Or…does it?

There is significant evidence to suggest that Atlanteans not only still exist, but that they control the very fabric of our lives, whether that fabric be silk, cotton, or felt, or any other kind.  Atlanteans aren’t picky- they want to micromanage your soul.

How do I know this?  Well, there’s a few easy ways to tell.  One of the easy ways to tell is that I don’t have half the freedom I did as a child.  Whether it’s crying in public or defecating in my own pantaloons there are a few things I could do at a young age that “social norms” (socialist norms) have prevented me from doing from my teen years to middle age.  This came to me, as I’m sure it has come to you, as a very startling realization.  We are born with unlimited potentiality for freedom which is revoked to us by the socialist indoctrination of our Atlantean puppeteers.  I know they are Atlanteans because Atlanteans are known to have a severe hatred for children.  I know this because the children’s film “Atlantis” sucked.

But how exactly do the Atlanteans control our thought process?  Well, based on their history for having a ridiculously technological society an ignorant passerby might think it was something like a powerful mind-ray or the little flashing gadget Will Smith uses to erase people’s memories in Men in Black.  Please allow me, a very highly educated man (2 semesters of community college), to clear the cloudy skies of confusion in your mind.  Atlanteans have no use for Hollywood technology or death-rays or mind-rays or whatever else I mentioned previously in this paragraph.  Nay, they are much more clever, and much more subtle, than that. 

The answer, my friends is mushrooms.  It is through these disgusting fungi that Atlanteans push their socialist mind controlling agenda on the unknowing scullions of the world.  I pieced this theory (though it isn’t theory, any rational person reading this article can see that it is substantiated fact) together through the painstaking labor known to many as “Super Mario Brothers 3.”  This video “game” is in truth anything but.  In this electronic medium the makers of Nintendo hid a secret message- a message about the hidden agenda of our despotic Atlantean dictators.  When Mario and Luigi- the protagonists of the story- eat a red mushroom, they grow in size and gain amazing strength to fight their foes.  The rest of the story is completely irrelevant.  The message, of course, being that if you eat mushrooms in real life your powers too will be enhanced.  The makers of the video game did this on purpose so they wouldn’t be suspect.  They made it seem that they were making their game as yet another metaphorical string the Atlanteans could use to control our minds.  Little did they know that this is exactly what they would do.

Since Mario and Luigi’s adventures the world’s love for video games has increased exponentially, so much so that we are have essentially degrated entirely into the automatons the Atlanteans hoped we would become.  The Super Mario plan failed entirely.  Instead of creating a world free from the rule of despotic Atlantians we are instead subject to their will more than ever.  We are not led by our leaders in Washington, Beijing, London, or whatever the capital of your respective nation is.  Instead, we are ruled by an elite group of Atlanteans in an undersea lab located somewhere in the Marianas trench (interestingly, not in the Atlantic Ocean at all).  Fortunately, my friends, there is a way out of this predicament.

But I have no idea what it is.