.

She picks up Dwight’s empty glass and Randy’s half empty glass.

MARGIE
You’re finished with that, aren’t you?

RANDY
Don’t push your luck, Marg!

He takes the glass off her, sculls the remainder and hands the glass back to Margie, who shakes her head.

MARGIE
I don’t know, the Yanks not only beat you with women, but they can drink you under the table too.

RANDY
Oh come on!   He was only drinking orange juice!

MARGIE (Shaking head)
Excuses, excuses.

She walks off stage to the left, and returns after a few moments with the two drinks which she places in front of them.

MARGIE (To RANDY)
Or perhaps I’d better give you the orange juice this time, RANDY?   Since you don’t seem to be able to handle the amber fluid any more!

OFF STAGE: (FROM THE LEFT)

MALE VOICE
Marg!   How about a drink over here too?

END OF OFF:

RANDY (To Margie)
Perhaps you’d better keep your mouth shut and just go and attend to your performing galahs?

MARGIE (Doing NAZI SALUTE)
Ja wohl mein Führer!

She hands Dwight his change, which he pockets, then Margie starts to walk off stage to the left.

DWIGHT (To RANDY)
What do you mean, performing galahs?

RANDY
It’s just an Australian idiom.

MARGIE
It wasn’t that bad.

RANDY
I said idiom; you idiot.

Margie walks off stage and Randy and Dwight sip their drinks for a moment.

RANDY
Well now you’ve heard my life story; what’s your excuse for being in the military?

DWIGHT
Well I guess it was mainly from what you said before about the war starting in 1939; not ‘41….
(Half a beat)
By the time the President finally got around to doing the right thing and entering the war, most American youths were so thoroughly ashamed of the way that we had let our allies down, that I guess we all sort of tried to join up at once….
(A beat)
Of course, a lot of our boys had gone across to Canada to enlist when the war first started, after it became obvious that Roosevelt had no intention of honouring our pledges to England and France.

He pauses and sips his orange juice.

RANDY
But not you?

DWIGHT
God I tried to, but I was only thirteen when the war first broke out.   And the Canadian Government was a hell of a lot stricter about the minimum age limit of eighteen than the U.S.A was when they finally got off their butt.
(Half a beat)
So I was able to sign up while not quite sixteen.

RANDY
So now you’re over here doing your patriotic duty drinking our beer and bedding our women?

DWIGHT
Well I don’t drink alcohol!

RANDY
All right then drinking our orange juice and bedding our women.

DWIGHT
Well I haven’t actually dated any of your women yet.
(Half a beat)
Let alone bedded any of them.

RANDY
Well if you’re feeling lonely, why don’t you try your luck with MARGIE?   She goes for anything in a Yankee uniform.

OFF STAGE: (FROM THE LEFT)

MARGIE
What was that, RANDY?

END OF OFF:

RANDY
Just giving Dwight some advice about making points with Charlies.

OFF STAGE: (FROM THE LEFT)

MARGIE
Oh God, Captain Eunuch is giving advice again on how to pick up sheilas.
(A beat)
Talk about the blind leading the blind.

A number of male and female voices burst into laughter.

MALE VOICE
So since when have you ever had any luck with the Charlie Wheelers, Thomas?

END OF OFF:

RANDY (To DWIGHT)
Now you see what I meant about the performing galahs.
(HE FINISHES HIS BEER)
So now you’ve seen that it’s not all orange juice and skittles, why not do yourself a favour and own up about your age and be shipped back Stateside?

DWIGHT
Not a chance.   I may not always be overly proud of the way my country is conducting itself in the war, or even of the welcome we get in Australia.   But I’m here now and I’ll stick it out.

RANDY
And die like a man at sixteen?

DWIGHT
There are worse things than dying for your country.

RANDY
Maybe so, but there are a lot of fucken better things too.

END OF SCENE ONE:

ACT TWO:

SCENE TWO:

THE TIME: November 14, 1942.   In the evening.

Uses a multiple setting.

The left hand side is bare of furniture and is a cross-section of Margie’s hotel, cleared for dancing.

The centre section is also in the hotel.   There is a round table with half a dozen or so bottles of different wines and a dozen empty glasses.

The right hand section is set out the same as in Act One.

As the scene begins, the left hand and centre sections are in darkness, and the right hand section is lit up.

Mrs. T is sitting in the armchair on the left; Margie in the one on the right.   Dwight is sitting on the left hand end of the couch; Randy on the right, and June in the centre.

MRS. T
I hear that there should be quite a turn out tonight?

MARGIE
Oh yes, we sold nearly two-hundred tickets.   It seems that everyone wants to be seen to be doing their bit for the boys overseas.

RANDY
Yes?   Then why don’t they have a whip around to raise the boat fare for them all to come home and send it to them with a little note saying, “Come back, while you’re still in one piece”?

MRS. T
Oh don’t be so bloody silly Randolph.   How can we possibly afford to bring them back yet, when Hitler is still rampaging across Europe?

MARGIE
Yes all we’re trying to do is raise funds for vital supplies to send to our troops overseas to help raise their moral.

RANDY
With any luck at all you’ll raise enough to send all the Yanks homes.

MRS. T
Oh get off it about the Yanks, Randolph!

MARGIE
But while we’re on the subject I don’t want to single anyone out, but if any one starts any trouble with the Americans tonight, he is likely to be banned from the hotel for life….
(Half a beat)
RANDY!

RANDY
Oh come on!   Why single me out?   When have I ever started trouble with the Yanks?

MARGIE
When haven’t you?   I’m still apologising to Mr Bodna for the trouble you caused a fortnight ago.

RANDY
That wasn’t my fault!

MARGIE
Well just be on your best behaviour tonight.   I stuck my neck out for you over that….

RANDY (Disbelief)
Oh come on!

MARGIE
It’s true, Mr Bodna was all for banning you for life after the ruckus you caused.   And of course everyone knows that I’d been going out with you.   So I was the one who had to make excuses for you, then stick my neck out and guarantee that there would never be any repeat performances.

RANDY (Between laughter)
That was pretty silly of you.

MARGIE
It’s no laughing matter!   Why did you have to do it?

RANDY
Listen, I had to defend myself when that bloody crazy Yank attacked me.

MARGIE (Holding a hand up to silence RANDY)
Nonetheless, if there is any trouble tonight….
(Half a beat)
Any trouble at all tonight, I will personally rip your balls off and make you eat them!

MRS. T
Margie, please!

MARGIE
Sorry, Mrs. T.   But he had to be told.

RANDY
Jesus, that’s not very lady-like, Marg.

MARGIE (Angrily)
Get fucked.

RANDY
That’s even less so.

Margie glares at him.

KNOCKING ON DOOR, off stage to the right.

MARGIE (Standing)
I’ll get it.   It’s probably my date.

She walks off stage to the right.

MRS. T (Standing)
Yes, I suppose we had better all be leaving, or we’ll be late.

RANDY
Yes, Christ, it’d be a sorry state of affairs if they ran out of grog before we got there; after what it cost for a ticket.

MRS. T
It might be a good thing if they did.   You always get moody after you’ve had a few in you and you heard what Margie said.

She walks off stage to the right.   June wags a finger at Randy mockingly then scurries off stage laughing, with Randy chasing her.   Dwight stands and follows them.

The right hand section is darkened and the centre section is it up.

Randy, June and Dwight walk onto stage, and Randy starts toward the drinks’ table.

JUNE
How about dancing for a while first, before getting drowned in the plonk?

RANDY
Are you joking or what?   This is the first time in nearly three years that I’ve had the drinks laid on without having to stand in line behind the Yankee uniforms.

JUNE (Shaking head)
Talk about the last of the great romantics!

RANDY
Valentino?   What about him?   Personally, I heard that he was a bit of a horse’s.

JUNE
Not Valentino you great twit!   You!

RANDY
Me?   I’m not a bit of a horse’s!

JUNE
You must be, if you’d prefer a bottle to me!

RANDY (Pouring himself a drink)
Why don’t you ask, Dwight to tread the boards with you?   He doesn’t even drink, so he’s got plenty of spare time for dancing.
(To DWIGHT)
You won’t mind circling the ballroom with her, will you mate?

DWIGHT
No, I’d be honoured to dance with her.

JUNE
Oh Dwight must have his own girl to dance with?

DWIGHT
No I don’t.

RANDY
I keep telling you mate speak to MARGIE; she’ll fix you up….
(Half a beat)
With someone.

JUNE
Oh RANDY!

RANDY
Oh JUNE!
(To DWIGHT)
This is our ‘Oh John; Oh Marsha’ routine.   Perhaps you’d better cover your ears.
(To JUNE)
He’s still a little too young to know about that sort of thing.

JUNE (Shaking head)
God, you’re a sick person.

RANDY
How dare you call me God!
(A beat)
I mean, how dare you call me a person?

JUNE (To DWIGHT)
Come on handsome, let’s and have ourselves a good times and leave this twirp to get pickled.

She takes Dwight by the arm and starts leading him toward the left.

JUNE
I’ve always preferred the strong, silent type anyway….
(Half a beat)
Rather than the pudgy, loud-mouthed types.  
(To RANDY)
Not to be personal of course.

She leads Dwight offstage at the left.

The centre section is darkened and the left hand section is lit up as June and Dwight walk onto .tags.

A waltz is playing, and in the centre of the room Williams and Margie are dancing.   Although in reality it is little more than a groping session, with Margie doing her best to fend off Williams’ wandering hands. 

Wendy is dancing with an Australian.

MARGIE
For God’s sake Bill!   If you don’t keep your hands to yourself, you can find yourself someone else to dance with!

WILLIAMS
Oh come on Margie.   Have a heart.   You wouldn’t refuse a serviceman would you?   For all you know I might be shipped over to France tomorrow.   Then how would you feel if you knocked me back, then read that I’d been killed in action!

MARGIE
Tre-bloody-mendous!   I’d think, ‘Well that’s one less creep in the world!’
(Half a beat)
Don’t waste your breath Bill, I’ve had that line tried on me by experts!

WILLIAMS
Oh come on Margie.   You know you’re the only girl I’ve ever really cared for.

He pats her on the backside, and she breaks away from him.

MARGIE
Oh drop dead, Bill!

She walks off stage to the left as the dance ends.

Williams goes over to Wendy for the next dance, as the Australian walks off stage to the left.   The next waltz starts up and Williams and Wendy, and June and Dwight start dancing.

Suddenly Wendy squeals.

WENDY
Oh Bill, you must be a Roman!

WILLIAMS
No only my hands are.

WENDY (Laughs shrilly)
Yes I can tell!   Now I know why they call you The Octopus.

WILLIAMS (Proudly)
You’ve heard of that, have you?

WENDY (Laughs shrilly)
Oh Bill, not here!

WILLIAMS
Oh come on honey, you wouldn’t refuse a man, knowing that it might be his last day alive.   Tomorrow I could be shipped off to France to be killed by the Huns, fighting to make this country a safer place for cowards to live in.

WENDY
Gee, I never thought of it like that before.

WILLIAMS
Well you should, honey.   How would you feel if you knocked me back, then read that I’d been killed in action?

WENDY
Well I really don’t know?

He feels so her backside with one hand.

WILLIAMS
Come on Wendy, have a heart.
(PATTING HER BACKSIDE)
You know you’re the only girl I’ve ever really cared for.

WENDY
Really, Bill?

WILLIAMS
Would I lie to you?

They cuddle and kiss, then walk off stage to the left.

WILLIAMS
I’m sure there must be a vacant bedroom around here somewhere.

JUNE (To DWIGHT)
Now you see, you should be learning from that Dwight.   You’re an American so you’re supposed to say things like that.

DWIGHT
Oh have a heart June.   You know you’re the only girl I’ve ever really cared for.

He pats her on the backside.

Laughing, June breaks away and wags a finger at Dwight.

JUNE
Now, now, you’re learning a little too quickly.

The left hand section is darkened and the centre section is lit up to show Randy still helping himself from the drinks table.

Mrs. T walks onto stage from the left.

MRS. T
So there you are.   I might have known you’d be at the bottle.

RANDY
Oh give it a rest Mum.   This is the first chance I’ve had at a real spree, since they first started rationing the pubs.

MRS. T
But Randy, you’re supposed to be here to have fun.

RANDY
I am having fun.   I’m having the time of my life.

MRS. T
God Randy, you’re getting to be as bad as your father was!

RANDY
What is that supposed to mean?   Dad was all right.

MRS. T
Except when he was off on a bender.   He’d be alive today if it wasn’t for the boozing he did.

RANDY
How do you figure that one Mum?   He fell under a train.

MRS. T
After held been drinking for the better part of four hours straight.

RANDY
Christ you don’t have to be too drunk not to fall under a train after four hours of drinking.

MRS. T
Yes, but you know what your father was like.   He was plastered after three glasses of Four-X.

RANDY
But I’m not my father.

MRS. T
Just your father’s son.   It takes you at least four glasses of Four-X to get plastered.

RANDY (Between laughter)
Five on a good day.

MRS. T
Oh Randy, it’s no laughing matter.   You can’t just stand here drinking all night.

RANDY
Don’t worry, I won’t.   But I want to get in some solid drinking before all the booze is gone.

MRS. T
Oh Randy, it’s not going to turn into pumpkin juice at midnight.   And what about poor Junie?

RANDY
Don’t worry, she won’t turn into pumpkin juice at midnight either.

MRS. T
No you great galah, I meant how is she supposed to amuse herself while you’re here gulping down liquid like a drowning fish?

RANDY
Don’t worry, Dwight’s treading the boards with her.

MRS. T
But what about Dwight’s date?

RANDY
He doesn’t have one; he’s been too shy to approach any girls yet.

MRS. T
Well you should have asked June or Margie to fix him up with one of their girlfriends.

RANDY
I told him to use the ‘catch ‘em while you can’ method to get a date.   But he was too gutless to even try it.

MRS. T
The what method?

RANDY
‘Catch ‘em while you can’.   It’s quite simple and totally foolproof.   What you do is go to some place where there are plenty of women, pick out one that you like the look of, go over to her and grabbing her around the waist, or whatever, you pull her up against yourself and say, ‘You’re with me now.’
(Half a beat)
It never fails, because they’re always so stunned by the nerve of it, that by the time they come around to their sense, you’ve already got them outside into your car or a taxi or whatever.

MRS. T (Between laughter)
Oh Randy.

RANDY
Well it works for Randolph Scott.

He finishes his drink, and helps himself to a glass of moselle as June and Dwight walk onto stage together from the left.

DWIGHT (To JUNE)
Would you like a drink?

JUNE
Yes please, honey.   Just a glass of moselle.

Dwight pours a glass of moselle which he hands to June.

DWIGHT
What about you, MRS T?

MRS. T
Just a glass of claret love, if there’s any there.

RANDY (To DWIGHT/Pointing)
That’s the red stuff.

DWIGHT
Is that what it is?   I thought it was blood.

JUNE (To Mrs. T)
You can tell he’s been hanging around Randy too long.

MRS. T
Yes!   I think it must be contagious.

RANDY
Christ I get blamed for everything around here.

Dwight pours a glass of claret and hands it over to Mrs. T who starts sipping it.

Margie walks onto stage from the left.

MARGIE
That’s because you’re usually guilty of everything that happens around here.
(Half a beat)
Righto who’s pouring?

RANDY
Dwight is.

MARGIE
Good idea.   It pays to have a barman who doesn’t drink.

She gives Randy a meaningful look.

MARGIE
That way he’ll leave some of the booze for other people.

RANDY
All rights all right, get off my back, MARGIE!   Just because I like to snort down, I mean guzzle, er drink the occasional small sherry.

MARGIE
Small sherry cask more like it!

RANDY (Shaking head)
I don’t know, you women, you’re all the same.
(Half a beat)
You only come to these dances to dance!

MARGIE (To DWIGHT)
I’ll have a glass of rosé.

Dwight pours a glass of rosé and hands it to Margie.

MARGIE (To DWIGHT)
Where’s your date, honey?

DWIGHT
I don’t have a date.

RANDY
We meant to ask you to fix him up….
(Half a beat)
With someone.

MARGIE (Angrily)
You’ve got a dirty mind Randy.

RANDY
Thank you; that’s the kindest thing you’ve said against me in a fortnight.

MARGIE (Sighing)
My God!   How can you insult an idiot?

RANDY
I give up, how can you insult an idiot?

MARGIE
It wasn’t a riddle, you drongo!

They sip their drinks in silence for a few moments.

Margie places her empty glass upon the drinks table.

MARGIE
Since you’re unattached handsome, why don’t you ask me for a dance?

DWIGHT
My pleasure, would you like to dance?

MARGIE
Of course.   I wouldn’t have asked you to ask me, if I didn’t.

JUNE
Well that makes sense….
(Half a beat)
No matter what anyone else might say.

Dwight and Margie walk off stage to the left, arm in arm.

The centre section is darkened and the left hand section is lit up as Dwight and Margie walk onto stage.

Williams walks onto stage from the left at the same time.  

There is a waltz playing, and Dwight and Margie start dancing.

As the dance ends June walks onto stage from the right and Williams zeros in on her.

WILLIAMS
How about the next dance, honey?

JUNE
All right, Bill.   But keep your hands to yourself.

WILLIAMS (Innocently)
How can we dance without touching at all?

JUNE (Emphatically)
You know what I mean, Bill!   Don’t act the innocent with me.

The next tune starts playing and the two couples start dancing.

After a few moments, June breaks away from Williams.

JUNE
I told you to keep your hands to yourself, Bill!

WILLIAMS
Oh have a heart, Junie.

JUNE
I know, Bill I’m the only girl that you’ve ever really cared for.

WILLIAMS
Exactly.   Now stop playing hard to get at!

June breaks away from Williams again.

WILLIAMS
Don’t think you can keep getting away with the vestal virgin line all your life!
(HE GRABS HER BY THE ARM)
Now come on, there must be a vacant bedroom around here somewhere.

JUNE (Breaking away from him)
I told you to keep your hands to yourself

Williams grabs June by the arm again.

DWIGHT
Pardon me for a moment.

Dwight leaves Margie and goes over and grabs Williams by the hand.

DWIGHT
You heard the lady.

WILLIAMS
Buzz off pal, this is none of your business.

DWIGHT
Well I’m making it my business, buddy.

WILLIAMS (Letting go of JUNE)
Hey you’re from The States, right pal?

DWIGHT
No I was born in Melbourne.   I only talk like this because a Melbourne accent doesn’t get you as far with the girls in Brisbane.

WILLIAMS (Between laughter)
Hey that’s a good one.

He slaps Dwight on the back playfully.

WILLIAMS
Look there’s no need for us to be arguing we’re on the same side.   We should be sharing the girls here; not fighting over them.

DWIGHT
Yes, but some of us like to ask first before helping ourselves.

June walks over to Margie as Wendy walks onto stage from the left and joins them.

Williams puts an arm around Dwight’s shoulders.

WILLIAMS
So how long have you been over here, buddy?

DWIGHT
Only for a few weeks.

WILLIAMS
Yeah?   Well how are things Stateside?

DWIGHT
Oh pretty much the same as they are over here.

WILLIAMS
Either you’re kidding or delirious   Nowhere else in the world is like this place: beer, skittles and women laid on for the taking.
(SHAKING HIS HEAD)
Gee they’re right when they say, ‘War is hell!’

Williams laughs raucously at his own joke.

MARGIE
My God!   Get two Yanks together anywhere in the world, and straight away they’re talking about the Dodgers, the Grand Canyon, mom’s hot apple pie and the Bronx Zoo!

WENDY (Puzzled)
The Bronx Zoo?   Where’s that?

JUNE
In the Bronx, of course!

WENDY (Sulkily)
Oh June, why do you always have to treat me like I’m some kind of an idiot?

JUNE
I’m sorry WENDY.
(Pulling Wendy up against her)
You know you’re the only girl that I’ve ever really cared for.

She pats Wendy on the backside, and Wendy jumps away from June and stares open-mouthed at her for a few seconds, before running off stage to the left.

June and Margie laugh loudly and Dwight and Williams look over toward them

DWIGHT
What’s up?

WILLIAMS
Hey where did Wendy go?

JUNE
I think she said that she had to leave.   But I’m sure you can still catch up with her, if you hurry.

WILLIAMS
Hey, let her go, why should I waste my breath catching that party-pooper, when you’re still here?

JUNE
I know Bill I’m the only girl that you’ve ever really cared for….

Williams stares at June, uncertain whether or not he should take offence.

OFF STAGE: (FROM THE LEFT)

MALE VOICE
Hey MARGIE!   How about a dance?

END OF OFF:

MARGIE
Well, that’s my date, so I suppose I’ll have to oblige him.   I can’t ignore him all night….
(Half a beat)
Even if he is a creep.   His nickname is Tarzan.

JUNE
Why?   Because he’s big and muscular?

MARGIE
No, because he’s half-man and half-ape.

She walks off stage to the left as June laughs.

JUNE
And I suppose I had better go and see if my date can still stand up.

WILLIAMS
Come on Junie you’ve got us now.

JUNE
Thanks, but no thanks.

She walks off stage to the right.

The left hand section is darkened and the centre section is lit up as June walks onto stage.

There is no one else on stage.

JUNE
Now where has he gone to?

She looks around the room, then walks over and looks under the table, as Randy walks onto stage from the right.

RANDY
What have you lost?

JUNE (Looking up/Startled)
Oh there you are.

RANDY
Surely you didn’t think that you’d find me under there?

JUNE
You never can tell.   The way you were knocking them back earlier, anything is possible.

RANDY
No worries; I can handle my booze.

JUNE
Then where have you been?

RANDY
Off having naughties with Greta Garbo.   But I was too much man for her and wore her right out.   So I decided to come back here and see if you are more woman than she is.

JUNE (Between laughter)
All right, fair enough.   Well if you’ve finished having naughties with Greta now, perhaps you have time to have a dance with me.

RANDY
Oh well I don’t know.
(CONSIDERING FOR A MOMENT)
I sort of promised the first dance to Greta.   But since she’s still sleeping off the naughties we had, I suppose what she doesn’t know can’t hurt her.

They walk off stage to the left, arm in arm.

The centre section is darkened, and the left hand section is lit up as June and Randy walk onto stage, Dwight and Williams are still standing together talking about The States.

DWIGHT
So do you think the Dodgers can win the series this year?

WILLIAMS
No way, the Braves are as good as a sure thing.

He stops as he and Dwight both notice June and Randy at the same time.   There is music playing lightly so June and Randy start dancing.

After the dance finishes, Dwight walks over and takes Randy by the arm.

DWIGHT
Randy, there’s someone I’d like you to meet.

They walk back over to Williams and Dwight.

DWIGHT (Pointing to WILLIAMS)
Bill Williams.
(POINTING TO RANDY)
This is Randy Thomas.

Randy and Williams glare at each other for a moment.

WILLIAMS
Yeah, we’ve already met.
(To RANDY)
Well it looks like we’ll get to finish our little conversation after all.   Last time you left in rather a hurry!

RANDY
Well you were taking a little nap at the time, so I didn’t want to wake you.

WILLIAMS
Well I’m wide awake now buddy and raring to go!
(HE GOES INTO A BOXING STANCE)
All right, put ‘em up!

RANDY
Don’t be even bloody stupider than usual, Williams.   This isn’t the time or the place for a re-match.

WILLIAMS (Standing normally)
All right then, step outside with me.

RANDY
I’m not stepping out anywhere.

WILLIAMS
Gutless coward!

RANDY
All right, so I’m a gutless coward.   But I’m still not stepping outside with you.
(To JUNE)
Come on let’s go to the main ballroom.   The air is a little cleaner out there.

He walks over to June, and they start walking off stage to the left, arm in arm together.

Williams runs up behind Randy, and shoves him hard in the back.

Randy stops for a moment as though considering retaliating, then starts walking again.

Williams pushes Randy again, then Dwight runs over and grabs Williams by the arm.

DWIGHT
Come on Bill.   Weren’t you going to tell me about your cousin who plays for the Rams?

WILLIAMS
Later kid, later.   First I’ve got to take care of this asshole.

Williams goes to kidney-punch Randy who is at the very edge of the stage, but Dwight grabs Williams’ fist.

Williams tries to shrug Dwight away.   When he can’t, Williams turns and punches Dwight in the face, then stomach.

Dwight groans and collapses onto the stage.

Williams doubles up and Randy walks over to Dwight as JUNE
runs across.

Randy and June start half leading; half carrying Dwight off stage to the left.

Williams recovers and grabs Randy by the left arm and pulls him back onto stage as June and Dwight walk off stage.

WILLIAMS
Not so bloody fast you bastard.   You ran away once, but this time you’re gonna get what’s coming to you.

Williams swings a punch at Randy’s head.

Randy ducks and punches Williams in the stomach.

Williams doubles up and Randy turns back toward the edge of the stage.

Williams quickly recovers and jumps at Randy.

The two men fight, exchanging blows to the head and stomach for a few moments, before Randy starts to get the upper hand.

Randy punches Williams three times in quick succession in the stomach, as Margie and Mrs. T walk onto stage from the right.

Williams collapses to his knees and Randy hits him hard in the face, knocking him to the floor, unconscious.

MARGIE (Running over to RANDY)
You rotten bastard!   After giving me your word not to start anything!

She slaps Randy’s face hard.

MARGIE (Shouting)
Now got out
(POINTING OFF STAGE LEFT)
You’re banned from this hotel for life!

RANDY
Jesus, Margie, it wasn’t….

Margie covers her ears with her hands.

MARGIE (Shouting)
Not a word; not a bloody word!   There is absolutely nothing you could say that could make up for this.   As far as I’m concerned, I never want to see you again!

She hurries off stage to the left.   Mrs. T walks slowly over to Randy.

MRS. T
Oh Randolph!   How could you?

RANDY
Oh Mum, it wasn’t my fault; I….

MRS. T
Don’t say a word RANDY!   I don’t want to talk about it.   What you did was inexcusable.

Mrs. T walks off stage to the left, followed by Randy.

The left hand section is darkened and the right hand section is lit up.

After a few moments Mrs. T walks onto stage, followed by Randy and June, then Dwight.

Mrs. T starts walking toward the back of the stage.

RANDY
But, mum, it wasn’t my fault.

MRS. T
Not a word, Randolph!

Mrs. T walks off the back of the stage.

JUNE
Don’t worry Randy, we’ll manage to convince her eventually that it wasn’t your fault.
(Half a beat)
But I think you’d better start looking around for another hotel to drink in.   And as for you and Margie, I don’t think you’d better announce any wedding plans for quite a while yet.

Randy puts his left arm around June.

RANDY
Oh well, it looks like it’s just you and me now June honey.

JUNE (Breaking away from RANDY)
I’m sorry Randy, but don’t go making any long term plans about you and me.   I only agreed to go out with you on a one date basis.

RANDY
Oh well, it looks like it’s back to me and Greta Garbo….
(Half a beat)
And just when I was getting used to real women too.

JUNE
Look, I’d be happy to keep going out with you on a strictly one date basis….
(A beat)
Just don’t go planning anything more definite for a while yet.   I don’t like to be rushed.

Randy goes over to Dwight, puts an arm around Dwight.

RANDY
Oh well, it looks like it’s just you and me now, Dwight honey….

DWIGHT (Pulling away)
Sorry, I’m not that kinda guy.

RANDY
Oh damn, I just can’t win, can I?

June and Dwight laugh for a moment.

JUNE
Well I suppose I should be getting home.

RANDY
I’ll walk you home.

DWIGHT
I’ll come along too.

RANDY
Well I don’t want to seem rude mate, but you know what they say: two’s company, so why don’t you get lost!

DWIGHT
That’s not how it goes.   It’s two’s company; three’s a threesome; four’s a foursome; five’s a gruesome, and six is an orgy!

June walks off stage to the right.   Randy starts to walk after her but Dwight grabs him by one arm.

DWIGHT
I want to thank you for standing up for me tonight, Randy.

RANDY
That’s all right, mate, no problems.   All it did was lose me two girlfriends; get me banned for life from the nearest hotel, and make my mother refuse to ever talk to me again.
(Half a beat)
But don’t let it worry you; I’m used to that sort of thing; I’m a born martyr.

OFF STAGE: (FROM THE RIGHT)

JUNE
Are you coming, RANDY?

END OF OFF:

RANDY (Shouting)
Just the sound of your voice is enough to make me come, June baby.

Randy walks off stage to the right, as Dwight, walks off the back of the stage, and the curtain slowly closes.

END OF SCENE TWO:

ACT TWO:

SCENE THREE:

THE TIME: November 22, 1942.   In the evening.

THE SETTING: The same as in Act 2, Scene 2.

As the scene begins, the left hand section is in darkness, and the right hand section is lit up.

Randy is sitting on the left hand side of the couch, reading a novel.   Dwight, in uniform, is sitting in the armchair on the right hand side.

DWIGHT
You know, I feel really rotten about this.

RANDY
About what?

DWIGHT
About going to the U.S. Club, after the trouble Bill Williams caused you at the Services Ball.

RANDY
Why should you feel bad about that?   That wasn’t your fault.

DWIGHT
Well it….
(Half a beat)
It was by default I guess.

RANDY
Why because you introduced us?   You couldn’t have known we were old sparring partners?

DWIGHT
No I guess not.
(SIGHING)
But even apart from that I guess I’m sort of guilty by association.

RANDY
Why?   Because you’re a Yankee?

DWIGHT
Well you always say that the only good American is a dead American.
(Half a beat)
And even some of those are a bit suspect.

RANDY (Between laughter)
Yes, I do.   But you know I’m only joking when I say that, don’t you?   In reality not all you Yankees are as bad as Bill Williams.
(A beat)
Only most of you.   There are bound to be at least one or two blokes down at the U.S. Club who will be almost human.

Dwight laughs.

DWIGHT (Hesitantly)
Still I….

RANDY
Besides, things didn’t go too badly for me after all.   Mum started talking to me again two days ago.   Margie reduced my ban at the hotel from life to only ninety-nine years.   And despite saying that she wanted to keep things casual, June and I have been seeing each other every evening since the ball.   So whatever you did for me at the ball has definitely worked out for the best.
(Half a beat)
I had six days of blissful silence from Mum.   Managed to dump Margie, and get off to a good start with Junie.

DWIGHT
Yeah, but still!

RANDY
Besides the old girl has said that you’re going to the Yankee club to meet your fellow countrymen, and if you dare to go against her ruling, you’ll never hear the last of it.
(SHAKING HIS HEAD)
I doubt if you’d be blessed with six days of glorious silence like I was….
(A beat)
Besides, look at it this way.   None of the rest of us can stomach you Yanks.   So if you can’t get along with each other, you’re really outta luck.

DWIGHT (Considering a moment)
You don’t mind being given the bum’s rush by Margie, on my account?

RANDY
Why should I?   Margie was always a frigid bitch anyway.   I’m getting along much better with June already.

DWIGHT
I’ve got to hand it to you.   You don’t seem to have any trouble picking up women.   I wish I could do half as well.

RANDY
Don’t worry, once you get to the Yank Club, your countrymen will soon give you a crash course in making points with Aussie women.   You already know the first rule.

DWIGHT (Puzzled)
What do you mean?

RANDY
Well I notice that you always wear your uniform whenever you go out.

DWIGHT
That’s all I’ve got to wear; this and another uniform.

RANDY
Didn’t you bring any civvies over with you?

DWIGHT
Well no.   I kind of left home in a hurry when I enlisted.   And the civvies I wore down to enlist weren’t worth bringing over to Australia.

RANDY
Don’t worry.   You don’t need them anyway….

An American in civvies doesn’t get much further with Aussie women than an Aussie man does.
(Half a beat)
It’s the uniform that attracts the Charlies; not the man inside it.

DWIGHT
Thanks a lot!   You make me feel like a real man when you say that!

RANDY
Yes but where are we gonna find one at this hour?
(BETWEEN LAUGHTER)
I know just how you feel.   But that’s the way it goes.   Aussie women are a dead pushover for Yanks in uniform.
(A beat)
In fact, come to think of it Aussie women are a dead pushover for Yanks, full stop.
(Half a beat)
You lot get paid a proper wage while our soldiers are only given pocket money; their salary being the honour of fighting and dying for their country.   Or for England in the case of this war.   So natch the Aussie Charlies are able to work out that the blokes in the Yankee get ups are the blokes with spending power.   So just stick with that uniform, and you’ll soon be making points with the Charlie Wheelers.

DWIGHT
If you say so.

RANDY
I do say so….
(Half a beat)
So.   See I said so.

DWIGHT (Shaking head)
There is something very odd about you….
(A beat)
But I can’t quite work out what it is.   Your jokes are so sick.

RANDY (In mock anger)
How dare you call them jokes!

DWIGHT
Ain’t it the truth though.

Dwight & Randy both laugh.

Mrs. T walks onto stage from the left, carrying her knitting bag.   She walks over to the second armchair, sits and takes out her knitting, putting the bag on the floor near his chair.

MRS. T (To DWIGHT)
All ready to go, love?

DWIGHT
Yeah, but I still don’t know about this….

MRS. T
What do you mean, love?

DWIGHT
I still don’t like going to the U.S. Club after the trouble this guy Williams caused Randy at the hotel.

MRS. T
Don’t worry, Randy has caused more than his fair share of trouble with GIs in his time….

DWIGHT
Yeah but…?

MRS. T
And even if this Williams character really did start the brawl last week, Randy should never have egged him into fighting the time before that.

DWIGHT
Maybe; maybe not.

MRS. T
There’s no maybe about it!

DWIGHT
Well all right.   But I still don’t like accepting Williams’ invitation.

MRS. T
You aren’t.   There’s no rule to say that you have to be invited along to the U.S. Club; only that you have to be an American.

DWIGHT
Yeah, I guess so.

MRS. T
So if you don’t want to accept Williams’ invitation, don’t.   Go on your own initiative.   You’re an American so you can go to the U.S. Club whenever you like.

RANDY
As long as it’s open that is.   They frown on people breaking in when they’re closed.

Dwight laughs, but Mrs. T gives Randy a hard look..

DWIGHT (Standing)
Well if I’m going, I suppose I’d better be going.

RANDY
That makes sense, no matter what anyone might say.

MRS. T (To DWIGHT)
All right, love.   There’s no need for me to tell you not to start any trouble there….
(To RANDY)
I wish I could say the same for certain other people.

Dwight walks off stage to the right.

Mrs. T starts knitting.

MRS. T (To RANDY)
It is about time Dwight went out by himself and met some of his own countrymen.

RANDY
I couldn’t agree with you more.

MRS. T (Shocked)
Well this makes a pleasant change of heart….I suppose it would be too much to hope that you might feel sorry for the trouble you caused poor MARGIE?

RANDY
Poor MARGIE?   That bitch wouldn’t let me try to explain to her that I went out of my way not to fight with that Yankee bastard, WILLIAMS!

MRS. T (Incredulously)
Oh RANDY!   How could you expect her to believe something like that.   After the way you’ve been in dish ups with virtually every American to pass through Brisbane in the last year?

RANDY
Come on!   That’s a bit of an exaggeration isn’t it?   There have been almost half a million Yanks pass through Brisbane this year.   Even I couldn’t possibly have had box-ups with all of them….
(Half a beat)
Half of them maybe; but certainly not all of them.

MRS. T (Between laughter)
All right then, so you’ve only had set-tos with half of them.   But even so, how do you expect Margie to believe that it wasn’t your fault this time, after all the brawling that you do with the Americans?

RANDY
Well Dwight backed me up on it.

MRS. T
Oh yes of course he did.   Dwight looks up to you as a kind of foster big brother.   Part of the reason I wanted him to get out and meet his own people, was the way he follows you around like a lost puppy.   Of course he vouched for everything you said.   If you said you were God he’d back you up on it.

RANDY (Puzzled)
But I am God, aren’t I?
(A beat)
All right, what about JUNE?   Isn’t her word good enough for you?

MRS. T
Well let’s face it, June is your latest girl!

RANDY (Hesitantly)
She’s, she’s much more than just that, mum.

MRS. T
You don’t mean…?

RANDY
Well don’t go knitting any baby boots yet.   But let’s just say that she means a hell of a lot more to me than that Yankee-loving bitch, Margie, ever did.

KNOCKING ON DOOR, off stage to the right.

Mrs. T puts down her knitting and stands up.

MRS. T
Now I wonder who that could be?

RANDY
Don’t ask me.   A psycho I may be; but psychic never.   Whoever it is, it won’t be anyone for me.

Mrs. T walks off stage to the right.   Randy stands, and walks off stage to the left.

Mrs. T returns, followed by June, just as Randy walks back onto stage carrying an opened bottle of beer and three glasses which he puts on the coffee table.

MRS. T
RANDY?   June is here to see you.

RANDY
See I told you it would be someone for me.

MRS. T
What?   You said….

RANDY
Now, now, don’t go telling tales.

Mrs. T walks over to her chair, sits and picks up her knitting again.

RANDY (To JUNE)
Hey what is this anyway?   I’ve heard of emancipation; but isn’t it going a bit too far when the Charlies start picking up the blokes?

June laughs and goes over to sit on the couch.

JUNE
I was let off work a little early, so I thought I’d drop in here and save you a walk.

RANDY (To Mrs. T)
She’s probably noticed the sleek, lean look I’ve started to acquire.   So she decided that I didn’t need any more exercise.

MRS. T
More likely she decided that with all the  beer you’ve been putting away lately you probably wouldn’t have survived the walk.

RANDY (In mock anger)
Nonsense, I could walk inches before having my next heart attack.
(To JUNE)
Well if we’re going to the flicks you can get my coat.   It’s in the hall cupboard.

June stands.

MRS. T
Don’t be in such a hurry to rush off, Randy   The girl has just arrived; give her time to rest her feet.

MRS. T
You still have plenty of time to get to the theatre.   Why don’t you pour out that beer and.   We can have a cool drink, and a little chat.   I haven’t had a chance to have a chat with June yet.

RANDY
Oh God, here comes the big interrogation session.
(To JUNE)
And you thought the Jews had it bad in the concentration camps.

MRS. T (Angrily)
Randolph!

RANDY (To JUNE)
But you don’t have to answer any questions about your religion, unless you really want to.

Randy starts pouring the three glasses of beer.

JUNE
What?

MRS. T
Just ignore him, love.   Everyone does.

Randy hands Mrs. T a glass of beer then takes the other two glasses over to the couch.   He hands one glass to June and sits beside her, putting his left arm around her.

Mrs. T takes a sip of her beer.

MRS. T (To JUNE)
Randy tells me that you work in a dress shop?

JUNE
Er, no in a beauty salon actually.

MRS. T
Is it very interesting work?

JUNE
Not really.   Most of the women we get into the salon these days are so far past any pretence of beauty, that about all that we can do for them is trowel on an inch or so of powder then pour treacle over the top.

RANDY (Between laughter)
Then set fire to it.

JUNE (Between laughter)
We don’t go quite that far, but it is sometimes very tempting.

MRS. T
Do you still live at home with your parents, JUNE?

JUNE
No I share a house with two of the girls whom I work with.   I used to live at home before the war broke out.   But nowadays the transport is so unreliable and my parents live right across town.   Whereas the house we rent is right across the road from the salon.

MRS. T
Oh that’s handy.

RANDY
It would be more handy if it was right across the road from the saloon.   Then she could stop in for a drink whenever she felt like one.

MRS. T
Oh RANDY!   Don’t you ever think of anything else besides drinking?

RANDY
Yes, quite often.
(Half a beat)
But I don’t want to mention what, in case I embarrass June.

JUNE (Between laughter)
When has that ever stopped you before?

RANDY
That’s a good point.

Mrs. T takes a sip of her beer.

MRS. T
Did you follow your mother into the trade?

JUNE (Puzzled)
I beg your pardon?

MRS. T
Was your mother also a salon girl?

RANDY
Is that anything like a saloon girl?

JUNE
Oh RANDY!
(To Mrs. T)
No my mother is a devout housewife.   She was employed for a few years before she was married.   But I don’t know what as.

MRS. T
And your father?

JUNE
Oh dad works as an advertising man for the Australian Labor Party.

MRS. T
Then you’re a Labor-voter.

RANDY (To JUNE)
Think carefully before you answer.   This is a very important one.

MRS. T (Angrily)
Randolph!

JUNE (Uncertain)
Er, well….

RANDY
You don’t have to answer that without having an attorney present; but I’ll give you a clue: Mum voted for Curtin.

JUNE (Nodding)
Oh, well in that case yes I am.

RANDY
Personally I voted for blinds, but we couldn’t afford them.

MRS. T
RANDY!   There’s no need to be rude about Mr Curtin.   Isn’t there anything you look up to enough not to ridicule?

RANDY (Scratching his chin)
Ummm well now, let me see….
(SHAKING HIS HEAD)
No; nothing I can think of off hand.

Randy and June sip the beer and Mrs. T gives Randy a hard look, then sips her own beer for a moment while thinking up the next question.

MRS. T
Have you been working long at the salon, dear?

JUNE
For five years.

RANDY
For the five years before that she worked in a saloon.

MRS. T
Oh for Christ’s sake RANDY!   Will you please shut up about those bloody silly saloon girl jokes?

RANDY
But I think they’re funny.

MRS. T
Ridiculous more like it!

RANDY (To JUNE)
No one likes my jokes any more.

JUNE
You’re right, absolutely no one.
(To Mrs. T)
I started in the salon shortly after my seventeenth birthday.

MRS. T
What did you do for a living before that, love?

RANDY
No that was only a hobby.

MRS. T
Randolph!

June laughs.

JUNE
I went into the salon straight from school.

MRS. T (Shocked)
You stayed on at school, until you were seventeen?

JUNE
Yes, I thought it was best to get at least fifth form education.
(Half a beat)
Just in case I ever needed it.

MRS. T
Personally, I don’t think that a girl should stay at school beyond the age of fourteen.   Leave it to the men to get the education.   They’ the ones who will have to be the breadwinners; a woman’s place is in the home, producing a family.

RANDY
That’s what I keep telling her, but for the last eight nights she’s been giving me this bloody line about a headache.

JUNE
RANDY!

RANDY
I sure am, but it hasn’t been getting me anywhere lately.

JUNE
Is that why you’ve been having all those eyesight problems lately?

RANDY
No that’s only a rumour….
(WAVING HIS HANDS IN THE AIR)
June, June where are you!

JUNE
That’s as good an excuse as any for copping a feel.

RANDY
Oh that’s right I’ve tried that one on you before.

MRS. T
Oh RANDY!   There’s no need to embarrass the poor girl….
(To JUNE)
Do you look at yourself as a career girl, love?   Or are you just tiding yourself over until the right man comes along?

RANDY
All right, who’s this Mr-bloody-Right cutting in on my territory?   As if it’s not bad enough the Yanks pinching all our sheilas.

Mrs. T and June both give Randy a dirty look.

RANDY
And when I say ‘pinching’ I mean ‘pinching’, not ‘stealing’.

MRS. T
Don’t be an idiot, Randy.

JUNE
That’s asking the impossible, Mrs. T.
(A beat)
I suppose that all women want to settle down and raise a family eventually.   But there’s still plenty of time for that yet.   I’m only in my early twenties.

MRS. T
Perhaps, love, but it’s never too soon to start.

RANDY (To JUNE)
I agree, so what do you say about getting right down to it straight after the movie tonight?

MRS. T
Randolph!

JUNE (To RANDY)
I think that your mother was referring to getting married first.

RANDY
That’s only a triviality.   The main thing is the making babies, and there’s absolutely no reason why we can’t get down to that part right away….
(Half a beat)
If the worst came to the worst, we’d still have the better part of nine months to tie the knot, to stop the little beggar from being born a bastard.

June laughs, but Mrs. T glares at Randy.

RANDY
Ask her what religion she is, Mum.   She refused to tell me, even after I told her that I’m a Mormon.   But I think she twigged that it’s only because I like the idea of having my own private harem.
(To JUNE)
After all with eighteen wives, there should be no way they could all have a headache on any single night.
(A beat)
On the other hand think of all the mother-in-laws.

June laughs for a moment.

JUNE
I could just imagine you with your own harem.   Eighteen giggling Wendy Heinzes.

Randy throws his arms up into the air and lets out a mock scream.

RANDY
You’re trying to turn my dream into a nightmare.
(A beat)
Mock me all you like, but don’t you dare mock my dream of owning my own harem.

MRS. T
Oh come on RANDY!   This Wendy Heinz can’t be that bad.

JUNE
Picture a brick wall shaped like a woman.

RANDY
A great body, but….

He taps his temple with one finger.

RANDY
Not so great up top.

They sip their beer for a moment.

MRS. T
Do you have any brothers and sisters, JUNE?

RANDY
Two brothers; no sister.

MRS. T
How do you know?

RANDY
Because God told me…
(To JUNE)
Or am I Just hearing voices….
(Half a beat)
Again?

They laugh for a moment.

RANDY
Actually I asked her.   I was mainly interested in the sisters; to see about fixing Dwight up with one of them, of course.

JUNE
Oh of course, why else would you have been interested?   Unless perhaps you thought you could put together your harem all from the one family?

RANDY
Now how can you say that?   You know I always have the purest of intentions.

JUNE
Really?   Then what keeps going wrong?

RANDY (Between laughter)
Ver-ry funny.

MRS. T (To JUNE)
Are your brothers both overseas?

JUNE (Puzzled)
What?
(A beat)
Oh you mean in the war?

RANDY
No she meant are they taking a sight-seeing tour across Europe and Russia at the moment.

JUNE
Ha, ha, very droll….
(To Mrs. T)
My eldest brother, Stephen, is in the R.A.A.F., as a Flight Lieutenant in a fighter squadron.   My younger brother, Kevin, has just turned eighteen.   But isn’t likely to be called up, as he works in a munitions factory.

RANDY
A protected specimen, eh?

JUNE
It’s a wonder that you haven’t been called up yet, Randy?

RANDY
Don’t give me any of that, I flipped for it and won the right not to be called up.

JUNE
That doesn’t mean much though.   Two of my cousins flipped for it too.   The one who lost went along to enlist, and failed the medical.   A week later the one who won the toss was drafted and was sent overseas.

RANDY
I’ve been called some pretty disgusting things in my time, but never up yet.   Although I’ve been told ‘up yours’ a few times.

MRS. T
Don’t worry, love, with that pot-belly you’d never pass the medical.

RANDY (Indignant)
What pot-belly?   Personally, I think I’m a fine figure of a man.   There’s no way that I’ll ever develop a pot-belly!   Throwing around crates in the factory all day burns off any calories that I drink!

JUNE
You must throw around an awful lot of crates!

RANDY
Ver-ry funny.

JUNE
I’m glad you thought so.

RANDY
Actually I didn’t.

Randy finishes his beer, stands and walks over to place his empty glass on the coffee tables then returns to his seat.

MRS. T
I suppose you’ll be wanting a big family, when you marry, dear?

JUNE
Well I could always marry Randy, then I’d already have a big family.

Mrs. T and June laugh, but Randy looks annoyed.

RANDY
All right already, let’s knock off the pot-belly jokes and try to have a bit of decorum for a change.

MRS. T
I see.   So the joker can’t handle it when the jokes on the other foot for a change.

JUNE (To Mrs. T)
I think we’ve at last found a subject that he doesn’t like joking about.

RANDY
It’s not that at all.
(Half a beat)
It’s just that I don’t like to see you both making fools out of yourselves.

MRS. T
That has never worried you before.

RANDY
Would it help if I begged for mercy?

JUNE
Not really, but it couldn’t hurt.

RANDY
I don’t know.
(SHAKING HIS HEAD)
A man isn’t even free from ridicule in his own house.

MRS. T
It’s not your house, RANDY; it’s my house.

RANDY (Shaking head)
I don’t know, a man isn’t even free from ridicule in his own mother’s own house.
(To Mrs. T)
Why don’t you ask her the one about, ‘Where do babies come from?’

MRS. T (Angrily)
Randy!

JUNE
Well I suppose we’d better be leaving now, or else we’ll have to sit in the back row at the pictures.

RANDY (Grinning)
That’s all right with me.

JUNE
Well personally I intended to sit in the front row.

RANDY
Spoil sport.

JUNE
Although you can sit at the back, if you don’t mind going blind by yourself.

RANDY
I don’t know, everyone picks on me these days.

JUNE
Oh you poor boy.

She finishes her beer, takes the glass over and puts it beside Randy’s on the coffee table.

JUNE
Well, we really had better be going.

RANDY (Standing)
Yes we’ll see you later, Mum.

MRS. T
See you later Randy   See you later June, love.

June and Randy walk off stage to the right together, as the curtain closes.

END OF ACT TWO:

ACT THREE:

THE TIME: Saturday, November 28, 1942   In the morning.

Uses a multiple setting.

The left hand section is the street outside the Brisbane U.S. Club and is bare of furnishing.

The right hand section is set out the same as in Acts One and Two.

As the Act begins, the left hand section is in darkness, and the right hand section is lit up.

Mrs. T is sitting in the armchair on the left, nursing a cup of tea and a saucer.   As is June, sitting on the right hand end of the couch.   In the middle of the couch sits Randy, holding a half empty glass of beer in his right hand.   On the coffee table there is a tray holding a teapot and a plate of sweet biscuits, as well as an empty beer bottle.

MRS. T (To RANDY)
Were you and June planning anything special for over the weekend, Randy?

RANDY
Well, I was, but June is still holding out on me.

MRS. T (Between laughter)
Oh Randy!   You’ll embarrass the poor girl.

JUNE
Don’t worry Mrs. T, nothing embarrasses me any longer.   I’ve been going with Randy for more than two whole weeks now.
(To RANDY)
I’ve told you, I’m not doing any of that sort of thing with any man until I’m married to him.

Randy places his beer glass on the floor beside the couch, then gets down on one knee in the classical proposing stance in front of June.

RANDY
All right then, will you marry me?

JUNE
Oh get up off the floor, and stop acting the fool.

MRS. T
Believe me, he’s not acting.

RANDY (To JUNE)
Come on now, this is a serious proposal.

JUNE
Oh Randy for Christ’s sake, you’re making a fool of yourself.
(Half a beat)
And more importantly, you’re embarrassing me in front of your mother!

RANDY
Then say yes, and I’ll get up off the floor.

JUNE
If I thought you were serious, I might say yes.

RANDY
Would it make any difference if I agreed to borrow Dwight’s uniform to get married in?

JUNE
This is not the time for American uniform jokes.

RANDY
All right then, I’m sorry.   Now will you marry me?

JUNE (Uncertainly)
Are you being serious?

RANDY (MOCK GERMAN ACCENT)
I’ll ask the questions here, fräulein!
(NORMALLY)
Now will you marry me?

JUNE
If I only knew you were being serious!

RANDY
Would I be making a fool of myself this way, in front of my own mother, if I wasn’t serious?

JUNE
It’s never stopped you before.

RANDY (To Mrs. T)
That’s true.   She’s got a good point there.
(To JUNE)
But this time I’m dead serious.   Now will you marry me?

JUNE (Shouting)
Yes!
(Half a beat)
Now get up and stop making a fool of yourself.

RANDY
A man has to make a fool out of himself when he proposes, it’s written in the scriptures: “man shalt looketh liketh a bloody fooleth whilst proposingeth.”
(To Mrs. T)
I’m buggered if I know why Shakespeare had to use that bloody stupid language when he wrote the bible.

Randy stands and sits next to June, clasping her to him as she laughs, causing her to almost spill her tea over him.

RANDY
That was in 1492, the year that he discovered America.   Sometimes known as the Chosen Race.  Though God only knows chosen by whom, or for what?   It’s also why to this very day everyone hates Shakespeare’s guts!   Prior to that he was known as Mr Wonderful.

MRS. T (Annoyed)
Oh Randy, isn’t even the bible sacred to you?

RANDY (Shaking head)
No.

JUNE (To RANDY)
Watch out, or you’ll end up with hot tea all over you!

RANDY
Then put it down on the floor.

JUNE
But I haven’t finished drinking it yet.

RANDY
Too bad, there’s another scripture that clearly says: “a man-eth shalt be entitled-eth to feel up-eth his fiancé-eth, after he has just made a bloody fooleth of himself by proposing-eth”.

June drinks the last of her tea and places the cup and saucer on the ground.

June and Randy kiss and cuddle for a few moments, while Mrs. T looks away, pretending to be drinking her tea.

After a few moments Dwight walks onto stage from the left, clutching his head and groaning.

Mrs. T finishes her tea, carries her cup to the table, then returns to her seat.

DWIGHT
Feels like a tank ran over my head while I was sleeping.

RANDY
A tank of beer, I’d say, by the state you were in last night, mate.

MRS. T
Yes DWIGHT!   I’m surprised and shocked at your behaviour.
(Half a beat)
I mean I’m used to them having to carry Randy home from the pub; but I expected better from you.

RANDY (To JUNE)
I think I’ve just been insulted.
(To DWIGHT)
Yes, just when we were getting used to calling you the orange-juice-kid, you have to go and start acting like a man for a change.

MRS. T
There’s nothing mannish about it Randy   Childish is more like it.

Dwight staggers over and slumps onto the couch next to Randy.

RANDY
Don’t take any of that from her, mate.   Just plead the eighteenth amendment.

DWIGHT (Clutching head)
But the eighteenth amendment was prohibition.

RANDY
Oh, well perhaps you’d better not plead that one.

Randy, June and Dwight laugh for a moment.

MRS. T (To DWIGHT)
I thought you were a teetotaller, love.

DWIGHT
I thought I was a teetotaller, too.   But then I wasn’t allowing for the fact that there would be so much pressure on me to have a few social drinks at the U.S. Club.
(Half a beat)
Randy is right, American servicemen are not known as great orange juice drinkers.

MRS. T
Yes, I have to admit that is one fault that I have noticed about your boys since you came to Brisbane….
(Half a beat)
Americans seem to be almost as big guzzlers as Australian men are.

RANDY
Only one?   Christ!   I could think of a few more faults than that in the bastards!   Let’s see….
(COUNTING ON HIS FINGERS)
They go around stealing all our Charlies.   They get first service in the pubs.   They go about flashing their cash around to make the rest of us look small….

Mrs. T turns to glare at Randy, who shuts up.

MRS. T (To DWIGHT)
So I suppose that you won’t be going back there again, love?   To the U.S. Club!

DWIGHT (Sighing)
I suppose not.   Although I did sort of promise two guys last night that I’d go back again today.

MRS. T
Then if you promised, I suppose you must.

RANDY (To DWIGHT)
Don’t worry mate, the more you drink, the less you tend to notice the hangovers.   You’ll soon be able to guzzle away to your heart’s content.

MRS. T
RANDY!   That’s hardly something to be boasting about!

JUNE
That’s right!   There’s no need to encourage him into bad habits.

RANDY
The main thing is never tell drinking jokes in front of women.   They’ve got no sense of humour at all.
(To JUNE)
I don’t know….
(SHAKING HIS HEAD)
We’re not even married yet and you’re nagging me already.

JUNE
That’s the price you pay for being able to get a bit of how’s-your-father whenever you want it.

RANDY
That’s right is it?

JUNE
That’s the way it goes.   Marriage gives men the right to get a bit whenever they like, in exchange for the wife being able to nag as much as she likes.

DWIGHT (Puzzled)
Am I going crazy, or did I miss part of the conversation or what?

RANDY
A little bit of both actually.

MRS. T
Oh yes that’s right dear, you haven’t heard yet.   Randy and June have just got engaged.   Poor girl.

JUNE
That is if he was serious.

RANDY
Of course I was being serious.   Would I make a bloody fool out of myself if I wasn’t being serious?

DWIGHT
I’ll have to think about that comment.

JUNE
Yes, it’s never stopped you before!

RANDY
Maybe not, but I’d never joke about my own marriage.   I’d joke about his marriage….
(POINTING AT DWIGHT)
Or her marriage
(POINTING AT MRS T)
But not about my own.

DWIGHT
Then congratulations, pal.
(HE TURNS TOWARD Randy AND SHAKES HANDS)
And commiserations June.

He holds out his hand to shake with her, but she pulls him across Randy, to give him a kiss on the cheek.

RANDY (Shaking head)
I don’t know, this must be the night of the long knives, Brutus.   And after all I’ve done to you too….
(Half a beat)
Er, for you, down the last month.
(A beat)
What is this anyway, ‘Get Randy week’ or something?

JUNE (Between laughter)
No.   ‘Get Randy century’!

RANDY
Oh great, that’s much better.

They all laugh for a moment.

DWIGHT
How soon before you tie the knot?

RANDY
We’re going to have a two year trial marriage first, to make certain that we’re compatible, before making it legal….

JUNE
Oh no we’re not!   No man gets into my bed until he’s legally married to me!

RANDY
Oh well, in that case we’ve getting hitched some time this afternoon.
(To DWIGHT)
So you’d better get back from the Yankee Club fairly sober this time; as you’re the beat man….
(To JUNE)
That’s another good reason to have it this afternoon while he’s still only an apprentice-Yank.   He can’t be best man once he graduates to being a total cunt.

June and Dwight laugh, but Mrs. T is offended.

MRS. T
Oh Randolph!   Don’t be so crude!

RANDY
And that could be only a matter of days now, if he keeps frequenting the Yankee Club.
(To JUNE)
Personally, I think they should club all Yankees.
(Half a beat)
Might knock some brains into theme

JUNE
Personally I think it would be best to wait until after the war.

RANDY
To club the Yankees?

JUNE
No; to get married.

RANDY
What?   But the war could last another ten years!
(Half a beat)
No way am I waiting that long to get a bit of….

MRS. T
Randolph!

RANDY
Er, that is….
(Half a beat)
To start a family.

Dwight laughs, then groans again, rubs his head with both hands.

DWIGHT
I wish I hadn’t promised to go to the U.S. Club today.

RANDY
Don’t worry, mate, with that uniform, you’ll be able to hitch a ride in a taxi there and back again after you’ve had a few hairs-of-the-dog to set you right.

JUNE
Why don’t you offer to see him down there, RANDY?

MRS. T
No thanks June love.   The last thing we need is Randy going down to the U.S. Club and starting trouble with the GIs.

RANDY
But I’m not the one to blame for that!

DWIGHT
He’s right, Mrs. T.

RANDY
See even Dwight admits it’s the Yankees who start the fights with me.

DWIGHT
It isn’t just with you, Randy   From what I’ve seen since being here, Brisbane, is on the brink of a war between the U.S. and Aussie servicemen.

MRS. T (Shaking head)
A war between two allies?

RANDY
No, between us and the Yanks.

MRS. T
Don’t be silly love; it could never happen!

DWIGHT
I wish I had your confidence Mrs. T.   But everywhere you go in Queensland these days you see brawls between Aussies and Americans.

MRS. T
But that’s silly.

DWIGHT
That doesn’t alter the fact that it is happening.

MRS. T (Shaking head)
But why?   How?

DWIGHT
I suppose mainly because there were just too many GIs brought into Queensland at the same time.

RANDY
I certainly won’t argue with that.

DWIGHT
There is only a little over one million Australians in the whole of Queensland, while there has been almost half that many Americans pass just through the inner suburban area….
(Half a beat)
Imagine upping the population of any place in the world by 50% virtually overnight.   Of course, it has caused chaos  as the high command in both countries should have realised in advance that it would.

He groans again, reaches up and rubs his head.

JUNE
Yes, we see your point.

RANDY
Still if the bloody Yanks didn’t all act as though they owned the place, it wouldn’t be nearly so bad as it is.

DWIGHT
But it isn’t the GIs who are to blame.

RANDY
Oh come off it; I suppose our blokes are responsible for it all?

DWIGHT
No, it isn’t their fault either.

JUNE (Angrily)
Well you’d better not  be blaming it all onto the Aussie sheilas!   Or I’ll take back that kiss I gave you.

DWIGHT
How could you do that?

RANDY
She’ll take out her flick knife and cut off your cheek, where she kissed you.

DWIGHT (Rubbing his cheek)
No, no, I wasn’t going to blame them either.

RANDY (Puzzled)
Well I’d like to see you provide a solution now; you’ve just ruled out all the suspects.

JUNE
Yes if it’s not the GIs, the Aussie soldier, or the sheilas, just who the hell is responsible?

RANDY
This is getting more and more like a radio who-dunnit where the detective says to the audience, ‘I’ll bet you know who dunnit?’ and we’re all shaking our heads, saying, ‘Nab, nah, we haven’t a bloody clue!’ but despite that we end up sitting on the edges of our chairs through fifteen minutes of Bex ads. before he comes back to tell us who dunnit.

MRS. T
Well if you can keep quiet long enough for Dwight to get a word in, Randy, he might tell us who dunnit!

DWIGHT
The U.S. MPs.

RANDY
The U.S. Ministers of Parliament?

JUNE (Shaking head)
Military Police.

RANDY
Oh!
(To DWIGHT)
But hang on a minute; they’re part of the Yankee army!

DWIGHT
Well they are and they aren’t.   If you know what I mean.

Randy, June, & Mrs. T all look puzzled.

JUNE/MRS T/RANDY
No we don’t.

DWIGHT
Well I mean that the MPs are a part of the military, but they’re also related to the civilian police, which is where they get their violence from.   My country has always had a sadistic approach to law enforcement; both civilian and military.   Sort of like in England two hundred years ago when they would hang people for stealing a loaf of bread.

RANDY
Or worse still deport them to Australia.
(HE PRONOUNCES IT “HORSE-TRALIA”)
That’s where all the horsies come from.

MRS. T
Oh Randolph!

DWIGHT
Well anyway, that’s about where the American mentality is with crime and punishment.

RANDY
Fair enough.   Criminals don’t deserve any rights!

MRS. T
A what, love?

DWIGHT
An atom bomb.

RANDY
What the hell is that?

DWIGHT
At the moment, nothing.   But since at least the 1920s, the theory has existed for a bomb that could create explosions equivalent to hundreds or even thousands of tons of TNT, using only small bombs using nuclear fission.

RANDY
Using what?

DWIGHT
Nuclear fission.

MRS. T
What is that, love?

RANDY
Well basically you get yourself a nuclear fission-rod, go down to the nuclear fission hole, and catch yourself some nuclear Murray cod.

MRS. T
Shut up, Randolph!

JUNE
Just ignore him, Mrs. T.   Everyone does.

DWIGHT
Basically it means creating a chemical chain reaction in the centre of the atoms so that the neutrons are emitted in a burst of tremendous heat, explosions and radiation.

MRS. T
You mean like X-rays, love?

DWIGHT
Kind of, only on a billion times that scale….
(Half a beat)
It is theoretically possible to blow up a whole city, or perhaps even a whole continent, using an atom bomb no larger than a basketball.

IN UNISON:

MRS. T
What?   Oh come on now!

JUNE
Is that meant to be a joke or something?

RANDY
Are you sure you haven’t had a drink yet, this morning?

END OF UNISON:

Dwight waves his hands around to silence them.

DWIGHT
No, no it’s the truth….
(Half a beat)
The great danger with such a bomb is that the nuclear chain reaction might be never ending; just going on and on until a single bomb has blown up the whole world, or even the whole universe.

RANDY
Sorry Mr Wells, but it all sounds like science fiction to me.

DWIGHT
Yea, I guess it does at the moment, because the theory is still way ahead of the reality.   But that’s how most scientific discoveries come about these days.   The writers invent something, which the scientists scoff at for twenty or forty years, before finally acknowledging it and stealing the glory for themselves.

RANDY
Sounds like the way the Pommies fight their wars.   The Aussies and Kiwis take the risks and the Pommies get the glory.

MRS. T
Oh Randolph!

DWIGHT
So there’s almost no chance of an atom bomb being built before the end of this war.   However, it should be ready for use by the start of the next war….
(Half a beat)
If there is a next war.

MRS. T
If it’s as terrible a weapon as you say it is then I certainly hope it is never used.

JUNE
But if it can save allied lives….?

MRS. T
No!   Nothing could justify the use of such a dreadful weapon….
(Half a beat)
You’re probably too young to remember, June, but there was a time when war involved such things as honour, dignity and courage!

RANDY
I don’t know about her, but I must be too young, because I sure as hell can’t remember that kind of war.   I always thought that war is hell, and in hell you’re allowed to use any dirty trick in the book.   Or if it isn’t in the book, you can write the next edition yourself!

MRS. T
Oh Randolph!

DWIGHT
But the point I was making, is that the approach the U.S.   MPs have been using, was borrowed from the Civilian police.   So whenever the MPs are called in to break up a fight, instead of just trying to separate people, they go in with their batons and guns blazing and kill first and ask questions of the next-of-kin afterwards. 

Obviously that causes resentment from the Aussies who are used to the more humane approach of their own MPs.   In turn the GIs resent the resentment of the Aussies and the Aussies resent the GIs resenting their resentment

et cetera.   There’s so much resentment and counter-resentment bouncing back and forth like a ping pong ball, that it is gradually building up so that it’s only a matter of time before we see a war within a war between the Aussies and Americans here in Brisbane.

MRS. T
But surely there could never actually be blood shed between the two countries?

DWIGHT
I hope not Mrs. T.   But that certainly seems to be the way that things are heading.

He reaches up and rubs his head with his right hand for a moment.

DWIGHT
Well if I’m going to the U.S. Club today, I suppose t had better get it over with.
(STANDING)
If I don’t return tonight, don’t send out a search party.   Just let them give me a military burial.

RANDY
Is that where they kick your corpse into the gutter, heap manure over top of it, and shout ‘Next!’?

DWIGHT (Between laughter)
Ah, I see you’ve heard of it….
(Half a beat)
Well I guess I’d better be going.

June stands and drags Randy to his feet also.

JUNE
Come on lazy-daisy, let’s walk him down there.

RANDY
Why, he’s not my girlfriend.
(To DWIGHT)
Are you?

DWIGHT
I certainly hope not.

JUNE
Come on lazy, the walk will do you good.

MRS. T
Yes, you can walk off some of that paunch.

RANDY
Oh All right.
(To DWIGHT)
Anything rather than have to listen to any more pot-belly jokes.

JUNE
We’ll see you later, Mrs. T.

MRS. T
All rights June love.   Take care of yourself Dwight….
(Half a beat)
And don’t got into any fights down there, RANDY!

RANDY
But it’s never my fault!

JUNE (Taking him by the arm)
Come on, arguing won’t got you anywhere.
(To Mrs. T)
We should be back in about half an hour.   That is unless I can talk Mr Lazy here into going for a longer walk after we drop Dwight off.

RANDY
Well, I don’t know….
(Half a beat)
It’s too long before the pubs open.

DWIGHT
You can both come into the U.S. Club, as my guests, if you like.

RANDY
Now that’s an idea.   I can have a few drinks and suss the place out at the same time.
(To JUNE)
You know what they say, ‘Know your enemy’.

JUNE
Oh Randy.

RANDY
Also, I’d be rather cruelly ironic.

JUNE (Puzzled)
How do you mean?

RANDY
Us drinking Yankee beer for a change.
(TO Dwight.
What’s it called your Yankee brew, “Snot-Wiper” or something like that?

DWIGHT
Budweiser, actually.

RANDY
Near enough.

June & Dwight both laugh.

MRS. T
No thank you Dwight, love.   We have enough trouble keeping Randy out of brawls as it is.   Without him going into the U.S. Club among all those Americans.

DWIGHT (To Mrs. T)
All right, we’ll see you later.

MRS. T
Yes, see you later love.

The three of them walk off stage to the right.

The right hand section is darkened, and the left hand section is lit up.

After a few moments, June and Randy walk onto stage, followed by Dwight.   They all walk into approximately the centre of the stage.

RANDY (Looking to the LEFT)
Well this looks like the place.
(A beat)
Now remember be a bad boy, get stoned right out of your brain again, and try to get the phone number and address of as many Charlie Wheelers as possible.
(TO June.
I’d tell him not to do anything I wouldn’t do.   But that doesn’t really rule out very much.

JUNE (Between laughter)
Oh RANDY!

RANDY
Oh JUNE!
(To DWIGHT)
This is our ‘Oh John.   Oh Marsha!’ routine.   I think you’ve seen it before….
(Half a beat)
Oh yes, and don’t hesitate to steal sheilas away from the other blokes there.   After all they’re only….
(IN A BOGUS SOUTHERN DRAWL)
Danged Yankees.

JUNE (Between laughter)
That’s a really bright thing to say, considering that he’s a danged Yankee too.

RANDY
Yes, but he’s only an apprentice danged Yankee still.
(Half a beat)
He hasn’t learnt to be a total slimy cunt yet.

DWIGHT
Thanks….
(CONSIDERING A MOMENT)
Er, I think.

Two Aussies walk onto the back of the stage and stand talking in mumbles, as Dwight begins again to walk off stage to the left.

Williams appears onto the left of stage, with two other GIs.

WILLIAMS (TO THE GIs)
Well, here is just the asshole I was telling you about.

Williams runs across and punches Randy in the face, knocking him off his feet.

June screams and Dwight runs over to Williams, followed by the two GIs.

WILLIAMS (To RANDY)
Come on you Aussie prick, get up on your feet and fight.

The two Aussies look over at the skirmish.

AUSSIE
Hey, there are four Yanks punching up one of our blokes.

The two Aussies run over to where Williams is dragging Randy to his feet.

Dwight grabs Williams under the arms from behinds as Randy gets back to his feet.

One of the Aussies belts Dwight in the face, knocking him off his feet.   The other Aussie takes a swing at Williams, misses and is knocked off his feet by one of the GIs.

June grabs Randy by the arms.

JUNE
Come on, let’s got out of here while we can!

RANDY
Not until I fix that bastard Williams once and for all.

Randy returns to the brawl, which is now a free-for-all with everyone hitting out at everyone who gets into their range.

June goes over to Dwight, and pleads with him.

JUNE
You’ve got to get him to stop this.

DWIGHT
No he’s right.   It’s long, since time someone fixed that bastard Williams’ wagon.

He returns to the brawl, and June walks but of the way, toward the back of the stage.

After a moment, a U.S. MP runs onto stage from the left.   He takes a hand gun out of a belt holster and FIRES A SHOT INTO THE AIR.

MP (Shouting)
Stop, or I’ll shoot!

The two Aussies and one of the GIs run off stage to the right.   The others continue fighting.

The MP fires another warning shot.   They all stop fighting,
except Dwight who is holding up Williams, punching him in the face.

The MP goes down on one knee and aims his gun straight at Dwight.

JUNE (To the MP)
No, don’t!

Randy looks up and sees the gun pointed at Dwight.

RANDY (To DWIGHT)
Come on mate, for Christ’s sake!

MP fires his revolver.

Randy pushes Dwight away and is himself, shot.   Randy falls onto his back on the stage.

Dwight stands and stares at Randy, then at the MP.

June screams and runs across to Randy.

The MP walks ever to take a quick look at Randy.

MP
Don’t waste your time on him honey.   He’s so much dead meat now.

June sits on the stage, cradling Randy’s head against her chest, and starts crying.

Dwight stares down at Randy in shook.

The MP holsters his gun then walks over to Dwight.

MP
That’s the only thing wrong with this country.   Too many bloody Australians!

Dwight punches the MP in the face.

The MP collapses onto the stage.

Dwight walks over to June, and puts an arm around her shoulder as the curtain closes.