Children

Any children you and your partner are raising together need to be the first consideration in your planning. Whom will they be staying with? How are they going to be supported? How are they going to deal with this break up? We love our children dearly but none of us is perfect. When emotions are high and we are stressing to the max, it is hard to envision how they may be feeling. Separation is tough on children so we need to think about how to make it easier on them. Some things to consider that can make the journey into separation easier for children are the following:

1. Sit down together and explain the separation in simple terms to your children.

   Both parents should keep their bitterness to themselves and be amicable. Reassure the children that both parents love them and it is not their fault. Children often blame themselves. Let your children express their fears and sadness then reassure them that mom and dad will both be there for them. Give the children as much information that concerns them as possible. With whom and where will they live? Will they be going to the same school? How often will they see each parent, etc? Information is very important to children, so they do not feel lost and confused.

2. Don’t badmouth the other parent.

   It is so easy to let our bitterness and hurt get in the way of what is best for our children. Telling the children that it was mom or dad’s fault the relation is ending is detrimental to them and to you. It could damage the relationship the child has with you or the other parent. Badmouthing and pointing fingers can cause serious emotional difficulties for the children. Another big consideration is that courts frown highly on this type of behaviour and will hold it against you in any custody disputes. Never make the other parent look bad to the kids because no one will benefit.

3. Carefully consider your custody arrangements.

   If possible, a shared custody arrangement is ideal for the kids. They get equal time with each parent, which is fairer to them, and to each parent. It is hard to give up your child for a week at a time but imagine how much harder it would be to see your child only every other weekend. To make this arrangement work, parents need to live close to each other so the children can attend the same school. Both parents need to be civil with each other in the children’s company and be able to work out any difficulties that may arise in the arrangement. Sharing custody benefits both the children and parents but sometimes impossible. Often a parent needs to relocate due to finances or family support. Some parents think the idea is perfect because no support is paid. This is not true. There are support guidelines set out but they may be difficult to calculate on your own. The courts want the children to live with equal comfort in each home.

Living Arrangements

Where are you going to live? Who gets to keep the house? Usually it’s the wife who gets to stay in the marital home but if you are in a common law relationship, you are not necessary entitled to your partners assets without a fight. Therefore, if the house is in your partner’s name, you can probably start packing your bags. I do not know all the legalities so I will not go into legal details here. In this area, each individual needs to do his or her own research.

If you will be the one moving out, have you secured a place to live? Do you have the money to pay first and last months rent? You may live in an area where getting an apartment is simple or an area where there are none to be found. You do not want to be stuck living with your ex after you have broken up. Living with your ex can be very uncomfortable and potentially explosive. I cannot stress enough how important it is to sort out your living arrangements before you decide to separate.

Setting Yourself Up Financially

I am not encouraging anyone to squirrel away tons of money years before leaving but you have to have some money to start up, especially if you are dependent on your spouse. He or she may not want to help you get on your feet. You need to consider securing a place to live, groceries and all the things you will need for your own place. You will need transportation, deposits for hydro, utilities, phone, etc. Make a list of all the things you will need and add up the cost, then you can just about double it! You may be able to get help through social assistance programs, but they often take time and often do not provide enough to get by. If you have a job, this may not be such a biggie but for a stay at home wife who has not worked in many years it could be difficult to secure employment and get on your feet. You may qualify for spousal but you will have to pay a lawyer and the legal process is very slow.

Getting a Lawyer

Most couples who separate will need a lawyer.  A lawyer will help you to figure out custody arrangements, child/spousal support, and any divisions of assets. If you are in a common law relationship whey will help you to fight for what you deserve. However, they can make you fight and fight until you absolutely hate each other and have very little left to give. Lawyers are expensive! Bitterness can make you want to take everything you can get but I advise you to be reasonable. Will your ex partner have enough to live on after her pays you child support, spousal, half his RRSPs, and savings? You may be barely making ends meet and your ex might be in the same position. It is so easy to get in the mindset of fighting for every dime, but in the end, this could possibly hurt you and your partner more emotionally and financially. How are your kids going to feel about you taking mommy or daddy to the cleaners? I do advise getting a lawyer, especially when there are children involved but be careful when they start tallying up everything they feel your ex owes you. They want your money and the longer it drags out the more money they get. You can always say no to your lawyer!

Be Empathetic To Your Ex

This is going to hurt your partner. Imagine you are the one who is being broken up with and how you would feel. Is your ex partner basically a good person but the relationship just wasn’t working out? Why should you try to hurt them more than it already hurts? You can be sure that they will be bitter and sometimes make life hell for you but keep in mind, they are hurting. They will probably go from one extreme to the other. One week they will be amicable and the next angry and miserable with you. Have patience with them. If you treat them with as much respect and kindness as you can, things will be better in the long run.

There is so much involved when you separate from a spouse. There are the children, finances, and where everyone will live, to consider. If you plan ahead, the stress that will most certainly occur with a break up will be greatly reduced. A person who is contemplating leaving their partner needs to protect themselves but they also must consider how the break-up will affect others. It does not have to be a horrible, ugly situation! You should plan ahead but try to be compassionate, too.

Obviously, this article is not considering those who are in a situation of domestic violence. It is not a good idea to plan ahead in such a situation. Clearly, when in this situation a person needs to get out as soon as possible. There are many organizations that will help you to get out of a domestic violence situation.