I had been struggling with my own existence, thousands of thoughts erupting in mind and trying to suppress me. I had not been able to decide for myself.

Joe Bruno was driving his car at slow speed, intermittently talking with me, trying to emphasize his ideas by often raising his hands from the steering, thus adding to my discomfort, for I was afraid of unprecedented.

His ideas about America were not normal, “Human body is also an industry in this country. Doctors live on the earnings through those bodies. They keep on trying to search for an ailment, notwithstanding no prominent signs, to add to the number of visits and add to their bill. If the disease is terminal, their delight knows no bounds because they get research material for free and income to boot. You are crying with pain, and he is thinking of buying a new car or a bigger house…”

A few minutes ago, he was frequently raising his one hand but now I saw that he had begun to raise both hands to add to the strength of his words. I was feeling very uncomfortable and, perhaps, he guessed it too and stopped the car.

He did not stop speaking, “For him, your body is a defective machine. He will rectify one part but loosen many screws so that you would keep on visiting him. What remains there when you are evaluated as a machine?”

What he said was logical and interesting. I was listening very attentively.

“When human is replaced by money in the centre, the planet will be dead. No one in this capitalist country understands it and everyone is madly participating in the race to earn more …”

Joe Bruno had started the topic after reading a news item in the morning newspaper. An eighty five years old man, who was on the verge of death, had been brought back to life by the efforts of a doctor in a hospital. Actually, the intake of oxygen had been stopped and oxygen was pumped into his lungs. He was saved but one side of his body was paralyzed because of lack of oxygen. The man had filed a court case against the hospital because they had left him handicapped for the rest of his life. He did not have a single penny on him to pay the bill of the hospital. He did not want to live the life returned to him.

Though Joe Bruno was living in advanced American society, he did not belong there. About twenty years ago, he had come from Italy. He was newly married then. His wife had insisted on going to America from Italy. Like me, he had reached America when he was nineteen years old. Though he had spent more than two decades in America, his Italian accent, while speaking English, was quite obvious. A few things never change and they should not be changed.

He was a brave man and he decided to enter the stock market where he was fairly successful. He earned a lot of money there and then started his own TV channel ‘Third World’. He began to host talk-shows, inviting college professors, intellectuals and specialists from various fields. They talked about religion, politics, economy, social problems of the third world countries. It was a cable TV Channel so the number of viewers was limited. Every week, Joe Bruno hosted one programme personally. He did not like doing the work at stock exchange, selling and buying shares, for he said that he had to lie everyday and he hated that part of the trade. He wanted to leave that business.

I had met him regarding his programme on TV. He had interviewed me about the condition of the women who came to America from Asian countries, especially India. I am not an authority on the subject; on the contrary, I am a victim of the circumstances. I had been treated very badly by my husband who had married me in India and brought me here.

Any Indian woman could have gone to that programme, for most of the women who come from Asian countries are suppressed by their husbands. Joe Bruno had been to India and he had made a documentary on lower caste and suppressed Indian women but no TV station had bought that film. He had already shown that film on his own cable TV channel but he was waiting for someone to pay good pr ice so that he could meet the expenses which had gone in the making of that film. His cable TV channel did not get any advertisements and sponsors so it was very difficult to meet the expenses.

In his fit of anger he would say, “Either fashion or politics rules this country. India is not much into fashion; Russia and Korea are, so most of the business is with them. Most of the advertisements are of the Chinese products because they are ruling the present market. If you don’t produce fashionable things, you are out of circulation. There is nothing in the name of humanity, though America talks loudly about human values and help to the suppressed people. They only talk and talk but do nothing.”

Sometimes I thought that he was interested in me only because I was one of the representatives of the suppressed class of the third world. I had not been sacrificed on the name of dowry and I had not been beaten, as he may have thought.

A man from the United States of America had rescued my poor parents from their misery and married me without any dowry and I had been brought to Flushing in America to his house. Frankly speaking, I was no more than a housewife who took care of the house, or more bluntly speaking a maid who was given the job of cleaning and cooking in that house. He was in love with another woman but she did not want to marry him and give birth to his children. I was needed for the works which she was not ready to do.

Perhaps, God showed mercy and decided not to bless me with a child. I was unable to conceive in spite of all the expensive treatments he provided. It was a kind of blessing in disguise. I was free from all the responsibilities which I was supposed to carry.

Joe Brown loved me and he would marry me if I took divorce from my husband. He has given his promise over and again.  I have been trying to gather the courage to inform my husband, the lover of the other woman, that I am not as weak as he takes me for. The very thought of divorce frightens me, for it is never an acceptable word in the society I was brought up in. Maybe, this fear of unknown has forced me to postpone the thought of taking any such action. It frightens me that I would be leaving my Indian husband and marrying an Italian man. But when Bruno is with me, I forget everything and I feel that I am much inferior to him when it comes to his superior thoughts. According to Joe Bruno, humanity can’t be divided into castes and races, for we all are humans. The love and respect he gave to India and Indians was never shown by my Indian husband.

One of these days, I want to tell my husband, “Here is your house, you can take it back. This house-maid is returning your house. You must have been a Messiah for my poor parents but to me you are evil, a Satan, a disgusting creature!”

Notwithstanding all the adversities in my life in America, I think all is well. Had it not been for my husband, I would not have come here and I would not have realized my potential. Somewhere in a dark corner of my heart I thanked him. Had he not treated me as his servant, I would not have met Joe Bruno.

I had told Bruno that I would marry him after the successful result of the exam of the college that I had taken. I would get a good job and then it would be easier for two of us to live together as husband and wife.

There were two negative points attached to my existence: one was my parents’ poverty which compelled them to send me away, without ever realizing what would happen to me, and the second was my incapability in earning my livelihood. I had never learned anything which could provide me with some income. I had started working as a baby-sitter here and rejoined a college to further my education. I was sure to get the job of a teacher after the completion of my course in my college. The hopes were very high.

I don’t want to compete with Joe Bruno and I definitely don’t want to challenge him in anything. He is quite different from my father and my husband. He does not stay at one place for long. He keeps on visiting India, Nepal, Burma, Tibet, and all other parts of the world where he hopes to find something to add to his knowledge of humans and human behavior. He is definitely a very strange creature and it is very difficult to hold him at one place. He is not like that and I don’t want to make him do anything which he does not want to do.

Bruno is interested in ancient civilizations and his search takes him to the most inaccessible parts of the world. He has a great respect for Hinduism and he often tells me, “You don’t know that you are very special people. I want to call the attention of the world towards the significant ancient culture of India and the present condition of the poor people there. People will be interested in investing in India if we show them the potential of the manpower in India. They must be attracted to them and that is why I make the documentaries to show them the people who had established the most ancient civilization in this world.”

Bruno was never much interested in being rich. He would work for a few months and earn some money but after that he would start his world tour again. He would say, “When I am away from America, I miss you and, frankly speaking, I come back only for you, otherwise there is not much in America to call me back. Stone-hearted people live in America.”

He did not like American girls and he said, “You are quite different from the girls here. You are very sweet, soft, and kind hearted. I never date American girls, for they are like men in their mannerism. That delicateness of hensure woman, that demureness of the Asian women, that loveliness of behavior is missing in them. They are frank, shameless, and harsh in their manners. This Feminism has destroyed the American society.”

In his embrace I felt like a very delicate petal though I was habitual to being crushed brutally by my husband and used to being kissed savagely and rashly. Bruno kisses every part of my body and describes every part very aesthetically. Whenever he does so, I feel that I am a virgin and I am being touched for the first time by a man. Before making love to me, he asks for my permission and if I am in another mood, he does not try to impose himself upon me. He respects my feelings and loves even my denials.

My parents and my husband have never taken me as seriously as Bruno does. He does not fake anything. For all that, I would be surprised that he put me in the category of good girls only because I was an Indian.

I liked it when he said, “You are real woman, Indian woman. The women in America have lost their womanhood, they are just like men. The women in America have lost their womanhood, they are just like men. You may fall in love with them but you always fear their presence, for you are not sure when they would try to teach you certain principles. They don’t understand the delicacy of love and any instant they can shatter your love life with their slogans of equality of women!”

I would try to tease him, “Do you really know many American women?”

“Not now! You are the only woman in life and you will be the only woman in future!”

He had already told me that he was married once but they were divorced now.

“Was your wife an American?”

“Half American, half German, the worst mixture!”
“Do you have any children?”

“No.”

He did not want to continue the conversation about his past life. If I wanted to continue, he changed the subject.

“I want to shower all my love on you. I want to take all your troubles and sorrows. We will lead a life full of love and happiness.”

He would joke that he did not want any dowry and my in-laws won’t trouble me. He would continue that I would not be his servant and I would not be forced to fulfill his sexual needs. He wanted to live a shared life with me, in a world that would be dominated by love and only love.

How beautiful the map of life seems to be! Joe Bruno had come like a Messiah in my life.

In those days, someone informed me that a certain Swami Viratananda was in town. He had cured many people of their ailments. I was obviously curious because they said that he could predict the future of people with precision.

I said to Joe Bruno, “Let’s go and meet this Swami. You are curious to know about Hinduism and certain other things which, I think, this Swami will tell correctly.”

The Swami had a very pleasing personality and Bruno was almost hypnotized.

Bruno said to me, “He is not a common human being. First time in my life someone has told me everything about my life and the correct reasons behind my failures. He informed me about the wrong decisions which I had taken.”

Suddenly, I noticed that the joy and liveliness that dominated his face had vanished. I saw suspicion, confusion, and fear in his eyes.

“But why do you think that you are a failure?”

He took a deep breath and said, “What is it otherwise? I have taken wrong decisions. I married a wrong girl, I studied to be an engineer but I was not interested in it, I started as a stock-broker but the work did not suit my nature, I made a film which no one is ready to buy. I could never become the person that I wanted to be. Everything is so confusing.”

So far, I had only seen the capable side of his personality but what I was seeing was totally unexpected. I felt, perhaps, he had begun to feel inferior after his meeting with the Swami. I had made Bruno my God but now I was in confusion, however, I did not lose my calm.

The Swami had said to me, “You are going to see a very drastic change in your life.”

I was pleased because at last there was going to be a change. I heard the jingle of millions of bells, the wedding bells. I was ecstatic but I concealed my feelings.

The Swami had called Bruno again. I was not invited so I did not go. After that Bruno began to visit him more frequently. One day he phoned me and invited me to a Chinese restaurant.

He said very seriously, “I want to share something with you….”

I could feel that he was disturbed and he wanted to talk with me.

“I have a daughter…” said he and waited for my reaction.

I felt that there was nothing to hide because he had already left his first wife. I did not know how to react to the situation, though I was a little hurt that Bruno had lied to me.

“Does she live with you?”

“No, she is with her mother.”

It seemed that something was troubling him but I could not tell him anything.

“Actually, she is not well. My ex-wife did not even inform me that she was in such a bad situation. She has left going to school.”

“What has happened to her?”

“Some kind of mental disorder she has. I want to send her to a doctor but my ex-wife does not agree. After all she is a German, stubborn!”

“So much has happened and you did not know anything? Don’t you visit your daughter?” I was equally disturbed and I wanted to share his agony.

“No, I have not met her for past few years. Now, she does not want to meet me. I don’t know what her mother has taught her about me. Last week I met her and took her out for dinner. She said that I am selfish. Italians are bad and they don’t care about the feelings of others. She was repeating the lines of her mother. Up to this day, I have been paying for her studies and other expenses but now I am shattered because my own daughter thinks this about me,” said Bruno in a very sad tone.

He was revealing the world that I was totally unknown to. For all that, I was sympathetic towards him.

“You should not feel bad, Joe. Children always belong to their mother and your daughter lives with your ex-wife,” I tried to assure him that I was with him.

“But it does not mean that she should keep on inciting my daughter against me. I love my daughter very much but when the same daughter speaks like that… who else is there in this world that I can call my own?” said he.

His last sentence hurt me. It meant I was no one to him. He was right because I was the wife of somebody else. He could not call me his own. We had only the relation of promises and assurances between us. But there was no suspicion: there was faith everywhere. I wanted to kiss him on his forehead so that he could understand that I cared for him but I controlled myself because people were staring at us. I pressed his hand very gently.

“I think I should take her to the Swami. Maybe, he could bless her,” said Bruno.

“Do you believe that he has this power?”

“Yes, I do.”

His positivity troubled me because he was deeply under the influence of the Swami. He was taking the Swami very seriously. But I did not want to discourage him in any way. I was not sure whether I knew much about the Swami.

“You can take her there.”

“Only if she agrees!”

After the lunch, we came to his apartment. While making love to him, I felt that our relation had found a new ground.

I met him again after three days. He was not himself. He said that his daughter had refused to go to the Swami.

“Can I do something in it?”

“No, Swami has said that he would do something to change her mind. Tanu, you have given me a very great support. I am obliged to you. You are like a breath of fresh air in my shattered life. Please, remain constant and never change.”

My exams were about to begin in a few days and I was studying very seriously. I wanted to pass the exam to buy my freedom. My husband did not know anything about my personal life because he came back home late at night. He could only be found at home when his relatives came from India. He gave me money for home expenses and my school fee. I did not know what he did when he was out of the house. I was not interested in all that. In early days of our married life, I would be disturbed because I did not want him to be away from home. I wanted to be with him but now things were different. Freedom was my only aim and I was ready to go to any extent to achieve my freedom.

It was the day of my final paper and I was overjoyed. After the paper, I wanted to inform Bruno first. I rushed to the nearest phone booth and dialed his number. After three rings, he picked the receiver.

“Now, I am free, Bruno,” said I very ecstatically.

“Hello, Tanu, that is very nice.”

“Can I come to your apartment now?”

“No, I think we should not meet again.”

I was shocked as if the world had been destroyed before my eyes.

“Why do you say so?”

“The Swami has said that our union is not good for our future. I should not meet you,” said he very gravely.

“And you believed him?”

“Of course, whatever he told me about my life is hundred percent true…”

“Stupid Swami! Who is he to interfere in our lives?” I was literally shouting.

“Tanu, calm down, I think it is for our betterment.”

“You met this person, clad in orange robe, a few days ago and now he is everything for you!”

“I respect him.”

“You can never respect anyone for long,” I was obviously furious.

I wanted to say something but he disconnected the line.

I felt giddiness and my legs refused to support me. It meant I had to go back to my dungeon. I could never gain my liberty. Will I have to start all over again to find another Bruno?

Ten years have passed and I am happy with my life. I dated many men but I found that I could not prepare myself to marry any of them. I had left my husband’s house a few weeks after that telephonic talk with Bruno.

I had some money saved from the household expenses. I left New York and came to California. I applied for a job and luckily I found the job of teaching. Before moving into my own apartment, I had spent three weeks in night shelters. Life was very challenging in those days but now I am cool, really cool, as the Americans say.

I had been trying to find a modern God but now I know that God had left this earth thousands of years ago.