Feeling a little lonely in those wee hours of the morning, you give some serious thought to taking a look at what they have to offer. You’re alone, for Pete’s sake, it’s not like anyone will see what you are doing. So you take the plunge into the dark, mysterious world of internet matchmaking and click on the link that hold the promise to change your life.

Wow! The home page has pictures of women and a few men. They look like they just got the check from Ed McMahon for the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes. Big ear to ear smiles and everyone has perfect teeth, every single one of them. This should be another red flag. Not only the smiles and perfect teeth, but no one is overweight by a pound. Through the magic of the internet, you have been transported to the land of perfect people and you can be accepted as one of them. Provided you have a Master Card, Visa or American Express.

Go ahead, you know you want to join them all romping on the beach, women in bikinis, men hauling coolers of beer, and you. Don’t let the fact that you live in Milwaukee and it’s January stop you. You have a right to pay the small monthly fee and buy your share of happiness. You are guaranteed to be accepted as one of the beautiful people, as long as your Visa card is accepted.

Another glass of wine and you pull that American Express out of your wallet and order the supreme membership and pay a year in advance. Now you are a part of something bigger. You can feel the difference. You sit up straighter in your chair. Now that your credit card has been approved, you aren’t quite sure what happens next. Does that cute little redhead know that she’s just a minute away from meeting the man of her dreams? How would she know? You have not created that all important profile yet.

It starts out innocent enough, what screen name do you want to use, do you want to hear from people 50 miles away, or anywhere in the Milky Way? You confidently start clicking away, feeling closer to your loved one with every answer. Suddenly the questions start to get a little more complex. What is your age? Oh my. How old is the cute little redhead? I’m her soul mate, I have to be the perfect age. She looks 25. Would 45 sound ancient to her or is she secretly looking for a father figure? I’ll put down age as 35. After all, once we gaze into each other’s eyes, age won’t matter. It will all be perfect.

Got past that one, this is easy. Yikes! Weight, height, hair color. What color is no hair?? What is with these questions, are they trying to keep me from my soul mate, the perfect one? All you have to do is see her in person and fall into each other’s arms. None of this will matter.

One more glass of wine to make it through this interrogation. Hobbies, interests, career, what you think, religion, drinking, smoking, do you want kids, the list goes on forever. If you had the answers, you wouldn’t be sitting up all night looking at pictures of strangers on the web, you’d have your mate!

So when all else fails, lie. Weight? Body type? 175 and athletic, of course, while you’re sitting there stuffing Doritos in your mouth and washing them down with a Bud left over from yesterday. You continue down this path happily working your way to the cute little redhead. By the time you’re done, Brad Pitt couldn’t compete with you. A word of advice, don’t submit a picture. You hit the submit key and another window pops up. Do you want your profile on the fast track to the top of the eligible guys list? Of course you do, so pull out that American Express or Visa card and pay an additional amount. No problem, your true love is worth it. Wait 30 seconds, credit card approved, again.

You click on the link leading to your redheaded sweetie. She’s online at this very minute and your heart skips a beat. You want to send an IM immediately, but you decide to go to her profile first. As perfect as you knew she would be. Your ideal mate. Your heart is racing now and your palms are sweaty. Your hand is shaking as you try to click the mouse on the IM link. Oh my God, you hear an alert noise coming from your computer and right before your eyes, an IM from the cute little redhead pops up in front of your face. You’re smiling like a school boy, just as they promised, this is too good to be true. She found you!

Now the IM’s are flying fast and furious. It’s like you have known each other for years. You even live in the same city. You share the same humor, you like the same things, it’s perfect.

She wants to see you. By now you are delirious. You’ve put that profile you made up out of your mind. She wants you, she loves you. You agree that you must meet. Tomorrow.

Bleary eyed from a lack of sleep, not to mention a slight headache from the wine and beer, you prepare for the meeting that will change your life. You leave for the restaurant 2 hours early, barely able to drive. The excitement is overwhelming. Popping breath mints, and a final splash of Brut, you’re ready to start your new life with your sweetie.

You get the table by the window, just as the two of you had discussed. Your stomach is full of butterflies and your heart is pounding. Suddenly you look up and you see that quiet woman who works one floor up from your department. One could say her hair is a shade of red, mixed with brown roots and plenty of grey. She is short in stature but not exactly ready for bikini weather. It’s been many years since she’s seen 25, she’s probably the same age as you.

When your eyes meet, she smiles at you. Your heart skips a beat. She has a smile that can light up a room. All those mornings of riding in the elevator with her, never speaking, never making eye contact. Her eyes, are beautiful. A clear deep ocean blue. Eyes you could get lost in.

She remains standing, just smiling at you. As you come to your senses, you jump up to pull out her chair and knock over your water glass. As you pull out her chair, she puts her hand on yours. Yes, this is the start of your perfect life.