MOVING BEYOND DIVORCE

You fell in love (or at least you believed you were) and you got married with every intention of having a happy and full life together.  You are realistic enough to not believe in fairy tales and have no doubt you will have your differences from time to time but you honestly believe that nothing is going to happen that the two of you cannot work out and get through together.  That is the way it is supposed to be, two people in love, pulling together, sharing the weight of all life’s ups and downs, being best friends, always there for each other…and it was like that for a little while; and then the hammer fell and you find yourself standing in a divorce court and suddenly it is over.  You and your spouse are now among the ever growing statistics of the divorced society.

This is no time to play the blame game.  Truth is; it takes two, two people to make a marriage work and two people to destroy it.  Don’t blame third parties if there is a third party, don’t blame your children and don’t blame your extended family.  You and your spouse are both adults; responsible people (who may or may not have participated in irresponsible behavior; we all do from time to time) and need to hold yourself accountable for your own actions and decisions.

Don’t feed on gossip and rumors or allow your imagination to play head games with your emotions.  The bottom line is that the two of you either couldn’t or wouldn’t work out the situation that was pulling you down and in different directions and you both played your part and now there is no fix to it; it is broken and you both need to pick up the pieces and move on…and don’t play the blame game.  You both made mistakes.  Admit it and learn from them.

You were married, partners, a part of each other’s life for a long time and even though you both may agree divorce is the only option for the two of you there is still that feeling of loss, failure, emptiness. You have that torn feeling, like there is a hole in your life that needs to be filled but you don’t know how to fill it.  A part of you is missing, no matter what the situation was that brought your marriage to an end and you into that divorce court and you feel that loss.  That is normal. 

Walking into that house or apartment and knowing he/she is not coming home, (no matter how bad the coming home may have been or the dread of that moment you may have felt before you separated) knowing you will not share another meal or sleep in the same bed again, share any more holidays, ever do those things you once enjoyed together again; is the loneliest feeling I have ever known.  That is normal.  A part of you is missing…but you can rebuild.  Life does exist and go on after divorce.

For the first few days (up to a week or so) you will probably just need to go through the motions of living, make yourself do what you need to do; eat, sleep, care for your physical being, go to work, do your shopping, pay your bills; all those day to day things that must be done.  This is a good time to change your furniture around, pack up or get rid of all those constant reminders of what might have been (your now ex-spouse’s things he/she left behind or special gifts from each other that are sitting there to remind you of the loss you are feeling.  Pack away the pictures of the two of you for now and replace them with something else.)  Take this time to digest the decisions that have been made and take an inventory of what you have left.  It is what you have left that you need to rebuild on.  It is okay to feel hurt and feel sad.  It is okay to feel angry.  It is okay to cry.  Give yourself permission to have those feelings and don’t let anyone tell you that you shouldn’t and to just get over it.  Those feelings are real and it is okay but don’t let them consume you to the point that you can’t or won’t move on. 

Now is the time to pamper yourself a little and push yourself into doing something, anything that is productive for your own life.  Get yourself involved in one of those projects you always wanted and intended to do but never found time for in your married life.  You have time now.  Keep yourself busy and don’t dwell on yesterday.  It is over.  You can’t go back and undo or change one yesterday.  You don’t know what the future may hold but you have today and today you need to make the most of it.  Be creative and set up a new routine for your life including those fun things you like to do; you can rework and adjust it later and you will.  Eat healthy and get some extra rest.  Your life has just taken an emotional beating and needs time to recoup. 

Don’t allow yourself to crawl into a shell of loneliness, shame and failure and sit there on your sofa feeling sorry for yourself while you munch on potato chips, cookies and ice cream and stare at the boob-tube not even comprehending what is going on in the programming.  Exercise some damage control by getting active and involved in your life instead.  You are not the first person, nor will you be the last to ever go through a divorce.  Knowing this may not make you feel a whole lot better right now but knowing others have survived should help you realize you will too.

You are not responsible for your ex-spouse or your ex-spouse’s decisions or actions.  It is no longer any of your affair or business.  You are only responsible for you (and your children if children are involved) so don’t waste your time checking up on him/her or listening to gossip and rumors that only serve to stir up old negative feelings and resentments.  The only contact and communication necessary between you and your ex-spouse are where it involves the welfare of your children.  For now that is all you need to be concerned with.

This is no time to put your life on hold and wait around until you feel better, start feeling happy again.  Trust me when I tell you that there is no fairy-godmother that is going to show up and sprinkle happy dust all over you and make life all better and all that hurt go away.  Your happiness, contentment in life, building a full and productive new life for yourself is up to you.  You have to make it happen.  Get out there and do it.  Think positive and believe in yourself.  It really is not the end of the world. 

Remember the story from your childhood about “The Little Train That Could.” Well that is you, and you can.  You will probably spin your wheels a few times and make a few mistakes on your way back up that steep hill but you will make it to the top if you just keep chugging along and you will find yourself building new strengths and confidence and power and you will make it to the top but only if you believe you can; “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can,” and suddenly you realize you made it, you did it.  Hurray for you.  Good job.

One other very important thing, and I am telling you this from my own experience and learning the hard way, you do not need another special he or she in your life right now to make you feel you “have a life.”  It is good to have friends and share time with friends and family but don’t jump from the frying pan into the fire and couple up with someone, try to build a new relationship right now.  Don’t let anyone try to push you into it or goad you into dates or blind-dates, especially single dating.

Your emotions are still too raw and it takes time to heal.  Loneliness and feeling like you are on the outside looking in can lead you down a very dark road if you let yourself get involved too quickly. 

You are still carrying around a lot of old baggage that needs to be dealt with, dumped and getting involved in a new relationship in the first few months or year after your divorce is a bad decision.  You will carry all that old baggage into the new relationship if you don’t get rid of it first and you will only get hurt and probably hurt that new he or she in the process.  Neither of you need that and it will only serve to cripple or maybe even destroy what might turn out to be a beautiful friendship if you don’t get involved too quickly.  It is okay to have friends, even good, and to share time together; and if you do decide to date, keep those dates in public places and not where temptation can lure you into something you will regret later.  Build on friendships but leave the relationship until later; once you have really got your life together again. 

You don’t need a significant other to live your life or have a life of your own. Now is the time for you to enjoy your new independence, your freedom to be you and involve yourself in those things that make you the person you really are inside.  Go back to school.  Finish that degree.  Get involved in a sport or creative activity that you enjoy, the theater, music, pottery, learn a new language or something else you have always wanted to do, whatever interest you.

Get yourself involved in life outside of marriage again.  Get actively involved in your church or other organization you are interested in, the PTA or school sports booster club, scouting; start enjoying that old hobby you loved but put on the back burner for a time, join the writing group or book club at your local library, the garden club, the community band, choir or theater group, take up skiing, skydiving, go to the gym; make new friends in new circles that bring joy to your life.  Keep the old friends so long as they remain truly your friend, otherwise, there is nothing wrong with distancing yourself from them.  Make your life happen and enjoy the freedom to do so.  However, don’t overdo it.  Don’t stretch yourself so thin that your involvement becomes only superficial and you cannot truly enjoy it.     

Above all, don’t neglect your children if there are children involved.  They are children and your responsibility and their welfare need to come first.  Include them in your life where possible and is appropriate and stay involved in theirs but don’t smother them either to cover up or try to fill your own emptiness.  You can still be a whole family and unless there is a justifiable, legal reason not to, you need to let your children be a part of both their parent’s new life and don’t ever, ever make them feel they are in any way to blame for your broken marriage.  They are not. 

Your children need to know that it is okay to love both parents and be a part of both of your lives no matter which one of you is now the custodial parent.  Children adjust well when it is made acceptable and they are given reasonable explanations, without all the details.  No matter how you may feel toward your ex-spouse, do not cut that person down to or in front of your children or allow others to do that.  That is not acceptable behavior.  Your ex-spouse is still their mom or dad.  They love both of you.  Be glad.

Your “I love you truly, happily ever after” dream didn’t happen.  You’re divorced.  Learn from the mistakes you both made and move on beyond the circumstance.  There really is life beyond the divorce court but it is up to you to make it happen and to live it.

Everyone wishes to speak to let their views be known and opinions be considered. Its entirely right but what if your silence is far better than speaking.

Silence not for unconcern but for total inclusion and full participation. Did something wrong, mum didn’t like it, she didn’t speak a word, her looks said it all I felt really bad and quickly was remorseful. In a similar situation, she spoke aloud, insulted me and deep within me, I replied and insulted her.

Indeed, her silence was best to make me regret and accept my mistake. Don’t forget, too much of it is bad. Talking at certain times is a nuisance. Too much talking ends you up exaggerating then makes you a liar because both are linked to each other.

To be wise, speak when you genuinely have to, when its right, when its necessary.

Silence can indeed be better than speaking at certain instances.

My name is Octavia Garcia, and I am here to confess that my husband was the worst kind of idealist. He had these huge thoughts that he believed and believed in. He could and would trust you, no matter what dirt you’d committed in your life, as long as you presented him with an idea he could fathom. I always had mixed emotions about that, sometimes I hated him for it. I didn’t understand how a person could be so naive, but at the same time I loved that he was such a trusting person, it is rare that someone just trusts. I used to joke that his endless trust would be the death of him, who knew that for years I foreshadowed into our future.

I saw it. I knew this was coming, I just chose to turn a blind eye. Every now and then Enrique would go into town and come back telling me of the money in America. How every kid goes to school in brand new clothes, no one ever goes hungry because food fills every fridge, and nobody has to borrow money due to endless jobs. He would go on and on about how if he could just make it to Estados Unidos he could take care of me and our children, and how he could be the man his father raised not the person he was now who couldn’t even buy a pinche mochilla for Alexis. Maybe I just didn’t understand the male ego, but I didn’t think of him as any less of a man because he couldn’t give us material things. I could have cared less. Yes we needed and still need, but I would rather have him here standing beside me for Alexis birthday than lost in foreign land alone.

I can’t help but rub my eyes, everything is so bright. I just remember walking and walking until I pleaded with my body for just one more step all I wanted was a backpack and pencils for my son, but my body told me no. I dropped to my knees, once more I begged my body just to stand but I knew I couldn’t. I teetered on my knees for a while, until my bones told me enough of that and I fell over. Lying on my side I look up and see the sky. It’s a bright blue, not a cloud in sight. Just a expanse of endless blue, such pretty blue. I lift my cheek off the steaming cracked ground and stare up at my tormentor. A brighter golden yellow than I’ve ever experienced. I remember sitting out with Alexis watching the sun set, but now it all seems so stupid. How could I think that this was beautiful, the very thing that is going to kill me? I wasn’t raised to be a man full of regret and I have lived this way my entire life but at this moment I just wanna go back. Go back to the morning I left my wife and son. The morning I put on my favorite boots and rode into town. The same morning I broke her heart by leaving. The very morning I signed my life away. If only I could go back and sleep in an extra hour or even fifteen minutes and have woken up not to leave but to eat breakfast with my family. It wouldn’t have been much but it would’ve been better that this. I need to close my eyes just for a second. I close them and I see Octavia and Alexis running around, I can’t help but smile. I feel myself starting to fall asleep, but I know this is no regular sleep. If only it was and I could wake up with Octavia in my arms.

My name is Enrique Landeros Garcia. My name is Reyno Bartolo. My name is Abraham Morales Hernandez. My name is Lorenzo Ortiz Hernandez. We didn’t come here to be movie stars. We didn’t come to corrupt your daughters. We didn’t come to steal your jobs, or money. We came here with the purest of intentions, with no evil thoughts or goals in mind. I wanted to add a roof to my house, he wanted a spare room, and we all wanted to hopefully earn enough money to feed our families.

Once the thought of coming to the United States entered our minds, there was no helping us. From then on out all we could eat, sleep, and breath was how to get to the US. It didn’t help that from the time we were young we heard stories about how everyone there had money, we bought American cigarettes that we smoked in secret, or listened to your pop stars on the radio. We had no idea that on the morning we woke up to come to your country that during our journey our lives would end.

A neighbor comes beating on the door early in the morning, so early that it’s still dark out. I hear shouting. “Octavia Octavia venido aqui.” I rush to the door barely dressed, I see that it’s my cousin Theresa. She tells me of how in town a man called for me saying that they have Enrique’s body. I feel my heart stop, it’s not as if I’m surprised. But I guess some of his idealism rubbed off on me during our time together. I kind of hoped that he would come through the door one day to reclaim his boots. She also tells me how they are sending his body here and how everyone is already talking about the funeral. He’s coming home. He died doing what he thought would help our family, I feel as if I owe him one last favor. My husband is coming home and his boots will be ready.

Some see this as an act of heroism, as others view the man as a cold blooded killer, responsible for the death of three men who’s lives were not destined to be over. Either way, what these rapists have left the poor daughter to deal with is terrible, and she will always have to deal with a virus that could at any point take all that she has left in punishment for inhabiting this cruel world. They did that without regret, without morals, without a drop of remorse, and yet what they were dealed in return is not, by law justified by their actions.

This leaves another uncomfortable predicament; what if those were the wrong guys? Now not only are they not punishable by the death penalty, they may be completely innocent. Until these victims have been found to have raped the daughter of their violent axe murderer in a court of law, these are completely regular people, having done nothing to deserve been hacked into two pieces by an angry daddy.

Reports are yet to be heard of how the father’s court battle is playing out, but as far as I’m concerned, he’s facing three counts of murder and one of attempted murder on the man who escaped. He is also looking at charges for stalking his victims for several days before the event.

Have you ever sat in total bewilderment, mulling over some of the things your significant other, friend or co-worker  has done or said?  Do you find yourself often wondering how they can be so totally oblivious to the pain they cause others or seem so cold and uncaring about what others are going through? It may be that you are involved with a sociopath (or socialized psychopath).  Before you get yourself worked up, I must say that sociopaths are generally not potential mass murderers, but a close professional or personal relationship with a psychopath will likely be damaging to the other individual.

Sociopaths are often difficult to spot because they have learned to mimic feelings and emotions by observing those around them. They have a good idea of how most people will react to a certain situation, so they will react in that manner. Without the advantage of watching others, they would have no idea of how to interact with their fellow human beings.

One of the more obvious characteristics of a sociopath is that they give the impression of talking “at” you and not to you.  You are really not important, and it doesn’t matter if you are interested in what they have to say. They just have the need to unload their vast “knowledge” on someone and you happen to be the most convenient. They are very self-important, and are willing to use and manipulate others to achieve their own selfish goals.  They feel entitled to certain things and have no qualms about lying, cheating or stealing to get those things.  In a sexual relationship, you are treated much like a cardboard cut-out or blow-up doll; you are just an object for their personal gratification and your likes or dislikes matter not at all to them.

The next big tip-off is the sociopath’s inability to emotionally connect with others. Sympathy, empathy, and remorse or regret for mistreatment of others are all lost on the sociopathic individual. He (or she) cannot understand your pain or sadness, and any attempt to display emotion or sympathy will come off as contrived and very unconvincing.  This is especially true when your emotional turmoil comes at a time that is inconvenient for the sociopath. That is to say, your feelings and need for sympathy are interfering with the things the sociopath is trying to accomplish. Typically, the sociopath wants you to feel sorry for him instead, so that he can use it to his advantage.

Since your garden variety sociopath doesn’t spend much time dealing with feelings or relationships (which take up much of a “normal” person’s time), he is often bored and, therefore, needs constant stimulation. He needs to be going somewhere or doing something all the time.  Sometimes this leads to the sociopath taking unnecessary risks in order to garner some excitement in his life. Also, the less time spent being concerned about people and their problems gives the sociopath more time to plot, plan, and scheme about how to get what he wants from his victims.

The sociopath is a natural “taker”. He is never a giver unless, ultimately, the giving results in someone feeling obligated to him. He has no problem leeching off those who care about him. All aspects of life, to the sociopath, are viewed as games to be won at any price.  

To date, there are no real treatment options. Most psychologist agree that therapy makes them worse because they use the therapeutic interactions to learn more about human vulnerabilities they can then exploit. They learn how to manipulate better and they learn better excuses that others will believe. The best advice to date is this:

If you are in a relationship with a sociopath; get out as quickly as possible.  For a list of traits associated with a sociopath, follow this link:

 http://www.cix.co.uk/~klockstone/teleg.htm

©2011 – Andrea J. Shannon

“I cannot believe that you would do such a thing! Does our wedding vows mean nothing to you? All the promises that you would never hurt me are all lies, aren’t they?” screamed Lyna as she paces up and down.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know why I did it.” pleaded her husband.

“You don’t know why? How is it possible that you do not know why you cheat on me? With a girl on the internet half your age? Were you not thinking when you had internet sex with her? Did you hand automatically started screwing yourself with your knowledge?!” screamed Lyna with tears filling up her eyes.

“I’m sorry, I really am,” pleaded her husband as he tries to comfort her.

“Don’t touch me with your disgusting hands, you pervert! Just leave me alone. I hate you!” shouted Lyna at his face and stormed off.

“Why is this happening to me? Am i not a good wife? Am i hideous? I sacrificed everything for him; my family, my home, my friends, my country, myself…”Lyna kept questioning herself, crying and sobbing.

“Lyna! Watch out!” screamed her husband.

“Wha-”

B-e-e-p!

To read the full article, please go to the author’s website.  This article has been moved do to copyright concerns.

You will have to get rid of your pride. If you are too proud and think you are too manly to say you are sorry, you will not bother to do it.

It is important to get into the habit of doing it regularly. As they say, “Practice makes perfect.”

You must develop your ability to genuinely feel remorse. Without it, any act of contrition is hollow and meaningless.

Are you familiar with the phrase that goes, “Timing is everything”? It is imperative to pick the right time to express regret. Sometimes, you should do it on the spot. Other times, it is best to wait until later to do it in order to give the other person time to blow off steam and accept what you have to say.

If you have the opportunity, you should make an attempt to have someone who was on the receiving end of a sin you committed meet you. This can be a powerful way to satisfy both of you while helping your victim feel a sense of closure.

You must accept apologies from those who do something wrong to you. If you do not, how can you expect to be able to convince others to forgive you for your sins?

Once you apologize, you must never make a particular transgression again. Otherwise, you are wasting your time and ruining your credibility.

You must never brag about something you have done or wait for someone to prod you to repent. If you do, you will have a hard time convincing someone you mean it if you decide to seek his or her blessing later.

Avoid smirking, buying expensive gifts and having insincerity in your voice while trying to make it up to someone. If you do, you will be more convincing.

You must eliminate your fear. Keep in mind it is not the end of the world if someone does not accept your apology; besides, the sooner you get it over with, the better.

Do what you have learned to master the art of apologizing!

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Forgiveness is a topic that comes to face most people at least once in a while. It’s difficult to say towards which end of the problem we face most often. To forgive or be forgiven? Both are preferable to one alone, but we spend much more time wanting to be forgiven by those who have gone over us. And we want it in particular ways; with deep humility and true regret. Although few may admit to it, the fantasy of being ‘properly’ asked for forgiveness might occupy as much subconscious real-estate as the revenge fantasies we indulge in during our weaker moments. Yet, I find myself spending time these days wording if people can forgive at all. Can we forgive?

A big principal of 12 step recovery is admittance of your various wrongdoings and undertaking amends to correct them. This is approached with great caution, and should not be done if the amendment were to harm somebody else. It has been said that this is done for the purposes of “one’s own sanity”; a type of exorcism of toxic guilt one may or may not know they retain. But outside of recovery meetings, the topic of forgiveness is rarely breached. If you are a churchgoer, you are reminded that the divine forgiveness of God can only be obtained through devotion to God’s will, or some other variation of that adage. Children are often taught how to apologize by their parents. Some cultures place more importance on it than others (in Japan, people are expected to make relatively large, public displays when they apologize).  

To set a goal of “forgiving” someone is akin to setting a goal of “losing weight”. You lose weight by: A. Changing what you eat and B. Increasing your amount of activity. And how you do these 2 things can greatly differ among many diverse schools of thought. How many different forms of exercise can you think of? Or different types of diets? As many people can tell you themselves, finding the way is not as difficulty as sticking to the road. Forgiveness is similar to losing weight, you can forgive with: A. Words and/or B. Actions. But how you do it, and how often you can maintain discipline to these 2 principals, will greatly determine the amount of success you achieve.

Years ago, I read an article (I forgot who wrote it) that stated that forgiveness is a choice we make, and that in order to forgive we must simply do so. This is to say, you may be mad, upset or hurt by the one who has wronged you, and you may hold on to these feelings for a very long time, but you can also simultaneously forgive them if you choose to. You may have to have a serious amount of stamina to sustain a forgiving attitude depending on how much you have been wronged.

It sounds easy enough. You forget nothing, you just forgive.

Forgiveness is not for you; not something you do to “feel better”. When you forgive someone else, you cannot sit back and wait to reap the rewards of a clean mental slate. Well, you could wait to get the results, but they would be false comforts. If you forgive someone because you think they’re a jerk or fool and forgiving them makes you the better person, all you have done is insisted upon gaining the upper hand. In other words, the forgiveness you have granted only sustains the belief that you are less than someone else by trying to rise above them. So again, forgiveness is not undertaken for you to unburden yourself.

Forgiveness is a momentary point in time, not a permanent state of refuge from harm or pain. In fact forgiveness can make a person feel worse in the short term. To forgive is to admit you were duped, bamboozled. Our ego doesn’t like to do that (if we honestly admit we got fooled or victimized, it hurts). Pride is what holds a grudge. But such pride (or shame) is human nature.

So remove your ego and go for forgiveness? Should or can you forgive another? In this respect, forgiveness may be like a Zen koan. Its dialectic is irresolvable and paradoxical. The reason to forgive someone is to make yourself peaceful and unstuck from the past, but if you forgive another for selfish reasons the forgiveness is not genuine.

On my good days I can forgive other people. On my bad days there are no such compromise.

I wonder if I can ever know how much I may have hurt other people, or if I truly want to know. Sometimes I forget the street runs both ways.

I’m thinking about this topic because I feel it’s significant, and I am trying to apply it to my own life at the moment. I wonder if I can forgive some people I have known. Sometimes it seems I can, other times it seems impossible. But perhaps that’s what forgiveness is; a struggle to transcend a selfish state and understand other people and their limitations by confronting your own.

Forgiveness is not necessary or always the ‘right thing’ to do. On the contrary, if you’re not prepared to forgive someone and try to, it’s like trying to learn to swim by practicing in a lake on a moonless night. The right idea, the wrong time to do it. Think long and hard about who you wish to forgive and why, enlist advice or support from other people if you can. But do try it. Don’t become frustrated if you see no progress right away, or if you don’t hear what you want to hear. Forgiveness seems a practice of an act, and not a single act itself.