This is the premise on which cognitive behavioural therapy also known as Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) is based. NLP believes our thoughts, feelings, and actions are simply habits or programs that have got written into our minds over the years. If we can take control of our feelings and change our attitude, behavior and more importantly, our communication, we can get what we want.

NLP theory believe it is possible to talk calmly and smooth every disagreements from escalating into conflicts, but makes a few presumptions for its success. For one, both the parties involved in the interaction/ communication is equally interested in clearing the imbroglio, both are equally willing to invest their time and are willing to exercise a lot of self discipline.

Let’s get real. Understand that the conciliatory process is challenging and sometimes not (easily) possible.

It is not uncommon to find one of the parties disinterested in setting things right. They may not be strong enough to resist the urge to prove themselves right and become confrontational. May be the relationship is not important enough to them to risk hurting their ego by attempting reconciliation. Or may be they fear that discussing disagreements that have spiralled to such heights can open the proverbial hornet’s nest.

When we are in intimate relationships, we often have a “list of complaints” that we have accumulated over the years. And when you offend your partner/friend, a counterattack blame game begins — “Haven’t you ever looked in a mirror?”

Often, criticism follows disagreement, and how we react to criticism determines whether or not the disagreement is stemmed at the onset itself. This is easier said than done. To most of us, criticism is like an attack to which we respond through protests, counter (heated) arguments or suppressed resentment with weak surrender.

We fight criticism as if we were being attacked with a lethal weapon, and get into a defensive position. In such a state of mind, it is difficult, if not impossible, to listen actively to criticism. Instead of listening, we start reacting and judging, and our minds become busy thinking how we should get back or retaliate. We mock the emotionally charged person and allow them no time to recover.

If we retaliate when the recipient is unreasonable and not in a receptive mood, we intensify the conflict. Emotionally intelligent persons understand cues and know when somebody is not in a mood to discuss. They do not try to change what they cannot change or force others to agree with them. They don’t drag old issues while discussing the present, and refrain from poking and lacerating old wounds.

Ideally, we should never have left unresolved disagreements to escalate into conflicts. We should have paused and listened actively, empathized with others point of view, clarified the issues by asking and rephrasing their questions and concerns, apologized when warranted, and never allowed grievances to pile up.

But we have done the unworthy acts and the stage is all red. Irritations are at the peak, and even a murmur may cause an explosion. What do we do?

If the situation is this BAD, run for life. Don’t rock a rocking boat. Time is the biggest healer. But even when several years elapse, it is best never to reopen old issues, but start with fresh reinforcements of positive emotions like love and friendship.

In most others, evaluate the situation. How important is the relationship? For you and for the other person. If it is  your colleague at a previous job, an online friend, or a casual acquaintance you often run into at church or a shopping mall who doesn’t figure prominently in your life, it may be better to forget patching up the differences and just move on. Again, this is a personal decision. May be you are finicky about not leaving unresolved issues, you may still like to leave a conciliatory note, if only for enhancing your own self esteem.

Choose your battles. Don’t get sucked into unnecessary conflicts. Ask yourself, “Is it worth arguing about?” If the debate is going to create more problems than it solves, remain silent.

Know when to walk away. When you find yourself losing control, separate yourself from the conflict and give yourself time to think clearly about the most constructive way to respond.

Read Also

How To Listen Actively

Resolving Conflicts: How To Agree to Disagree

In the Classical psychology, therapy begins by searching the origin of the acts, and after, the possible methods could give solutions or allow acceding to the goals.

But the NLP-neuro-linguistic programming-; in quit reverse, begins by defining the goals at first; and the ways allow acceding to the goals.

No matter about what happened when you were just one year old or two!

Classical psychology gave some important points for the marketing, but not so much for the individual therapy; except for the behavior method which was the beginning of the way to the NLP.

But the NLP-neuro-linguistic programming- gives so much for the individual therapy, because its method gives more importance to the goals than to the origin of any psychological trouble.

NLP focus on the ways to accede to the definite goals.

For example you can write your objective on a paper and hang it on the wall or past it on your desk, a way to help yourself to remember every day that you have a definite objective, and what is that objective; and if possible you could also have a list of the actions to do.

To look further ahead, some take a photo of themselves in the décor they imagine in the future: a doctor, an engineer, a rich man…in a big city, in a farm, as a boss of a big factory…and they wach every day to the photo to get hopeful and inspiration.

In short, the new school of psychology or NLP seems to be easier and more efficient to give real good results in brief time.

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-Oliver Wendell Holmes

The Third Eye Chakra is a powerful tool that lies inside all of us but can remain dormant. The power that a human mind possesses is vaster than an entire universe and the Third Eye Chakra is a storehouse for that unused power that can change a human’s course of life. This indigo chakra opens you up to vibrant, positive thoughts. It extends your capabilities and your internal powers to such an extent that there are no limitations. It awakens the sub-conscious mind of a human – one that has hidden within it all the hopes, dreams, fears, power, and knowledge required to walk through the frightening realm of the unknown. 

Many people live in ignorance of the seven chakras and their available benefits. Indeed this is only half-living; the extent of the benefits that an individual can reap through awareness of the seven chakras and their extraordinary powers is unlimited. Each and every person has their own unique set of problems and each person tries to fight those problems in their own way – but often the occurrence of difficulty feels never-ending. What can a person do when they feel they have exhausted every option? Without an awareness of the third eye chakra it is impossible to truly know the power one can possess. Our problems can limit us and result in a surplus of negative thoughts, preventing us from moving forward in a positive direction. When our thoughts are limited in such a way it limits our capabilities, and stifles our personality. Everything that we think, ask, or talk about – it’s all registered in the universe, and those thoughts come alive in front of us in the form of our actions. The universe works in a way that is mysterious and puzzling, for example the very day we say that “I hope I’m not late today” – we are bound to be late for reasons beyond our control. If we open our third eye chakra we can begin to realize and understand the language spoken by the universe. Instead of focusing on negativity, we can try to speak the language of the universe by saying “I will be on time today,” and finding the path unfolding for us to do as we desire.

Ignorance of third eye chakra limits us and forces us to retreat to negative qualities that we have struggled to get rid of for years. This lack of knowledge limits the possibilities available to us, leaving us with no choice but to accept what comes along. This is a debilitating cycle of existence that affects our ability to cope with the events in our lives. As it gains momentum, it forces a person in the wrong direction and takes them further from happiness and from those that they love. Luckily, the cycle can be interrupted by focusing one’s attention on the Third Eye Chakra and learning to embrace the power of your own intuition.

“What lies behind and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us”

-Oliver Wendell Holmes

The Third Eye Chakra is a powerful tool that lies inside all of us but can remain dormant. The power that a human mind possesses is vaster than an entire universe and the Third Eye Chakra is a storehouse for that unused power that can change a human’s course of life. This indigo chakra opens you up to vibrant, positive thoughts. It extends your capabilities and your internal powers to such an extent that there are no limitations. It awakens the sub-conscious mind of a human – one that has hidden within it all the hopes, dreams, fears, power, and knowledge required to walk through the frightening realm of the unknown. 

Many people live in ignorance of the seven chakras and their available benefits. Indeed this is only half-living; the extent of the benefits that an individual can reap through awareness of the seven chakras and their extraordinary powers is unlimited. Each and every person has their own unique set of problems and each person tries to fight those problems in their own way – but often the occurrence of difficulty feels never-ending. What can a person do when they feel they have exhausted every option? Without an awareness of the third eye chakra it is impossible to truly know the power one can possess. Our problems can limit us and result in a surplus of negative thoughts, preventing us from moving forward in a positive direction. When our thoughts are limited in such a way it limits our capabilities, and stifles our personality. Everything that we think, ask, or talk about – it’s all registered in the universe, and those thoughts come alive in front of us in the form of our actions. The universe works in a way that is mysterious and puzzling, for example the very day we say that “I hope I’m not late today” – we are bound to be late for reasons beyond our control. If we open our third eye chakra we can begin to realize and understand the language spoken by the universe. Instead of focusing on negativity, we can try to speak the language of the universe by saying “I will be on time today,” and finding the path unfolding for us to do as we desire.

Ignorance of third eye chakra limits us and forces us to retreat to negative qualities that we have struggled to get rid of for years. This lack of knowledge limits the possibilities available to us, leaving us with no choice but to accept what comes along. This is a debilitating cycle of existence that affects our ability to cope with the events in our lives. As it gains momentum, it forces a person in the wrong direction and takes them further from happiness and from those that they love. Luckily, the cycle can be interrupted by focusing one’s attention on the Third Eye Chakra and learning to embrace the power of your own intuition.

Everything is sitting in our head. The most important thing is to realize that you do not have to be superbeautiful to be sexy. There are many people who do not sin beauty, and yet have something attractive in itself. They simply accept themselves as they are.
Be well groomed. Women who care about their beauty are highly attractive in the eyes of men. From time to time to choose a hairdresser or beautician. An important element is the perfume. Avoid intense odors.Delicate aromas stimulate the senses.
In a healthy body, healthy mind. To increase its attractiveness to Engage in sports, run or exercise at the gym. A good idea to subscribe to yoga or dance class. This will make you feel more confident.
How do you see as you write. Unfortunately this is true, so I always try to choose clothes for her figure. If you have a few pounds more, avoid horizontal stripes. Remember to not overdo the accessories. Sometimesless is more.

Take care of your smile. Smile often. When you laugh your body releases endorphins. They are very much needed body. Thanks to them we have the motivation to act. Learn to laugh at yourself. This is a very usefulfeature.
Remember, sex is in the glances, gestures, delicate movements of the body. First you have to feel sexy, so that others perceive you as an attractive woman. Love you! This is the key to success.

Good Luck!!!

Character development is an absolutely worthwhile goal for most people. Only those who have already achieved success and ease in life, may not really in good conscience let this matter lie on the left. All others would do well to look closely to deal with how they too can achieve this status and the way is there personality development.

After all, success and happiness does not depend on external circumstances, but always of his own personality. Not by chance, there are certain characteristics that all successful people have in common. The sum of these properties is an ideal state, the well reached almost no one, however, the approach should be as far as possible, a very worthy goal and purpose of personal development.

For this purpose it is necessary first of course, to know oneself and one’s own personality. The proper assessment it is important. One must know his own limitations, strengths and weaknesses and learn. And on this basis one can then find out in a second step, what makes you unique. These exercises will lead to more and more inner clarity, confidence grows and so it forms a clear and strong personality. With this process also improves the broadcasting and communication and personality development through these stages leads to more success and happiness.

However, this may sound too simple. Therefore, one must stress, personality development is a process that takes time and requires much work and exercise. Practice new behaviors until they become a habit takes several weeks or months until the target is you have some work ahead. But for the result of personality development is all the more rewarding.

In June 2006, the real estate market in my home town took a nose dive.  It looked a lot like an airplane falling from the sky, ready to crash land into the ground and burst into flames.  Oh, is this too dramatic a picture?  After all we are talking about real estate, not air disasters. 

Many will say it was unexpected.  More will say “it had to happen; the real estate bubble had to burst”. Few were prepared for how much and how hard the world would fall.  I too thought it would never hit this hard.  After all the press always blew things out of proportion.  I went to sleep one night in 2006 with a great, but frustrating job, lots of pay, a new software in development which was my husband’s path to our future and woke up 18 months later with that same job paying 60% less, no investors in our software company, up to our eyeballs in business debt, a house 60% upside down and our lives totally out of control!

What do you say when things like this happen?  You say WOW; we must work on a different path.  We say, let’s try it on our own.  Let’s try swimming upstream.  Honestly, I don’t even know how we navigated those next five years.

Many people in my community, in communities around the country spent the last five years in a daze.  Did we know where the next bit of work would come from?  Did we know if we were improving or getting worse? Some turned to their faith for answers, others to “the government will be my savior”, others to whole new career paths.  I just went back to basics.

The big question is “did we learn from this experience?”  Some will say yes.  I am now saving 10% of everything I make, no matter what (read “The Richest Man in Babylon”).  Some say no, as soon as they were able they started charging up new credit cards that replaced the old ones.  What do you say?

I say what a wakeup call.  I really didn’t expect this to be more than 5 years worth of worry and stress and discovery.  I wish I had all the answers, even now with all the lessons on the table, I am not sure I have learned all that I need to move forward.  I do know that it’s time for my spirit to return.  It is time for my inspiration to build and for my writing to return.

There are many out there that have lived through this last five years and are so much better for the struggle.  What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger!  I have heard that before and I do believe we are given the tools to make us stronger; we just have to use them.

So this is the first chapter in a very long path.  I could say “back to who I was,” but that would be a mistake.  I think it’s a path to who I can be.  So if you would like to join me on this journey, just keep an eye out for the next chapter. 

If you like, comment to me on your journey and we can move forward together.  Certainly 2012 has potential?  What do you think?

In the pursuit of personal growth, making changes is a normal thing to do. We all wish to change, tweak and improve our methods, viewpoints and other aspects of life to live a more lively, better and fruitful life. However, at any given point of time in our lives, it can be very tempting to set multiple areas of your life into the ‘change’ mode i.e., you may be tempted to tackle your problems all at once.

You may look at your life and think… All right, I need to find my life’s purpose, pay all my bills, find a more satisfying way to earn more, start attending classes to learn that new  language I have always wanted to learn, go for jogging etc…. the list could be endless. Every now and then you set out to achieve ‘many’ or ‘all’ of them in the hope to improve your life.

Even though the intention you follow here is very sacred, the approach almost surely ensures failure. The reason being that you ‘have too many items in your plate’. That is to say that you set out with too much to do, or too many things to change on a given day of your life.

A far better and simpler way is take it one at a time. Pick up one area. Any one area. Plan your  assault. And finally make the change. When you are improving/changing one habit/area of your life, give it your entire focus. Yes. That means a 100% effort. Let all the other issues wait. They have waited so far. Let them stagnate for a few more days.

Giving your entire focus on a single issue multiplies your odds to land over the winning side. The reason being that any change makes you enter a territory that is unknown and it takes some time to become a natural part of your daily routine. When you focus on that single issue, no matter how other things go, you are ensuring your victory. You are choosing to have nothing interfere between you and your new idea.

And finally when you do make it, you are ready to pick up the next issue from your list.

Relationships of all kinds are often perceived as very delicate things, that require extra effort to maintain. However, a relationship can also be something that can provide security and can also be long lasting despite many trials.

Building an effective and lasting relationships is a necessity for several reasons. For example in a group or organization, the well being of the people depends on how efficient and effective that group or organization works.

The group or organization is also dependent on how the members work well with the management.

An ineffective group or organization can really be very frustrating. An effective group or organization can also ask so much on their members, that sometimes the members would be having no life outside the walls of the area where they work or sacrifice the other aspects of their life just to meet deadlines. For an organization or group with this kind of scenario, relationships can be stressed or suffer from breakdown.

People or other entities who depend on these groups or organization also suffer.

Society is defined as a web of relationships, which requires all parties to work and contribute their share in order to achieve a common goal. Having a relationship that is good, where cooperation and respect are manifested, can make society work better. In this way each member works for the good of the whole and towards achieving a common goal. This can only be attained with effective and efficient relationships.

Understanding the other parties’ feeling and position creates an effective and efficient relationship. The easiest method to understand what is important to another party is to ask them what they want and listen to what they have to say. When the other party realizes this, they would feel the importance given to them

Effective and efficient relationships require parties to openly express their feelings and positions on all matters pertinent on the relationship. Assuming that the other party understands our needs and give us when we need it without asking for it is not a good practice.

Respect is the key to relationship. In order to create a more effective relationship, parties should treat each other with respect. We can show respect just by listening to the other party and by trying sincerely to understand how they function. You can also show respect to other parties by confirming that they are doing everything they can.

The opposite of respect is quick forming of judgements based on unfounded facts and prejudice.

Respect is the very foundation for a great relationship. This also means respecting yourself and respecting others.

Another key area in forming an effective relationship is to tackle differences of the other party directly. Differences between parties or people are quite interesting. For example in a conversation where each party listens to the other party, you may observe that each is having two different perspectives.

Work towards a win-win solution for both parties.

This can be done when at least one party acknowledges that the relationship is important. That party would then exert more time, effort and energy to understand the other party’s needs and deal with it to get it out of the way. Should they fail, it is comforting for that party to know that they tried.

Effectively listening and no pre-judging. This is important if parties are to understand each other.

Informal discussions are conducive for parties. They bring out issues and concerns comfortably. They also feel more relaxed making them think more clearly.

Developing an atmosphere where the other party can express their feelings when they need to.

When parties fail to express whatever is on their mind or their feelings, it can get in the way of building an effective relationship.

Parties should be aware that certain things exist naturally but should be controlled in any dealings in any relationship. Human nature is one. Some of these things found in a relationship also include a history of stereotyping or mistrust, blaming the other person or party for a strained relationship, excluding the other party’s feelings when focusing on a task, no clear and defined objectives, roles and expectations of each party in a relationship is also unclear.

Relationships are important to anyone, addressing issues and problems right away is a must to further improve the relationship. As they say ‘No man is an Island’.

We have all heard the seemingly discriminating remarks that fear is normal and abnormal, and that normal fear is to be regarded as a friend, while abnormal fear should be destroyed as an enemy.

The fact is that no so called normal fear can be named which has not been clearly absent in some people who have had every cause therefor. If you will run over human history in your mind, or look about yea in the present life, you will find here and there persons who, in situations or before objects which ought, as any fearful soul will insist, to inspire the feeling of at least normal self-protecting fear, are nevertheless wholly without the feeling. They possess every feeling and thought demanded except fear. The idea of self-preservation is as strongly present as with the most abjectly timid or terrified, but fear they do not know. This fearless awareness of fear suggesting conditions may be due to several causes. It may result from constitutional make-up, or from long continued training or habituation, or from religious ecstasy, or from a perfectly calm sense of spiritual selfhood which is unhurtable, or from the action of very exalted reason. Whatever the explanation, the fact remains: the very causes which excite fear in most of us, merely appeal, with such people, if at all. to the instinct of self-preservation and to reason, the thought-element of the soul which makes for personal peace and wholeness.

Banish all fear.         

It is on such considerations that I have come to hold that all real fear-feeling should and may be banished from our life, and that what we call “normal fear” should be substituted in our language by “instinct” or by “reason,” the element of fear being dropped altogether.

“Everyone can testify that the psychical state called fear consists of mental representations of certain painful results” (James). The mental representations may be very faint as such, but the idea of hurt to self is surely present. If, then, it can be profoundly believed that the real self cannot be hurt; if the reason can be brought to consider vividly and believingly all quieting considerations; if the self can be held consciously in the assurance that the White Life surrounds the true self, and is surely within that self, and will suffer “no evil to come nigh,” while all the instincts of self preservation may be perfectly active, fear itself must be removed “as far as the east is from the west.”

These are the ways, then, in which any occasion for fear may be divided:

As a warning and as a maker of panic. But let us say that the warning should be understood as given to reason, that fear need not appear at all, and that the panic is perfectly useless pain. With these discriminations in mind, we may now go on to a preliminary study of fear.

preliminary study of fear.              

Fear is (a) an impulse, (b) a habit, (c) a disease.

Fear, as it exists in man, is a make-believe of sanity, a creature of the imagination, a state of insanity.

Furthermore, fear is, now of the nerves, now of the mind, now of the moral consciousness.

The division depends upon the point of view. What is commonly called normal fear should give place to reason, using the word to cover instinct as well as thought. From the correct point of view all fear is an evil so long as entertained.

Whatever its manifestations, wherever its apparent location, fear is a psychic state, of course, reacting upon the individual in several ways: as, in the nerves, in mental moods, in a single impulse, in a chronic habit, in a totally unbalanced condition. The reaction has always a good intention, meaning, in each case, “Take care! Danger!” You will see that this is so if you will look for a moment at three comprehensive kinds of fear fear of self, fear for self, fear for others. Fear of self is indirectly fear for self danger. Fear for others signifies foresensed or forepictured distress to self because of anticipated misfortune to others. I often wonder whether, when we fear for others, it is distress to self or hurt to them that is most emphatically in our thought.

Fear, then, is usually regarded as the soul’s danger signal. But the true signal is instinctive and thoughtful reason.

Even instinct and reason, acting as warning, may perform their duty abnormally, or assume abnormal proportions. And then we have the feeling of fear. The normal warning is induced by actual danger apprehended by mind in a state of balance and self-control. Normal mind is always capable of such warning. There are but two ways in which so-called normal fear, acting in the guise of reason, may be annihilated: by the substitution of reason for fear, and by the assurance of the white life.

Let it be understood, now, that by normal fear is here meant normal reason real fear being denied place and function altogether. Then we may say that such action of reason is a benefactor to man. It is, with pain and weariness, the philanthropy of the nature of things within us.

One person said: “Tired? No such word in my house!” Now this cannot be a sound and healthy attitude. Weariness, at a certain stage of effort, is a signal to stop work. When one becomes so absorbed in labor as to lose consciousness of the feeling of weariness, he has issued a “hurry call” on death. I do not deny that the soul may cultivate a sublime sense of buoyancy and power; rather do I urge you to seek that beautiful condition; but I hold that when a belief or a hallucination refuses to permit you to hear the warning of nerves and muscles, Nature will work disaster inevitably. Let us stand for the larger liberty which is joyously free to take advantage of everything Nature may offer for true well-being. There is a partial liberty which tries to realize itself by denying various realities as real; there is a higher liberty which really realizes itself by conceding such realities as real and by using or disusing them as occasion may require in the interest of the self at its best. I hold this to be true wisdom: to take advantage of everything which evidently promises good to the self, without regard to this or that theory, and freely to use all things, material or immaterial, reasonable or spiritual. I embrace your science or your method; but I beg to ignore your bondage to philosophy or to consistency. So I say that to normal health the weary-sense is a rational command to replenish exhausted nerves and muscles.

It is not liberty, it is not healthful, to declare, “There is no pain!” Pain does exist, whatever you affirm, and your affirmation that it does not is proof that it does exist, for why (and how) declare the non-existence of that which actually is non-existent? But if you say, “As a matter of fact I have pain, but I am earnestly striving to ignore it, and to cultivate thought-health so that the cause of pain may be removed,” that is sane and beautiful. This is the commendable attitude of the Bible character who cried: “Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.” To undertake swamping pain with a cloud of psychological fog that is to turn anarchist against the good government of Nature. By pain Nature informs the individual that he is somewhere out of order. This warning is normal. The feeling becomes abnormal in the mind when imagination twangs the nerves with reiterated irritation, and Will, confused by the discord and the psychic chaos, cowers and shivers with fear.

I do not say there is no such thing as fear. Fear does exist. But it exists in your life by your permission only, not because it is needful as a warning against “evil.”

Fear is induced by unduly magnifying actual danger, or by conjuring up fictitious dangers through excessive and misdirected psychical reactions. This also may be taken as a signal of danger, but it is a falsely-intentioned witness, for it is not needed, is hostile to the individual because it threatens self-control and it absorbs life’s forces in useless and destructive work when they ought to be engaged in creating values.

Reading books will open new doors to the outside world and will improve their imagination. Your kids will do well in school and college. The kids will become better personally and career. An idea can change life and lot of ideas will be obtained from reading books and these ideas will change life of your kids for the better. Children will be able to take correct decisions as he has obtained tips from the books.

Instead of watching television with your kids, encourage them to read by teaching them how to read books. Read the books for them for half an hour every day. You can set example by getting a book infront of you and reading them. You will never be regretted for teaching them to read.

Encourage your children to read books by reading with them on daily basis. Gift them with books every day.Say no to television and yes to books because in the end, reading will matter.