“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” We all have said that on the schoolyard as children. Little did we know that there is more truth in that silly school-time rhymes. Words have an amazing power to either lift each other up or cut us down depending on how they are used. King Solomon once wrote “The tongue has the power of life and death.” Sometimes it is hard to know how much a simple word or phrase will have on someone. Dr. Gary Chapman says in his book “The Five Love Languages” that “verbal compliments or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of loves.” When we are in a relationship, we want our loved ones to feel loved and not put down.

Everything you say (and how you say it) has an effect on someone. What I mean by how you say it is that if you tell your spouse thank you but say it in a sarcastic manner, it would have the same effect as if you had said something negative like “About time you did that.” There are times when we interpret the things people say, not just our spouses, based on the tone of voice that is used. Expressing love uses kind words. The same statement could have multiple meanings depending on how it is presented to our loved ones. Something that could be said in a joking manner could be taken to heart and hurt the feelings of the person you love without your meaning it too.

When you say things in an honest and kind manner it would be taken as loving, but if it is present in a snarling mean tone, it will be taken with hurt and anger. When you say things in honest tones you are conveying that you need to be known and heard. When you express your feelings in a kind voice it is taken as an expression of love. But when it is done in a harsh yelling voice it will not be seen as an expression of love, but an expression of condemnation and judgment. Some of the things you say and how you say them can strengthen your relationship or it can damage your relationship. It depends on how you express yourself. How we speak is incredibly important in our communications. A loving relationship seeks understanding and does not strive to prove your own opinions are the only logical way of doing things. Dr. Chapman states further in his book The Five Love Languages: ”love does not keep a score of wrongs. Love does not bring up past failures.” We all make mistakes in relationships and communicating, being in love does not bring up past mistakes but forgives. Asking forgiveness and granting it in a kind loving manner helps our spouses feel loved and cherished.

When we hear words of encouragement and appreciation, we are motivated to accomplish things and inspired to reach for our dreams, especially if those words come from our spouses. Encouragement is to inspire courage in someone, giving them the courage to push past any insecurity to achieve the goals they wanted. In the book The Five Love Languages, Dr. Chapman stresses that encouraging is about empowering your spouse to develop an interest they already have. You cannot encourage your spouse to do something you want to do unless they already have an interest. For example if you “encourage” your spouse to take cooking class and he/she does not want to take it, they may feel rejected and judged. But if your spouse says something like “Maybe I will take that cooking class the community center is giving.” You can jump right in and encourage them like “That’s a great idea. I can help if you would like.” Those words could be what give your spouse the courage to pick up that phone and call.

Encouraging words require you to look at things the way your spouse would, not the way that you would look at the world. Encouragement means that as a spouse we are paying attention to the passions of those we love. With that attention and focus being placed on them and their passions we convey love and devotion. It says “I care and I am with you.” Encouragement helps give credit and praise, therefore love. Encouragement is a way of unleashing that untapped potential in our spouses. Everyone has potential they have yet to unleash, and sometimes it simply takes that one encouraging moment from our spouse to help us let that potential go and achieve everything we are meant and desire to achieve.

Forgiveness is another aspect of words of affirmation. No one in life is perfect. We all make mistakes, and we cannot erase those past choices. What we can do is confess our wrongs and ask for forgiveness when our spouses have done wrong and confess it. We have a choice to either forgive or seek justice. If we choose justice and try to make them pay for their wrong doing, we make ourselves the judge. How can we express our love in loving words when we are judging our spouse for making a mistake? When we seek justice we add to our spouse’s pain and heartache. We should be the person who our spouse could rely on, not the one who judges them.

One of the ways we can deal with the failures of our past and our spouse’s failures is to forgive. When our spouse says “I’m sorry, please forgive me” the best thing we could say is “I love you and forgive you.” We don’t feel to forgive; we forgive to love or love to forgive. Our forgiving words say “I won’t allow that mistake to come between us. I love you.” It causes us to be humble with our spouse, vulnerable with them. When we forgive we should offer it in kindness and love. We shouldn’t bring the past back in arguments, but leave it in the past. When we bring a past mistake into the present it only says that our spouse was not indeed forgiven and will only cause more pain.

When we ask something of our spouses, we should make requests rather than demands. When we demand something of our spouse we place them lower than ourselves instead of equals. We need to know about one another’s wants and desires in order to love one another. How we express our desires is important. Intimacy is lost when we make demands instead of requests. When we make our desires known as a request such as “I love your back massages, could you give me one please” helps our spouse know how to build that intimacy between us. Making demands only destroys that intimacy we want to build.

When we make loving requests we are affirming the values and abilities of our spouses. We are showing them that they have we find meaningful and worthwhile to us. Demanding our spouses to do something turns us into tyrants, not lovers. It shows we don’t respect our spouse enough to kindly make a request. Saying something like “looks like I won’t get to have movie date until the kids go to college” only makes your spouse feel less than worthy. Instead you could say “It would mean so much to me if we went to a movie sometimes without the kids.” That shows you want to have that intimacy and loving relationship with your spouse and it doesn’t put them down. 

Our words have more powers than we can imagine. The words we use and the tone of voice we use could cause our spouses to feel loved and desired or feel rejected and judged. We want our loved ones to feel loved and one of the ways we do that is with words of affirmation. Our words have so much more power than we think; we can lift someone up or we can really bring them down. What are your words saying to your loved ones? Dr. Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages has been a relationship saver for many people, this author included. Learning what your spouse’s love language is helps you learn how to make them feel loved. Words of Affirmation is just one of those languages. You can learn more and even test yourself to learn your own love language at the Five Love Languages website or you can find Dr Chapman’s book in any bookstore.

Today I will talk about Love Languages. Perhaps you have heard this term before? A Language is a way of communication. Communication is important in relationships. Without communication, a relationship cannot exist. So, what kind of communication do you use when you love someone? When I say love, I don’t mean just romantic love, between a husband or wife, or girlfriend and boyfriend. It can be any kind of love. Between brothers and sisters, mothers and children, etc.

Psychologists have determined there are 5 general love languages. What are they? I will tell you!

Words of Affirmation

Mark Twain once said “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” Verbal appreciation speaks powerfully to persons whose primary Love Language is “Words of Affirmation.”

Simple statements, such as, “You look great in that suit,” or “You must be the best cook in the world! I love this dinner,” are sometimes all a person needs to hear to feel loved.

Aside from verbal compliments, another way to communicate through “Words of Affirmation” is to offer encouragement.

Here are some examples: reinforcing a difficult decision; calling attention to progress made on a current project “You are doing a lot of hard work on this project. Keep up your good work!”

Acknowledging a person’s unique perspective on an important topic. “It is interesting to hear your point of view, I enjoy talking with you”

If a loved one listens for “Words of Affirmation,” offering encouragement will help him or her to overcome insecurities and develop greater confidence. It will help them feel loved.

Quality Time

Quality time is more than just being in the same room.

Its about focusing all your energy on a person. A husband watching TV while talking to his wife is NOT quality time. Unless all of your attention is focused on the person, even an intimate dinner for two can come and go without a minute of quality time being shared.

Quality conversation is very important in a healthy relationship. It involves sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.

A good friend or mate will not only listen, but offer advice and respond to assure their friend or partner they are truly listening. People don’t expect you to solve their problems. They need a sympathetic listener.

Quality activities are a very important part of quality time. Many people feel most loved when they spend physical time together, doing activities that they love to do. This can be playing a sport together, walking, talking, discussing a subject, etc. The list is endless.

Receiving Gifts

Some people respond well to visual symbols of love. If you speak this love language, you are more likely to treasure any gift as an expression of love and devotion. People who speak this love language often feel that a lack of gifts represents a lack of love from their mate. Luckily, this love language is one of the easiest to learn.

If you want to become an effective gift giver, many mates will have to learn to change their attitude about money. If you are naturally a spender, you will have no trouble buying gifts for your mate. However, a person who is used to investing and saving their money may have a tough time adjusting to the concept of spending money as an expression of love. These people must understand that you are investing the money not in gifts, but in deepening your relationship with your mate.

The gift of self is an important symbol of love. Sometimes all your friend or mate desires is for someone to be there for them, going through the same trials and experiencing the same things.

These gifts need not to come every day, or even every week. They don’t even need to cost a lot of money. Free, frequent, expensive, or rare, if your mate relates to the language of receiving gifts, any visible sign of your love will leave them feeling happy and secure in your relationship.

Acts of Service

Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love. Even simple things like laundry and taking out the trash require some form of planning, time, effort, and energy. Just as Jesus demonstrated when he washed the feet of his disciples, doing humble chores can be a very powerful expression of love and devotion to your friend, family member or mate.

It is important to do these acts of service out of love and not obligation. A person who does chores and helps out around the house out of guilt or fear will inevitably not be speaking a language of love, but a language of resentment. It’s important to perform these acts out of the kindness of your heart.

16) Demonstrating the acts of service can mean stepping out of the stereotypes. Acts of service require people to humble themselves into doing some chores. However, these little sacrifices will mean the world to them, and will ensure a happy relationship.

For example, if a friend or parent takes care of you when you’re sick, or picks up some books from the library if you can’t make it in time, won’t you feel loved?

Physical Touch

Many people feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from their partner. From parents or friends, a hug can mean a lot. For a mate who speaks this love language loudly, physical touch can make or break the relationship.

All relationships will experience problems from time to time. In these cases, physical touch is very important. In a crisis situation, a hug can communicate an immense amount of love for that person. A person whose primary love language is physical touch would much rather have you hold them and be silent than offer any advice. Or, you could give them a hug.

It is important to remember that this love language is different for everyone. What type of touch makes you feel secure is not necessarily what will make your partner happy. It is important to learn each other’s dialects. That way you can make the most of love language.

Which language is yours?

• Words of affirmation: I like hearing kind words, compliments, and nice things from others.
• Quality Time: I like hanging out or spending good time with my loved ones, husband or wife, or family
• Receiving Gifts: I feel most loved when I see a visual symbol of love, such as a present or gift.
• Acts of Service: I feel loved when someone does something for me (an errand, a chore, or a favor)
• Physical Touch: I feel loved when someone gives me a hug or shows me another physical example of affection

So which is your language? Maybe you think “I like everything!” True, most of us appreciate all love languages in a relationship. However, usually there is one or two languages that are more significant to us, than the others. Which is yours??

In conclusion, love involves action to support each other unconditionally. The love languages need to practice so you master them. You need to find out the primary love language of spouse first and act accordingly. Then, you can communicate your needs with your partner. Through commitment, communication and practice of love languages with your spouse, you can revitalize your marital relationship. From now on, practice and communicate love languages, you will experience a long-lasting relationship. A loving and caring marital relationship is also a good foundation for parenting.