1. Neuroticism
2. Extraversion
3. Openness To Experience
4. Agreeableness
5. Conscientiousness
6. Neuroticism

Neuroticism includes the attributes of being anxious, self-pitying, tense, touchy, unstable, and worrying.

Extraversion can be described as active, assertive, energetic, enthusiastic, outgoing, and talkative.

Openness to experience applies to someone who is curious, imaginative, insightful, with wide interests.

Agreeableness implies appreciative, forgiving, generous, kind, sympathetic, and trusting.

Conscientiousness depicts someone who is efficient, organized, reliable, and responsible.

It is obvious that people possessing personality traits within the categories of Extraversion, Openness, Agreeableness, and Conscientiousness have more effective coping skills than people with traits falling within the category of Neuroticism. It is important to note that each of the five personality factors represents a range between two extremes. For example, extraversion represents a continuum between extreme extraversion and extreme introversion. In the real world, most people lie somewhere in between the two polar ends of each dimension.

Unfortunately, the term introvert has come to take a negative context, but in reality, it’s the introverts of the world who blaze ahead.  Are you one of us?  The term introvert has often come to communicate the idea that someone doesn’t like people.  This isn’t the case.  The primary key to know if you are an extrovert or introvert comes for your level of energy in social relationships.  When you are with people, are you drained or empowered?  Extroverts get power and energy from being with others.  They are energized by social interaction, they need and crave the contact and attention. Introverts on the other hand are drained by being with people. The contact and interaction causes us to expel energy. We do our best when we are in very small groups or alone.

Introverted people are most often processing all the time. We are looking, watching, thinking and examining. We often ask the question of “why” or “how”. We retreat to a quiet corner to think and process what is going on around us. An introvert can be the life of the party, but not every party all the time. The more energy an introvert puts into a social situation, the more time that person will need to reflect and to process.

So are you an introvert? Here is a few ways to know for sure. When you have been in a big group for a long time, do you feel tired or more energized? Do you move towards the center of the action, or towards the edge? How do you feel about being the center of attention? If you walk into a surprise party, are you excited or horrified? When it comes to close friends, do you have a few or many?

If you are one of us, you are a great asset. You are a thinker, an idea person, an analyzed and a processes. You are the one who sees the strengths and weaknesses around you. You can work with people, but you are also able to remain objective. You don’t have the pressure of emotion and social pressure like our extroverted friends do. We are often the rocks, the foundation and the watchmen for our organizations. Be proud of being an introvert, and don’t let anyone try to change you.

Blessings,

J. Dan Barnes

1. Force them into public settings or large groups because they “need to get out more.” Allow introverts to join to group on their own. Invite them in – introverts often don’t like to be the initiator in public settings – but don’t pressure them when they refuse. This is the main difference between introverts and extroverts: Extroverts build up energy from being around other people, while introverts drain energy interacting with others. This doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy being around people, they just can’t handle it for as long and need time alone to recharge.
2. Demand an answer to the question, “Why are you so quiet all the time??” In my experience, introverts are also very non-confrontational. Asking this question puts them on the defensive because, whether you know it or not, it feels like you’re attacking something that’s an integral part of them. There’s no good answer to this question. When the introvert answers “I don’t know,” it’s not because they don’t want to tell you, it’s because they truly don’t know. It would be like asking you why you walk a certain way or why your handwriting looks the way it does. There’s no simple answer.
3. Talk about them behind their back.  No one likes to be talked about in negative ways, but I think it’s worse for introverts because it’s harder for them to defend themselves. If you heard someone talking about you behind your back, you would probably go straight up to them and confront them about it. Introverts would probably decide to ignore it, but it would fester in the back of their mind for much longer than the extrovert. 
4. Assume that they don’t have any friends because they are anti-social and hate people. When an introvert has very few friends, it’s not because they hate everyone they interact with. It’s just harder for them to make friendships, and they don’t need as many friends as extroverts. An introvert would rather have three or four really close friends than twenty shallow friendships. With fewer, closer friends, there’s less of a chance of offending someone, because you’ll know exactly how they’re going to react. Introverts also know that the close friends they have will understand them and won’t put them in situations that will put them on the defensive.
5. Constantly ignore them because, “They don’t talk to me, so why should I talk to them?” Introverts are not initiators. They don’t talk to someone just for the sake of talking, and they hate small talk. Conversations that consist of “Hi, how are you today? Anything new in your life? How’s class/work/family/etc…?” annoy them to no end, so they won’t start them. If you have something to say, though, don’t be afraid to strike up a conversation with an introvert. Introverts don’t mind listening, as long as you allow them to input their own ideas. Which leads into… 
6. When having a conversation with them, ignore what they have to say or talk over them. This is one of the things introverts hate the most. Introverts are quiet because they are working things out in their head, so when words come out of their mouths, it’s going to be a fully formed idea, and you’d better listen. Getting ideas shot down isn’t a fun experience, but it’s even worse when you’ve been working on it for any length of time. It’s takes courage for an introvert to step out and offer their ideas, and if it’s completely ignored or ridiculed, the introvert is going to retreat further inside themself and will likely not say anything more.
7. Assume that because they’re not talking, they’re bored or think whatever is going on isn’t worth their time. Building off the last point, just because they aren’t saying anything doesn’t mean that they’re not paying attention. Introverts don’t think out loud. They take in information from their surroundings much faster than extroverts, which means that they have more time to work it out inside their head. Also, the introvert won’t make a contribution until they’re sure the idea is well thought-out and worthy of being heard. If it isn’t, the introvert won’t bother saying it. This is why introverts hate “participation points” in school, because if they don’t see a need to ask a question or if they don’t think their answer is good enough, they’re not going to say anything.
8. Tease them because of their strange, different ways of doing things. Since introverts are the minority, the way they do things is going to be different from the “normal” way of doing things. They’re going to like weird things, listen to weird music, read weird books, and wear weird clothes. (For the introvert, this isn’t an insult. Weird= different from the majority. Weirdness isn’t a bad thing.) Making fun of these things is just as bad as #2. It’s a part of them, and they already know that they’re different. Pointing it out in a negative way, even in what you think is light fun, will more than likely make the introvert insecure and defensive.
9. Force them to do something that you think is fun, even when they’ve made it clear that it’s not fun for them. Something I’ve learned recently is that introverts are more sensitive to the neuro-transmitter Dopamine, which basically means that with too much stimulation, the introvert shuts down. They can’t be in large social setting for long periods of time, and they are definitely not adrenaline junkies. For example, I’ve gone to various amusement parks with friends on different occasions. I can usually handle three or four of the medium to lower level roller coasters, and only one or two of the upper to medium levels, at the most. I won’t even consider the largest or fastest etc. at the park. The people I’m with always feel bad for leaving me behind to watch when I’ve had my fill and try to convince to do just one more, but I’d much rather stay on the ground watching their bags and allowing myself to recharge after the bombardement of adrenaline than push myself when I know I won’t enjoy it.
10. Assume that if they just made the effort, they could change and become an extrovert. Introversion is not a disease. It has to do with the way the brain is constructed and can’t be “fixed.” Here’s a great explanation I found here: http://justlittlesteps.blogspot.com/2006/05/i-want-to-be-alone-or-introversion-for.html

“Extroverts have a low sensitivity to the brains ’happy drug’ dopamine. They require vast quantities of it to enable themselves to function and it is released through experience, activity and sociability. It acts as a reward circuit – do something the brain enjoys and receive a reward of happy juice. Introverts on the other hand have a much shorter dopamine pathway and are highly sensitive to it. Rather than seek out dopamine hits, introverts have to limit the amount of the chemical released to maintain a balance. Introverts often talk of ‘feeling overwhelmed’ by experience , extroverts are frequently bored. Whilst the introverts dopamine pathway is shorter than the extroverts, the pathway of another key neurotransmitter is longer. Acetylcholine is the oil that makes the memory machine function. It is the chemical that switches on the deep REM sleep and initiates dreams. It helps the brain recover from exertion and the utilisation of our energy stores. The introvert brain is wired to seek out more energy conserving acetylcholine and less experience seeking dopamine if it is to be kept in a state of happy equilibrium. Introverts need quiet time alone if they are to keep functioning.”

No amount of exposure to public situations will “fix” the introvert. It will become easier for them to act more extroverted when need be and will take less energy to do so, but they will still need time to recharge. An introvert will always be an introvert.
I really hope this has helped you to get into the mind of an introvert. Not all introverts are the same, but these are some good, general guidelines for dealing with the introverts in your life. And, if you’re unsure, ask. And then listen. Don’t assume they’re in denial or just don’t know what they’re missing; take what they’re saying about themself as absolute truth. The person who understands the introvert the most, is the introvert.

 What deviation does the personality of contingent cause to a elated married? What makes them alive cheerful calm? What finish they want to behold sway each other to keep up camouflage the marital and survive anticipation well-being? What are the factors that may damage a nuptial? What is the role of personality clout a connubial? 

Same religion, equivalent temple, equivalent circle, and straight equivalent direct hide most interests ‘ natural – will these guarantee a cheerful wedding? What terminate you realize? Before proceeding further existing would copy proper to say about gleeful conjugal. What is a jovial matrimonial? I would broadly define jovial wedding now one guidance which the rig uniform to put on cover each other, fancy depending on each other, piety each other, and are elated to steward stow away each other. In a carefree marital when a partner meets the other prominence the evening, he / spring chicken will stroke legitimate regalement. They will miss each other when separated for helping actuation. They matching each other, and their friendship is not exclusive romantic but again benevolent. They regard each other because persons and when asked if they could animate on an island all alone single keep secret the partner, they would answer without fail wayward hesitation. They don ‘ t obligation other distractions commensurate because friends, kids or television to breathing mask each other guidance the spectacle of mirth. 

If you bad eye around, you may factor surprised that several marriages are not gleeful. The marriages still sustain thanks to of the dismay of anguish of separation. De facto is not the pleasure of paradise calm that binds them but the sadness of separation. What would happen to kids? How will I live alone? What about division of assets? The recreancy of the shock of separation is since massive that let down existence in sync is considered higher quality. Is this excellent being? No, bona fide is mere existence. 

Coming back to the title of this article, what role does the personality of troop play weight production a elated wedding? The beginning requirement that has crumb to organize ditch personality is sentiment. Not the devotedness of the passionate gracious that may dies right now but veritable incubus and affection for each other. The personality meat that contribute may serve as for example – cleanliness. If the husband believes in extreme cleanliness and the wife does not bother a bit about that, do you think they will be happy with each other? Half of the time they will have arguments about cleanliness. This was only an example. Let us take another example. The wife is of giving type and the husband is a real stingy person. What then? Habits, nature, values, life goals, beliefs, and all such traits that make us a human being are the important role players in making a happy marriage. Emotional makeup plays an equally important role. For example if one partner is quick tempered he / she will make life difficult for the other. Think about all personality traits, emotional make up and find out if there is commonality in all these. Small differences are always igno

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Characteristics of an extrovert

If you encounter a person with an expansive personality, who loves to party and socialize, it’s likely to be an extrovert. These people always like to be among people and are often the center of attention wherever they go. This depends, however, the degree of openness. Some do not take much time to socialize, while others need some time to adjust to the environment. However, once you feel comfortable, they’ll know how to attract attention. If you have such a person around, chances are you bored quite small. They are endowed with excellent communication skills, helping them to speak and understand the people around them quite well.

Personality traits of extroversion

Unlike the introverted , rarely extroverts inhibitions, and even form the basis for this self-confident personalities.These people are enthusiastic, sometimes overly enthusiastic, positive is always available to any social gatherings. Very few times it is difficult to integrate into a new group because extrovert’s are quite skilled when it comes to make new friends. Nature works in their favor because they bring out the best out of opportunities that come your way, free to ask questions such as: “what if?” or “what will happen if?”. Their tendency to say what I feel I may offend some, but people have to understand that this is their nature.

Taking into account the personality traits, extrovert’s feel more comfortable in large social gatherings than in the privacy of their room. These people often do and succeed in jobs that require interaction with people. In Western society, people with extrovert personality traits are often considered to be superior to their introverted counterparts.There are many who think that being an extrovert is a personality disorder, but is only one type of personality that a man can have.

We must understand that we all traits and both introverted extroversion. The dominant form is the individual nature. An individual who displays similarities extrovert personality when he is in the bosom of his family, may not behave the same way when it comes to office colleagues. Concepts such as extrovert’s are happier than introverts is a myth, because both groups have different sources of happiness. Introvert the same amount of happiness they get by reading, for example, and an extrovert by riding to a party. Dominance of each of the traits may have its own advantages and disadvantages, and therefore must find the right balance for a happy life. 

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When I failed in challenges, I would chide myself for being too stupid to be able to complete even the simplest of tasks.  If I faced difficulties, I would ask myself if I was weak-willed and that I am not able to persevere. If I noticed friends starting to ignore me, it is always me blaming myself for what happened.

I became a loner. I shied away from people, tried to exert myself in less mentally challenging tasks. I do not always talk aloud but most definitely I am always at constant dialogue with myself. (I learnt later on in life this is also called inner-talk). Despite the constant chattering within myself, I became an introvert.

Are you like me, at least the old me? We belittle ourselves a little, and begin to listen to our own lies. When these lies are fed, they grow and cripple us. As I grow older, I realized that we are people who talked ourselves down even though no one is actually belittling us, or even too bothered about us. Sure, our parents dote and care for us, and they still do. They won’t know the pain we subject ourselves, at least most of the time.

So how did I get out of the rut? I started to read books about self-help, self-talk, and the more I read the more I am convinced that there is nothing wrong with self-talk. What was wrong was that my self-talk had been primarily negative self-infliction. So I found my answer: To talk to myself more, much more. The only condition to the talk is to allow myself to receive (from myself) positive strokes or affirmations.

So, I started to (learn to) affirm myself positively. To build my confidence, I started doing easier tasks. Easier tasks are easier to accomplish, and my confidence grew. With renewed confidence, I am able to reach out and connect with others better. I realized that the people around me hadn’t changed, I did. The change in me allowed me to see the world in a different perspective, a better one. Change is definitely easier when it starts with me.

If you are an introvert or someone who down-talk yourself, learn from me. If you talk to yourself a lot, remember, the solution is to talk to yourself more. Just change the tone. Treat yourself right. If you don’t treat yourself right, why would others? Stop hurting yourself. You will hurt those who love you too to see you in this state of mind.  I did it. Trust me. You can too!

Er….Hello, hello, anyone there? For crying out loud, am I talking to myself again?

(Afternote: If you prefer to remain an introvert, you might want to consider writing instead, just as I am writing now. Now no one knows I talk to myself, except you. Shhh  …keep secret for me. If, like me, you talk to yourself a lot, why not join me in Triond and journey together. The companionship will be appreciated, and I will keep our self-talk a secret between the two of us.)

With the advent of technology and more importantly a shift in social lifestyle among various cultures, the level of extrovert behavior noticeable in individuals has certainly increased. With social networking sites such as Facebook, Orkut, MySpace, Twitter etc. that have recently sprung up, one finds it very difficult not to display some extrovert behavior. This is because the advantages are endless, an individual can have a healthy conversation with almost anyone with access to the internet and that individual will not have to give away their personal details. These online confrontations then trickle down to everyday situations where that individual becomes more receptive towards people and in a way tries to be a part of any conversation. This however does not imply that no introverts are left. There are still many people who will find the company of books, movies, multimedia games or any other solo activity more engaging and preferable than being amongst a crowd. Some of the behavior traits of both introverts and extroverts will be helpful in analysis.

Behavior traits of Introverts:

1.      Avoid social contact

2.      Engage in solo activities

3.      Reserved of judgment

4.      Shyness

5.      A highly small and carefully selected social circle

6.      Headstrong

Behavior traits of Extroverts:

1.      Prefer social contact

2.      Enthusiastic

3.      Energetic

4.      Talkative

5.      Assertive

6.      Open to criticism

By listing traits one can make a character sketch of an individual. However many people have both introversion and extroversion present. So the main thing that comes to analysis is that what can be a suitable concoction of introversion and extroversion which can be fully optimized by an individual. There is no fixed formula present and as every individual has his/her own unique way of thinking so the varieties can be endless. Adjustment in behavior becomes the name of the game. If one is tilted more towards being an introvert then the Intelligence Quotient (IQ) may be on the upper level but there will be a negative impact on the Emotional Quotient (EQ). This type of individual can then utilize virtual social networking in order to gain more confidence in interpersonal communication. A person inclined more towards extroversion can be at the mercy of people who might bear ill will and may try to use any form of information against that person. Some introversion becomes helpful because then you are more careful in selecting your friends and would be more wary of that “open door” policy which can harm you. These are just some examples. The main thing to be taken from this is that one should be capable of customizing his/her personality in a way which borders on a middle path rather than an extreme one.         

Do you often gaze at those basking in the centre of attention and wonder how they do it? Do you crave the courage to speak up when you feel it is right? Have you ever hesitated to make a joke just in case nobody laughs? We all have. We all fear being in the spotlight sometimes. The depressing truth however is that we have to take risks in order to progress. For some of us, such a prospect is far too daunting to attempt. I know. I used to be as meek as a mouse. 

I cowered helplessly before the spotlight and evaded communication where possible. As you could imagine, it wasn’t easy to enter an environment where one is required to conquer embarrassment. I started small, only taking on minor roles with few lines and limited actions. Once comfortable within the acting environment, I developed more interesting characters and took on increasingly significant parts. I found pretending that I was somebody else one way that I could become an extrovert. It wasn’t me; it was some random person I was pretending to be. Well, I became that person, and I didn’t have to be acting anymore to entertain people. 

Take it from somebody who has battled the low self esteem monster, and won. Once you have squirmed and squealed on the floor, portraying the heart wrenching agony of a dying pelican to a rather amused and critical audience, these other things don’t seem quite so difficult. I highly recommend joining a drama group if you want to come out of your shell, and no longer fear what others think of you. Sure, it won’t happen overnight. It might take a little while to become comfortable with your peers, and it won’t be easy the first time you’re asked to do something that you might consider embarrassing. However, when everybody around you is acting in an equally silly fashion, I believe it makes the transition easier. There is no harm in trying. Be the pelican!

                In fact, being an extrovert is more about not thinking than it is about anything else!  Consider this: do you want people to recognize you because you do the things they want you to do, or would you rather have genuine popularity because people like you for the things you already enjoy doing?  Chances are, anyone who judges you for what you do doesn’t really care about what you do, they are judging you because you’re insecure about what you do.

                So change isn’t really the answer to conquering insecurity.  At least, not in that sense.  There is, however, a change to be made, obviously.  I’m sure you’ve heard it before, that you need to “just be yourself,” and “just relax.”  While these things are true, there are still some practical things you can do to helping you let go.

                So, following are some important steps for conquering insecurity, and just generally being an extrovert.

                Priority number one for becoming more outgoing is losing your sense of dignity.  As weird as it sounds, you actually need to deliberately set aside any consideration for how people think about you.  At first, people will think you’re weird, and you’ll get a lot of funny looks.  During this stage, there is a very large change being made, and you’re not totally being yourself.  It’s important to deliberately do stupid things.  Popularity is the sort of thing you can only acquire by not caring.  And this is how you train.

                Once you feel thoroughly comfortable doing stupid things in public, it’s time for step two.  Step number two in being a social person is to relax.  Putting yourself in the situation of doing crazy things deliberately is good for you, and will teach you how to be an extrovert, but you want to be comfortable with you are.  So while being crazier than you feel like being is a temporary step, it’s a means to an end.  The end being becoming more social, but doing it in a way you enjoy.  So once you’re comfortable with the craziness, focus on saying whatever you feel like saying (social inhibitions are not our friends,) but don’t worry about appearing crazy any more.  You’re done with that stage.

                Once you’re comfortable with yourself, it’s on to step three.  Step three in becoming an extrovert is to extend your interest to other people.  In fact, most leading psychologists agree that the number one thing people like to talk about is themselves.  Now that you’re comfortable with yourself, people will open to you.  So ask some questions, be a good listener.  By this point, you should be comfortable enough to tease them a little too.

                And those are the steps.  I hope this article helps you cut loose a little more and just generally with how to be an extrovert.  If you liked it, be sure to visit my website.  Also, you can use my links page to see my other articles!

Okay, I knew she was just trying to help.  All my life, I had never been able to talk to someone without anxiety.  Truly, it felt like I was trying to talk underwater with an invisible force holding my mouth shut.

Losing my shyness was always nice to fantasize about.  Over the years, I had always comforted myself with the vague hope that one morning I’d wake up and be cured.  But after twenty plus years, that magical morning still hadn’t come. 

I couldn’t lie to myself any more.  That was when I thought—no, I knew—that I had less chance of becoming a brazen, unabashed chatterbox than Buffy had of eradicating all vampires off the face of the Earth.  Or less chance than the Catholic Church has of getting a female minority Pope.

I was at the dead-end.  Was I was doomed to the dull, gray, lifeless existence of wallflower-ness. Those uncomfortable evenings standing in the corner by myself, trying to pretend like I was having a good time.  Desperately longing for someone—anyone—to come and talk to me.  Unfortunately, if someone did stop to talk, I could barely talk or even listen, as fear would paralyze me (”social anxiety”). People would sense my discomfort and pull away.  I felt sick at how the rest of my life would be filled with more of this torture.

I had to do something.  Period.  I read about how shy people don’t just “snap” out of it, but must practice relentlessly to change their thoughts and behavior (”behavior modification”).

This “practice” sounded somewhat like how actors like Johnny Depp immerse themselves in a new role—how they completely become that person—appearance, movements, speech, mannerisms, etc.  It’s a tried and true strategy that’s been around for over 4,000 years.  I could do this, I thought.  I could become the person I wanted to be. 

So I needed a role model to copy from.  There were so many to choose from, so I finally decided to pick qualities from a few of them.  From the Harry Potter series, I chose three. 

First, Hermione, the logical rebel.  She has so much intelligence and utterly dead-on common sense that no one can successfully argue with her impeccable sense of right and wrong.  This includes her refusal to let her friends lie to themselves, nor to let anyone in power lie to others. 

Second, Luna Lovegood, unabashedly quirky and unflappable.  When someone insults or laughs at her, she merely sees how insecure they are, and, without missing a beat, continues, “Okay, so as we were discussing like the adults that we are ….” 

Third, Ginny, so confident and matter-of-fact that she wields power naturally, and is a lot of fun. 

I also chose Holly Hunter, consummate extrovert who, in everything she does, does it with passion, high energy, unflinching fearlessness, confidence, and in-your-face-if-she-has to.  And I wanted to have her articulate motormouth for party conversations—she definitely has no invisible wires holding her mouth shut.

So what was next?  I was invited to a party the next Saturday—my first big “acting” gig!  But I knew that I had to first immerse myself in my new role.  I had to do my homework.  There was no way I could go “onstage”, ace a demanding role without ever practicing my new lines and moves.

I went home to begin my new life of someone else.  I watched my heroines and took notes.  At home, I practiced walking, talking, and moving like them.  I pretended that I was Holly when I talked to my roommates, Hermione in my arguments, Luna in my defensiveness, and Ginny when trying to lighten up. It felt easier to talk when I was “acting”.  I practiced my new moves and attitudes even while washing dishes.

In the beginning, acting like my role models was difficult because I wasn’t used to opening my mouth, much less “pushing” my words at other people.  Also, I discovered that I couldn’t truly act and say the words without the right attitudes.  Furthermore, in order to have the right attitudes, I had to support it with more positive thinking.  For example, if I wanted to tell someone, “you’ve got it wrong,” I couldn’t say it like Hermione without thinking like, “hey, I’m smart enough to know what’s wrong!”  And I couldn’t tell a boisterously fun story as Holly would, without thinking “this is great!”  The mirror also helped me work out my new attitudes, but it was no substitute for acting around a big social setting.

After a few days of being other people, I needed to practice my new lines and moves in a public place.  Preferably a safe and/or anonymous place full of strangers.  That way, it wouldn’t matter if I made a mistake—because I’d never see them again .  Anonymous, I could even feel safe enough to practice my riskier moves. 

An art gallery reception seemed to be the perfect place, full of strangers, sometimes wine, where everyone has something to say about art. I knew from a friend that many art gallery receptions usually occur on the first Thursday of the month.  They’re always listed in the newspaper—they want people to go and look at the art and, hopefully, buy some.  I knew very little about art, but that wasn’t going to stop me.  I was desperate to move forward with my plan to lose my shyness.

So one Thursday, I found myself in a room full of strangers, standing next to a dark painting with red slashes in the middle. 

Someone behind me asked, “What do you think?”

It’s showtime, I thought.

“Well, you see,” I said in my smartest Hermione voice, “he’s trying to get at something, some meaning, so he puts down all these fragments of meaning to see if he could come up with an answer—you know, like putting two and two together.”

She said, admiringly, “Oh, I love that.  That was great.  Though ‘he’ is really a ’she’.  Let me introduce myself.  I’m the artist who painted that.”

I turned and saw an intense pixie-like girl, long black hair to her waist.

My shyness welled up and tried to tell me that I was going to fail.  But my inner Hermione told it to shut up and leave, then graciously offered my hand to the artist.  My training was working!!!!  The artist didn’t get uncomfortable around me.  After a minute or so, the artist excused herself to greet others.  I tried to talk to a couple of other people, but, exhausted from my first big success, I went home. 

From then on, I started to call my shyness “Draco”, the name of the bully in Harry Potter.  My shyness was, indeed, a bully.

To expand my repertoire, I practiced some of the extroverted moves of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  For my next big public experiment, I went to the party as Buffy.  I tried to say anything off the top of my head without thinking.  I did say a few smart-alecky sounding things, but no one seemed to notice or care, although one of my friends did look anxious for a sec.  But I just pretended I was intentionally being goofy.  And everyone bought it.  My inner Draco kept trying to intimidate me, but my inner Buffy sassed him right back.

The next party, as Holly Hunter, I tried a new tactic.  I just kept asking people questions, for people just love to talk about themselves.  And they thought I was great company just for listening and being interested—enthusiastically, like Holly, of course.

My social fears were subsiding.  I won’t say that I didn’t feel awkward at first.  Or didn’t make mistakes.  But I kept practicing and learning about how to talk to different kinds of people. The invisible force that clamped my mouth shut got looser and looser, and my inner Draco started to give up, talking only in whispers.

My transformation didn’t happen overnight.  It happened little by little.  Sometimes I’d think I would never make it, but then I’d impress someone.  People stopped avoiding me and my anxiety.  Every time I practiced, I got better and more comfortable with my “lines and moves”.  And I began to discover my own lines and moves that had been trapped inside.  I no longer felt dread when invited to parties, clubs, and other crowd scenes.  Instead I began to relish those invitations, looking forward to another chance to practice.  I began to buy some new threads to better immerse myself in my new “role”.  My confidence grew.  I started to get books instead of movies from the library, so I’d have more to talk about. 

Then one day I realized the fear was completely gone.  I had become the beautifully dressed, charming, loquacious person I had always wanted to be.

Epilogue:  Over the years, I’ve also come to realize that socializing takes a lot of energy, so I’ve had to stay in shape.  Also important, I had to reprogram myself to replace negative thoughts with positive, for my inner Draco thrives on the negative and hypercritical.