MOVING BEYOND DIVORCE

You fell in love (or at least you believed you were) and you got married with every intention of having a happy and full life together.  You are realistic enough to not believe in fairy tales and have no doubt you will have your differences from time to time but you honestly believe that nothing is going to happen that the two of you cannot work out and get through together.  That is the way it is supposed to be, two people in love, pulling together, sharing the weight of all life’s ups and downs, being best friends, always there for each other…and it was like that for a little while; and then the hammer fell and you find yourself standing in a divorce court and suddenly it is over.  You and your spouse are now among the ever growing statistics of the divorced society.

This is no time to play the blame game.  Truth is; it takes two, two people to make a marriage work and two people to destroy it.  Don’t blame third parties if there is a third party, don’t blame your children and don’t blame your extended family.  You and your spouse are both adults; responsible people (who may or may not have participated in irresponsible behavior; we all do from time to time) and need to hold yourself accountable for your own actions and decisions.

Don’t feed on gossip and rumors or allow your imagination to play head games with your emotions.  The bottom line is that the two of you either couldn’t or wouldn’t work out the situation that was pulling you down and in different directions and you both played your part and now there is no fix to it; it is broken and you both need to pick up the pieces and move on…and don’t play the blame game.  You both made mistakes.  Admit it and learn from them.

You were married, partners, a part of each other’s life for a long time and even though you both may agree divorce is the only option for the two of you there is still that feeling of loss, failure, emptiness. You have that torn feeling, like there is a hole in your life that needs to be filled but you don’t know how to fill it.  A part of you is missing, no matter what the situation was that brought your marriage to an end and you into that divorce court and you feel that loss.  That is normal. 

Walking into that house or apartment and knowing he/she is not coming home, (no matter how bad the coming home may have been or the dread of that moment you may have felt before you separated) knowing you will not share another meal or sleep in the same bed again, share any more holidays, ever do those things you once enjoyed together again; is the loneliest feeling I have ever known.  That is normal.  A part of you is missing…but you can rebuild.  Life does exist and go on after divorce.

For the first few days (up to a week or so) you will probably just need to go through the motions of living, make yourself do what you need to do; eat, sleep, care for your physical being, go to work, do your shopping, pay your bills; all those day to day things that must be done.  This is a good time to change your furniture around, pack up or get rid of all those constant reminders of what might have been (your now ex-spouse’s things he/she left behind or special gifts from each other that are sitting there to remind you of the loss you are feeling.  Pack away the pictures of the two of you for now and replace them with something else.)  Take this time to digest the decisions that have been made and take an inventory of what you have left.  It is what you have left that you need to rebuild on.  It is okay to feel hurt and feel sad.  It is okay to feel angry.  It is okay to cry.  Give yourself permission to have those feelings and don’t let anyone tell you that you shouldn’t and to just get over it.  Those feelings are real and it is okay but don’t let them consume you to the point that you can’t or won’t move on. 

Now is the time to pamper yourself a little and push yourself into doing something, anything that is productive for your own life.  Get yourself involved in one of those projects you always wanted and intended to do but never found time for in your married life.  You have time now.  Keep yourself busy and don’t dwell on yesterday.  It is over.  You can’t go back and undo or change one yesterday.  You don’t know what the future may hold but you have today and today you need to make the most of it.  Be creative and set up a new routine for your life including those fun things you like to do; you can rework and adjust it later and you will.  Eat healthy and get some extra rest.  Your life has just taken an emotional beating and needs time to recoup. 

Don’t allow yourself to crawl into a shell of loneliness, shame and failure and sit there on your sofa feeling sorry for yourself while you munch on potato chips, cookies and ice cream and stare at the boob-tube not even comprehending what is going on in the programming.  Exercise some damage control by getting active and involved in your life instead.  You are not the first person, nor will you be the last to ever go through a divorce.  Knowing this may not make you feel a whole lot better right now but knowing others have survived should help you realize you will too.

You are not responsible for your ex-spouse or your ex-spouse’s decisions or actions.  It is no longer any of your affair or business.  You are only responsible for you (and your children if children are involved) so don’t waste your time checking up on him/her or listening to gossip and rumors that only serve to stir up old negative feelings and resentments.  The only contact and communication necessary between you and your ex-spouse are where it involves the welfare of your children.  For now that is all you need to be concerned with.

This is no time to put your life on hold and wait around until you feel better, start feeling happy again.  Trust me when I tell you that there is no fairy-godmother that is going to show up and sprinkle happy dust all over you and make life all better and all that hurt go away.  Your happiness, contentment in life, building a full and productive new life for yourself is up to you.  You have to make it happen.  Get out there and do it.  Think positive and believe in yourself.  It really is not the end of the world. 

Remember the story from your childhood about “The Little Train That Could.” Well that is you, and you can.  You will probably spin your wheels a few times and make a few mistakes on your way back up that steep hill but you will make it to the top if you just keep chugging along and you will find yourself building new strengths and confidence and power and you will make it to the top but only if you believe you can; “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can,” and suddenly you realize you made it, you did it.  Hurray for you.  Good job.

One other very important thing, and I am telling you this from my own experience and learning the hard way, you do not need another special he or she in your life right now to make you feel you “have a life.”  It is good to have friends and share time with friends and family but don’t jump from the frying pan into the fire and couple up with someone, try to build a new relationship right now.  Don’t let anyone try to push you into it or goad you into dates or blind-dates, especially single dating.

Your emotions are still too raw and it takes time to heal.  Loneliness and feeling like you are on the outside looking in can lead you down a very dark road if you let yourself get involved too quickly. 

You are still carrying around a lot of old baggage that needs to be dealt with, dumped and getting involved in a new relationship in the first few months or year after your divorce is a bad decision.  You will carry all that old baggage into the new relationship if you don’t get rid of it first and you will only get hurt and probably hurt that new he or she in the process.  Neither of you need that and it will only serve to cripple or maybe even destroy what might turn out to be a beautiful friendship if you don’t get involved too quickly.  It is okay to have friends, even good, and to share time together; and if you do decide to date, keep those dates in public places and not where temptation can lure you into something you will regret later.  Build on friendships but leave the relationship until later; once you have really got your life together again. 

You don’t need a significant other to live your life or have a life of your own. Now is the time for you to enjoy your new independence, your freedom to be you and involve yourself in those things that make you the person you really are inside.  Go back to school.  Finish that degree.  Get involved in a sport or creative activity that you enjoy, the theater, music, pottery, learn a new language or something else you have always wanted to do, whatever interest you.

Get yourself involved in life outside of marriage again.  Get actively involved in your church or other organization you are interested in, the PTA or school sports booster club, scouting; start enjoying that old hobby you loved but put on the back burner for a time, join the writing group or book club at your local library, the garden club, the community band, choir or theater group, take up skiing, skydiving, go to the gym; make new friends in new circles that bring joy to your life.  Keep the old friends so long as they remain truly your friend, otherwise, there is nothing wrong with distancing yourself from them.  Make your life happen and enjoy the freedom to do so.  However, don’t overdo it.  Don’t stretch yourself so thin that your involvement becomes only superficial and you cannot truly enjoy it.     

Above all, don’t neglect your children if there are children involved.  They are children and your responsibility and their welfare need to come first.  Include them in your life where possible and is appropriate and stay involved in theirs but don’t smother them either to cover up or try to fill your own emptiness.  You can still be a whole family and unless there is a justifiable, legal reason not to, you need to let your children be a part of both their parent’s new life and don’t ever, ever make them feel they are in any way to blame for your broken marriage.  They are not. 

Your children need to know that it is okay to love both parents and be a part of both of your lives no matter which one of you is now the custodial parent.  Children adjust well when it is made acceptable and they are given reasonable explanations, without all the details.  No matter how you may feel toward your ex-spouse, do not cut that person down to or in front of your children or allow others to do that.  That is not acceptable behavior.  Your ex-spouse is still their mom or dad.  They love both of you.  Be glad.

Your “I love you truly, happily ever after” dream didn’t happen.  You’re divorced.  Learn from the mistakes you both made and move on beyond the circumstance.  There really is life beyond the divorce court but it is up to you to make it happen and to live it.

It’s not just adults either. I am sure that you can remember your teacher in school giving you some busy work writing assignment to do before Christmas break. On the big blackboard she would write in big cursive letters, “What is your New Year’s Resolution?” Then you would have the rest of the day to work on it because he/she was on autopilot anyways and you and the rest of the students were pretty much unteachable that close to Christmas.

Because it was that close to Christmas, you knew that Santa was watching and that your resolution list would be one last desperate attempt to prove that you had been good all year. (Statistics show that roughly 11% of children are actually good enough to receive gifts from Santa Claus. The other 89% get gifts from the other big guy in red; Satan.) So your resolutions, written in loopy cursive or big block letters, probably looked something like this:

My Resolution by (Random Kid Name…probably with a simple first name like Todd but has unnecessarily complicated spelling like Ptdaudtd)

1. I promise not to tease my little brother/sister cuz it makes mom mad.
   (Not because you shouldn’t be messing with someone that will eventually get older, smarter, and know where and when you sleep. No, it’s because it makes Mom mad/drink/cry/distant)
2. I promise to try to keep my room clean so mom doesn’t have to yell at me to do it.
   (Oh and I’m a kid so I feel like I am entitled to everything but with none of the responsibilities. Life was so much simpler then.)
3. I promise to feed Finneas and Mr. Fish every day.
   (Both fish were dead before the ink dried on the period of this sentence.)

My point is that those resolutions don’t seem to get any better as life goes on.  Sure, the individual promises are different because most people don’t need to quit smoking when they are eight years old. But what tends to stay the same is the amount of actual intent. If it’s January 2nd and you see a dog running around with half mud and half soap suds then you will know it’s because some kid made a resolution to bathe the dog but barely cared enough to complete it…once. This is the same reason people have old boxed of Nicotine gum in their cabinets and dumbbells gathering dust in the garage.

There is no extra ability given to you on January 1st that wasn’t there on December 31st. Some people are into the symbolism of the new year and feel somewhat imbued with the spirit of a new year. They call it a rebirth and a new chance to achieve your goals. If you are a person that truly feels like you can accomplish feats you didn’t think you could because of the new calendar year then best of luck to you. You probably do feel a weird pep in your step on January 1st. Most people are doing it just because it’s the thing to do. “People have made New Year’s resolutions for years so I am going to make some as well.”  Fitness centers bank on it. Wal-Marts and Targets plan ahead for it. But they too know what I am talking about.

Why else do you think that talk of quitting this or that and shedding pounds stops by March? Is it because St. Patrick’s Day is way more important than fighting obesity? It’s because retailers realize that by March 70% of people will have given up their resolutions and gone back to what they were doing before. If people are going to make drastic and positive changes to their life they aren’t going to wait for a dark, cold, and depressing time of the year. They are going to do it when they finally feel the necessity to do it. I quit smoking in October…on a Thursday. I didn’t wait until a Monday or a holiday. It just needed to be done and I did it. If I had waited until January 1st to stop then it would have been that much harder because I would have been that much more addicted.

It also probably wouldn’t have worked because I would have relied heavily on “resolution magic” instead of what really got me through it which was sheer willpower and a wonderfully supportive girlfriend. I guess, to summarize…resolutions most of the time are ineffective because they are predicated on bullcrap. They are usually shallow attempts at a forced goal that were created due to a feeling brought on by the start of a new year and possibly Jagermeister. The addictions, attitudes, biases you had on New Year’s Eve still exist on New Year’s Day because they have existed for much longer than one night so it stands to reason that they won’t go away in one night nor will you suddenly have the power to defeat them in one night. The power is in you. If you want to quit this, lose that, fix this, adjust that…then do it. Do it right now. Do it because you know you want to and because you need to. But don’t resign yourself to “trying.” If you are going to do it then know you are going to do it. Don’t try to lose weight, know you will lose weight. Don’t try to quit smoking, just quit and don’t look back. Don’t think that because it’s a new year that it’s the only time you can pull this off. If you truly have the desire, the calendar has nothing to do with it. You are what will make it work whether it’s January, May, July, or October.

Make every day your resolution to be a better you.

WORDS CAN IMPRISON PEOPLE

When I was a student, one of my teachers told me that I would never amount to anything. He did not use those exact words but that is what he meant. I have never forgotten what he said but I did not know at the time that he was actually trying to imprison me in some way. Some of us have had people do some pretty nasty things to us in our lives but I think one of the nastiest things is to judge someone and make a prediction that they are going to fail. These kinds of evil deeds are very subtle and most of us don’t know when it is happening. Some times people fail, simply because someone has made them fail through their words. Words can be very powerful because they can build someone up or destroy them. It is not the “exact” words that either deliver a healing touch or an evil blow. No! It is the spirit of the person behind those words. Communication is a impartation of attitude and if you are spiritually sensitive you ought to be able to tell when something is wrong, even though it appears so right to you and everyone else. So, what has this got to do with clothes?

CLOTHES ARE PUT ON FOR APPEARANCE

Someone has told a young man that he is never going to amount to anything. How is he going to react? Maybe he can resist it and spend the rest of his life trying to prove that other man wrong. Can’t you see how subtle the imprisonment is? If you do this, you are no longer living for yourself but wasting your time trying to prove something to someone who you don’t even like anyway. Why do you need his approval? Why do you care about what he thinks? Let go of it my friend! Strip naked in front of your mirror, your wife or your best friend and tell them “this is who I am and I am not ashamed!” I am sorry that in most countries we can’t legally do this on the street so we have to settle for the next best thing. 

WHEN WE HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE WE ARE ACTUALLY WINNING

I don’t care who reads this. I am actually writing this for myself as well. I feel that writing this way can be a form of release for me. Right now I have so many things to live up to. I am far more successful than I was many years ago and I feel my responsibilities are very great. I feel that certain people are expecting me to maintain my position in the food chain and become even more successful. It is as if I am not allowed to fail. To me, this is also a kind of imprisonment. I am going to try to strip naked over the next few days and shed some skin. I want to lighten my burden, take off the clothes that are suffocating me. How can I get back that feeling of being in a place where I have nothing to lose? I want to find that place again because I feel I am wearing far too many clothes right now.

The past year has been a time of growth, self discovery and
transition. At the end of this process I have had the good fortune to find a
job that I really wanted and look forward to working in. When the time is right
pieces fall into place and there are no stopping things once you pass through
the open door. Being busy packing, sorting and tying up loose ends I feel some melancholy
knowing that friends and family connection will be left behind. However being lucratively
employed not too far from the province travel is possible and connections can
be maintained. Being on the island of Newfoundland unemployed has been a
difficult experience. Living through a time of uncertainty has allowed me to
dig deep in my heart and to find my authentic self. Life is too short not to do
that which you love. The old adage of “do what you love and the money will
follow” is true I think. As my son and I embark on this journey to a
better life in an Atlantic province I find myself dreaming of possibilities and
my hope is restored. I can see myself becoming reacquainted with the French
language and embracing a new city where friends and new experiences will be
found. My family unit consisting of my son and our cat Rusty will head up with
hope in our hearts and a smile on our faces. Newfoundland will remain in my
blood but being a Newfoundlander who has lived many years out of the province
this transition is not a difficult one. Cultural traditions remain near and
dear to my heart but I am called to move forward towards career opportunity and
new challenges. Freedom comes with being gainfully employed and one’s life is
truly blessed if you can do what you truly love. As my belongings get packed
and sorted through the essence of our home travels with us. When we arrive in
our new home we will recreate the same home in a new place. I hear the pitter
patter of cat’s paws as Rusty explores around the half packed boxes. Closets
now emptied yawn through open doors and threaten to echo. Paint on the walls reflects
peaceful tones that assisted with the healing process. I will not be leaving
the ocean or cool breezes behind. The Bay of Fundy beacons me and cooler
temperatures will cool my brow during the ride to our new home. One never knows
where our life will take us. We can try to plan and to envision what the future
holds only to find surprises around the corner. I remain a writer with writer
friends at Triond as I resume my career in Social Work from a different
perspective. 2011 is a better year for me and my family. 2010 was a time of loss
and breaking free of encumbrances that did not fit. Now the future lies ahead
and beckons me to move towards it. I am not afraid and I move forward with
renewed hope in my heart and an enthusiasm for living.

All of our life we are cosumed by the fact that we will find true love.  What is true love?  To me true love is being able to sit in silence with someone, not say a word and be comortable with it.  Everyday you hear people throwing out “i love you” just like it is a common phrase to say anymore. 

For myself to love again i must be able to love myself and i am on that journey now.  There is alot to fix with myself emoitionally and physically. 

New Beginnings

New Beginnings

Holding onto the past, keeps us from moving forward in our lives. Clinging to the old because we are afraid of change is something that many of us have done at times in our lives. 

Change can be difficult. It can be scary, but change is sometimes necessary. Change can be good for us.  

In order to move forward in our lives we must free ourselves from lingering regrets, anger, hurt and resentment. There is nothing we can do to change what has already happened. The future however, is our blank canvas. We can start today, painting a beautiful new beginning.

Letting go of the past, and of the negative thoughts and feelings we have allows us to focus on the moment. Focusing on the here and now, keeps us present in our lives. It helps us to be able to appreciate the good things happening in our lives, right now. We can see more clearly the beauty in every day, in every moment. 

Letting go of the past and living in the moment is something that we have to continually practice. With practice it becomes easier to let go of the things in our lives which bring us down and which keep us from embracing the good and from being grateful for the positives. 

There will always be problems in our lives, but we don’t have to let those problems rule our lives. Sometimes, when we are in the midst of a struggle it is difficult to see past it. We can feel safe in the knowledge that this moment will pass, all struggles come to an end and we can take comfort from that knowledge. 

What learning to let go and living in the moment does for us, is allow us embrace the struggle itself. To let ourselves be in it, feel it, and then release it. 

Letting go and living in the here and now, allows us to move forward from the struggles and the pain . It allows us to be able to enjoy our lives more fully, for even within the dark times in our lives there is beauty to be found. There is always something to be grateful for. When we allow ourselves to see beyond the problems, when we allow ourselves  to see the good things and to feel grateful for those things, we can see that there is happiness to be found even when everything is not right or perfect in our lives.  

Each day of our lives is a new beginning. We don’t have to let what happened yesterday keep us from enjoying today. We can let go each day, and we can begin again. 

Written by Angela Ohm 

In The Story of Ruth: Twelve Moments in Every Woman’s Life, Joan Chittister writes, “We learn that loss is simply the invitation to begin another life, to take on the rest of life, to develop the fullness of the godlife within us. In fact, loss propels us into another life whether we want to begin again or not . . . . ironically enough, when all is said and done, we discover that what loss really leaves us with is beginnings.” Later in the book, Chittister’s comments offer further encouragement: “Transformation is not happenstance; it is a revolution of the soul. Doing something over and over, being somewhere again and again, saying yes and yes and yes to what we said yes to before, we find, is suddenly no answer to the questions of today for us. We stop being whoever it was who began this journey. We are not now who we were. We don’t want any longer to be who everyone thinks we’re supposed to be. Our souls stretch to the bursting point and home becomes foreign soil. Somehow, without ever knowing that it happened, we awake to find ourselves transformed.” All of this because, “change dusts off our possibilities and explodes us into new beginnings.”

For those involved in the muck of job loss and unemployment, Chittister offers a way to make sense of some of our personal and national losses and struggles. This is a time of invitation: can we find the courage and faith to let go of the old ways that we have been hanging onto so that we can embrace the fantastic new growth and possibility that God is so lovingly, patiently and insistently holds out to us? Is this the flower of God’s love and compassion whispering through the waterfall confusion of societal expectations, and the ego’s favorite clamor of anxiety, judgement and condemnation? “We are all a medley of possible beginnings,” Chittister explains, “all of them straining toward fulfillment.” And so, let us be hopeful and at peace–blossoming flowers behind the roar of a great waterfall–in this continuing season of loss and new beginnings.