What better way to make the holidays even more uncomfortable than by giving completely inappropriate gifts to your family?  If you love awkward moments and uncomfortable silences coupled with tension so thick you can scoop it up and serve it like egg nog, check some of these gifts, available just in time for your family gatherings.

Vagisoft Blanket­: I know of no other way to make things awkward at Christmas than the name of this product alone.  While these may just be the softest, most luxurious and most comfortable blankets ever invented, could you imagine giving one of these to your mother?  How about your grandmother?    

Shake Weight: Okay, I already thought the commercials for this product were over the line, but after the recent South Park episode featuring this overtly sexual work out product, there was absolutely no seeing it any other way.  As a gag gift, absolutely.  For anyone sharing your dinner table on Christmas Day, no way. 

Planning helps.  Decide in advance how many functions you want to attend.  Family dinners, Church programs, and charity events are all important, but there are more of them than you can participate in. 

Control the trips and driving. You might wait till June to visit your third cousin who lives three hours away. 

Charities are all around us. The participation in the Boy Scout food drive may need to be two cans of green beans instead of three hours of canvassing the neighborhood unless you have three kids who are scouts. 

Prioritize your activities.  If you are active in Church programs like choir or children’s ministries, you may need to schedule them first.  Don’t plan your Christmas brunch for the morning the children’s choir sings if you are the director.

Money causes stress.  Stretching it at Christmas is exhausting.  Don’t allow yourself to be pressured or nagged into spending more on gifts or activities than you have budgeted.  People rarely remember what they got for Christmas after the wrapping paper has been thrown away.  O.K. maybe the year you got a car you remember, but don’t bankrupt yourself in an attempt to impress someone.  Spending the same amount on each child is a waste, too.  They don’t care how much it cost.

Avoid parties that require a gag gift.  This is a pet peeve.  I don’t want to spend money on a gift that is indecent or insulting for someone I would not give a nice gift to.  The object of this kind of party is embarrassment, and that is another source of stress.

 We expect Christmas to be a time of joy. Decide which parties or activities are the most important to you.  Make your schedule to include only those that you really value.  The rest is clutter that won’t impress anybody and will cost you money. 

And have a Merry Christmas!

Step 2: Roll dark brown clay into a 1/8-inch thick slab on a polypropylene cutting sheet. Cut into circles using a clay knife or round biscuit cutter.

Step 3: Smooth a circle of dark clay over the light-colored clay centers to look like chocolate bonbons.

Step 4: Take “bites,” from each fake chocolate using a staple remover.

Step 5: Place “bitten,” chocolates in the first red, foil-finish, heart-shaped chocolate box. Mark the box with a large, yellow curling ribbon.

Step 6: Melt semi-sweet morsels in a double boiler on low heat. The Pastry Wiz Food Resource Center advises, “Check the temperature of the chocolate. It should register between 86 and 91 degrees F depending on the type and brand…”

Step 7: Make balls of light-colored fondant and cover them with real, melted, semi-sweet chocolate.

Step 8: Place real chocolates in the second red foil-finish, heart-shaped box. Mark the box with a red curling ribbon dangle.

Step 9: Use each fake chocolate as a holder for a trick candle. Light the candles and carry the chocolate box to your friend. Fake surprise that the chocolates have been bitten. Watch while your friend tries and fails to blow out the candles.

Step 10: After the third failed attempt to extinguish the candles, bring out the real chocolates and give your friend a well-deserved hug. Display the fake chocolate candle holder every year for April Fool’s Day.

Skill

• Easy

Things You’ll Need

• 2 red foil-finish, heart-shaped chocolate boxes
• Marzipan or fondant
• Semi-sweet chocolate morsels
• Trick candles
• Dark brown and light tan clay
• Staple remover

Tips

• When the Gregorian calendar was introduced, New Year’s Day was moved to January 1st. Many people did not get the news or simply refused to accept the change, which lead those who were “in the know,” to poke fun at those who continued to treat April 1st as the beginning of the new year, according to Wilstar Greetings owner, Jerry Wilson. This prank candelabra continues the spirit of harmless but irritating fun on April Fool’s Day.

Warnings

• Stand at least arm’s length away when presenting this gag.

Reference

• Pastry Wiz: How to Melt Chocolate
• Wilstar Greetings: April Fool’s Day History

After the long plane trip and a wake up shower, Fred took me out for a meal and a short stroll around so I could get a sense of direction in the area. He had been in Greece for several months working on the 2004 Athens Olympic games, so he had the basic ropes down fairly well.

I can remember going to some giant warehouse place not unlike Sam’s Club just after Christmas with Fred so he could stock up and maybe look for some Christmas gifts to send back to the states to his children. As we wandered through the aisles, I heard him thinking out loud, “I need a gift for Lois…what am I going to get her?”

Lois is Fred’s ex-wife, and they remain on pleasant terms because they’re adults, and they have children and grandchildren who don’t need to see them fight. Fred’s not the fighting type of person anyway; he’s the most calm and docile person I’ve ever met, which is why we get along so well.

It suddenly hit me what Fred should buy for Lois: a box of instant mashed potatoes! It was sheer genius! I’m sure you’re thinking, “What the hell is wrong with you?! Instant mashed potatoes are NOT a gift!” Maybe in traditional families that would be true, but Lois is different and there’s a story you don’t know about. Yet.

It was rainy and cold that weekend and we were sitting inside Fred’s small, cramped Athens apartment. He was telling me about how he had called home on Thanksgiving to talk to his children and grandchildren. Then his face lit up and he began to laugh like hell as he recounted an incident that had taken place.

His daughter was hosting the Thanksgiving dinner and it was a bit of a potluck style in which everyone brought a side dish or dessert. Lois dug into her cabinet and pulled out a box of instant mashed potatoes, whipped them up, and brought them along. As the kids and grandkids began to eat, they avoided the mashed potatoes. It seems they were the wrong color – somewhere between a yellowish green and smelled odd. The kids gently started asking questions about where the potatoes had come from.

Lois had a old, long expired box of mashed potatoes, but she didn’t want to throw them out. My understanding is she came from a family that never had much, so there was no such thing as wasting food. Amongst the kids it became a funny, private joke quickly forgotten after the meal…until I reminded them.

I’ve got a good sense of humor – I like a good gag as much as the next person, and pulled my fair share of them. I’ve driven off with a friend’s parked car and moved it to another spot. I’ve served tea with a day old newspaper that had already been read by the person. “HEY! You asked me if I wanted to read the paper, and it is yesterday’s edition!” I never said I was giving them the current day’s edition. I’ve told friends to serve other friends cheese (you know who you are) for their birthdays when that friend looks at cheese like Superman views kryptonite.

Wandering around the warehouse shopping place, the perfect gift had suddenly hit me. “Fred, get Lois a new box of instant mashed potatoes. She’s out and definitely needs one for next Thanksgiving!” Fred broke out in hysterical laughter in the shopping aisles, not aware of all the quiet Greeks looking strangely at us, trying to figure out what was so funny. He loved the idea and took me up on my suggestion as a gag gift.

If memory serves me right, the kids received a care package from Greece in mid January, and they loved their presents. Then Lois opened hers. “Instant mashed potatoes??” None of them got it at first, but later on the kids put it together and it became a private joke. I don’t know if they ever let Lois in on it, but it was the source of laughter for quite some time.

Fred’s eating at Lois’ house this Thanksgiving this year. I hope she isn’t serving instant mashed potatoes, but either way I sent him a text message warning so he can avoid food poisoning.

quazen.com articles by this writer can be found here
socyberty.com articles can be located here
relijournal.com articles are here
picable.com photographic images are here