If whole milk is milk, then what is the rest of it if it’s only 2% milk.

If fat is where it’s at, then where is “At”?  If thin is in, then how can fat be where it’s at?

Some people say the glass is half full. Others say the glass is half empty.  I say,”it depends on which part I look at first.”

If it’s called a fortune cookie, then how come there’s no money in it?

Why would someone throw another person “under a bus?”

It used to be said that a person can’t walk and chew gum at the same time.  Now it’s being said that a person can’t drive, text and talk at the same time.

Big brother is watching.  Who is big sister, and who is she watching?

Every retailer says that they have the lowest prices in town, but have you ever heard someone say, “We have the highest prices in town?”

Gas prices keep going up.  After how many years now people are starting to notice?

Some people might be better off by making this years resolutions to keep last years resolutions.

The sign says, “Ample parking.”  What if you don’t drive an Ample?

A stich in time saves nine.  Try telling that to a person who can’t sew on one button.

The tag said, “Wrinkle free.”  The old man said to his wife, “See that’s what you need.”

If a person is iregular, then does that mean their sewer bill is lower?

If a person refuses to shower in order to save the environment, how does their smell save our enviornent?

If a dog left his deposit in front of an ATM, would that make it more tolorable?

If cows eat grass, then why would anyone want to smoke it?

If dogs recycle, then shouldn’t we?

If no news is good news, then maybe more people should stop watching the news.

On a crowded train or bus a person might offer their seat, but a place to sit is sufficient.

If it’s lonely at the top, then city officials should move to a lower floor.

Have you noticed that no one robs donut shops?

Is it better to be under house arrest than a homeless criminal?

“Hey that was my parking spot.”  “My name isn’t Spot!”

Maybe the cause of so many accidents on the road is the absense of back seat drivers.

Too many hands spoil the soup.  That’s why people should wash their hands before they eat.

Renting is just another way of saying, “I’m paying someone elses mortgage.”

People are not buying houses like they used to.  Would it help if more people played monopoly?

If a person dies broke at least they will be picked clean.

If a person washes stolen money, is it still called dirty money?

If a piano should be tuned every 6 months, then how often should it be detuned?

Teenagers think they are smarter than everyone else.  Is this how they become polititions when they become adults?

A lucky break won’t help if you hit ice.

Money laundering still doesn’t make it clean.

Tax right offs still leaves the left empty handed.

If America is the land of the brave, then why are there so many cowards in Washington?

If one person took prayer out of the schools, then why can’t a million put it back in?

If drinking makes a person feel better, then why are there so many sick drunks?

Check to see if your refrigerator is running – don’t forget to go run after it.

I’ve got a pizza order just for you.

There’s a spider on your shoulder.

You’re my kind of April Fool.

Surely, you must be jesting.

Hey, jester, are you Shirley?

I’m out doing a marathon chasing after my appliances.

If there was a motormouth marathon, we’d stand a chance of getting the grand prize.

Look out – there’s something on the ceiling!

Guess what, we’ve chosen you for a new experiment in object-oriented programming.

We’re thinking of hiring a parrot to be the new receptionist. What do you think?

The phone’s bugged.

Please, always remember to end the little joke with: April Fool – the joke’s on you!

Idea for an e-greeting to send someone for April Fool’s Day.

Sure, there’s a place and a time for sending out those extra gummi snakes, gummi worms, gummi spiders, eyeball candies and other bizarre confections that might not make it through to the following Hallowe’en, namely, April Fool’s Day. Just placing one or two of these in the company candy dish will be sure to bring a laugh from someone.

Visual gags such as “bugging” the telephone with a large plastic beetle or grasshopper will also get someone’s attention, safely.

Always be sure to use safe objects that will cause no harm, as April Fool’s Day is supposed to add a little life to the day, and motivate people to enjoy being there.

Back to School Taglines

Going Back to School is Cool!

The Streets are Lousy with Pigeons – I’m Back in Class

I Have Class!

Back in Black – and Back with Class!

Reading with Rhythm and Rhyme!

Arithmetic, Algebra, and All that.

I just Aimlessly Wander the Halls Between Classes.

Listening, Learning, and Living!

I am the Future!

Motivate Me!

I love pencils!

I love school!

I love crayons!

Image via Wikipedia

School is a great time for young people to get together and meet other young people, while learning about the past, the present, the future, as well as what might be if things could have gone differently. School is a place where learning experiences are supposed to be safer than they would be on the street. The school environment should be concerned with an economy of words, as well as with the safety of all the ecological items within the school property. Ecological items include the students, as well as the plants, the air, the little animals, or the contained larger animals, which may include the teachers and school administrators.

Back to School Slogans

We’re kids and we rule!

Kids rule!

We’re young, and we look, listen, and learn!

I haven’t made the same mistakes you have, and hope to know better.

Let us be us!

Don’t make an impression on me, just show me the way out!

Here at the joint, ready to learn.

Excuse me, may I please use my brain?

Please, don’t insult my only remaining brain cell.

I can learn faster than you can.

It’s the ecology that supports the economy, stupid!

Love me, love the environment.

We have our own ideas. Let us keep our ideas!

My dreams still have potential!

I am a student – respect that.

Respect this!

Image via Wikipedia

There you go! Those unformatted thoughts in your dull dreary mind have already found their way into somebody’s quotable quotes making your task easier and your day merrier. Which is why I ask, what would our world come to if it were not for those remarkable words between inverted commas?

For most of the email savvy community the quote has become an “in each other’s pocket” part of the signature. In most cases, it is the lifesaver of an otherwise tiring assemblage of expressions and statistics. Which is why I end most of my mails with the quote – “When nothing is sure, everything is possible”.

This pulls off a dual purpose. One, as in most cases, the reader is at his/hers wit’s end to grasp the contents of my mail. The quote at the bottom accentuates on the different possibilities. Redeeming me by putting the thought in their respective confused heads that I might have possibly written something meaningful. Two, it just might inspire them with a totally different problem.

So, if you are gregarious enough to accept my advice, go for those quotes that have something in it for you. If it’s for that lovely lass you’ve been trying to impress for oh-so-long-a-time time, finish your forwarded mail (I am assuming that you don’t have the nerve to send a personal mail) with a smart pick up quip. “All I’m saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don’t get him first, somebody else will, and you’ll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband.” Marie, When Harry met Sally. I assure you it has worked every time. The girl to whom I send that quip goes and gets her man. And mostly, read always, it is not I. But I continue with my quotes because, “What you can’t have, you can’t resist.” My time will come. “All the early bird gets is a worm!”

Daffy definitions are congenial cousins of the quotable quote. I sent this information about higher studies to my own cousin who was on the threshold of entering a college at that time. “Universities are places of knowledge. The freshmen each bring a little in with them, and the seniors don’t take any away, so knowledge accumulates.” And to those Homo sapient who assume that they are hip and happening, “Fashion: That which, while not necessarily beautiful, makes all that preceded it look silly.”

This way I get to retain whatever silly attire I choose for that day. I once tried cheering two of my friends who were about to marry to each other, into the world of quotes. I sent them one quote a day on marriage. “Marriage is an institution. But who wants to be in an institution?” and other quotes to the same effect. However, for reasons unknown, they didn’t think much of the idea. You know, “For each action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.” Maybe I should have stopped after sending, “May you live 100 years, with one extra year to repent.” “May you have the hindsight to know where you’ve been, the foresight to know where you’re going and the insight to know when you’re going too far.” is not for me.

And over the years, I’ve started quipping so much that even my personal thoughts are one smart quip after another. I have this friend of mine who has taken to shotgun jeans and heavy metal music. Now, “I don’t believe we ever need to change friends, as long as we understand that friends change.” is what I think. Too much of those word-waves and I catch myself with “I just got lost in thought… It was unfamiliar territory.” To that annoying yet smart chap whose work is always more sophisticated than mine “Professionals built the Titanic, amateurs built the Ark.” To that down in the drain chap “You are unique, just like everybody else”. Although he never said it verbatim I attribute this to my boss “I am not telling that you are wrong. All I am saying is that I am going to blame you.”

To bamboozle somebody just for the heck of it “This message was sent to you via email in much the same way bricks aren’t.” To that bloke who pulls a fast one “He who laughs last, thinks slowest.” And when caught in the act “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” This is research. To the test engineer, after he finds a bug in my code “Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.” And the ones with a play of words “Grammatically speaking, I find my past perfect, present continuous and future tense.” This I use on anybody who quotes Nietzsche.

So when somebody tries one of those fancy meaningful quotes, tell that smart alec you are having “Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.” Seize the situation.