There are so many times that I feel as if I am going insane in my life. There are times that I think most of us feel down and start considering the crazy alternatives that we normally wouldn’t-but we cannot change our feelings on this, just our actions. I am a firm believer that regardless of our feelings we can “fake it till we make it” on a situation. Perhaps it is gradual but just the action of trying to change your outlook can alter your perspective of your life.Mahatma Gandhi once said,”Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed.Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well.” Perhaps this may sound a little idealistic, but I do believe we can change the actions against the “harmony”.

There were over 800000 suicide attempts in 2005; it is said that a suicide occurs in every 16 minutes. Henry David Thoreau said that the “mass of men live quiet lives of desperation”. I think that these suicide attempts and completions are a reflection of Thoreau’s quote.Rather than faking it till we make it, we often just fake it. We often wear the facade of a happy life. Ashamed of the real turmoil we face in our own lives. Haven’t you ever had your mother or a friend ask you how you were and rather than worrying them or exploiting your problems you just simply reply, “I’m fine. Everything is good.” Short, simple, and through the teeth lying.

I suppose this phrase can fall under the category of wishful thinking.We hope our lives are okay, we try to stay positive, and hope for the best. Rather than enacting the awful desperate times we are in, enact that we are great in all aspects. Saying it is not enough; it must be a life style. And as a plus most men and women are highly drawn to positive people. And so when in doubt or depression, change your actions, because you can’t change much else.

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Many would secretly use and then cover it up-some would go on for months without notice, but eventually the truth would come out. I couldn’t help but also notice the comparisons of who had the worst past. Seriously, it was like a competition of who did the worst things. If I ever did half of the things these people would talk about, I would never want it known to anyone. However, on it would go of “well I prostituted myself for drugs,” and then “Well I left my child at a crack house for collateral while I went to steal money.” Then it would be “Well I served 13 years for armed robbery” to ” Well I stabbed someone and got 13 1/2 years for it”.The stories constantly changed and were always dreadful and the lies became endless.And everyone gossiped about everyone.Everyone would “rat out ” everyone to save themselves. One woman who I will call Mattie had a long history with tho house. She had been married to the owner. And she constantly relapsed but was excused by her ex husband. My mother and father once had to go get her from “crack town” and when found was running naked around a field,doped up and ranting.When clean (or at least supposed to be) she would try to manipulate people and then later use them for favors.She would one minute come and tell us about some guy in the house who was using and sleeping with so and so and then two minutes later we’d walk out of the room to see her talking to the guy and being best friends with him. Sometimes this happened so that we would focus on the other person and not them. Some just liked to gossip. And some just wanted to brown-nose to win favor with us so that we would go easy on them.

The girls who came through, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for. They commonly had the hardest time of letting go of their old selves. They would often be passed around by the guys at the house (although it was forbidden to be intimate with other residents), as well as the guys in their AA or NA meetings. It was really sad. What adds insult to injury is the fact that two addicts often have the hardest time making it as a couple due to the fact that if one relapses, the other is soon to follow.

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I have heard that an addict’s maturity level stops at the point that they start using drugs or alcohol. I believe that this is true in many cases. The maturity may stop but the mindset evolves and lingers way past the person deciding to get clean. While using, many find ways to manipulate people into contributing to their addiction, lying also accompanies the habit. People find ways to use others so that they can benefit. These characteristics were often seen in the house. Girls would use men for money, guys would use girls for sex, they would use others for money, and they would use us for a place to stay(in most cases). If they were late on their rent or for curfew-they would lie. If they were using-they would lie. Many truly did act the age that they began using drugs-like teenagers mostly. They would throw the tantrums, break curfew, “love”one person one week and another the next.

And I cant help but say that we were usually put in the position of parenting. We had to discipline, we had to set rules,and we had to use the method of “tough love” and it was all truly because we cared. We often, and might I add heartbreaking,had to throw people out. Some would move out on their own, ready for their new lives; some were successful,others returned, and some died. The deaths were the hardest to cope with. But that is the life of addiction. That is the risk. Those who didn’t die often lived their same old lives of stealing, drugging, and drinking. One man in particular stayed with us for about a year and he was truly a great man and then he relapsed. It went under the radar for a bit but as with all, he gave himself away.Having to put him out was hard-he was a friend. But under the influence he was someone else-he got belligerent and made the process especially tough. A few months later we heard that he drove his car into a tree,drunk. He nearly died. We admitted him back into the house;he had a leg monitor and parole. The stories are endless and all have touched my heart or opened my eyes in one way or another.

This may not be true for all, it is just my personal experience with those of whom I have gotten to know. I truly grew great affection for many of these people but at times felt so helpless because you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves- and this was often the case. Many just used the house to sleep in-no further purpose of bettering their lives and others just used it as a place to parole to. These motives have been seen, however, I hope that the house did bring hope and help to some. If it hadn’t;t then all the long, strenuous hours spent volunteering for that house were worthless. And so I must make myself believe that in caring,in being there, in setting rules and example that some grew in some way for themselves. I would like to end this with the Serenity Prayer that is used in the AA/NA meetings and that I, not an addict, have used multiple times in my life.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

Grant me the courage to change the things I can

And grant me the wisdom to know the difference.

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