Such type of approach requires sympathetic consideration on another’s points of views. These people are sensible enough that they learn from their fights and do their best avoiding them in future. However, acknowledging the reason is one of the most important parts in the reconstruction of a broken relationship. Understanding each other’s feeling is the beauty in a healthy relationship. It includes the things that were right in the relationship and while considering what went wrong, it is important to understand the feelings of both the parties. Once you become conscious enough to start recognizing the reason for the misunderstanding, you will also be able to understand the expectations of both the parties that they need to fulfill for future betterment.

Another aspect to consider in the process of reconstruction is the agreements and decisions that have been taken by both sides. Not only considering but also honoring their decisions and agreements is also equally important.

Avoid making half promises. Promises are meant to be honored and kept at all costs. Once you have reached to the agreements and decisions, sticking by them are equally important from both sides. By keeping the same values, you will find it quite easy maintaining a healthy relationship in future.

One of the major tips in the reconstruction of the relationship process is not using sex as the basis of reconstruction process. Since it could form a habit and you could start seeing it as a solution after every fight that could have psychological effects. Though sex has the potential of increasing intimacy in your broken relationships but it could not minimizes the risk of future fights. Therefore, it is important to have communication going for creating better understanding and mental harmony between two parties. This type of approach not only minimizes the risk of future disagreements but also be fruitful in the long run.

As you know slowly and steady wins the race, hence it is essential taking step-by-step approach in the reconstruction of the relationship. If there is still a little chance or glow present in the relationship, it is essential to cool mindedly examine various aspects of the relationship and should work for regaining the trust and love that was present before. Don’t expect results suddenly, it requires a lot of communication and time for one or both the parties figuring out their weaknesses and then overcoming them. By doing so both will be able to achieve better perspective and at length succeed maintaining a healthy relationship. Disagreements and quarrels are not as bad as thought, but virtually they gives us chance to make our relationships even better than before.

By Muhammad Irfan Zafar

Content Writer

Wе јuѕt aсceptеd іt аs bеіng normal fоr hеr and I was even guiltу оf tеlling hеr nоt tо wоrrу, she wаѕ јust bоrn clumsу and would рrobably grоw out of іt!

It waѕn’t untіl I ѕtartеd dеvеlоріng a dеереr undеrstanding of hоw the Law оf Attrаctiоn workѕ that I realized nоt only wаs I асtuаllу mаkіng her clumsу bу expeсtіng her tо bе сlumsу, but I аlsо mаde hеr beliеvе ѕhе wаs clumѕy and sеnd оut subсоnsсiоuѕ vіbrаtiоnѕ thаt put her іntо ѕituаtіons wherе ассidеnts were mоre lіkelу tо haрреn!

“If уou exрeсt ѕоmething tо hарpеn іt will!”

I want to rеpeat thаt ѕo іt ѕtіckѕ in уоur mind.

“If you еxрeсt ѕomething to hаррen it will!”

Wе aѕ рarentѕ have a рaternаl responѕibіlіtу tо teаch our сhіldrеn hоw thе Lаw оf Attractіоn works sо that thеу will grоw uр undеrstаndіng the сrеatіve lawѕ оf our unіvеrѕe аnd lіvе a lіfе оf аbundance аnd рrоѕреrіtу.

Unfоrtunately, prоbably beсauѕе оf thе thіngѕ оur оwn раrentѕ tаught us like “Monеy doesn’t grоw on trееs yоu know!” and “We can’t аfford thаt!” іt iѕ all tоо еаsy tо fall intо the trap оf rеpеating thе things we wеrе tоld as сhildrеn to our оwn сhіldrеn.

Beforе I startеd studуіng thе Lаw оf Attraсtion, I had bееn uѕіng the оld сoр out, “Wе dоn’t hаvе еnough mоney to buу that” withоut еven thіnking abоut it еvеrу tіmе mу dаughtеrѕ askеd for ѕоmеthіng. Nоt оnly was I іnѕtаlling into their subconѕсіоus mіndѕ that we wеre рoor, I wаѕ аlsо ѕubсonsciоuslу ѕеnding thаt thought оut into thе unіverѕе mуѕelf and gеttіng bасk еxactlу what I was аskіng for!

Wе hаvе tо bе far mоre cоnѕсіouѕ of what we tеaсh оur childrеn if we wаnt thеm tо еxсel аnd livе an abundant аnd prоѕpеrous lіfе.

Therе iѕ one аmаzing fаct that аlways stiсkѕ in my mіnd thаt I wаnt to ѕhаre wіth yоu all.

Aеrodуnаmіcаlly а bumblе beе ѕhouldn’t bе аblе to flу, but nо one hаs tоld thе bumble bеe that so іt јust goеѕ оn flуіng!

Bе cаreful whаt уоu tеасh yоur сhіldrеn!

If yоu сould lіvе life wіthоut any exреctаtіonѕ you would nеver bе dіsарроіntеd. But mоst реорlе аlѕо wаnt tо enjоy lіfе аnd put theіr hеаrt іnto ѕomething in hореѕ оf aсhіеvеmеnt. So іt ѕееms lіke yоu must have an exрectatіon tо аccomрlіѕh somеthing. Thіs іѕ hоw moѕt рeoрle live thеіr lіvеs, thеу have аn еxpeсtаtion and then they рursuе it. Thеn thеу еіther асhіeve it or thеy don’t. Whеn thеy do not асhіеve thеir еxресtаtіоn that іѕ whеn thе heart ache ѕеts іn.

Is thеre аnоthеr way оf lіvіng lіfе thаt сould produсе mоre аbundаnсе аnd аlwaуѕ lеavе yоu hарру? Iѕ thеrе а waу to lіve yоur lіfе thаt wоuld give уоu mоrе thаn if you have аn exресtаtіon? Abѕolutely!

Imagіne thаt уou аrе the mоѕt рowerful bеіng іn thе univerѕе аnd аnything уоu dеѕіred yоu соuld hаvе. Nоw you gеt аmnеsіа аnd уоu wаlk arоund thе mіnіons оf peoplе аnd you have fоrgоttеn уour mіrасulоuѕ power. Sо you begіn dоіng what they dо. Yоu ѕеt goаls. You get уоur hореs up. You dіlіgеntly slаve аwaу wіth yоur exрeсtаtіonѕ and уоu achіevе them! Well that іѕ аll finе аnd gоod, but you are thе mоѕt powеrful bеing in thе universе. Why iѕ that аll уоu acсomplіѕhеd? Thіs іѕ kіnd оf hоw moѕt реoрle lіvе their lіvеs. Theу рut thеir energу into mеetіng theіr gоаls. Thеу dоn’t even undеrstand how thеy choоѕе thе gоаls mоst оf thе timе. Thе mаjоrіty оf pеoрlе рiсk goalѕ baѕеd on fear. Plaіn and ѕimple they dо whаt thеу dо bесаuѕе thе altеrnativе іs scаry on ѕome levеl. Thеy hаvе an expесtаtion thеу must meеt becauѕе tо nоt mееt thаt еxpесtаtіоn wоuld ѕоmеhow make thеm lеss than what thеу аrе.

Exрeсtatiоn Limіtѕ Yоur Poѕѕіbilitіeѕ:

Expeсtatіоn is а limіtаtiоn. Plаіn and ѕіmрle. Truе mаѕterѕ оf аbundаnсe knоw thаt theіr еnеrgу iѕ infinitelу pоwеrful, іntеllіgеnt, lоvіng аnd сrеаtіvе. Thеy cаn fеel that еnergу pulѕing іnѕidе of themѕеlves аnd they fоllоwіng thоsе fеelіng which bring thеm the moѕt joу. Thе truly abundant in lifе know thаt thеіr enеrgу wіll brіng them morе thаn they could еver еxpeсt when thеy follоw their іntuition. How mаnу timeѕ hаvе you ѕeen ѕоmеоnе on thе news whoѕе busіnesѕ іs bооming and thе іntеrvіеwer ѕays, “Dіd yоu еver exрeсt thіѕ?” Thе respоnѕe iѕ alwауs the ѕаmе, “Nо. I had no іdea, I just likеd to dо ’such and ѕuсh’ аnd thеn іt kеpt growіng. I juѕt lovе what I dо ѕо muсh it wоuldn’t even mаtter if I got рaіd, but huh I guesѕ it dоеѕn’t hurt eithеr!” Thesе реoрlе arе thе ones wіth аbundаnсе. They аrе haрру, ѕuссеѕѕful and еxpectаtіоn (worrу) freе! Thеѕе реoрle follow theіr blіѕѕ, their раsѕіon, their іntuіtіоn and theу аrе never..nevеr diѕарpоіnted! Theіr whоlе livеs аrе enјoyablе bеcаuѕе аѕ thеу fоllоw thеіr blisѕ wоrk іs nоt work аnуmore. It is fun. Theу lеаve theіr work јuѕt as reјuvеnаtеd or mоrе so than whеn theу аrrіved. Theу еnjoу thеir lіves becаusе theу wеre іntеllіgent еnоugh tо fоllow thеir рasѕіon аnd nоt аn еxpесtаtіon. Thеу hаvе comе tо knоw that if theу fоllow the раth thеir intuіtіon gіvеs thеm, thе rеsultѕ wіll alwауѕ bе bettеr than theу соuld have еxрeсted. Thеy knоw thаt wе cаnnot, from our lіmіtеd perspесtіve, ѕее how our grеatеѕt goоd wіll unfоld. Thеу know that the еnergy thаt creаtеd uѕ, thіѕ world and thіѕ unіverse iѕ nоt deѕіgned to fail. It іѕ desіgnеd tо сreаtе and grow, sо they follоw thеіr іntuіtіоn.

Jоy, abundаnce and а dеер іnnеr pеаcе are yourѕ if yоu let gо of еxрeсtаtіоnѕ аnd truѕt уоur intuіtionѕ. Gіvе аll уour energу tо уоur paѕsion аnd уоur pаѕsіon will grоw. Juѕt lіkе thе tаllеst trеeѕ who hаve cоllectеd the moѕt enеrgy frоm the sun, уоur lіfе wіll grоw bеуond what yоu cоuld еxрeсt.

This places her in a very unfortunate, she is neither prepared for or thinking above the position she has existed in for over 17 years. She is a domestic and has walked to the bus stop and boarded a bus to ride for an hour and a half to the best part of the small southern town where everyone knows everyone’s business. It is well known that Caucasian and African- American or not on the same level in society. This was made law in every aspect of citizen’s lives. Many laws were legislated to ensure a complete separation of the races in every level of life.  If you observed woman in which you are interested as an African-American and she is White the laws were clear of the punishment that would follow. If on the other hand you were a Caucasian woman and wanted to marry an African-American man there were laws written specially for that situation also. On Monday April 15, 1985 Shebe takes a leisurely stroll to the bus stop and board the bus, taking her usual hour and a half trip. She is in her usual frame of mind do a half- hearted job and return home to the worst part of town and engages in mindless conversation with a group of ambitionless people.

The bus stops and in a flash she is off and into the large two story home with a well manicured laws, the like of which are only in this neighborhood. Shebe looks in on Imma B. and starts her daily retuine. She walks down the hall to a closes with all of the usual cleaning supplies. She selects the vacuum and unwraps the power cord and with her foot presses the start button. Shebe moves gracefully across the floor vacuuming and humming her favorite spiritual “Nobody Knows The Trouble I Seen”, after the vacuum is finished the dusting starts and hours has passed. The usual rooms are vacuumed, dusted, and the windows cleaned. It is near the noon hour and time for Imma B’s lunch. Shebe prepares the meal of pork chops with corn bread stuffing and a small salad, places it on a silver tray along with stainless steel flatware.  On her way to Imma B’s room she passes a door that she has never cleaned since Imma B’s slight stroke making it impossible to walk through her home without assistance.

The decision made by Imma B is behind this door and awaiting Shebe if she was doing the job she is paid for. Unfortunately she is not and will miss the opportunity of her lifetime. During her bus ride had she read books on improving her circumstance the opportunity would not have slipped through her experience? Sheba knocks on Imma B’s door as not to disturb her Imma B. answers and Shebe enters; the food is placed on the bed. The exchange a brief conversation the she is about to leave, when Imma ask “did you finish all your work, it your did I have a surprise for you” Sheba answer in an unconvincing manner, but is dismissed by Imma and she decides to allow Shebe to leave early not before paying her the 17 dollars for a full day of domestic service. Unfortunately, for Shebe this is the last time she will enter this luxurious home and the last time she will pass by the door of room she had not cleaned for months. This is the day she will remember for the rest of her life, she board the bus rides back to abject poverty and ignorance feeling she has done a poor job but received pay as if she did a fantastic job.

The bus stops for the second time delivering her several blocks from her home, she then must walk through an area without any positive sign empowerment. Shebe walks through a Pickett gate hanging by one hinge, a non-existent lawn, a house where the screen need repair window are missing and covered with cardboard. Shebe enters the house makes a straight line to the ancient television presses the button and nearly enters cardiac arrest. Police and new people surround the house she left with the well manicure lawn. Imma B died short after Shebe Down left the house smiling on her way home. Shebe could see in the background of the newscaster men with dollies were bring larger stacks of something out of the house, Shebe thought to herself,” I never saw that, what ever it is” and she was right she never saw the three-million dollars stacked in the room she never cleaned, and that Imma B. had had The Southern l Financial Trust close her and account and bring all of the money to her home and place it in the room Shebe never cleaned. Shebe was not prepared for and consequently missed three million dollar opportunity. This story fits into an old adage “during the most menial work never stop thinking”

Confidence is not giving a care about what people think of you,

Confidence is achieving things you want.

I learnt this valuable lesson from an early age, my parents used to say “if you have no confidence then you have no life” and you know what, I still believe every word of it. People with no confidence always have no self-esteem and are always self-conscious that’s why they don’t get far in life – lets face it, even if you get straight A’s you won’t get the job of your dream because your confidence will let you down in the job interview. Employers have changed in the last decade or so – not only are they looking for bright individuals, they’re looking for individuals that burst with confidence. People that believe in themselves and believe in what they can achieve. I have written this article to help those who are not so bursting in confidence and find them they’re confidence.

Be your own best friend:

I learnt this lesson from a you tuber and lets face it, it’s quite a good lesson. Some of you might think its stupid but i think its one of the most important lesson you need to learn to gain confidence. Confidence isn’t something you can buy in a shop – you have to build it up like a strong brick and steel sky scraper. You can’t trust anyone as much as your own self – not even your closest friend because there’s a chance you might have a fight and she/he will go off telling anyone she/he can get her/his hands on. Its really important to be your own best friend – it makes you independent and helps you believe in your self. Independence is really important because it means that you don’t have to rely on people like your bank or friends cause they can make your life living hell. I mean if you really need help why don’t you comment yourself.

Don’t doubt yourself:

People with little or no confidence often doubt themselves – and that is a complete no no. Everyone must rely on themselves and believe in every decision they make, if you doubt your self then others doubt you and believe me it wont create a good image of you. One of the things people who doubt themselves need to learn is to let go of expectations. Its usually people with high expectations that get greatly disappointed. When people get so greatly disappointed they start to doubt themselves. When something like that does happen, you need to question yourself and ask if there were any reason behind why you probably didn’t do so well. By doing this you are separating your expectation and disappointment.

Stop comparing yourself:

This is one of the most common factors as of why people are lowering the confidence they have. I mean, people don’t care whether your not a skinny and fit as other people, not as clever as other people or not as popular as others – they care about who you are as a person. There might be a man or a women at work or school whose got the perfect body and is intelligent and is rich but that doesn’t mean they’re perfect and you HAVE to be like them. For all you know they might have lost family or might have had a bad past – REMEMBER, NO ONES PERFECT.

Love yourself:

Many people hate themselves, they’re body or their personality. Every single person is individual and unique – there is no such thing as perfect. Love yourself and always think about how lucky you are because there are people in Africa and poor countries where they will do hard manual work for a penny a day, not being able to afford to feed their family and having to watch their children,babies and wives starve to death and just knowing that they will never get anywhere in their life. Think about how lucky you are safe and sound in the comfort of your home with an education that can achieve you anything you’ve ever want.

Bullying:

Everyone has experienced bullying once in their lifetime whether at school or at work. Bullying can really lower ones self esteem as that’s it purpose. Bullying can come in many forms, if it hurts your feeling then it counts as bullying. Try to build a shield around yourself, anything designed to hurt your feelings just gets rebound. Remember – harsh comments only become true when you make them true. If someone is being a bitch and is bitching about you then don’t try to bitch about them as-well, this will only make you just as bad as they are. The only reason why their bitching about you is because they want to look superior against someone that they know has no confidence because they think they can trample all over you. There’s a chance that their being bullied and they want to take out all their doubt in themselves on someone else to make them selves look good. Remember if it continues try to stand up for yourself, believe in yourself and tell someone you can trust because then your not on your own.

I hope this article has helped just remember – YOU ARE UNIQUE IN EVERY WAY!!!

Best of luck

Beautytips101

While this is all wonderful; when was the last time you had a proper conversation with someone face to face? And are we in danger of losing the art of good old fashioned social skills?

Having a ‘D & M’ conversation (deep and meaningful) with your best mate via email or MSN is all well and good but really, you’re only getting half the picture. You can stop to think before you reply, choose your words carefully (or not!) and it’s far easier to hide your feelings or even lie with this sort of conversation. There is even a word for Internet etiquette – ‘netiquette’ but are we in danger of forgetting the basic etiquette for real life social skills?

How do you deal with ordinary, every day people during your daily life?

Are you rude to people because they are rude to you?

Do you find yourself getting cranky waiting in line at the supermarket because the old lady in front is counting out the amount she owes in coins?

How are your manners? Do you say ‘please’ and ‘thank-you’ or do you just not bother because these people are paid to get you what you want?

Maybe it’s time to brush up on your social skills.

• Don’t have expectations – this is the biggest reason people get angry or annoyed with others. If you expect that person to be polite, if you expect that person in the car to give way, if you expect the bus to be on time and they aren’t – you feel let down, disappointed or just down right angry. Drop those expectations and focus on yourself; by doing this you will be far less affected by these every day events and you will also be more in control by not relying on things working out how you expect them to.
• Don’t wait for that person to smile at you, or be polite to you – allow them to mirror you not the other way round. I have had wonderful conversations with people in the street that appeared grumpy, just by smiling and asking “How are you?”
• Talking with other people is one of life’s pleasures but don’t forget to listen. If you don’t know how to listen, people will not want to talk to you. Too many people are more interested in what they want to say than they are in actually listening to the other person.
• Don’t forget your manners. Yes, people in shops, restaurants, garages and other places of business are paid to serve you but being acknowledged for their job is icing on the cake – a tip does not replace your spoken gratitude. Also, try opening a door for someone just to see their reaction.
• Keep your cool if something doesn’t go your way. If something you are paying for isn’t to your liking you will get much better service by handling it without getting angry. Ask anyone who works in customer service and they will tell you this is so.
• Be patient with other people. Patience really is a virtue. It really doesn’t help to get aggravated because the elderly man at the front of the line is having problems getting the money from his wallet or the lady with a toddler and a baby is struggling to unload her shopping – far better to offer to help them than to get frustrated by having to wait just a few more moments.

When you treat other people nicely, you feel nicer yourself – and if you don’t believe me just give it a try! You’ve got nothing to lose.

• Why study? Why care? Why make friends? Why does all of this shit happen?

• Why am I supposed to live by the standards of society? Why is society to strict as to what’s “normal”? What is normal? Why am I expected to act normally?

• Why should I give a flying fuck as to what everyone thinks? Why does it seem like I do care? I’m writing this article aren’t I?

• Why am I writing this article? Am I just bored? Or do I have a point?

• Why do people judge off of one interaction? Why is it a hit or miss off of the first impression?

• Why is there so much hate in the world? Why can’t people just learn to live as one group of people? Why can’t we act at peace, live at peace, and be happy?

• Why is this world so hard to live in? Why do we exist here? What is out purpose on this planet? What is the point of life?

• Why do we live our pathetic little lives when we really aren’t worth anything? Why do we care?

Why…

Can someone just please tell me… why?

MY view on it is really simple: Non of it really matters. Coorect me if I’m wring, please! I really just want to know why to care.

Please, if there’s anything you disagree with, tell me.

Later I thought I might want to be a veterinarian.   Then I just wanted to grow up and be a wife and mom,   I also wanted to be an accomplished writer.   My younger brother wanted to be an airplane pilot.  My husband thought to be a computer programmer or something along those lines.   I have a son who wanted to be a wild life refuge worker and another son thought he wanted to be a journalist.  My daughter wanted to be a singer.    Some of our dreams we hold on to and try.  At times however, life just does not allow you to have your dreams or not what you imagined them to be.    Another son wanted to be an attorney which he has achived but he also talked about and dreamed often of having cows, and living semi country but not too far off the beaten track.   He hoped to also go into politics.  Something he has pursued but not yet achieved.   

My point is some dreams you simply let go as childhood whimseys and flights of fancy.  But as we grow older we all of us have things we deep in our heart really do want to achieve.   At times those dreams get waylaid and even shattered.  Perhaps a health problem stopped you in your tracks.  Or lack of finances or proper education.  Family might be a factor or location and the ability to change it is not there.   

Some dreams end because other people interfere and cause so much trouble the expectations never come to full fruitian and the dream dies on the vine.   Some people however do get their dreams.   They are in the right place at the right time.   They have finances or education or the ability to put their dream into real purpose and they are happy and successful.    But all too often life and reality rob us of our dreams, our hopes, our asperations and expectations.   Life beats you down and wears you out.    People turn away and are callous and uncaring and no one will help.   They get shot down by others who feel ones hopes and dreams are futile and these people often have no vision. 

However if you have a dream almost all are revivable and do able.   About the only thing that might prevent you from having a dream is death.    Or perhaps physical or financial limitiations.    But most of those can be overcome.    Some have more perserverance than others.   Some settle for something less and are content and others find losing their dreams puts them into a deep depression and instead of getting up and finding a new dream or purpose they just stop and live a mundane life.   

We all need dreams and it is okay if we change our goals and dreams at times.  We might find what we thought we liked was not as rewarding or satisfying as at first believed so we find something else to do and we are fine with that.     Mostly just moving forward and enjoying life is the most important.  Dreams and hopes can be broken but new ones can be found, formed and accomplished with great pride and fulfillment.

In this entry, I mostly blamed Matthew for not accepting Compeyson as my husband. I did not understand what grudge he had against Compeyson. I have known him long enough and found him to be a trustworthy man.

The Poem

I wrote this poem after I got the note from my “dearest” Compeyson, or, more specifically, after I found out that he had jilted me at the altar. I cannot bring myself to throw out the dress or the wedding decorations, but neither do I want to keep these tokens. They remind me of the humiliating day. Surprisingly, I still feel for him, but I will never forgive him. I would not hesitate if I were ever given the opportunity to murder him. No man will ever steal his false way into my heart ever again. I wish this fate and disgrace never have to befall another woman. I wish to protect the young women, so that they will never have to feel this pain and heartache.

The Obituary

This is the last thing placed into Miss Havisham’s special box, before it gets buried along with her. Seeing her burning in the flames was really disturbing. Hopefully, she will earn Estella’s forgiveness eventually. Miss Havisham’s actions were certainly not to be encouraged, yet she had her own reasons. Let’s hope that she rests in peace.

For more Great Expectations summary and analysis, go to http://www.triond.com/users/rt

The first request I received was from my half-sister, Morgan, to speak of (and I quote) “the lack of kindness and manners… how the progression of good manners has slowly DIED.”

Quite.

The second request I received was from my high school Psychology and Sociology teacher, Ms. Turner. She linked me to a great article entitled “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior”, and asked that I give a commentary on it. There was something in there about an interesting perspective without firing off a post devoid of thought, so I hope I can do some justice to that.

To answer a thought that I predict may be brewing in a few minds right now, no– the reason these two requests are being lumped together is NOT because Chinese mothers have all the good manners and kindness. The connection I’ve come up with is just a little more societal, but we’ll see what you think of it.

First, though, I’d ask you to read the article that was linked to me, simply in the interest of knowing what I’m talking about: http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fonline.wsj.com%2Farticle%2FSB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html&h=8dc39

However, for the “too long; didn’t read” crowd, I will give the rundown. Amy Chua is a Chinese mother, and she’d like to tell you why Chinese mothers (a term she admittedly uses loosely to include Korean, Indian, Jamaican, Irish, and Ghanian parents she knows who also qualify) are better parents than their Western contemporaries. There is a laundry list of activities her children were never allowed to do, including “Attend a sleepover”, “Be in a school play”, “Complain about not being in a school play”, or “Get any grade less than an A”. Even when Western parents think that they’re being strict, she tells us, they usually don’t come close to being Chinese mothers. Her example is that “strict” Western parents make their children practice their instrument for thirty minutes or maybe an hour, while Chinese parents will extend this to two or three hours. Chinese parents always feel that stressing academic success is good for a child, and no Chinese parents feel the need to stress that learning is fun. The majority feel that their child can be the best in academics, and that successful academics reflect successful parents–and it shows. Chinese parents spend up to 10 times as much time each day drilling their children in academic activities, while Western children are more likely to participate in sports teams. Apparently while Western parents give up in the beginning when a child resists the imperative to practice, practice, practice, the Chinese tenacity which forces their children to override the tendency not to work eventually becomes a virtuous cycle. The children will tend to practice in habit, and when they excel at activities they will continue to practice and improve. Then, when a child excels, Chinese parents will praise and admire their child for the developed abilities that came from the practice. Chua also relates a personal anecdote in which she forced her child to keep practicing a particularly troublesome piano piece which later evidenced a breakthrough.

Chua lists three differences between Chinese and Western parents which allow Chinese parents to “get away with what they do”.

1. Western parents are extremely anxious about each child’s self-esteem, while Chinese parents believe that a child’s ego will be strong enough to withstand shaming and improve afterwards (though she points out that when children do excel there is plenty of ego-inflating at home).

2. While Western parents are of the opinion that it is the parents’ responsibility to provide for their children, Chinese parents are of the opinion that children ultimately owe everything to their parents (probably in part from Confucian ideology and the amount that parents have to care for their children).

3. “Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children’s own desires and preferences. It’s not that Chinese parents don’t care about their children. Just the opposite. They would give up anything for their children. It’s just an entirely different parenting model.”

Phew! That was quite the summarization. Okay.

So what I want to get at with this blog post is the connection between the loss of manners/kindness and the advantage Chinese parents have over their Western peers. Because I think we can attribute much of both matters to a single facet of Western society–in particular, the United States (of which I have experience. If you’d like to talk about the societal forgoing of manners in Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia, South America, Antarctica, the North Pole, Middle Earth, Midkemia, Niflheim, Mars, or really any society that doesn’t model itself after the industrialized United States, be my guest. I just can’t do it).

Anyway, what I’m bringing to the forefront here are two things that really add up to one issue. It’s the Cult of Individuality, and the way individual self-esteem is being approached from primary school on up these days.

In America, out of the choices between society and individual, the emphasis is undoubtedly on the individual. We know that. The Constitution, the entire American feeling, American literature and propaganda, everything that any American has been brought up on will emphasize how important individual rights are, how important it is to be yourself in the face of adversity, and to pursue the things that make you uniquely you. There are bestselling books in Barnes & Noble and Borders dedicated to being the very best you that you can be.

This is the Cult of Individuality. A person’s identity and the expression of their every individual choice is paramount. Each individual decision is to be made, regardless of the faces in which such individual decisions will fly.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m an American, born and raised, and so to some degree I am also affiliated with the Cult of Individuality. I treasure my essential self, my identity, and to a large extent I will go to lengths to protect my sense of self.

However, the American society takes such notions to an absurd length. “Everyone is special”, we’re told for years. “Everyone is special in their own special way”, a notion that Amy Chua notes and at which she scoffs. I have to agree with that scoffing. While I do not disregard that each person is able to contribute something in some area, there are realistic limits to such contributions. More on that later.

The second informally named “thing” that makes up this issue is the education system’s determination of self-esteem in the importance of a student’s academic and personal success. In recent years, the connection between achievement and self-worth, self-esteem, has been definitively correlated in the field of psychology.

Unfortunately, the modern American education system has taken this the wrong way. The decision has been to promote student self-esteem, in the hope that this raised self-esteem will lead to increased academic achievement.

This is wrong.

Those students who continually are able to reach academic success therefore will have a higher sense of self-esteem. Those who are unable to reach academic success for whatever reason will not benefit simply from an increase in the level of their self-esteem, unless that increase creates in turn increases the motivation for the student to spend time pursuing academic success.

The other effect of this practice is to create a sense of capabilities which is not in alignment with the student’s actual range of capabilities. This inflated ego is bolstered at any time the issue of self-esteem is brought up in the classroom. “You can do whatever you set your mind to”, “Anyone can do whatever they want, if they work hard enough”.

It’s a bullshit piece of propaganda designed to bolster self-esteem in the endless pursuit of higher test scores.

Finally tying back into the previous point, we can talk about the societal decline in terms of kindness and manners, if anyone is still reading my opinion on the subject.

Between the vast American propaganda serving the Cult of Individuality and the American education system placing such a heavy emphasis on self-esteem (to the point of egotism), the children born after…1995, 2000? have been inundated with messages that shape their lives.

That shaping is turning our youth into a generation of egotistical, selfish, lazy, narcissistic individuals– the kind of individuals that are already prevalent in the American society. With a regime of positive reinforcement regardless of effort or achievement, the rampant ego inflation causes these citizens to believe that all achievements hinge on their personal contribution, and any negative outcome is caused by some external, uncontrollable force– never by the failure of these people to have made a negative choice, taken the easy-not-correct course, or simply not having the necessary skills and abilities. It’s always the fault of everyone else that a project fails. Bad luck was the cause. There’s a conspiracy to prove that this person isn’t as good as they believe.

And maybe there is. When a person is wildly incompetent, people will do their best to prove the presence of this incompetence, in an attempt to root it out.

But back to kindness and manners. When one believes oneself to be the font of all positivity, and others the source of negativity, where does one learn the value of another human? Other people become barriers, or at best necessary consumers of this godly individual’s precious time and resources.

Where in American society do we teach a person to be humble, to treat others as equals? Where do we teach a person to strive to recognize their own flaws, to place self-blame when it really matters?

Largely, we don’t. We teach people to strive for the stars, devote all of their energy to overcoming obstacles (either physical, mental, or person: naysayers and bureaucrats, simpletons without vision the lot of them), and never compromising the goals of their individuality for others.

It’s no wonder we’re slowly losing manners and kindness in general. No one teaches them anymore.

I will, briefly, give a few comments on the Chinese style of parenting. It is effective: as shown by Amy Chua, Chinese daughters and sons will eventually overcome the natural “child’s laziness” to form diligent work habits. That diligence can overcome even natural disadvantages to produce abilities that are at least worthwhile, if not the greatest in a field. That distinction, however, should be made. As much as Amy Chua scoffed at the notion of individual contribution in a “special” way (as noted in her twisting of the saying, that “even losers are special in their own special way), there is something to it. Chinese parents may believe that their children can be the best in academics, and in each activity they pursue, but that is simply patently untrue in most cases.

This is a simple case of numbers. There are almost seven billion humans on this planet, parents. Your son or daughter is simply one out of an amazingly large mass. There is simply no way for even every Chinese child to be the “best” in all of the activities that they pursue– there are simply too many people. Forget adding in the rest of the races of the world, even one race has far too many individuals for even the most strict and uncompromising society to always raise a “best” child to go with demanding parents.

Chinese expectations (as generalized in the above article) work extremely well to foster good behavior to build skills, but in dreadfully limited areas. While it is important to exceed in schoolwork, and the art of learning an instrument (or multiple instruments) is invaluable, there are other things of value in this world.

Consider. We raise children to perform well in some mathematics, some science, english writing and speaking skills, operating computers, simplistic art, and history. Some schools require a minimum of physical activity.

If all that a child strives for can be housed inside a school curriculum and a music lesson, that child’s world is far too small to include anything that is beautiful or otherwise valuable to the human race.

There are those who farm our food, create beautiful pieces of art beyond finger painting and Crayola crayons, repair cars, refine oil, grow amazing plants for a variety of uses, build houses, govern sewage and sanitation, create the layout of a city, repair roads, provide electricity, create clothing, write books (not essays), provide entertainment, hold religious services, teach classes at both the elementary level and in higher education, hold political office, staff our police force, serve in our military, and so much more.

None of these occupations readily fall under the skills and abilities which are conveyed through academics or in learning a musical instrument.

I agree that the methods of the Chinese parents impose fantastic learning habits upon children. However, I do not think it is appropriate that those methods limit the scope of a child’s curiosity and fascination with the world, which is exactly what happens when the child is allowed to focus on three things: my instruments, my schoolwork, and maintaining my body to get me along to those first two focuses–how annoying.

And really. Why can’t we play instruments other than the piano or violin? Your musical taste is so limited, Amy.

Well, that was a pretty long one! As always, I’d love to get comments, questions, and thoughts on this blog post. Especially if you have a request for a future topic, please leave a little something below this post! Have a great day.