The reason I don’t watch such movies on my own is that I don’t enjoy watching people fall in love as if everything falls perfectly into place. So I can completely identify with the study at Heriot Watt. When I watch these movies with a partner, however, a whole new dimension to the chick flick loathing comes into place. I start to wonder what he’s thinking as he watches the movie. I start to anticipate the next scene, hoping that it won’t portray women as foolish or something. I start to wonder if my partner feels the way the broken hearted Romeo feels when a girl leaves him and he can’t move on.

In the end, it is never my partner who is affected by the movie. It is me, because I look into its message way too much. Instead of believing in the message however, I take a defensive stance and criticize it to the point where I start criticizing those who watch it and enjoy it.

So, I wonder if couples generally enjoy watching romantic films together. You can tell a lot about a person by their taste in movies, and if you can’t stand watching a chick flick, let’s hope your partner feels the same way. Dating is a touchy subject for relationships, so if you are highly opinionated about love and fate, beware of the conflict that a simple romantic movie can trigger in your conversations with your partner.

Most (attached) females absolutely adore the love-dovey dating scene. The pink, the red, the white, the romance – and although it seems that men don’t necessarily reciprocate feminine mush, male participation is of course, a requirement. The man that does not display some type of outward affection to his significant other faces severe repercussions.

Fortunately for my male cohorts, I, being female, have a link into the strange and emotional mind of the previously unknown territory that has been dubbed “The Girl.” As a result of the combination of my own experiences as a female and my recent, highly scientific chick flick rampage, I have compiled a list of feminine traits that will (hopefully) open the eyes of romantically dead men. The following will aid in the understanding of the female brain, and save you from dating disasters. According to my research, these are the facts of life as seen through the eyes of a sentimental woman:

    * All important, life-changing events occur in an hour and a half. The highlights of days, weeks, months, or even years can be packed into a very tight time slot. Long conversations do not exist, all travel time is negligible, and trivial actions such as using the restroom need to be completely omitted. Quality time investment will not, in fact, win you her love. Keep it short, sweet, and to the point.

  * The only men that deserve to live are absolutely gorgeous. Since men are (of course) swine, they need to be physically perfect. Men must have chiseled features, washboard abs, and an almost eerily keen eye for clothing. Acceptable brands of men include Colin Firth, Hugh Grant, and Heath Ledger look-alikes.

   * Only successful women matter. To be important and have a chance at finding love, a woman must be in her late twenties to early thirties and hold down a high-paying job in a male-dominated field. This factor re-establishes the fact that men are swine and ensures that love only comes to successful career women. The love life of the slightly homely if ridiculously supportive best friend is, of course, nonexistent.

* A relationship is doomed unless it is stable within days.  If a man and a woman cannot establish a connection within the first week of their acquaintance, there is no potential for romance. Love at first sight is a plus; feelings associated with “magic” are also desirable. The exception to this statement occurs in cases of love in the form of extreme hatred and can be referred to as the “When Harry Met Sally Clause.” If a man and a woman appear to despise each other, they are in fact, soul mates.

   * Before a man and a woman can be happy together, the man must break the woman’s heart. Infidelity, name-calling, forgetting a date, and neglecting to properly reveal feelings of romance are all acceptable sins. No man is allowed to treat his significant other decently until they have hurdled this road-block. Remember, men are swine.

   * Deep down, every man understands romance. After the couple has passed the heart-break stage and realized that they are madly in love, the man is required to do something ridiculously sweet. Be it flowers, candy, letters, songs, or a meeting at the top of the highest tower in the city, chick flicks show us that every man has both the capacity and the desire to be lavishly romantic. To make up for his previously swinish behavior, it is preferable that he also make a speech detailing his love for his significant other and all of her admirable qualities. A minimum number of tears is ideal.

  * The most important thing in life is finding true love. Romance is the ultimate goal:  When a suitable mate is found, work, family, and friends take back seats. Nuzzling and cuddling increase, and a happy ending is inevitable.

Put simply, this is how it is. It is my sincere wish that men will read these guidelines and consider them, in hopes for their own happily-ever-afters. Boys, remember to keep the romance alive, and happy loving!

Whether a man is willing to admit it, or not, women rule the planet. Until science completely crosses into the realm of “playing God”, men will always rely on women to allow them to complete their one basic purpose in life. I’m referring to procreation. The days of clubbing women over the head and taking them back to the cave are long gone. Now more than ever, women have choices. Face it, there is always going to be someone cooler than you.

But if network television is any indication, there is hope that the fat guy or the nerd can catch the hot chick. If you need proof, you should flip to an episode of The King of Queens, Still Standing, or Yes, Dear. All of these shows leave you with a big feeling of “yeah right, that guy could get her”. One thing that they don’t tell us is how they got the girl. Either these guys are crazy rich, equinely endowed, or incredibly hilarious. They could be all of those things, but more than likely they have an above-average understanding of their women.

There is no such thing as understanding women too much, but it is possible to not understand them enough. This means that guys have to work to get to a higher level of feminine comprehension. It may require a little bit of *actual* effort and keen senses.

In my years of dating, I have never met a woman that didn’t drop hints. Some are subtle and easy to miss. Yet others are blatant and incredibly obvious. I’ll give you a tip: if a girl ever says, “Oh, I’d love that”, it means “Hey Dummy, I want this”.

Here’s another tip, a girl’s DVD (or VHS) collection will tell you volumes about what she is looking for in a relationship. This even applies to the ladies that have a massive collection. You may have to ask which ones are her favorite and then go from there. If she has a small collection, then it’s easy.

This is where the actual time investment comes along. When the opportunity to discuss movies comes along, take notes. It may be necessary to break out the pen and paper and create a list. OK, try to keep up with me now. Run, don’t walk, to Blockbuster or your local video store and get those movies.

Please tell me you’re ready for this. The diamond-encrusted, platinum and gold key to understanding women is to watch these movies and imagine that the female lead is your girl.

Women are creatures of comfort. That’s what explains the variety of flavors of lotions, eating ice cream during stressful times, and their favorite movies. There is a level of comfort that lives within the escapism of imagining being the extra special girl in the movies. The better a guy gets at embracing that, the better off he will be in the world of understanding women.

As I mentioned before, there is no such thing as knowing women too much. Take this piece of advice and put it into action. You have been given a big, shiny, golden nugget of enlightenment. Now it’s up to you to make it happen.