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When is it spanking? When is it abuse?

Many will quote the Bible verse “Spare the rod and spoil the child.” The Bible Says: “He that spareth the rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him correcteth him betimes” (Proverbs 13:24) and “Withhold not correction from a child: for if thou strike him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and deliver his soul from hell” (Proverbs 23:13-14).But this was written in the Old Testament.

But the New Testament adapts the parenting instruction advising that a Christian leader should be “one who rules his own house well, having his children in submission with all reverence, (for if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God?). So then in considering these verses located in I Timothy 2:4 and 5 we can draw the conclusion that a good Christian leader leads his family with Christian doctrine not by striking them. The ultimate authority is Christ so the wise parent lives a Godly life leading by example.

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Encourage not discourage your child.

A child is to be disciplined with grace not beaten into submission. It is not about breaking the will of your child, but building up your child. We are given instruction on how to not discourage but encourage our youth. Physical punishment may keep your child in line while you are present to inflict the punishment, but what happens once the child is on his or her own? A child who is grounded in faith has a foundation which is instilled and helps a child to make appropriate decisions on his or her own.

Ephesians 6:4 “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. “

Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
Proverbs provides a promise and a command, not a suggestion.

Grace can undo poor child training and one of God’s gifts, His righteousness is one of the best instructional tools known to man. Train your child with consistency, God’s doctrine and by example tempered with grace and love. We cannot make our children righteous as it is a gift from God. We can teach them God’s word and by living in a Godly way, they will seek the righteousness of God. “Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God” Romans 10:17. Is the child hearing the word of God?

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The author of the best-selling book “Raising a Thinking Child, Myrna B. Shure PhD wrote in her book Thinking Parent, Thinking Child “I don’t say “Never spank” an occasional spanking won’t hurt your child, and it may legitimately relieve your own anger and frustration. However, if you rely on spanking, you’ll encounter many unintended consequences. Perhaps the most serious result is that it teaches your child to disregard his own feelings.” Caring for their own feelings is the first step towards learning empathy.

The following results are born from frequent and harsh spankings:

• Spanking can cause a child to feel overpowered and helpless leaving him or her angry and frustrated. Needing to regain power they may feel the need to exercise power over those who are less threatening to them. This is how a bully can be born.

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• A child may withdraw emotionally from the parent who spanks them frequently losing trust and an emotional bond with that parent. They may also rebel from the very values that parent is striving to instil.

• Spanking causes a child to avoid the behaviour which caused the spanking but not to think about proper behaviour.

• Spanking may teach a child that hitting is an appropriate way to express anger and they may lash out physically when they are angry.

In conclusion, spanking should not be the only form of punishment. A parent needs to learn how to instruct a child as to the consequences of bad behaviour in a positive way to make discipline a teaching tool. Train your child in the ethics of the law, not the letter of the law so they can make wiser choices and they will feel more confidence and a stronger self-esteem when faced with life’s trials.

This is not an article of blame. This is an article about our educational system, and the basic elements that make living life either managable or a struggle. 

Do you remember what you learned in elementary school? How about junior high? Do you remember your courses after that? If you were like most kids, depending on what era in which you grew up, you can boil most of what you learned into basic academic classes such as English, math, science, history, geography, political science, gym, arts/woodshop, etc. These vary, of course, but most education is learning how to memorize stuff and pass tests when needed. Do you use these classes today in your daily life? Most of it, probably not.

Looking back on my school years, I wish I had been given the opportunity to take classes such as these:

Elementary School – “”How to Stay out of Fights With Others”, “Teachers Make Mistakes, Too”, “When to Talk to Someone About Problems at Home”, “The Bullies in Your Life”, “You are a Wonderful Person”, “Make Money on the Weekends”, “Doing Everything You Like Can be Dangerous.” This list could stretch to the moon, of course. But learning self-esteem, ways to be careful, ways to communicate with peers and adults and knowing that making money can be fun, are all important lessons. Not one of these lessons did I learn as a child. Many, like me, didn’t learn them, either, and as adults, still deal with these same issues.

Junior and Senior High – “How to Choose a Quality Date”, “How to Honor Yourself in Everything”, “Mistakes Now Will Always be Remembered”, “How to Love Yourself Just the Way You Are”, “Sex is Not Love and Love is Not Sex”, “How to Honor Your Parents”, “How to Make Money on Weekends”, “Planning for a Career You Like”, “How to Handle Rejection” and “Guilt is a Compass”. Again, the list is almost endless, but these can teach us a bit about being selective about finding a mate, learning to listen to our inner selves for guidance, honoring and listening to parents who do have more experience as a rule, respecting ourselves and our behavior and how to earn money to buy the things we need.

Can we recognize ourselves or someone we know in these lists? I cannot remember one time when I could reach back to something I learned in school (academically) to help me through a tough time growing up. 

As adults, we can now see how the lack of knowing “what to do” or how to think is hurting us as families and as a society. Teaching adults these lessons ten, twenty, thirty or even more years later is often too late. So much other mal-coping behavior has installed itself on our hard drives, that there is little room for new learning, without getting rid of the old stuff. How does one do that? Counseling can help, but many of us actually need to go to a school of “Life Skills” to learn ways to live life in a more productive way.

Prioritizing was never taught, either. There are adults who don’t know that buying a new car is not as important as saving for emergencies, such as getting fired. People sometimes don’t know when an opportunity presents itself, or why it is important to take advantage of it. Adults often cannot “read the road ahead”, which is a basic principle in learning to drive a car. Don’t just look at what is right in front of you, look three, four or more cars down the line, because what is down there is going to be in your face shortly. Do you see brake lights? This inability to plan ahead is why people tailgate in traffic and end up in an accident. Many live their lives the same way.

Lessons about money – how to spend it carefully, how to save it, how to plan for the possibility of not having any, and how not to waste it is invaluable. Many folks have no clue about saving, being thrifty, planning for emergencies or making sure they have a roof over their heads. Truly, many individuals think all this stuff is boring, boring, boring. It can be. But so can living under a bridge with no food. Or moving back in with your parents at the age of 35. 

Resourcefulness – finding ways to solve problems through creativity and motivation is important. If you were stranded on an island, would you know what you need to survive? Would you even know how to start a fire, build a shelter or find food? Would you know how to protect yourself against animals or insects? Resourceful thinking, whether it is on an island or in the middle of Manhattan, is crucial for physical and emotional survival. 

We cannot teach people who do not want to learn, and as adults, we pride ourselves in our life experiences. We like to think we know it all, in spite of the fact that our lives may be falling apart. 

Learning to listen to others who may have a better view on what is hurting us and ideas on ways to deal with it, is a wise choice. We let our egoes get in the way of listening. I hear the expression a lot, “I get it!” said by people who don’t get it at all, and who aren’t listening. “Been there, done that”, is another saying. Yes, maybe you were, and maybe you did, but did you learn anything?

It is frustrating to find that so many people in our society are simply ill-equipped to make smart choices, or at least informed choices. There is an expression, “We don’t know what we don’t know.” There are missing pieces to our knowledge, and I believe that people who are willing to listen and consider what others are offering to teach us is invaluable. Getting defensive only keeps us locked in patterns that do not serve us. Others may not have the answer, either, but sifting through information and trying out some options can be an adventure that works well, sometimes. 

Until we create Schools for Objective Thinking, or other classes to help folks understand what they never understood, it is likely that life will continue to be a struggle for some and a tragedy for many. In the meantime, it is a fantasy of mine that we can understand that our school children need more than academics. They need to learn how to navigate life successfully.

They say opposites attract, but do they stay together? Can two people who are so different stay together and honestly say that they are happy together? If someone had asked me this question a year ago I would have confidently said no, but I’ve since changed my mind through personal experience.

Me and my boyfriend couldn’t be more couldn’t be more different, most people didn’t expect as to last very long, well we’ve now been together for over a year. Even now though I am very aware of how different we actually are. For example I constantly plan for the future, whereas he is more than happy to go with the flow.

Have you ever stopped to think how different or alike you and your partner really are? Sometimes its very noticeable other times it isn’t. Does your differences pull you closer together? Or does it threaten to tear your relationship apart?

Do you share the same views on the important things or do you share different opinions? If you are so different then what do you feel and keeps you together and why? For some people being with someone who is very different from them works, for others in doesn’t and can mean the end of a relationship.  

George Zimmerman will be monitored by a GPS tracking device so that law officials can monitor his where abouts. Zimmerman faces second degree murder charges. Question: is he really sorry for gunning down a 17 year old kid, or is he sorry for being the center of negative press? Many people will be upset if Zimmerman gets off. He must take responsibility for his actions.

Will this case and others cause a division of races? This case is worldwide. Zimmerman made a bad decision and now he must face the consequences. No one can predict the outcome of the case but if  he does not get any time than Justice was not served. It does not matter about race. No one should get away with committing a crime such as this should. This deserves harsh punishment. We have to believe that the Justice System will do the right thing.

   Pictures courtesy of the blaze.com

I guess that’s where signs come into play. Watching carefully you’ll find life’s signs. Some are more obvious that others with flashing lights and words. Others are more vague and have pictures that, as we pass, don’t exactly understand their meaning. Some may figure the meaning out in time while others don’t realize it till it’s too late.

Then there are the people we let into our lives. Simply put as a hitchhiker. We choose who we would let into our lives almost as if letting them into our vehicles. The decision should be thought about as well, for you could let the wrong people into your life which could lead you down the wrong road and easily get lost, off track, or again into a fatal situation.

This may seem like I’m just ramble of a sort, but to me there is a pretty simple similarity to be found in driving a car and living life.

On the crossroad of life where making decisions and choices become a priority, its so important to find the correct options. So often we land up making the wrong decisions just because our options were wrong.

In this busy world where options and choices outweigh the final need and want, we sometimes wonder whether we are on the right journey of life or whether we are going to reach a destination we never wanted to. I believe it’s the choices we make makes us who we are, we chose to do something that would either make us or break us.

All of this hustle bustle and life’s race to success leaves us with very little time to stop and concentrate. Concentrate on the facts of life, as to how happy and content we are, how deeply satisfied and calm do we feel about ourselves. In this hasty fast tracked life we leave out that option to simply “relax” & “meditate”. Our choices make us who we are and in this age of cell phones and internet, where decisions are just a button away, we call the shots at the speed of light. Broken marriages, abortions, poverty, and all the other man made problems only have a man made answer, to sit back and think in harmony. To think whether what we are doing in life is what we really want to see around us? Or is it the other way around?

We marry the woman/man we love just to realize a few years down the line that we can’t bear him/her, we take up to alcohol, porn, drugs just because we need momentary pleasure, little do we realize the effect it has not only on us but the aura around us. We spend dollars and pounds on the best of food just to please our eyes, when the fact is we end up wasting most of it (millions around the world don’t even get a loaf of bread).

I could maybe go on about examples where our decisions not only make or break us but the people and the world around, so stop being selfish, stop and concentrate, meditate, relax, and think for yourself, is your decision doing good to you or bad to the people you love!

   So I’m going to prepare you and make you aware so that you understand how to deal with people with personal problems. A personal problem could be talkative, liar, theft, trust issues, scary, shy, flirty, sexually exotic, prideful, boaster, need for attention, know it all, playful, aggressive, depressed, etc…. There are so many others but these are off the top of my head. First you need to identify these personalities immediately. You may have a best friend and the only time you don’t like them is when they drink or when they are around someone you like or they like. Maybe you don’t like them if they are not drinking or around someone particular. These are behavior patterns, and at whatever point you don’t like them is the problem area. This is the point where, in their eyes, you change to them also, they might or might not know or notice, but they will eventually. When this situation or point rise that’s when you have to be proactive.

    To identify these patterns watch them, and listen to everything they say. Always keep in mind when people get in front of large crowds, is when they are more comfortable to talk freely not watching what they say. This is the time you listen, but not with a judging ear. Just be in tune with listening and you hear more, and read in between lines better.  Notice what I said, “Listen then you hear more.” Don’t get so use to hearing people talk, and not listening to people talk. Reading in between the line you pickup on things a lot better, because what people feel can be exposed when playing or in large crowds, but you’ll have to read in-between the lines. Don’t focus to much on that,naturally you’ll pick it up, trust you instincts. Sometimes people are telling you the truth while they are playing. “Aww, I hate that shirt. I’m just kidding it’s nice.”

    Don’t just do this in one environment. This is with different environments some or most people change, with social nature, or comfort levels. Guards go down and the true them comes out, you are to know when guards are up and when there down. Ever notice the truth comes out of you when your very upset, and a lot of other people you know. This is a behavior, and your personality is more truthful, while some people are naturally truthful, and don’t sugar coat nothing. That’s a personality, open & blunt or could be cocky. You give it your own title that is all we are doing. Labeling personalities and when they trigger. We do this with our kids, and with people naturally. Some people are more knowledgable doing this. Career’s dealing with multiple personalities daily. Doctors, Lawyers, Salesman, Law Enforcement Officers, Teachers, Parents, etc….

   So after your pretty good at spotting these personalities, and the personal problems they have. The ones that are important are the ones that effect your relationship directly with them. Remember, after you get to know someone, you really don’t have to do this. Every new person you meet, learn their personality so you know what your dealing with. What they have done to others, they will do to you, if they haven’t already. You just have to determine if they have changed, cause people do change. Please, don’t confuse this with judging people, we are learning them. Let their actions tell who they are, and some not all of what they say. Talk really is cheap.

    Now you have a friend that steals. Keep your things safe when their around and you’ll have no problems. A flirt, keep your man away from them, you’ll never have a problem. Make sense? The problem is when they do something and you were caught off guard. You didn’t identify who they were quick enough. That makes you think people are horrible. Well, they are not, try to consider why they do it, or you may already know. Background, who raise them… Traumatic events, etc… NO Father in childhood.. And some people are open to the idea of change, so keep that in mind…

    Now this part might be weird or different but it will make sense. Label your friends and stay within the perimeter. What does that mean? If you have a study partner, cause that’s how both of your relationship blend for both of you best. It goes no farther then that. “So you wanna hit the club tonight?” “NO Thank You!!” You have your club buddy, and this never goes into nothing farther. Having to do with school or personal, etc, is kept separate… You both click better in that particular environment, any other environment expect problems. Or just expect to bump heads. I think you get the picture. Some friends might cover every aspect, or just one or two. It’s like taking the bible study teacher at your church to a strip club. Weird example, but it’s exactly what people do, and that was metaphoric.

   Now carefully choose categories to put people in. Allow time to tell you how to govern this, and remember friends are not bad you just have to remember it’s a relationship, but we use friendship to take the relation part away. Relationship is a connection and it takes teamwork. You cannot change no one, but you do have control over yourself & your actions. You can change you. So if you befriended someone, find the real source why and use this information to find out what went wrong. Don’t allow people to use you and take advantage of you, that’s not a friendship, that’s game. Don’t waste time out your life trying to please someone that don’t really care about you. And when you need them they are no where to be found, but the one that’s trying to be a true friend your pushing them further away.

    Think about this… If you we’re paralyzed tonight from the neck down to your toenails. Is the person you spend your time with going to be there by your side the entire way through or the person your pushing away? Remember paralyized mean you depend on the people who care for you cause you cannot do anything but move your head. Who do you have in your corner? The people you hurt or the people that hurt you? Who would be there at your bed side? The people in your corner? Would they be there? The people your pushing away? This will help you make the right choices on who you give your time to, cause you might need to re-invest time.

EXAMPLE: Your wife has been telling you for years to get rid of those friends. Now your wife is gone, you finally get hurt. None of those friends drive pass the hospital for 6 month’s. That wife you hurt is right by your side, and she wants to know why you hurt her for them. They don’t even care about you. 

    I’d hate for you to be depressed due to being paralyzed and a negative response with the people you tried to impress, and feel bad because the people you pushed away is risking everything for you. If your real friends and family ever hold any event or invite you to anything you had better support them it’s important that you show up. If you stay ten minutes, you better show. Now if anyone happens to go to the hospital are you going to support them. After talking about you. Just think about that. I wrote an entire article on that also…. I hope this information assist you. “Now! Check Yourself!”

Such type of approach requires sympathetic consideration on another’s points of views. These people are sensible enough that they learn from their fights and do their best avoiding them in future. However, acknowledging the reason is one of the most important parts in the reconstruction of a broken relationship. Understanding each other’s feeling is the beauty in a healthy relationship. It includes the things that were right in the relationship and while considering what went wrong, it is important to understand the feelings of both the parties. Once you become conscious enough to start recognizing the reason for the misunderstanding, you will also be able to understand the expectations of both the parties that they need to fulfill for future betterment.

Another aspect to consider in the process of reconstruction is the agreements and decisions that have been taken by both sides. Not only considering but also honoring their decisions and agreements is also equally important.

Avoid making half promises. Promises are meant to be honored and kept at all costs. Once you have reached to the agreements and decisions, sticking by them are equally important from both sides. By keeping the same values, you will find it quite easy maintaining a healthy relationship in future.

One of the major tips in the reconstruction of the relationship process is not using sex as the basis of reconstruction process. Since it could form a habit and you could start seeing it as a solution after every fight that could have psychological effects. Though sex has the potential of increasing intimacy in your broken relationships but it could not minimizes the risk of future fights. Therefore, it is important to have communication going for creating better understanding and mental harmony between two parties. This type of approach not only minimizes the risk of future disagreements but also be fruitful in the long run.

As you know slowly and steady wins the race, hence it is essential taking step-by-step approach in the reconstruction of the relationship. If there is still a little chance or glow present in the relationship, it is essential to cool mindedly examine various aspects of the relationship and should work for regaining the trust and love that was present before. Don’t expect results suddenly, it requires a lot of communication and time for one or both the parties figuring out their weaknesses and then overcoming them. By doing so both will be able to achieve better perspective and at length succeed maintaining a healthy relationship. Disagreements and quarrels are not as bad as thought, but virtually they gives us chance to make our relationships even better than before.

By Muhammad Irfan Zafar

Content Writer

For example, Alvin had a lot of ‘power’ in his very narrow dominion, and sought to punish  Edna in various small ways.  He demoted her, ignored her suggestions, treated her as a virtual paracite.  Everyone liked Edna and over time spoke to Alvin about his treatment which forced him to back off certain decisions and resolve them more favourably in Edna’s behalf. 

The fact that Edna had befriended all and sundry, had spent hours canvassing as if a politician looking for votes is hidden beneath the fabric.  Alvin only knows that he was made to look very bad and was impelled to perform more pro-Edna actions then he would have done in a neutral environment.

Edna’s revenge is far sweeter than confrontation and tit for tat.  She has caused Alvin’s status to drop.

During elections at the local PTA a young male incumbent attacked an older woman challenger.   He used a lot of unnecessary terms to ridicule her.  When she won she embraced him and called him her ’son’ with such warmth that it was almost funny, considering what he’d said about his ‘mother.’ 

When you launch your revenge it must seem natural and almost accidental.   It must result in the target  losing more than was gained. 

Revenge should always be taken some time after the incident (s).  The actions should not be connected as a tit for tat but seem to come from some objective place.

For example, some years ago a particular person was especially beastly in circumstances which made the actions unnecessary.   At a point he had made a tender and it came before the Committee and the person he had been unpleasant to, in the most bored voice “I think tender 4 is a better contractor…”  As no one had any particular preference they went with another tender, leaving Beastly quite out in the cold.

There was nothing to link his actions of three years ago to this decline today, and no reason to consider that particular person of any particular power.

Never take revenge when it reduces you to a lower level than your target unless that is your intention