Since we haven’t been trained in how to actually defuse the situation, we frequently become part of the problem in interpersonal relationships rather than helping devise a solution.  This happens because we lack essential skills or we lose perspective and let the other person goad us into the conflict.  Think about the following scenarios and see if you can spot the difference between being part of the problem and not.

1. The other person gets angry and you immediately retaliate and/or defend yourself.

2. The other person gets angry and you ask them to tell you about it and you listen.

As I’m sure you can tell, example number two is the more desirable behavior and will get you far better results.  There is a myth that we have to fight to the death for our point of view and deny others theirs but, in practical terms, this only perpetuates a communication style that continues the conflict because it never resolves the underlying issues that feed the situation.  We stumble from conflict to conflict hoping they’ll go away or looking forward to the next one but never actually fixing our conflicts.  I much prefer a scenario where we actually make the conflict go away by resolving it.  This is possible by practicing some common-sense skills that too often get lost in the midst of all the shouting. 

One of the best ways to reduce confrontation is to simply listen. The world is not going to end if you don’t retaliate or fight. In reality, you actually connect more with the other person if you just listen to them. You also benefit from not having to fight and you get to relax more.  When you listen it doesn’t mean that you agree with the other person, it just indicates that you are willing to consider the other person’s point of view.  Listening is a powerful skill for defusing conflict because it makes the other person feel important.  People tend to explode or talk with great urgency because they are used to people cutting them off.  When we don’t cut them off they can tell us what’s bothering them and then we can work together to actually find a solution.

The next skill is to not become defensive.  Many people think that the only way to deal with conflict is to retaliate.  This approach rarely fixes anything and often escalates the situation.  If your goal is to actually resolve things then it is helpful to rein yourself in and not go on the offensive.  The reason we react defensively is that we feel attacked when others are in conflict with us, we take it personally.  In actuality, people get upset for any number of reasons and it is usually about things that are going on inside them.  Next time you are in a conflict try a different approach.  Take some time to consciously listening to the other person or calm yourself down by breathing or counting.  When we remain composed, we don’t add fuel to the fire and our interactions tend to go in a more positive direction.  Even in the face of active conflict, if we simply take a breath and let the other person process what’s going on inside them we greatly increase the chances that they will calm down.  In general, people aren’t furious at us, they are simply working on their own issues and we happen to be in the vicinity.

People like to be valued and listened to and they are much more likely to work with us to resolve problems if they see we are not going to trample all over them or become defensive.  The next time you feel a clash coming on, try listening to the other person without commenting, editorializing, offering your opinion or going into defensive mode.  By practicing these basic skills you will be setting the foundation for improved interactions in the future.

What do you have to lose besides the conflict?

The word always may not be a root cause for the differences but it is certainly a fuel to ignite the fire, keep the fire burning for longer. 

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The word “Always” pronounces the facts (blames) derived from past experiences of the user and not on experiences of listener, where as the fact could be totally different than what these two are talking about. Whenever, the word “usually” is fixed to a sentence, it becomes direct blame and leads to a quarrel. The listener feels it’s not just the present situation, but the past too is being discussed/ argued. The listener will get into a protective mode and might start giving explanations about the past instances/ or may get mad that you are dragging old fights into the present. To make a long story short, it’ll lead to uncalled for reaction and hurt feelings. 

You always do this to me.

You usually leave your dirty socks on sofa.

Every time I clean up the carpet, you drop some thing over it.

You usually linger around and waste time. Then you get late for your appointments.

You always forget to bring the grocery but never the beer.

You always overcook the chicken, when you know I want it just done.

You usually forget your keys at home.

We always get delayed because of your make up.

Every time I plan to visit Mom, you have some urgent office work.

Do any of these sound familiar? Try using these sentences without the words usually, always or every time. You’ll save yourself and your partner a lot of heartache.

• Why are you doing this to me?
• You have left your dirty socks on the sofa.
• I just cleaned the carpet, and you dropped food over it.
• You wasted time and now you are late for your appointment.
• You forgot to bring the grocery but bought the beer.
• You overcooked the chicken, when you know I want it just done.
• You forgot your keys at home.
• We are getting delayed because of your make up.
• I had planned to visit Mom and now you have some urgent office work.

In all of the above instances, you’ll notice that when you remove the words always, usually and every time, then what you are dealing with is the present problem or situation. And so you won’t be discussing older issues. This should reduce half the stress that could have been created.

Next time, whenever you get into a ‘not-so-agreeable’ discussion, try not to use the words usually, always and every time. Remember to simply ignore them if used by the opponent.  You’ll notice the difference. See whether the discussion turns into a quarrel. More often than not, a fight can be avoided if you avoid these words.

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This question arises several times whenever you come across any kind of fighting. Whether, it is the fight between USA and Afghanistan, China and Tibet, Israel and Palestinians, India and Pakistan or between any two people. At whatever level the fight is, the reason is only one.

The reason, which is common to all kinds of fights, it is just that it changes its form. It can be money, power, land, religion, etc. whatever the form it takes it will not change its identity.

The real reason behind the fights is the feeling of superiority. The tendency to dehumanize others is the real reason. A normal person cannot inflict pain to himself or to his loved ones.

But,

How can he give pain to others?

How can he differentiate between people?

We all had born with similar anatomy. Still, we protect some people while we do not mind to kill others.

What is the reason?

Answer is just one; we dehumanize others whom we do not like. It is just to make us feel that whatever we do is right. It is to convince our mind and soul that the person is not a human and hence giving ourselves the right to manhandle him.

This feeling is very important to create in our mind if want to live after committing heinous crimes and failure to do so will cause depression, mental breakdown or even suicide. It is because once we realize that the other person is human we will start comparing him with ourselves and in a way we start loving him.

For whatever period the hatred arises, even if it arises just in our mind, it is because of this reason only.

A mother will beat his child only when she considers that he is wrong. When she thinks that, her child is still not a perfect human. It is then that she beat her child because she feels that beating will make her child a better human being. In a way, she dehumanizes her own child and hence beat him/her. However, later she might repent for what she has done when she realizes that he/she is her child only i.e. a human only.

We think that if the person is good to us only then he/she is a human being else he/she is not a human being.

Therefore, if we want to stop crime, we have to stop dehumanizing others.

But,

How the feeling of dehumanizing others prevented?

The feeling of dehumanizing mainly comes when we are angry with someone. So, if we have to stop this feeling then we have to stop getting angry.

If, you cannot control anger, do not worry, there is one more solution. Just remind your mind repeatedly that:

Everyone is a human being.

Everyone has the right to live.

I will not dehumanize anyone.

Just keep on repeating whenever you are not working. After some time you will really see the change in yourself.

For more articles that are similar, refer:

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3. Corporal Punishment: Good or Bad: Societal changes have occurred.
4. How to Make an Enemy Your Friend: A must article for everyone. It tells the important way to solve the problem of generating enemies, especially if you are a good person.
5. Attacks of Terrorists on Mumbai-a Question to Politicians: With recent attacks of terrorist on Mumbai, I have a question to ask. A question, which needs to be answered to maintain the integrity of India.
6. Rioters of Maharastra: For what purpose are these rioters rioting?