VIOLENCE IN OUR COMMUNITIES: A COMMENTARY

On Friday, February 10th we had another school shooting.  It happened during lunch hour in a cafeteria filled with elementary children happily eating lunch.  All we can ask is why?  The school is about 20 minutes from my doorstep and diagonally southeast as the crow flies.  I know several of the teachers and students that work and attend this school.  We share sports programs and the arts.  It is a good school.  Who would have thought such a tragedy would strike here and with a child so young carrying a gun and somehow getting it past the eyes of a watchful and caring staff.  It is heartbreaking. 

We don’t think of these things happening is small, rural communities like the one I live in or those children live in but it even happens here.  Why?

When I was growing up we only occasionally heard of a murder, maybe a few more robberies and off and on a case of domestic violence but it was rare, very rare, especially in rural communities and we never heard of such violence and tragedy in our schools.  What has gone wrong?

Where are all this hate, fear, bullying, desperation, violence, vengeance and moral decay coming from?  Is there anything we can do to stop it?  God help us.  I sure don’t have the answer.  I wish I did.

Maybe it is the broken families, lack of stability in the homes.  Both parents work, they have to.  They have no choice.  Maybe it is because there is only one parent to start with and you just can’t be mother and father and bread winner all in the same breath.  Parents are pushed beyond their limits and children end up ignored and without the discipline and moral upbringing they need.  We may love our children but we are too busy trying to survive to let them know just how deeply they are loved.  There is very little if any family unity anymore. 

The TV becomes the nanny, the babysitter and it doesn’t teach very high morals.  The same goes for the video games and internet games we and our children play and the media plays their part in the nightly news and the daily paper too as they lean toward scandals, violence and all manner of sensationalism with next to no reporting of the good that happens in the community, State, Nation or the world.  We are being fed a very heavy diet of negative with little to no positive.  Children learn what they live.

Schools push for the competitive edge, win no matter what it takes when it comes to sports or any other competition and academically every child still passes to the next grade and still gets some sort of award even if they haven’t truly learned or earned it…No child left behind.  It is sending mixed signals to the child.  It is okay to fail in one area or another.  Why do my best, be my best.  The effort is a waste of time.  We are all going to get some special award and our diploma anyhow.  So what if I can’t really read or write or even do basic math.  Machines will do it for me.  I don’t have to read a book.  I can listen to it or watch the movie, same difference, right?  Who really cares so long as I’m not in the way?  I don’t have to learn math, I have a calculator that with just the push of a button will give me the correct answer so why study.  Who really cares about the process?

Churches are not much if any better today.  They no longer teach morals and God given laws.  They are politically correct and just about anything goes.  That helps bring more money into the coffers when no one is offended in any way.  Many now speak of God as a higher power, not Lord God Almighty but whatever higher power you choose to believe in, be it the Judeo-Christian God or some other god or whatever power you choose, wind, rain, stars, the moon, the cobra, the cat or a tree.  It makes no difference as long as you believe in something beyond self.  Not every church is this way but a lot are today.  I’ve been there and listened to them.  God forbid we offend anyone and stand up for God and His teachings.  I’m sure God is very offended and that bothers me. 

No wonder children, our young adults don’t know right from wrong.  Oh some will blame it on Satan and his legions of fallen angels called demons (You know, the devil made me do it.) and that may be correct to a point but it is each of us who make the choice.  We decide for our self how we choose to behave.  How can we choose when we are not taught morality in the first place?

We are a society that has become segmented, segregated and morally corrupt.  Drug and alcohol abuse is no longer just ghetto garbage; it is rampant in the highest echelons of our society and affects everyone from the homeless wino in some back alley to the CEO of our multibillion dollar corporations to the government leaders of our communities and nations.  We reap just what we sow. 

It is sad when we see young children becoming so disconnected with reality and life and living and the wonder of being human and alive that they no longer feel life is worth their next breath and they put a gun to their head or their neighbors or peers and squeeze the trigger.  BANG and it is over in a split second.  No more worries, no more fears, no more feeling lost and alone, no more being bullied and belittled, no more nothing.  Is this what our society as come down to?  God, I hope not.

Maybe we shouldn’t have thrown God out.  Just a thought on my part. 

Recently, an acquaintance asked me what if anything she should do for a friend that’s in an abusive relationship. She described how her friend’s boyfriend constantly belittles her and always stops short of “smacking her around.” She has a feeling that, if her friend doesn’t get out soon, she will be physically abused. I told my acquaintance to voice her concerns to her friend, but to not expect results, immediate or otherwise, as the decision to leave or stay is ultimately hers alone. My acquaintance, obviously discontent with my opinion, moved onto someone else for advice.

We all have this image in our minds of what an abuser looks like. For me, he’s a burly, uneducated man in a once pristine, but now heavily stained white undershirt who smacks his fragile housewife around for the slightest infraction. From time to time, the wife is replaced by an equally fragile child who “got on daddy’s last nerve.” It is hard to imagine that a clean-cut, well-awarded college graduate could be an abuser or that a brilliant and highly-respected business whiz could become their victim. It is unnerving, but abuse has the potential to affect us all.

For me, it started off as a “joke.” I was in a relationship with someone a year younger than me who was known at our college for having “emotional issues.” They frequently got into trouble with campus police and, by the time we got together, had been given their final warning to behave or to find another college. When we got together, no one could figure out why someone like me would want to be with someone like them. Was I rebelling? Was I being a Good Samaritan and taking them on as my pet project? Everyone was disappointed when I’d reply that I was in love with “J” and simply saw in them what no one else did.

As our relationship progressed, I gradually lost “friends,” but I didn’t care because I had “J.” For a short time, we had a wonderful relationship. However, things began to unravel when they made it clear to me that I would never be as important to them as their friends, their drugs and their alcohol. They’d send me early morning text messages telling me that they had heard one untrue thing or another about me which made me be one derogatory statement or another. If they were too drunk to text, they’d call me to scream these things and then sob about how much they loved me. At the time, this wasn’t abuse, but merely proof of how passionate a person they were. It wasn’t until it became physical that I began to mind their behavior.

The first time “J” hit me we were on a date. I had decided to take them to a nice restaurant to show them how much I appreciated them. We were waiting in the parking garage below the restaurant for the elevator to arrive. As the seconds passed, “J” became more and more frustrated. They kept alternating between pacing and hitting the elevator button. Suddenly, they stopped in front of me and smacked my arm really hard. When I asked why they did that, they simply said they were “tense” and only “joking around.” I let it slide and laughed because I was shocked and because I didn’t want the strangers waiting with us to get involved and for our night to end at the local police station. “J” got “tense” a few more times before they dumped me, each time the bruises got bigger and bigger, but luckily never made their way onto my face or into my bones. When our relationship ended I was, to put it mildly, crushed. I’m grateful now, but it took a lot to find this gratitude.

Why do people allow themselves to be abused? Some people say it’s because they deserve it. Some people say it’s a tradeoff for their own negative behavior. For me, I was just in such shock that it was happening that I didn’t know how to come to terms with it enough to stop it. It was easier to just trick my mind into thinking it wasn’t happening to me. I noticed the bruises, but wrote them off as bumps I got on my own due to clumsiness or another non “J” related reason. I saw the phone calls, texts and face-to-face fights as “J”’s way of showing they were passionate about life, our relationship and me. I was too blind by my love for “J” and my desire to see beyond their flaws to stop things. In hindsight, I should’ve walked back to my car and driven off without “J.”

As naïve as it will sound, I didn’t know that abuse could be emotional until the year before my relationship with “J.” We were assigned a short story to analyze in one of my British literature classes about a pair of spinster sisters who were contemplating how different the house felt now that their father was dead. They no longer had to tiptoe around the house at night for fear of waking him and being scolded for not abiding by the sleep schedule he had set for them. They no longer had to censor their mealtime conversations because he wasn’t there to tell them they’re opinions were unwanted and ridiculous and their aspirations were impossible. Now that he was gone, they had a chance at leading lives of their own and possibly finding love.

Reading this story, I was amazed at the similarities I could draw between the father and my maternal grandmother and the sisters and my mother and I. It was unsettling, but I made myself find humor in it. At the next class, I listened to student after student go on and on about how this man had no redeeming qualities and that, had the story been written after women’s lib, the women would’ve stuck up for themselves. The story was one-dimensional to my classmates because “people like these characters don’t exist nowadays.” When it came time for me to share my thoughts, I scraped my notes and blandly spoke about the author’s word choice instead. It would’ve been too embarrassing to say the speech I had been piecing together in my mind for days.

Like many children, the children in my family were raised to respect our elders. If they had something to say, you listened intently and did your best to live by their standards. Unlike her brothers and sisters, my grandmother never loosened her grip on her children especially my mother. To “keep the peace,” my mother sacrificed much of herself (and still does to some degree) to make sure that my grandmother’s needs were always met and her wishes carried out. Growing up, if my live-in grandmother didn’t like what you had to say or something that you did, she made it known and didn’t stop making it known until it was righted. If someone outside of the family found fault with my Gram’s behavior, this person was cut out of our lives. I used to joke that Sunday wasn’t Sunday until my grandmother singled out one of us and my mom spent the afternoon in my Gram’s part of the house alternating between fighting with her and groveling. This was how things were and, while I knew it wasn’t right and that not everyone spent their Sunday this way, I didn’t see it as abuse until after I read this story.

It wasn’t until a few years ago that I saw myself emulating my grandmother. I was in year two of a long-term relationship and we had been faced with a major problem. “N”’s luck had shifted substantially and, due to a misunderstanding, we were spending more time at court than out of it. We both became increasingly emotionally, physically and financially drained as the weeks progressed. Though we never were an entirely peaceful couple, by the third month of this ordeal, all we did was fight. While it was clear from the start that “N” hadn’t done what they were accused of, the truth was they had done something to bring us to this point and this angered me deeply. I had finally started on the road towards the life I had always wanted and resented having to stop where I was and begin taking steps backwards. Without the support of our families and the infrequent support of friends, we were scared and depressed and “N” clung onto me with all of their might. I wanted to run away, but instead I stayed, publically playing the role of the supportive girlfriend and privately screaming until I went hoarse. In my opinion, “N” was a failure who ruined our lives with their carelessness and who showed by their actions that my long-held secret theory that they believed the world needed to revolve around them in order for them to be content was correct. Blinded by my frustration at life and my fear that I was going to see them sent off to jail, I verbally abused my best friend every chance I got. At the time, it felt like a fit punishment. In hindsight, it was unnecessary and wrong. I should’ve just taken some time off to be alone and re-center myself instead of researching court cases in my spare time and allowing myself to only get an hour or two of sleep a night.

Why do people abuse others? One mental health professional will tell you it stems from how one was raised. If you saw your parents beating and/or belittling each other there’s a chance that you might do the same to your significant other. Another in their field may say that abusive people have low self-esteems and lash out at others to build themselves up. For me, I began the abuse because I was angry and didn’t know how to cope with my emotions and continued the abuse because I could. “N” felt they deserved my cruel treatment and didn’t tell me to stop. As a result, things progressed in this direction for quite some time. Ironically enough, I didn’t cease this negative behavior until my grandmother overheard me saying something nasty to “N’ and criticized me for it. From that point on, I did my best to swallow the nastiness and treat “N” the way they should be treated.

From time-to-time, I do still lose my temper, but I’ve gotten so much better. I have an internal set of buttons that, if pressed, set me off every single time. Admittedly, two of them are easier to press than the rest. One button is for when someone lies to me. It goes off especially easily if I’ve given this person a chance to own up to their lie, they’ve decided not to and I’ve found out the truth from someone else. The other is for when someone repeatedly does something (driving while tired, being late, answering the phone while we’re talking, etc.) that I’ve specifically asked them not to do for one reason or another. I try to never attack on the first offense choosing instead to politely, but firmly let the person know that they’ve hit a nerve and to try to not let it happen again. Realizing the damage that I’ve done, I do my best to stay calm and not revert to the monster I was before.

If my acquaintance had asked me for advice years ago, I would’ve told them to butt out. They don’t know why the abuse is happening and, unless they have solid reasons to fear for their friend’s life, they should stay out of it. Perhaps their friend is an expert at pushing her boyfriend’s buttons. Perhaps the abuse is mutual and she’s only seeing one side of it. There could be so many reasons why this abuse is taking place. However, that’s the wrong way to look at things. Abuse is abuse and no matter how or why it happens it shouldn’t be happening. If you’re in an abusive relationship you should take steps to remedy this. The generic advice is to get away from your abuser and call the police. However, to the best of my knowledge, the police don’t step in for verbal abuse (unless of course threats are made) and physical abuse can be a slippery slope.

My advice as both a former victim and abuser is to force yourself to step outside your situation and try to see things as you would want to see them a year from now. What steps would you need to take to get yourself to that place? Would couple’s or individual therapy get things back on track? Or have things gone so terribly wrong that the police need to be called in order for you to get to next year? Having seen things from both viewpoints, I can tell you that both sides make you feel lower than low. No one wants to be abused and no sane person wants to hurt the one they love. I also can say from experience that both positions aren’t reached overnight. There are warning signs, but are you willing to heed them?

Writing this article, two questions kept popping into my mind. The first was why is someone as private as me being so honest about something I worked so hard to hide? The second was why isn’t emotional/verbal abuse taken as seriously as physical abuse? After contemplating these questions, I’m surprised at how interlocked my answers are.

Until recently, I didn’t think my past was a big deal because, in my opinion, it wasn’t affecting my future. However, it has come to my attention that I’m once again not fighting fair and, in order to truly remedy my problem, I need to closely examine why I do things. I need to care more about being honest with myself than about my privacy because, if I don’t, I will undoubtedly chase away some people I love deeply. I need to not care about who reads this and the judgments they might make and just be happy that it’s out there and no longer festering inside of me, feeding the monster who is always a second away from escaping.

In my opinion, we don’t take emotional/verbal abuse seriously as a society because we have so many ways of excusing it (“They were only joking.” “I’m just being overly sensitive.” “It was meant to be constructive criticism.” etc.) and because, unlike physical abuse, it’s not so easy to see. Yes, people can die because being told cruel things made them commit suicide, but no one accidentally lands in the morgue because their significant other repeatedly hit them with an insult. We are told (or at least I was) from a young age to be strong and the thing about sticks and stones and we buy it. No one wants to be seen as a cry baby so we swallow our tears and grow ever more private. We foolishly write off this type of abuse because society only admitted that there truly was a problem with the other kind of abuse in the past few decades.

I am a flawed person with a past I’m not proud of and a future that can be free of any and all kinds of abuse if I keep working towards that goal. I have atoned for my mistakes and stopped wishing “J” would atone for theirs some time ago. I hope that one day we can become a peaceful society and that abuse can be eradicated from the world through education, increased self-control and self-worth. Yet, from the stories we hear on the news and in our social circles, it seems that that day is unfortunately still far off. Until then, as the saying goes, all I can do is work to change my part of the world and, in writing this article, I sincerely hope I’ve put you on the road to changing yours.

The true essence of social networking sites have long gone ever since. From those days of snail-mail communication up to the present, here comes the much darker side of conflict. Hence, bullying has definitely upgraded its existence.

During the old times, people often encounter bullying in terms of verbal attacks, which occurred mostly on children. Nowadays, bullying has gone way too far. Untold stories of netizens, young and old, who have been ‘cyber-bullied’ became more and more rampant, causing negative impact in the hearts of people all across the globe. With just one click away, unpleasant gossip can spread like wildfire. When the news have finally reached their target, ‘victims’ find their reputation misperceived by others negatively. As time passes, the online social network has transformed into a battlefield of all sorts. Sadly, people have got themselves hooked into social networking and spent most of their time reading or commenting about others’ stories of conflict. Real-life fights now evolved into ‘flame-wars’, sometimes resorting to threats and traumatic experiences.

Cyberbullying has destroyed the lives of ‘victimized’ netizens and has caused severe damage in human relationships- particularly the modern generation. Our world is already stressed out from every issue that involve personal lives. Such experience have already drifted our focus away from what is truly important- integrity and our priorities in life. The danger behind cyberbullying is just around the corner. If we all do not have the willingness to stay out of such conflict, then everyone might as well be prepared for a series of ups and downs. As the saying goes, “Better is a dog in peace than a man in war.” 

Types of Child Abuse:

1. Physical Abuse: this is purposeful bodily harm and injury to a child by another person/s. It may be deliberated or from severe discipline. This physical abuse can be punching, beating, kicking, burning, etc.
2. Emotional Abuse: Damage done to the child’s mental heath and social development, sometimes goes together withe physical abuse. The constant attack and tearing down of the child, repeated acts of verbal insults, phycological abuse or cruel punishment, such as locking in the closets, chaining, removal of all their clothes to humiliate them, etc.
3. Sexual Abuse: Any sexual act between and older child or adult and a child. Inappropriate touching and fonding of genitals, sexual intercourse with  a child, exposure to pornography or taking pornography photos or videos.
4. Neglect: The failure to provide for a child’s basic needs of food, water, clothing, education, love, attention and affection. In general all physically, emotionally and educationally needs.

Sometimes a child may show physical or behavioral signs of abuse. Other times, a child may tell you or let you know in some way, drawings or verbal hints, that he/she has been or is abused. This is called Disclosure.

What should I do if a child tells me he/she ahs been abused?

• Be calm. Do not express shock, panic or disbelief.
• Find a private place to talk. Let the child know that telling someone was the right thing to do.
• Let the child tell teh story in his/her own words.
• Ask questions that do not put words in teh child’s mounth or make assumptions about what may have happend.
• Only make promises that you know you can guarrantee, e.g. “I am here whenever you need someone to talk to” And not “I promise, I will fix everything”.
• Immediatly after the disclosure: a)remind the child that what happened to him/her  is not his/her fault. b) call and make a report to the nearest district Police Station c) seek help from a professional.
• Never, ever confront the abuser regardless of who the person is: leave this to the police and the social workers.

Type of Disclosure:

1. Direct Disclosure: “My handshurts because someone burned me last night” Right response: “Can I look at your hands to see if they need medicine? after we do that I’ll call a Police Officer or a social worker to let them know what happened, so they can tray to help you”
2. Indirect Disclosure: ” Tom always wakes me up at night” Right response: “What does Tom do when he wakes you?”
3. Disclosure with Conditions: ” I will tell you something but you have to promise not to tell anyone else, or I’ll get in trouble” Right reponse: “There are some secrets that should not be kept. If I do have to tell someone, it will be someone who will try tohelp you. You can trust me”

Warning Signs of Child Abuse:

Here are some behavioral signs to look for:

1. withdrawal from activities, friends or family.
2. Inappropiate sexual behaviour.
3. Visible sadness.
4. Poor hygiene, mlnourishment.
5. Sudden drop in grades.
6. Self-destructive or self-abusive behaviour, or expressing suicidal thoughts.
7. Aggression or unruly behaviour.
8. Avoidance or dislike of visiting a relative family friend, or authority figure.

Remember children need our protection. As an adult, it is your duty by law to report all disclosures of abuse, no matter where or when it happeed.

Words can be used to brainwash, to control, and to hurt in way that can cause long-term, progressive harm. Being called a child, worthless, selfish, ugly, stupid, and other names is not OK. Maybe you’ve grown used to it over time, internalizing it, believing it to be true, losing your self-worth. It’s time to hear it from someone else and snap out of it because it is not OK and it is not acceptable behavior from someone you believe to love you.

Nothing can always be your fault

Is the blame ultimately always yours? Do you assume something is your fault when something happens or before a situation or argument comes to a head? Are your words always twisted in a way they weren’t meant? Does your partner have unpredictable emotional swings? Addiction problems past or present? When blame happens, you are living in fear. The blaming partner will always tell you what you said or did was wrong, and that it would have never happened had you not said or did something. This is another form of control that nobody deserves to tolerate.

More inclined to believe them than yourself and others?

Feeling heated hurt? Injustice perhaps? Think to yourself, “Do I really deserve this?” “Have I got it all wrong?” ? You have been brainwashed and can’t trust your own judgement the way you used to..and now you are questioning because something is not right.

Need acknowledgment?

A feeling of desperation for your partner to hear to and apologize for the hurtful ways they have used there words is not normal in a healthy relationship. You should not feel the need for validation or be denied when it arises. A healthy partner always seeks to communicate and listen, and doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. The more you feel that constant need, the more he is hurting you. Do not go back to the questioning of “Is it my fault?” “do I have it all wrong?” You don’t. You are being hurt. You do not deserve this feeling.

Hot and cold

Is your partner loving, but critical? Tells you he/she cares and than has no consideration? Your trying to live on a love-based relationship, and are confused by this behavior. Maybe he/she puts on a nice face for others and is well-liked. You try to please your partner, but you can’t seem to do it right. You’ve tried everything and now you are feeling lower than ever. The emotional/mental abuser is using the relationship to gain power for his/her lack of power over their own feelings and emotions.

Limited Isolated and Ridiculed

Somethings gotta give. You cannot and should not go on this way, nobody could!

Walking on thin ice 

Anxiety. Fear. Isolation. Desperation. TRAPPED.

You need to get away.

Gradual Recovery

Whether you are in one, and just left, or left an abusive relationship a year ago, healing is gradual. Emotional abuse is designed to keep you in the past and paralyzed as someone that is not you. This is why many people often enter into another abusive relationship. Words have hurt you, but they can help you in the same way. Surround yourself with people who truly care, who do not want to hurt you. Trust issues, low self-worth, and limiting yourself and the biggest struggles. Find someone to talk to, and focus on you. You can over-come. You can learn to be strong. Believe in yourself first and foremost!

Are you stuck in the Process and don’t realize it?

1. The brain-washer keeps the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place.

Your partner might control your finances, make plans for you, or not tell you what his plans are until the last minute.  He may talk about you to others behind your back, to isolate you from them.

2. The brain-washer controls the victim’s time and physical environment, and works to suppress much of the victim’s old behavior.  The victim is slowly, or abruptly, isolated from all supportive persons except the brain-washer.

Your partner might have insisted that you stop certain social, hobby, or work activities.  You might have gotten moved to a new location, farther away from your family and friends.  Or you may have been asked (or told) to reduce or stop contact with specific supportive people in your life.

3. The brain-washer creates in the victim a sense of powerlessness, fear, and dependency.

Verbal and emotional abuse creates these emotions, and they become stronger and stronger over time.

4. The brain-washer works to instill new behavior and attitudes in the victim.

Your partner trains to you behave in ways that he wants you to behave.  He gradually makes you feel differently about yourself, and erodes your confidence in yourself.

5. The brain-washer puts forth a closed system of logic, and allows no real input or criticism.

In other words — What he says, goes.

Get Help Now

www.thehotline.org

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

1-800-787-3224

To prevent sexual abuse from happening, the parents should teach the children the following: If someone engages in unsafe action, teach the children to say no, to get away right away and to tell their parents or another adult what had happened. Teach them that they should always ask the parents first before doing things or accepting gifts from others. Never to keep secret about touching and if it did happened, it is important to tell the child that its never too late to tell.

Children who had been abused have fears of being alone and in the dark, they have anger to the abuser or even to the adult around them that did not protect them or they maybe angry to themselves. They islolate themselves becuase they think there is something wrong with their bodies or that they are different. They feel sad for being betrayed by someone they trust or that something was taken away from themselves. They feel guilt for not being able to stop the abuser. They feel shame and they will feel confused.

When the child tells you about their experience, respond to them calmly, so that the child will tell all that she would like to tell you. Talk to them in a caring manner and focus on them. Vent your anger with your spouse of trusted friend but not infront of the child. It is important that you believe what your child has told you. Listen to them very carefully. Reassure them that it is not their fault and that you will not be angry at them. Reassure them that you will protect them and that it will not happen again. Report the abuse right away.

1. Loneliness: a feeling of sadness, isolation and being without companionship.
Lonely folks might stick around in a bad relationship because they may be afraid to be alone or they just don’t want to be alone. Some may feel that bad attention is better than no attention at all.  How sad is that?
They may feel lonely and incomplete within themselves and grab the first person that shows any interest in them or that they feel they can depend upon to fill that void.  I can safely say that most people want to have someone they can depend upon, trust and love, but it can end up being a disaster when someone is longing to fill a void that is deep within them. They will convince themselves, even between break-ups that the relationship is worth working at when their brain is telling them that it’s not.

2. Desperation:  recklessness brought on by great urgency.
Some folks feel so insignificant they have to constantly have their ego stroked. They may be so insecure with themselves they are desperate to find someone who will tell them how great they are. And initially, they will do anything in their powers and beyond to please their partner in order to receive all the praise and compliments about how wonderful they are for doing this and doing that. 

Okay, now let’s put “loneliness and desperation” together and see what we come up with.  “Loneliness” meets “Desperation” at a party. The next day, they hook up and “Loneliness instantly begins talking about life’s woes, heartaches, disappointment, setbacks, you name it, all things gruesome. And “Desperation” listens intently, sympathetically, eyes on the prize, sort of.

That moment pays off for “Desperation” because the ego gets stroked due to being a good listener and reassuring “Loneliness” that they would never cause anyone that type of grief and pain.  Well, that’s all “Loneliness” needs to hear and the door is suddenly wide open for “Desperation” to walk through. Now all “Desperation” needs to do is keep up a good act of generosity for a short time and “Loneliness” is then hooked.
Even when the party is over (so to speak) and “Desperation begins to become unattentive, “Loneliness” won’t let go because what they strive for is that initial kindness, gentleness and generosity to return. It’s kind of like a drug addict; it’s said they get hooked because they’re always reaching for that initial high. 

So, the picture is this; “Loneliness” continues to hold on to “Desperation” with the misconceived expectation that things will be as it was in the beginning.  They refuse to allow themselves to believe that the attentiveness showed them in the beginning isn’t there anymore and don’t want to face the fact of being alone.  
“Desperation’s” ego is stroked when they’re being told that they don’t want to be let go and how much they’re loved and needed; causing the relationship to be ON one minute and OFF the next. 
Relationships such as this can be short lived or go on for an extended period of time. It’s like a game with both, “Loneliness” and “Desperation”, and ends when one of them decides to throw in their hand and pick up another lonely or desperate person…..same game different players.

Counseling could help change the game altogether!!

Are you in an abusive relationship?

We all need to be treated with respect, we all need partners who understand our feelings and respect us for who we are, we all need partners who are there for us when we need them. When they start abusing our love and trust, when they take our love for granted and hurt us either physically or emotionally, the best we can do is disappear, leave as soon as possible in order to avoid further hurt and save some dignity.

Are you in an abusive relationship? Leave now. Do not stay because of the children, you won’t be any good to them when you are dead and buried for that is where it often ends. Do not stay hoping that your abusive partner will change overnight, it rarely happens on the planet earth and your man may not be the first. Do not pray incessantly hoping for a miracle, your God has given you enough intelligence to recognize irreparable hurts!

Ten signs of an abusive partner

a)      He or she is extremely jealous and possessive – Beware of a partner who is very jealous and wont let you chat with anyone or talk to anyone wherever you are. Beware of that possessive man or woman who treats you like his personal property, it is a sure sign of abuse!

b)      He or she blames you for everything – Beware when your partner tends to blame you for everything that goes wrong in your relationship. Beware if your partner never feels accountable for anything that he does but always blames you even when you have nothing to do with what you are being blamed for.

c)      Your partner doesn’t know how to handle hurts – If your partner always gets physical at the most opportune moment and will react by either breaking objects, equipment or even beating you or your children or getting into fights unnecessarily, then this may be signs of abuse.

d)      Demands that you end a particular relationship – When a partner wants to dictate your friendship, your business associations or even political views, it may be a sign of an abusive relationship. No man or woman has the right to dictate who you deal with; no man or woman should force you to break any links with a particular individual. He shouldn’t make you stop working or going to school just because of jealousy. Run for dear life when you spot this.

e)      Does he or she humiliate you in the presence of your friends – Beware of a partner how denigrates you or tells you off or humiliates you in any other way before your friends or in public. Do they criticize or belittle you while in a crowd? This is a sign of emotional abuse and may turn physical if you don’t watch out.

f)       Watch out for partners who always threaten you – If he or she always threatens you or your loved ones then your partner is abusive. Nobody should threaten you or the children or even your pets.

g)      Destroys what you love – Beware of a man or woman who wants to destroy anything that you are closely attached to. He or she is abusive and needs to be abandoned before he does greater harm.

h)      Forces you to have sex or sexual activity – Marital rape is rife. Being forced into having sex against your will is abusive and requires no apologies. If your man or woman forces you into intimacy irrespective of how you feel, it is time you called it quits.

i)        Abuses drugs – Many men or women who abuse drugs or drink excessive alcohol tend to be abusive and should be watched keenly.

j)        He or she was brought up in an abusive home – Sometimes back, the history of a man or woman was counter checked before marriage was announced. This was important in digging up some information that would determine the outcome of a relationship. Beware of partners who never recovered from an abusive childhood they may end up being abusive too.

Why you should leave

You have heard of men and women who kill their spouses and children too. You must have heard of men and women who cause irreparable damage to their family members without batting an eyelid. Getting out of an abusive relationship may save you from imminent death or permanent disability and it often starts as emotional abuse. Should you hang on, then you have yourself to blame.

What is a Boundary?

A physical boundary is a dividing line, or possibly a fence or wall. Physical boundaries keep uninvited visitors off your property. Emotional boundaries serve much of the same purpose. They keep others from emotionally abusing you, or simply pushing you to emotional limits you’re not comfortable with. By setting appropriate boundaries, you’re nicely letting people know that they don’t have the right to mistreat you.

When Do I Need to Consider Setting Boundaries?

Anytime someone is behaving abusively or disrespectfully towards you, or even trying to put too much responsibility on you. Some examples of situations that require boundaries:

• A person who maligns and badmouths you, and will not stop
• Family members who refuse to show respect towards you
• A co-worker who tries to push off too much extra work on you
• An acquaintance who asks too many questions you’re not comfortable with

How to Set Boundaries Without Being Offensive

The good thing to know is that most people will come to accept your limits in time. Of course, there are difficult people out there who only want to argue and be obnoxious. There might be no hope for effective boundaries with such people. When you can set boundaries, the point is to let the offender know what you will not accept, and what will happen if the behavior continues. Below, I’ve outlined some possible examples of boundary-setting you can put to use.

Everyone’s dealt with verbal bullies at some point. When such people try to goad you into starting a fight, politely but firmly inform them that you won’t engage in their childish behavior. If they persist, ignore them. When dealing with a snoop who wants to know everything, tell them you aren’t comfortable answering their questions, and refuse to answer them.

There are two special circumstances that require a little bit of extra care. When dealing with co-workers who try to commit you to too many tasks, be polite but be honest. Let them know what you can safely handle, but let them know that you’re thinking of the company’s best interests. Politely decline additional work if you can’t handle it. Disrespectful family members can also be hard. Let them know you care, but their comments hurt you and you want them to stop. Limiting your contact may be a necessary response.

A Word of Caution

If a person you’re dealing with is physically abusing you or threatening you, get away from them, and don’t initiate any contact. Don’t be afraid to contact your local law enforcement. If you are in such a situation, please consider seeking help from a licensed, experienced counselor.

A Helpful Resource: Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

The next category of abusive men is the openly aggressive male. These men are the drug addicts, the dealers, and are very possessive of all of their property. They are openly aggressive, using everyone as their tools. Physical violence is the trademark of these abusive men. Friends of the victims of these abusive men will often see quickly that the man means trouble. Unfortunately, many of the people who get involved with these abusive men either do not wish to acknowledge the threat of abuse, or believe that their love is sufficient to overcome the abuse. The vast majority of domestic violence cases result from encounters with these abusive men.

The next category of abusive men is a blend of the private abuser and the aggressive man. These men are not above trying to control their family, and show signs of this to people outside of their homes. However, they typically will not raise a hand to their loved ones in public. Emotional and verbal abuse are the primary tools of these men, though physical abuse is a close third.

If you have a family of abusive men, it is a case of generational abuse. The cycle of generational abuse is very difficult to conquer, as it involves trying to convince the man that they need to change their ways. Unfortunately, as they are raised with that behavior pattern, it is extremely difficult to alter. However, there are enough abusive men who have changed into wholesome husbands and fathers.

If you are being harmed by abusive men, seek help. There are many resources available to you, including support groups, hot lines, reading materials and counseling.

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