Lots of people go through abuse in their lives, but abuse is different for everybody and affects people in so many different levels. When it comes down to it, abuse is abuse no matter what, just some abuse is worse than others.  When it comes to surviving violence, especially in childhood, there are always two important aspects considered, genetics and environment. One always has to bless themselves on the good genes their parents gave them, but some are not so lucky. Some survivors of abuse don’t have a good gene base and their environment was less fortunate and don’t make it. Others might have a bad upbringing, but later on, got out of the bad environment and into a good one, thus helping them prevail. Then one has the group with the bad upbringing and the environment does not change, but they struggle and empower through it.

Hearing stories about people succeeding and overcoming adversity is a great value to anybody. I wanted to share some insight on one such man, Gavin De Becker. You might know the name, since he has written many great books on the psychology of violence. The Gift of Fear, Protecting the Gift and Fear Less is his main great books.  Gavin had a tough upbringing with his mother being on heroin and an abusive stepfather, who Gavin witnessed his mom shoot him.  Of course there is a lot more to the story, but you can get the idea. Out of all this hardship, how did Gavin deal with it?

Gavin had some good people take him under his wing when he got older and he ended up running one of the world’s best know, top notch security companies. Gavin has a great passion for learning and recognizing when people are prone to violent behavior. He has had first rate learning through this with his family environment and continued his own education for himself as he got older, thus leading to his own Protection Company and books. Gavin’s company: Gavin De Becker & Associates have protected famous celebrities to presidents. There is no one like him in the world in terms of predicting violent behavior.  People in his situation can only go two ways, up or down the hill. To venture up that hill, takes courage, dedication and termination to never give up.  Gavin was faced with such adversity but choose to stand above it and at all costs, never give up.

An important aspect to Gavin’s philosophy is listening to one’s own intuition.  Most people have lost touch with their own body’s most personal defensive mechanism. Our intuition is always right, but we choose to not listen to it and that gets us in a lot of trouble. Our society does not teach us to carefully listen to your intuition. When our mind is telling us not to do something, we usually do it anyway and end up getting hurt.  These mechanisms are there for a reason and use it wisely. If that little voice inside us is telling us, we better get out of here, you better listen! People battle with this everyday depending on what situations arises in their life.  Reading Gavin’s books can bring a whole twist to the way one perceives the world around them. Having and trusting this insight just leads to a greater knowledge and understanding of yourself and people around you.  Every single person should read the Gift of Fear and for parents, Protecting the Gift. Some books are like water, a must have .

VIOLENCE IN OUR COMMUNITIES: A COMMENTARY

On Friday, February 10th we had another school shooting.  It happened during lunch hour in a cafeteria filled with elementary children happily eating lunch.  All we can ask is why?  The school is about 20 minutes from my doorstep and diagonally southeast as the crow flies.  I know several of the teachers and students that work and attend this school.  We share sports programs and the arts.  It is a good school.  Who would have thought such a tragedy would strike here and with a child so young carrying a gun and somehow getting it past the eyes of a watchful and caring staff.  It is heartbreaking. 

We don’t think of these things happening is small, rural communities like the one I live in or those children live in but it even happens here.  Why?

When I was growing up we only occasionally heard of a murder, maybe a few more robberies and off and on a case of domestic violence but it was rare, very rare, especially in rural communities and we never heard of such violence and tragedy in our schools.  What has gone wrong?

Where are all this hate, fear, bullying, desperation, violence, vengeance and moral decay coming from?  Is there anything we can do to stop it?  God help us.  I sure don’t have the answer.  I wish I did.

Maybe it is the broken families, lack of stability in the homes.  Both parents work, they have to.  They have no choice.  Maybe it is because there is only one parent to start with and you just can’t be mother and father and bread winner all in the same breath.  Parents are pushed beyond their limits and children end up ignored and without the discipline and moral upbringing they need.  We may love our children but we are too busy trying to survive to let them know just how deeply they are loved.  There is very little if any family unity anymore. 

The TV becomes the nanny, the babysitter and it doesn’t teach very high morals.  The same goes for the video games and internet games we and our children play and the media plays their part in the nightly news and the daily paper too as they lean toward scandals, violence and all manner of sensationalism with next to no reporting of the good that happens in the community, State, Nation or the world.  We are being fed a very heavy diet of negative with little to no positive.  Children learn what they live.

Schools push for the competitive edge, win no matter what it takes when it comes to sports or any other competition and academically every child still passes to the next grade and still gets some sort of award even if they haven’t truly learned or earned it…No child left behind.  It is sending mixed signals to the child.  It is okay to fail in one area or another.  Why do my best, be my best.  The effort is a waste of time.  We are all going to get some special award and our diploma anyhow.  So what if I can’t really read or write or even do basic math.  Machines will do it for me.  I don’t have to read a book.  I can listen to it or watch the movie, same difference, right?  Who really cares so long as I’m not in the way?  I don’t have to learn math, I have a calculator that with just the push of a button will give me the correct answer so why study.  Who really cares about the process?

Churches are not much if any better today.  They no longer teach morals and God given laws.  They are politically correct and just about anything goes.  That helps bring more money into the coffers when no one is offended in any way.  Many now speak of God as a higher power, not Lord God Almighty but whatever higher power you choose to believe in, be it the Judeo-Christian God or some other god or whatever power you choose, wind, rain, stars, the moon, the cobra, the cat or a tree.  It makes no difference as long as you believe in something beyond self.  Not every church is this way but a lot are today.  I’ve been there and listened to them.  God forbid we offend anyone and stand up for God and His teachings.  I’m sure God is very offended and that bothers me. 

No wonder children, our young adults don’t know right from wrong.  Oh some will blame it on Satan and his legions of fallen angels called demons (You know, the devil made me do it.) and that may be correct to a point but it is each of us who make the choice.  We decide for our self how we choose to behave.  How can we choose when we are not taught morality in the first place?

We are a society that has become segmented, segregated and morally corrupt.  Drug and alcohol abuse is no longer just ghetto garbage; it is rampant in the highest echelons of our society and affects everyone from the homeless wino in some back alley to the CEO of our multibillion dollar corporations to the government leaders of our communities and nations.  We reap just what we sow. 

It is sad when we see young children becoming so disconnected with reality and life and living and the wonder of being human and alive that they no longer feel life is worth their next breath and they put a gun to their head or their neighbors or peers and squeeze the trigger.  BANG and it is over in a split second.  No more worries, no more fears, no more feeling lost and alone, no more being bullied and belittled, no more nothing.  Is this what our society as come down to?  God, I hope not.

Maybe we shouldn’t have thrown God out.  Just a thought on my part. 

Cyber bullying is bullying that happens through the use of the web and cell phones. It is becoming more popular with bullies as it can go undetected by parents and is easier for them to get away with. Cruel messages or insults can be posted about a person on a website or cruel texts sent to their phone. It is very different from any other bullying as it can go on 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Messages can be sent anonymously through the use of cyber bullying. Bullies now can have control over them at school and at home, many teens and kids feel that they can’t get away from them. They can be unwilling to go to school, have little or no confidence and can even have health problems. They feel trapped, scared, lonely, and sad many kids and teens don’t know what to do.  They just feel like it is relentless.

People who are being bullied are victimized and are in a state of constant fear. They don’t want to go to school and their health may suffer. My cousin Ava who was bullied was forced to put her lunch in the bin at break time. The bullies watched her do it every day. They even told her who she could and couldn’t be friends with. It went on for weeks and the teachers didn’t even know that it was happening. Ava’s parents finally realised what was going on because she used to go home starving. They questioned her and she told her parents what was happening to her, they were outraged what was happening to their daughter. They went into the school to sort it out, after that the bullies left her alone with the help of the teachers and her parents. This is a classic case of bullying, Ava was too afraid to say anything because they threatened her.

If you have been bullied it may affect you in many ways. You may not want to go to school or may find it hard to concentrate on your homework. You may start eating more or less than usual, having a lack of sleep or even getting sick.  You don’t have to feel this way you can do something to stop it. Don’t blame yourself for being bullied; know that it isn’t your fault. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, it helps to talk to people about these issues. Talk to someone you trust like a teacher, parent, friend or even a counsellor. If you are being bullied tell them to stop. Walk away from them, don’t listen just ignore them. If you are being physically hurt try to protect yourself, and try to get away from them. Tell someone you trust that can help you. They will help you deal with the situation and help get the bullying stopped. Stick with friends you trust and know that wouldn’t hurt you.

It takes real patience, compassion and understanding to have genuine love. You see hurt people not only hurt others, they are so afraid of getting hurt they have huge walls up. They think it will fail, they truly dont trust so they hold unto fear.

to be able to love someone you have to let go of the fear. The past and thedistrust. Let the person you are with pave their way, dont make them step into another persons shoes. It isnt fair to them and it surely isnt fair to you.

YOU will deny yourself true happiness if you cant let of of the fear. It doesnt have to be a past love relationship it can be your childhood that created the distrust in someone. That can be the wall that no matter no hard a person tries you wont let them all the way in.

YOU are stopping it. You create crisis when all you had to do was talk. Take some time to listen. Stop being defensive and remember YOU deserve happiness, stop being so scared of getting it.

Yes YOU can be the only obstacle in your way. Let your guard down. let someone in. Dont be anyones fool but give love a chance.

If a person is honest, loving and respectful dont run. Stand still and let things happen. You deserve it.

Dont let your past control your future or your present. Let where it belongs in the past. Let the one you are with pave their own way and stop making them walk in someone else’s shoes.

Dont be afraid of love. Let it happen. The best part of love is being loved in return.

TIME HEALS BUT FORGIVENESS MAKES YOU WELL

I’m along in years now, elderly, and like all of us my life has had its ups and down.  Life is never easy for any of us.  Loved ones leave or die and we feel a horrendous loss like a part of our heart, our life has been ripped right out of us.  Someone gossips about us and spreads rumors without knowing all the facts or twisting truth taking things out of context and injecting their own conclusions and it tarnishes your good reputation.  We over-extend our self financially and end up with financial issues that cause us grief much to our distress and at times, our embarrassment.   

We all sometimes make bad choices or others make bad choices and we get hurt, emotionally, physically, financially and even spiritually.  Sometimes we find it difficult to get beyond the pain, the grief, the hurt, the anger and the frustration that is left behind in the wake of the injury. 

Sometimes we can fix it.  More often we can’t and we have to just pick up the pieces and move on.  It is not an easy thing to do but time heals, if we let it.  This is when you need to truly live just one day at a time; don’t cling too yesterday and don’t project the future, just live today.  It is all we really have anyhow, just today.  We can’t go back and change one single moment of the past.  It is over and done with.  We do not know, cannot know what the future holds or even if we will see a new tomorrow.  None of us know that.  We can hope and dream and even plan for days to come but we cannot know what tomorrow will bring until it becomes today. 

Eventually, after a few days, weeks, maybe even a few months, depending on what the situation is, the immediate pain subsides.  The anger, the feeling of loss or the embarrassment eases and slowly fades into the shadows of your mind.  Time heals but it also has a tendency to leave scars behind.  Too often we find our self hiding behind those scars.  With withdraw into our own shell.  We stop truly communicating.  We over-react to a look or a comment that we might otherwise blow off or simply ask, “Did I hear what I think you said,” and ask for an explanation…and worse we refuse to let go and we dwell on all the hurt.  

Sometimes we even do the unthinkable, what we would not do.  Instead of doing unto others as we would have them do unto us, we do unto others as others have done unto us and the cycle of damage rolls on from person to person and generation to generation.  As long as we allow past injury to dictate our present behavior it will never go away and nothing will change,  It will always be there to haunt you.  They say time heals, maybe, but it sure can leave some ugly scars behind.

It took me a long time to get this, really get this, accept it and put it into practice in my own life.  It is not time that truly heals…FORGIVENESS is the true healer.  It is hard to forgive when you have been seriously hurt.  It is hard to forgive those who have hurt you.  It is hard to forgive yourself for your own wrong doings, bad choices but learning to forgive is the only way you will ever truly heal.

Forgiveness is a whole lot more than “I’m sorry.”  “Okay, I forgive you.”  That is just the beginning.  You may never get an apology but you need to forgive anyhow.

Let me give you an example.  When I was a child and even into my young adult years there was someone who was treating me very badly, saying bad things about me and attempting and occasionally succeeding to do bad things to me.  I feared and hated this person.  I even tried to tell others whom I thought would help and do something about it what was going on but to no avail.  This person wouldn’t do that.

I had misunderstood.  I was the one to blame.  They wouldn’t believe me or maybe they did believe me but couldn’t or wouldn’t accept the possibilities or maybe were too insecure themselves to help. 

For years I feared and hated this person and avoided this person as much as possible.

I would literally quake inside if I found myself in a situation where I had to be alone in this person’s presence.  Eventually I learned to forgive, forgive for my own sake because I couldn’t live with that pain anymore.  I couldn’t live with the fear and the hate and ever truly move on in my life and be happy.  I couldn’t change what had happened.  I couldn’t make this person a better person.  I couldn’t make this person respect me.  I couldn’t make this person love me for who I truly am.  There was no way to retaliate and not bring myself down to their level of wrongness.  There was nothing I could do and it left me hurting and broken until I forgave this person and truly meant it.  You have to learn to love (agape kind of love) the person even when you abhor the behavior.   You have to come to recognize it is not the person you hate, it is the behavior.  Without the negative behavior you could really like that person.  It is love (agape love) that heals and forgiveness that makes you well and the love and forgiveness comes in time.  So I suppose, in a sense of the word, time heals.

Forgiving a person does not mean you ever have to like or trust that person again.  It doesn’t mean you have to be their friend or even be around them.  It doesn’t me that you will forget but you will learn from the past and are better able to keep yourself out of such situations.  It is the forgiveness that actually makes you well and able to truly move on and not let clouds of yesterday darken the sunshine of today.  You can finally dump the garbage and all that old baggage that is making your life painful, sorrowful and stuck in a bad place.  Forgiveness does that.

Not too long ago I talked with this person and I told them exactly how I felt and what their actions had done to me, how it had hurt me all these many years.  I told them I forgave them and even though I loved them as a person I could not like them because of their behavior toward me.  I did not and do not like the behavior and that for a time it had left me very broken.  Unfortunately the person laughed and said. “Yeh, but I enjoyed it and I told you no one would ever believe you.  I made damned sure of that.” 

For just a few seconds I cringed and recoiled like this person had just punched me in the gut.  For just a few seconds I wanted to strike out as venomously as I knew how but I didn’t.  I just walked away.  This person knows my feelings.  This person knows I am no longer holding a grudge or any hate toward them personally and that it was, is their actions and attitudes I hate and will no longer allow to hurt me.  I have forgiven them and shifted the burden.  It is now their baggage, their burden to carry and what they do with it is their problem.  I will probably never forget those injuries from the past but neither will I dwell on them or use them as an excuse for my own behavior.  It is finally over and I am well.

                In such a case the first thing to do is evaluate you own situation. If you feel you are being bullied, then you probably are. There are many types of workplace bullies, but the worst must be the brutish overbearing manager. The reason why I consider him to be the worst is because he holds so much power over you and can really upset your life for you.

                The criteria for being bullied are miles long, it’s up to you to research and find out if you are being wronged, and you deserve to know. For instance, if your boss shouts at you in front of colleagues or clients just because he feels he has a right to, then you are being bullied. When only you or a handful of people get treated in a degrading manner but not your other colleagues, then you are being bullied, and discriminated against. When the first thing you face in the morning is a belligerent boss taking out their home stress on you, you are being bullied and you should take steps to ensure that it stops.

                Being bullied should not be taken lightly. There are many subtle consequences that could change your life irrevocably. Loosing income due to absence and poor health is just the tip of the iceberg. The family is usually the first to suffer and unfortunately they usually suffer the most. If you wake up negative or you don’t want to go to sleep at night because you don’t want to face a new day, then you should realise that there is something seriously wrong. That is no kind of life to live.

                Unfortunately some people are more prone to being bullied than others. This is because one person can hardly afford to turn the whole work place against him or her. So who would then be considered prime bully fodder? Well that’s easy, if you fear you could be bullied, then you can. The reason I say this is because a person that is strong enough to withstand bullying wouldn’t even consider it. Bullies follow a certain path. They choose the quiet and reserved people, because they are so reserved. Bullies hate conflict more than most. They will avoid confrontation and their chosen victims will more than likely be the type of person who refuses to make a fuss. Also people who are low down in the ranks and very dependent on their jobs would be a clear target, which is why it is best not to show you dependence too clearly.

                When you have established your position as that of a bully victim then the only decision is which rout best suits your needs. There are so many ways to stop this menace that once you take the first step it almost becomes funny. The main thing to remember is that you are ultimately dealing with people and you have the same rights as they, if not more so. So, first of all, get your mind-set right. You’re only a victim if you want to be one. Find out about the laws in your country. If you have a HR department, contact them to get the relevant information pertaining to your situation. You could also try your union or a professional councillor to get information on how to proceed.

                One way to deal with the bully is of course to “man up” and face the person on your own. At first this might appear to be impossible, but you mustn’t let your fears rule your life. Scrounge up every last morsel of courage and face your demons. If you record the whole conversation and remember to keep cool, chances are you will shame the offender into an apology and your life might take a dramatic turn for the better.

                Otherwise, use the more formal rout and make a written grievance. Remember that a written grievance should contain all the facts accompanied with dates, times and possible witnesses. When going this way an independent person will investigate the allegation and report the findings to the relevant people. Your boss, or his boss, will then meet out punishment as necessary.

                The reason why we have this problem of people using and abusing other people is very simple. People use other people for certain things; to feel better about themselves; for financial gain; to hide their own incompetence and a million more reasons. The only question that should matter is, are you a victim or not?

If you work for an intelligent competent company they will have no time for irrational behaviour from their managerial staff and will quickly put an end to it. If they don’t, and leave you to the offenders mercy, then they have just proven to you that they do not deserve you and you should take this as an opportunity to move on to greener pastures and remind them of the saying, it’s too late for regrets.

Life is designed to be lived so that we can experience all the wonders around us, and to learn how we can connect to the other elements of our surroundings. When we come to the understanding that our true identity is that of an eternal spiritual being that’s here to temporarily understand  the human experience that we share with other eternal spirits doing the same, then we can not only release the fear of all the worst things that can happen since this experience is like a grain of sand in the ocean of our existence, but we can also release any petty angers that we have toward others for whatever misjudgments they might make in their own personal temporary journey.   

People you know through this life must find different ways to sustain themselves and grow through whatever  career path they select, no matter if it’s a soldier, politician, policeman, engineer, construction worker, or installer of home security systems, they simply want to make the best life they can for themselves and those that are closest to them. Even if we don’t agree or like what it is they do for a living, we have to understand this: what they do for a living is NOT who they are, it’s just what they do, and who they actually are is closer to who you are than what you might think. Deep down we all just want to be happy, and even when we don’t agree with the methods that some people go through to find happiness, the end result is still the same since we share that exact same goals.

The next time you find yourself getting angry at someone, just remember that they might not be as far along on their spiritual journey as you are, and they need to sometimes learn through a few hard knocks that will most often come their way when they are displaying any type of selfishness, and since we know that no single person can exist in a vacuum, then those karmic hard knocks are inevitable.

The next time you find yourself feeling afraid of something, remember this: what’s the absolute worst thing that could come out of what you fear? Most people fear death the most since there’s that unknown factor that doesn’t become apparent until after we’ve passed from this existence, but understand that even science acknowledges the fact that energy never ceases to exist, it only changes form, and since we are all made up of pure energy then we can never die, we only move into our next state of realization.

Many of these religious groups aren’t afraid to define who will make the cut and who will be left behind.  Those doomed to face the apocalypse seem to be out of luck.  However, they are now free to initiate plan B and start a business to capitalize on these apocalyptic predictions.  After all, it wouldn’t be America if we didn’t take advantage of fear in some way or another.  My favorite online business offered to take care of pets for those who were projected to make it to the promise land.  It’s a good thing they didn’t make the cut so they were available to take care of pets for those chosen few while they are on vacation…permanently.  Too bad the fee was nonrefundable.     

The most popular of these doomsday predictions is linked to the end of the Mayan calendar that will allegedly occur on December 21, 2012.  This may cause you to frantically recall your bucket list in your head-adding a few things as you go along or you’re still a little skeptical.  Either way it’s a pretty serious issue-it being the end of the world and everything.  I’m sure the individuals who informed us of this rumor researched it extensively or were even part of the Maya culture themselves.  I decided to look into it a little further and was shocked by what I found. 

I imagined that as popular as this prediction has become, the evidence would be littered across Mayan literature or at least be a buzz in that part of the world.  However, according to an episode of the Madeleine Brand Show on Southern California Public Radio (KPCC), “Guatemalan thinkers insist 2012 is mentioned only once in ancient Mayan texts.  They say the writings actually describe it as a time when the gods will return to earth and there will be a big event or party.” 

Does that mean this day on the Mayan calendar could bring about a new beginning instead of the end of the world?  Why would someone turn something so positive into something so fearful?  It sounds like a great party-I wonder if there will be a cash bar.  How did this ugly rumor got started in the first place? 

In the article “My Psychic Powers at Work: Behold the boldest, most Maya-endorsed predictions you will read for 2012″ in Time magazine Joel Stein sheds some light on the subject.  He contacted David Stuart a Mayan scholar who received the “genius” grant at age 18 to find out the truth.  According to Stuart, ”The end of the calendar is completely made up by people who don’t know anything about the ancient Maya.”      

Jill Replogle of KPBS Public Broadcasting asked Ernesto Arredondo Leiva, a Guatemalan archaelogist, about the doomsday prediction associated with the Maya.  According to Leiva, “This is an Anglo perspective of the world.”  According to Replogle, “He (Leiva) says a couple of misinterpretations and careless predictions have morphed into a 2012 doomsday tale.  That’s mostly thanks to some pseudo-scientific types looking for spiritual support.”  

Was this doomsday prediction just a big misunderstanding or clear ploy to boost ticket sales for the next big blockbuster?  After all, these end of the world predictions do tend to attract quite a following and it gives people of all ages and backgrounds something to look forward to OR complain about.  I’ll be waiting for t-shirts with the date 12-21-12 to hit street venders this fall. 

So there you have it-myth debunked.  Based on the evidence, December 21, 2012 sounds more like a party than an apocalypse.  So how does one go about separating the rumors from the correct predictions about the end of the world?  If you have to ask, you probably already have a post apocalyptic plan in place-no need to fret. 

Like a bad reality show or high school gossip-the drama associated with these predictions can be addicting.  It’s important to retain even an ounce of skepticism as you tune in to the news and remember that in the end these predictions will amount to nothing more than a pop-culture trivia question or the next big movie blockbuster.  In our society, fear still remains the best way to make a buck, manipulating those who are still susceptible to even the craziest of rumors. 

Fear is natural, and although I have had no natural fears for my entire life, not that I have a wife and kids, I feel some semblance of fear about losing them or not being able to save them if they need me to.

Fear is an ally, it is what makes you faster, stronger, mind sharper, and react more precisely.  Fear is not to shut out, it is to be embraced.  Fear is definite when you don’t understand the uncertain.  Death is a certainty, yet everyone fears it, but everyone dies.  It isn’t the act that gives everyone fear, it is the not knowing what will happen after death.

There is no reason to be fearful of death, it is just the next step on the evolutionary life cycle before we enter a new life and a new plane of existence.

Fear is also inevitable, able to be controlled, unlike death.  It is this control that saparates us from the rest of nature, instinctively.

Fear is good, and it is bad.  Without control, we cannot live, we cannot live without being in control.