MOVING BEYOND DIVORCE

You fell in love (or at least you believed you were) and you got married with every intention of having a happy and full life together.  You are realistic enough to not believe in fairy tales and have no doubt you will have your differences from time to time but you honestly believe that nothing is going to happen that the two of you cannot work out and get through together.  That is the way it is supposed to be, two people in love, pulling together, sharing the weight of all life’s ups and downs, being best friends, always there for each other…and it was like that for a little while; and then the hammer fell and you find yourself standing in a divorce court and suddenly it is over.  You and your spouse are now among the ever growing statistics of the divorced society.

This is no time to play the blame game.  Truth is; it takes two, two people to make a marriage work and two people to destroy it.  Don’t blame third parties if there is a third party, don’t blame your children and don’t blame your extended family.  You and your spouse are both adults; responsible people (who may or may not have participated in irresponsible behavior; we all do from time to time) and need to hold yourself accountable for your own actions and decisions.

Don’t feed on gossip and rumors or allow your imagination to play head games with your emotions.  The bottom line is that the two of you either couldn’t or wouldn’t work out the situation that was pulling you down and in different directions and you both played your part and now there is no fix to it; it is broken and you both need to pick up the pieces and move on…and don’t play the blame game.  You both made mistakes.  Admit it and learn from them.

You were married, partners, a part of each other’s life for a long time and even though you both may agree divorce is the only option for the two of you there is still that feeling of loss, failure, emptiness. You have that torn feeling, like there is a hole in your life that needs to be filled but you don’t know how to fill it.  A part of you is missing, no matter what the situation was that brought your marriage to an end and you into that divorce court and you feel that loss.  That is normal. 

Walking into that house or apartment and knowing he/she is not coming home, (no matter how bad the coming home may have been or the dread of that moment you may have felt before you separated) knowing you will not share another meal or sleep in the same bed again, share any more holidays, ever do those things you once enjoyed together again; is the loneliest feeling I have ever known.  That is normal.  A part of you is missing…but you can rebuild.  Life does exist and go on after divorce.

For the first few days (up to a week or so) you will probably just need to go through the motions of living, make yourself do what you need to do; eat, sleep, care for your physical being, go to work, do your shopping, pay your bills; all those day to day things that must be done.  This is a good time to change your furniture around, pack up or get rid of all those constant reminders of what might have been (your now ex-spouse’s things he/she left behind or special gifts from each other that are sitting there to remind you of the loss you are feeling.  Pack away the pictures of the two of you for now and replace them with something else.)  Take this time to digest the decisions that have been made and take an inventory of what you have left.  It is what you have left that you need to rebuild on.  It is okay to feel hurt and feel sad.  It is okay to feel angry.  It is okay to cry.  Give yourself permission to have those feelings and don’t let anyone tell you that you shouldn’t and to just get over it.  Those feelings are real and it is okay but don’t let them consume you to the point that you can’t or won’t move on. 

Now is the time to pamper yourself a little and push yourself into doing something, anything that is productive for your own life.  Get yourself involved in one of those projects you always wanted and intended to do but never found time for in your married life.  You have time now.  Keep yourself busy and don’t dwell on yesterday.  It is over.  You can’t go back and undo or change one yesterday.  You don’t know what the future may hold but you have today and today you need to make the most of it.  Be creative and set up a new routine for your life including those fun things you like to do; you can rework and adjust it later and you will.  Eat healthy and get some extra rest.  Your life has just taken an emotional beating and needs time to recoup. 

Don’t allow yourself to crawl into a shell of loneliness, shame and failure and sit there on your sofa feeling sorry for yourself while you munch on potato chips, cookies and ice cream and stare at the boob-tube not even comprehending what is going on in the programming.  Exercise some damage control by getting active and involved in your life instead.  You are not the first person, nor will you be the last to ever go through a divorce.  Knowing this may not make you feel a whole lot better right now but knowing others have survived should help you realize you will too.

You are not responsible for your ex-spouse or your ex-spouse’s decisions or actions.  It is no longer any of your affair or business.  You are only responsible for you (and your children if children are involved) so don’t waste your time checking up on him/her or listening to gossip and rumors that only serve to stir up old negative feelings and resentments.  The only contact and communication necessary between you and your ex-spouse are where it involves the welfare of your children.  For now that is all you need to be concerned with.

This is no time to put your life on hold and wait around until you feel better, start feeling happy again.  Trust me when I tell you that there is no fairy-godmother that is going to show up and sprinkle happy dust all over you and make life all better and all that hurt go away.  Your happiness, contentment in life, building a full and productive new life for yourself is up to you.  You have to make it happen.  Get out there and do it.  Think positive and believe in yourself.  It really is not the end of the world. 

Remember the story from your childhood about “The Little Train That Could.” Well that is you, and you can.  You will probably spin your wheels a few times and make a few mistakes on your way back up that steep hill but you will make it to the top if you just keep chugging along and you will find yourself building new strengths and confidence and power and you will make it to the top but only if you believe you can; “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can,” and suddenly you realize you made it, you did it.  Hurray for you.  Good job.

One other very important thing, and I am telling you this from my own experience and learning the hard way, you do not need another special he or she in your life right now to make you feel you “have a life.”  It is good to have friends and share time with friends and family but don’t jump from the frying pan into the fire and couple up with someone, try to build a new relationship right now.  Don’t let anyone try to push you into it or goad you into dates or blind-dates, especially single dating.

Your emotions are still too raw and it takes time to heal.  Loneliness and feeling like you are on the outside looking in can lead you down a very dark road if you let yourself get involved too quickly. 

You are still carrying around a lot of old baggage that needs to be dealt with, dumped and getting involved in a new relationship in the first few months or year after your divorce is a bad decision.  You will carry all that old baggage into the new relationship if you don’t get rid of it first and you will only get hurt and probably hurt that new he or she in the process.  Neither of you need that and it will only serve to cripple or maybe even destroy what might turn out to be a beautiful friendship if you don’t get involved too quickly.  It is okay to have friends, even good, and to share time together; and if you do decide to date, keep those dates in public places and not where temptation can lure you into something you will regret later.  Build on friendships but leave the relationship until later; once you have really got your life together again. 

You don’t need a significant other to live your life or have a life of your own. Now is the time for you to enjoy your new independence, your freedom to be you and involve yourself in those things that make you the person you really are inside.  Go back to school.  Finish that degree.  Get involved in a sport or creative activity that you enjoy, the theater, music, pottery, learn a new language or something else you have always wanted to do, whatever interest you.

Get yourself involved in life outside of marriage again.  Get actively involved in your church or other organization you are interested in, the PTA or school sports booster club, scouting; start enjoying that old hobby you loved but put on the back burner for a time, join the writing group or book club at your local library, the garden club, the community band, choir or theater group, take up skiing, skydiving, go to the gym; make new friends in new circles that bring joy to your life.  Keep the old friends so long as they remain truly your friend, otherwise, there is nothing wrong with distancing yourself from them.  Make your life happen and enjoy the freedom to do so.  However, don’t overdo it.  Don’t stretch yourself so thin that your involvement becomes only superficial and you cannot truly enjoy it.     

Above all, don’t neglect your children if there are children involved.  They are children and your responsibility and their welfare need to come first.  Include them in your life where possible and is appropriate and stay involved in theirs but don’t smother them either to cover up or try to fill your own emptiness.  You can still be a whole family and unless there is a justifiable, legal reason not to, you need to let your children be a part of both their parent’s new life and don’t ever, ever make them feel they are in any way to blame for your broken marriage.  They are not. 

Your children need to know that it is okay to love both parents and be a part of both of your lives no matter which one of you is now the custodial parent.  Children adjust well when it is made acceptable and they are given reasonable explanations, without all the details.  No matter how you may feel toward your ex-spouse, do not cut that person down to or in front of your children or allow others to do that.  That is not acceptable behavior.  Your ex-spouse is still their mom or dad.  They love both of you.  Be glad.

Your “I love you truly, happily ever after” dream didn’t happen.  You’re divorced.  Learn from the mistakes you both made and move on beyond the circumstance.  There really is life beyond the divorce court but it is up to you to make it happen and to live it.

It may just be my opinion but I think telling a new partner you have slept with a certain number of people can make you look bad.  Let’s say you have slept with 10 people, will he think that number is high and you are “loose” or will he think the number is low and you are the type that doesn’t “put out”.  The truth is that who you slept with in the past shouldn’t really matter (unless of course it was his brother or best friend).  

I think that the most important thing you should discuss with a new boyfriend is whether or not you have been tested for STD’s.  Think about it, if you have had even one sexual partner in your life you have a chance of having an STD.  What if you have slept with 10 people?  It’s a good idea to get tested before you even think about having sex with someone new.  And find out if they have been tested too.  Of course even if you have both been tested you should still use protection!

Divorce is on the high rate and this can affect new relationships,  ex couples are still in the picture and this can cause complications.

There is the custody of who is going to get the kids?  Financial issues that has to resolved immediately, this happens to most couples if not properly guided.

When in  a new relationship be straight about it, if you have any emotional baggage related to your divorce, be out out with it.

In some cases this can be worked through,  to go on with your lives.  It is not a simple issue to get rid off or let go.

Be sure the past life stays  behind you, don’t complicate the life of your new partner with your problems,   it is challenging to form new relationships after all your past marriage is significant to your history, but you got to deal with those issues before you decide on going on to  a new one.

Sometimes paper work is not attempted because of second chances, and this can be painful. You should start on a new slate.

You require a certain amount of time to go forward to form new relationships, some people may need two years to work through their feelings, but if you spend ten percent of your time thinking of your ex, then you won’t be ready for a new one.

If  you want your next relationship to be a good one, you should be free of your past.  Often past  relationships affect the future ones and this causes many issues with your new partners.

You may have heard this term many times but what exactly is it? To put it simply its about using the universal laws. Basically it is a method of attracting material things, situations, relationships, money and even love  into your life. Can you really get the perfect job? partner? car? money?

YES YOU CAN!  However its like anything else you have to learn the rules. If you  learn the rules and yet you fail to practice how to follow them then its likely you will be in the large group of followers who would like to believe it but just don’t seem to be able to make it work for them.

You did not learn to read or write overnight, it takes time to learn any new skill and can be even more difficult for you to break old habits that may be stopping the law of attraction working for you. However if you follow our 10 simple guidelines and practice practice practice…. your wishes will come true… FACT! – THEY HAVE TO – after all that is the LAW of Attraction. So be careful what you wish as you WILL get what you ask for.

Because we know how difficult this concept is to understand at first we have put together a free report for you. If you follow the 10 simple steps within a matter of days or weeks you will be attracting exactly what you ask for.

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Although letters sent and received through the post should not be overlooked in new relationships they are often seen as “over the top” in the modern world. Nowadays emails are the accepted form of communication. However, although ending email is less harmful to our environment they can also be sent with little effort: with one click of your mouse they are dispatched. This is where some of the dangers of emails lurk…

First Rule – Never Write and Send Emails after Drinking Alcohol 

Sending emails you have composed while under the influence of drink is a recipe for disaster. You might think that you have hit the right note when professing your love, proposing serious commitment and even marriage – but in the cold light of day you’ll most likely find that what you have sent is totally embarrassing. Wait until you are sober and reread your email before sending. Better still compose and send emails only when you are completely sober.

Second Rule – Don’t Send Too Many Emails

Just because emails are easy to send you should not send more than one or two a day at the start of any new relationship. The rule should be send one email and reply to one email. Anything more might be seen as desperate. If you send numerous emails in the first days of a new relationship, the worst case scenario is that you come over as a stalker – not good. 

Third Rule – Use a Spellcheck

Unlike when texting in a new relationship you do need to spell correctly if you are sending emails. If you can’t spell and have no idea of how to express yourself with the written word perhaps you should consider a different method of communication. Emails need to be composed by people with a reasonable education. The only exception to this rule is a new relationship in which both parties have neglected their education and couldn’t detect a badly written email if it hit them over the head.

Fourth Rule – Don’t be too Eager

Do not be over eager. This means that you should not drop everything as soon as you hear “you have email” to read and to reply immediately to the person who you are starting a relationship with. This can seem over desperate and suggest you have nothing else in your life and who (other than someone else who hasn’t anything in their life) wants a relationship with such a person? Take your time to read the email and to pen an appropriate and eloquent reply.

Tip: Some people can monitor if the email they have sent has been received. They can also see when it was opened. They have access to a list which shows at what time the email was received and at what time it was opened. If barely a nano second elapses between your receipt of an email and your opening it – that will look weird, over eager and over desperate. We recommend that you leave at least an hour before opening an email from the person you are in a new relationship with.

Don’t forget to read about how to text in new relationships by the same writer - Click Here to Read

AGREE/DISAGREE OR COMMENT: Use the space below to add rules and tips you use when emailing in a new relationship or to agree or disagree with any element of this article.

These may or may not be the reasons why, but I’m sure that if you think long and hard, and take a step out of denial, it’ll fall into one of these categories. But in these early stages of relationships, it’s important that we, as women, are able to identify bloody red flags. We should take precautionary measures to ensure that we don’t end up hurt or make it to his disposable pile, because some guys out there just aren’t right-and they don’t know how to be. Following is a list of things you should look out for in those early stages, before he has proven that he wants to be with you for who you are. Although everything is not listed here, those huge red flags, you know, the ones that should beep like a truck in reverse, I tried to cover.

1. Action: He’s slowly moving into your place.
   Explanation: Every guy should have some level of stability at home so that disables them from crashing at your place on the regular. A responsible male will have a decent home, and unless he lives with his parents (red flag within itself), he should have some desire to go to his own place. And if you want to spend every second that you’re awake together, why spend every second that you’re asleep together, as well? Save that for your husband!
2. Action: He asks to borrow things, like your car… And $40… And $20 more…
   Explanation: It’s one thing when someone asks to borrow something when they already have it, but don’t have access to it at the moment. If you’re hanging out with friends, and it’s more convenient for you to toss him $20 than it is to find an ATM machine, then that’s perfectly okay. But when you’re asked for money on a regular day, this guy is obviously broke. If he is, in fact, broke, he should be actively looking for work. There’s no harm in helping, either. If you need him around so bad, take him where he needs to go when you can. Otherwise, let him call someone to haul him around-you shouldn’t be his personal taxi or rent-a-car system.
3. Action: He is only available during certain hours-consistently.
   Explanation: This guy probably has a “main girl” that takes up a majority of his time. Relationships, especially new ones, are things of spontaneity, and this usually involves spending late, late nights together when one or both of you have something to do the next morning; or maybe it involves getting together on a boring Saturday and going to the zoo. Although relationships naturally fall into a routine, it should never begin on a strict schedule, with him providing hours of availability.
4. Action: He always does all the calling and never answers when you call him.
   Explanation: This shows that this guy wants to manage the flow of the relationship for whatever reason this may be. But in any situation that involves two able-bodied adults, communication should be open and you should be able to reach him by the same means that he reaches you. If a guy never answers the phone for you, and he’s not at work, it’s probably indicative that he has much better things to do and people to see than you! He calls you only when he’s sure that he has time for you, giving no thought to those times you may want to see or talk to him.
5. Action: He spends way too much time on the internet, such as myspace and facebook.
   Explanation: Ok, ok, we all love myspace and facebook, but let the truth be known, girls spend more time looking at peoples’ pics because we love to see how people look, what they’re wearing, who’s getting married, etc. But guys should never spend as much time doing those things as we do, it’s just not a guy thing. When guys spend lots of time on these websites, they’re usually perusing random profiles (unless they are that guy who adds any girl with a hot profile pic to their friends list). These guys like to have chats with other girls to see where the conversations end up. Or maybe lots of people from their past are able to keep up with them through these online communities-not good! This is not healthy for a new relationship or an old one.

FIRST RULE: How to make sure you don’t appear too cold.

Make sure you reply to the text within two hours of its receipt.. If it takes longer than 2 hours, make sure you include a reason for the delay in responding. Of course, should you wish to appear cold respond the following week or not at all.

SECOND RULE: How to make sure you don’t appear too eager.

Apply the half hour rule. This rule dictates that you don’t reply before 35 minutes have elapsed. Of course this rule can be suspended once the relationship is getting somewhere – indeed to have satisfying text (if appropriate) you should have some texts prepared to shoot off as soon as you can,

THIRD RULE: How to avoid looking stupid.

Remember that texts can be stored and read time and time again so any mistake will be noticed, if not immediately, at some point in the future. Unles you are both teenagers, avoid text speak such as m8 (instead of mate) and l8 (instead lf late). Stay away from throw away clichés such as LOL and never use the term PML because you’ll look stupid AND very crude. To really impress include in your text a word which most people spell incorrectly, such as government or environment. Use there, their and they’re in the right context

FOURTH RULE: Don’t be boring.

Sometimes it is better to stay quiet that to text (or talk) and bore someone. Ask yourself, would you like to receive a text that lists the processes involved in cooking a breakfast? Look at the following examples and decide which is least boring

1. “First of all I ensured the hob was clean and selected the correct frying pan, saucepan and cooking utensils. Then I went to the fridge an removed the eggs and butter. I got the beans from the pantry . . .”
2. “I enjoyed every mouthful of my delicious breakfast”

If you think A was less boring you really must reassess your behavior. Short and sweet is always better than long and pedantic (when it comes to texting).

FIFTH RULE: Don’t depress your text’s recipient

If you’ve just met and exchanged numbers with someone the last thing they want to hear is that you are depressed, lonely, penniless or without any prospects. If you are any of the aforementioned try and hide it from your would be partner until they have fallen for you. Do not reveal any of these secrets until you have formed a strong relationship and if the relationship never gets to this point – never reveal them. You’ll regret it if you do

SIXTH RULE: Don’t brag.

Remember, nobody likes a big head. If you’re actually very rich, very good looking, very clever or you have excellent prospects DO NOT tell your would be partner about these in a text or on the telephone for that matter. The only way to show someone that you are any or all of the aforementioned is by example. Chances are if you state these things in a text, you’ll appear untruthful.

SEVENTH RULE: Be interested in your text’s recipient

Ask a question about them, their career, their opinion or (if appropriate) their family. Texts that include the words my and mine more than you, your can come across as self obsessed. Texts without questions and purely statement paint a picture of someone a tad arrogant (and that’s an understatement!).

EIGHTH RULE: Try for some humour.

By all means do include a short joke but don’t go off on a surreal path and make it all joke. Too much humour at this stage night present as “bunny boiler”. Keep it jocular but until you know someone well leave the mind games texts until later.

NINTH RULE: Avoid warts and all

Eventually should your new relationship blossom into anything lasting and mutually fulfilling you will know everything about one another “warts and all” as they say. By this I mean both parties guilty secrets from the past and opinions that are difficult to accept. Whatever you do never list these in a get it off your chest text. I know one man who always does this and then wonders why he get stood up by his text recipients – you’ve got to laugh but it’s sad really, when you think.

TENTH RULE: Remain mysterious

Be enigmatic. A picture can say more than a thousand words or fifty texts sent one after another. Send pictures that you think your recipient will keep. If you succeed in doing this your recipient will think of you every time they look at it. By pictures I don’t mean ones of you in a compromising position or of you without full apparel. I’m thinking more of beautiful landscapes, animals or anything you think appeals to your new love interest. Examples include trains (if he’s a train spotter), celebrities eating if (she’s a celebophile) or plates of delicious food (if s/he is a foody). If it’s true that a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, wait until you know what his favourite food is, cook it or acquire it using other methods (get you Mom to cook it or buy an example) and send him a picture of that.

BONUS RULE: If you want to get anyone’s complete attention time your texts to arrive just before their lunchtime. I haven’t the time to explain why this should be the case but believe me this is BONUS knowledge.