How you say things, who you are saying them to and how you want a person to hear what you are saying. There are certain words that hold a certain meaning no matter how you try to sugar coat it, it doesn’t change the meaning of the word.

Allow…..Permit……

In a relationship there are two people. My husband and I talked about these words last night and about a post I read yesterday. You see we are a team. We work together. We discuss our plans, we decide how to do things and we compromise if we see things differently.

That is why they took out the word obey in the vows. There is no need for another adult to lead another. It is two grown people in a relationship.

We don’t allow or permit one another to do things. Those are controlling words, no matter how you sugar coat them. You see them on street signs. You are allowed to park for 2 hours, You are permitted to park in the green to unload. 

We don’t need permission to do things in a relationship, both are adults. You give kids permission. You allow kids to do things. Employers give permission and so forth.

In a relationship why should your partner permit or allow another adult to do anything? Adults know what their limitations already are. If they don’t then they don’t respect your relationship.

If you have to set guidelines, rules and barriers maybe you picked the wrong person. Maybe you don’t have the same values and morals.

When we give advice to others regarding marriage or relationships we should always be careful of the words, especially women. We can’t say something one way then pounce on a man for saying something the same way except using the word woman instead of man.

I recently saw a post about how to change a man into prince charming. Oh the women were all on it. But if the post were about changing a woman into a princess and what a man wanted the women would have a fit. So women have to be fair about language..words……

So yes language…words is everything…You cant play word games…..So I dont like the words permission or allow in a relationship nor does my husband, that is our preference.

So in a relationship …..

If you have to give Permission or get permission to do something

If you have to allow them to do something or be allowed to do something

Maybe just maybe…..Hmmmmm….My personal feeling is if I was in a relationship like that…I would feel like I never left home. I would still be under my parents control.

Well this person’s name is John Bird!  Still doesn’t ring any bells?  Well what if I were to tell you that he is the founder of Big Issue, the magazine you’ve probably seen been sold by homeless people outside shops and on busy high streets.  Now while you may feel that the Big Issue is simply a capitalist venture which exploits the poor, let me now tell you that nothing is further from the truth.  Instead, it is designed to give homeless people a chance to make some money for themselves and teaches them all about saving bit money so that they can further buy their next bundle of magazines (and make subsequent profit).  I have even researched further and found that according to many who been homeless; Big Issue enabled them to gain the money to rent out a small room to live in, taking them off the streets.

So despite what many people may say, Big Issue has actually improved (and saved) a vast number of people’s lives, effectively turning would-be down and outs into productive citizens of the community.  Yet what is not known about the founder of Big Issue, John Bird, is that he himself didn’t come from privileged background.  He quite openly admits that as a child and young adult, he grew up in poor parts of East London, turning to crime, etc.  He spent large amount of his younger years going in and out of juvenile centres and subsequently, prisons.

Yet by the same philosophy which he brings to Big Issue, he subsequently turned his life around and has become a thriving philanthropist.  Part of his philosophy which I have found to be a great advantage in my life is the idea of taking small steps to success (or 3% rule as he refers to it).  If you would like to find out more about how intentionally taking small steps can lead to success, please read my subsequent article, ‘Small Steps To Success.’

If you would like to find out more on Bird’s philosophy to success, I would recommend purchasing his personal development book ‘Change Your Life’ from Amazon or click on following link.

John Bird Book

If asked, probably everyone would reply that they would like to be respected at work. Everyone who doesn’t feel respected at work has negative feeling about their workplace. Disrespect creates a negative spiral of hostility, paranoid behaviour, bullying and often harassment not to mention the deterioration of the working environment and the lowering of the work efficiency. Typically these negative feelings grow over time unless something is done about them.

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So, what can you do to gain respect at the workplace?

The first thing to do is to understand what respect means. Respect is not adoration, worship or public eulogies. Least of all it is that you agree totally with the other person. That is sheepish behaviour. In fact, two persons who seem to be disagreeing often can have great respect for each other. 

Discover the different kinds of respect

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There are two kinds of respect: ascribed respect, which comes form a person’s position, social standing, age, experience or family name etc. This is formally ascribed to kings, presidents, generals, parents and elders (in some cultures) or top managers in companies even if many “subordinates” don’t feel that they have earned the respect.

The second kind of respect is earned respect, which usually comes from personal attributes. This kind of respect is earned over a longer period of time. Personal attributes likes honesty, integrity, diligence, steadfastness, kindness, fairness, gentle manners, decency, professional success or involvement in social affairs are usually seen to be characteristics that earn an individual the respect of the work community in different cultures all over the globe. Even persons who are not entitled to the nominal ascribed respect can earn more respect this way.

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Barriers to Gaining Respect in the Workplace

Then you need to discover the barriers to respect at the workplace. Rather often these are:

• Lack of Integrity
• Conflicting Morals
• Conflicting standards of Honesty, Diligence and Fairness
• Low Self-Respect
• Too much Stress 

 Typically, workplaces where fear rules or there is a “dog-eats-dog” atmosphere, the rules of survival and prospering are sometimes very underhand. People resort to cheating, lying, being mean, making promises they can’t keep and blaming failures on others.

How to begin to earn respect

You can’t earn respect by banging your fist and demanding respect. Neither can you earn respect even if there are a thousand laws requiring people at the workplace to respect you. This is because respect is a two-way bridge.

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The first step is stopping to reflect and think. Real thinking and not just letting those random train of thoughts, grievance and complaints going round and round in your head, is extremely difficult. Try, and you’ll catch yourself chasing random and insignificant thoughts, which lead you nowhere.

Ask yourself:

• How do others really see me? If you can, ask someone who can and will tell you something helpful about it.
• What are my values? Are they the same as other people’s values? Am I prepared to stand for my values, face conflicts and pay a price for standing up?
• What do I contribute? How do others see my contribution? Are they even aware of what I contribute or can contribute?
• How do I see the other person? Do I really make an effort to understand what the other person really wants?
• What am I good at? Can I improve myself and become even better?
• For what do I want to be respected? What exactly am I doing to make that happen?
• What concrete actions am I taking to change the things that bother me, in myself, at the workplace?

If you can stand these questions and handle them, you will have discovered some things about yourself that you probably don’t like. Sinking into feelings of self-deprecation (“Oh! I am so pathetic!” or “No wonder everyone hates me!” is a terrible trap, very difficult to climb out of. The crucial step then is to make an action plan about what you are doing to improve things, concrete steps. Then write this action plan down and add a schedule to it.  Take it in your hands regularly, daily, every week and check your progress and reward yourself for even the tiniest progress.

In a short time, you will notice changes happening to you. Others will soon notice a change in you. You have then taken a great leap towards earning respect.

Image by oseillo via Flickr

Pornography is now regarded as a legitimate slice of entertainment and we have to accept it. Pornography robs its victims of self-respect and of an appreciation of the beauties of life. It tears down those who indulge and pulls them into a slough of evil thoughts and possibly evil deeds. It seduces, destroys and distorts the truth about love and intimacy. It is as addictive and self-destructive as illicit drugs and it literally destroys the personal relationships of those who become its slaves.

Infidelity, promiscuity and sexual indulgence, in all their forms come trailing a host of ills – life-threatening disease; the insecurity of sexual involvement without commitment or even without love, in many cases – the deterioration of ones feelings of value and self-worth; the breach of personal integrity; the threat of unwanted pregnancy and many more.

Courtesy of Triond

The challenge to recognize evil and oppose it is one that every moral, virtuous person must accept. It all begins with our own personal virtue. Reformation of the world begins with reformation of us. We cannot hope to influence others in the direction of moral virtues unless we live of virtue. Respect for self is the beginning of cultivating virtue in men and women.

Our challenge is to lift our thoughts above the filth’s, to discipline our acts into an example of virtue, to control our words so that we speak only that which is uplifting and leads to growth. When we stood back to compare the dirty surface with the clean, it was amazing to see how much better the clean surface looked and to notice how dirty the walls have become without our realizing it.

It says that both experience and Divine wisdom dictate that moral virtue and cleanliness pave the way that leads to strength of character, peace of mind and heart and happiness in life. As a great moral reformation will occur only as reformation takes place in the hearts, minds and lives of each of us; as morality is reinstated as a priority in the homes of the country; and as men and women, boys, and girls – realizing their lives are missing a critical moral component and determine to seek a life in virtue.

You might also want to read my other articles about virtues – Click LOVE and HONESTY and happy reading.

Morality requires discipline. Each of us has a conscience. We know the difference between right and wrong. We know when we have done the wrong thing. We know when we have done the right thing, which result in a sense of inner peace and happiness.

Hit Triond, Write and Get Paid.

Image via Wikipedia

One thing in this world that we cannot live without is, respect. It is a very important need of all humans on earth that it sometimes takes precedence even over our survival. Disrespect can cause  such intense rage that people can go to the extreme of sacrificing their lives or take another’s life. Disrespect over oneself, over another person, country or even symbol can be a single most issue in our lives.  Not being welcomed-,in the right manner, being ignored, our comments being brushed aside rudeness, impoliteness , ,taking casually a matter of serious concern to us, not answering, being cut off in a middle of a sentence, being joked at in front of others, talking back, hijacking or monopolizing a conversation and so on. ,

One does not crave for utmost love, trust, compassion or forgiveness. It is respect first. Others come later .Without the foundation of respect, the others will not last. Disrespect is never forgotten and not easily forgiven. It is the greatest relationship destroyer. There is no simple mechanism to handle disrespect. It is considered willful, though in reality, it may not be the case. Disrespect is an act of violence.

Respect, like love, has to be consciously indicated in such a manner that the other person has to discern with it.  Not being disrespectful does not imply respect. Many a time we assume that being our normal good self is being respectful. This is not adequate. For respect to be felt by other person it has to be emotional and effusive. The usual words, tone of voice, gestures and body language are not adequate. It requires a little more than the normal behavior. It has to become a way of outpouring, rather effortlessly from within. It is always a great pleasure to watch people who show respect with ease, finesse, elegance and sophistication. This can only happen when there is an understanding of the structure of the self and its never-ending desideratum for respect. Lot of divorces in the world would not happen if the man and the woman give due respect to each other. Money hidden or expenses not disclosed between partners would not lead to confrontation if there is respect between them. Most of the divorces in the advanced world especially the United States will not take place with this understanding and undertaking.

The greatest gift we can give ourselves in this new beginning of the year 2011 is self respect. This self of ours needs to respect itself for it to function at its peak efficiency. Self respect is to do with our character – such as integrity, taking a stand, moral courage, commitment, perseverance, hard work, empathy, fellow feeling, It is just a quality we admire in great people is just an indicator of what we would respect in ourselves.

 Yet it can’t be all that simple. If you choose the easier way, obviously the risk of failing is smaller, otherwise it wouldn’t be easy, am i right? So the question is: “Are you ready to take the risk”. Mostly it depends on the personality therefore i suggest to first discover yourself as a person, before you jump into the cruelty of the “outside-world”

Don’t be like these girls in the image, who apparently, don’t have self respect. A lot of guys and girls lack self respect; They wander in life, not knowing that they’re doing things that’s degrading and just plain stupid. God has given you a brain to act wisely so use it. Self respect is more than just acknowledging your own strengths, fortes, assets, and other positive qualities you may have, but it’s also about setting high standards for yourself, having confidence, and stand for what you believe in. It’s really not that complicated, but it’s surprising how a lot of people I’ve met don’t have this.

If you’re a guy, and the girl doesn’t give you respect, don’t chase her. Say, “Nope!” I don’t care how attractive she looks or how popular she is. Set your standards and respect yourself. Don’t throw yourself away for the sake of stupidity.

Same for girls: Don’t be stupid. If a guy treats you as if you’re some kind of slave, don’t degrade yourself (unless of course, you’re roleplaying)

If you have seen Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, there’s a scene there where Scott earns the power of “self respect”, which allows him to beat his enemy, Gideon. Even though it’s a comical movie, its theme is true. Sometimes, you should put self respect before love, lust, or double cheeseburger. You get the point.

Check out the scene I’m talking about in this Youtube video:

Other links:

10 Wussy Moves that Men Do

Understanding the Psychology of Introverts. Why Are They So Quiet, Reserved, and Analytical?

I must confess that this was the first protest I have been to and I will remember it till the end of my life. I met so many people  who said that they have felt like never before when they went out to fight for their rights. They have lost their fear when they saw how many of them have gathered outside, all- united by one goal and they noticed they became more fearful and depressed with each TV program they would watch at home.  That was something the protesters had discovered on their own just by going out and saying what they think. They have suddenly found a better alternative. Now they could tell the difference between giving their passive voice by going to the polls and giving an active voice by going out on the public square surrounding themselves with like-minded, social entrepreneurs each time something wrong was plotted inside the Parliament.

Choosing activity over passivity is always empowering even if you don’t get results immediately. We all want to have strong and active kids but are we being the active parents and role models? Passive kids don’t figure things out they wait to be told what to do. When you leave someone else to make the decisions for you, you don’t live a free and rich life. So what kind of Bulgarian citizens do we create if we become DAILY the passive role models those kids observe day after day?! Will they ever learn to think for themselves or will we teach them to be obedient servants who follow the instructions of bad and obnoxious people?!  

Yes, the people I met on the protests felt the difference. They were no longer the people who will get up in the morning, take the newspaper, read it and clean their backs with it. They were no longer the senior citizens  who will spend their lunch time alone at home listening to the radio. They were no longer the people who in the evening will go back home from work and turn on the TV. Now they felt that they were calling the shots and they were creating history. It was their faces and their voices you would see and hear on the night news. These common people spoke better and more convincingly than any other journalist or politician. Most of the people who showed up were bright people who have lived abroad. They have had the chance to taste the sweet and the bitter. They had summoned the courage to say “No” to these health robbers. They showed that they are ready to act because they have become responsible and they have learned what “self-respect” and “respect for others” means.

Let us go forward not backward was the motto the protesters used. We were walking backward to show the politicians that the direction they have chosen is wrong. Next time when the support from citizens is stronger we will definitely have the power to influence the laws that are enforced. Till then we should work on establishing a new habit for Bulgarian citizens which is to become active and united.  Till then robbers of the Bulgarian citizens like Emil Dimitrov, a member of the Bulgarian Parliament and GERB, who was also the first man to push the idea for repelling the law for ban on smoking on public places, who also owns 50 % of the association ”Simeon 2″ and works with “Tabak Trading Partners” with its main activity – tobacco distribution, will reign supreme. Finally, it became obvious for some of us that if Dimitrov has been once a director of the Association of Tobacco Producers and Traders then he is offering to change the law for making personal profits.

This law has made a big difference in the amount of money going in the bank account of the leader of GERB Boiko Borisov who is still using words to fight corruption in the country and Tsvetelina Borislavova who is a owner of SIBANK and is attracted by the idea of having the say in ”Bulgartaback’s” future and especially the company’s privatisation.

Ventsislav Tsvetkov does not smoke and don’t plan to start in the near future.

Self-confidence can be a nebulous state of being for most of us, and perhaps with good reason. Part of you thinks that confidence is equivalent to idiocy; that it is a self-deluded reality blinding you from the dangers lurking in wait for you as you proceed through life.  But why is it the more you burrow and hide, the more pain, tension and general unhappiness you feel? It is because you’re wrong about what confidence is.

Confidence isn’t a lack of choice. It isn’t blindness, or a lack of control. It isn’t delusional or a make-believe world of naiveté.

Confidence is respect for who you are and what you can do. It is an affirmation of you’re legitimacy in this world. Being confident means that what you are and do is just as good and equal, though unique, as another person’s being and effort. Respect and esteem for yourself engenders self-efficacy in word and action automatically by cutting out your fear of standards that aren’t your own. All of this equals self-gratification, direction, and less fear about living.

Pretty awesome stuff this self-confidence. It is not a panacea though, so don’t be surprised if things don’t always go your way. Some things in life are beyond your control but you don’t need to be worried about that. All you need to worry about is what you’re responsible for, yourself and getting out of your own way.

Steps to a more self-confident life:

• You must build self trust by allowing your mind to believe your eyes. You must see the truth. Don’t look away for convenience’s sake. Lies about your reality add up and make you avoid trusting your perception. View the outside world as a parade put on for your appraisal.

• Listen to yourself. Hear that voice in your head, that inspiration, and listen to it. Don’t shrug it off because it’s your opinion only. Speak it loud and act upon it.

• Assure yourself that your actions are perfect for you and take away the authority of other’s judgments.

• Realize that others perceptions and reactions to your actions are not your problem. Everyone is responsible for their own world. Your needs are just as important as theirs.

• Take responsibility for your own life. No on is coming to save you.

• Don’t doubt yourself because who else will believe in you? Believe because there is no other way to live.  Without the positive why do, or be at all?

Hopefully these steps can help you find the self-confident life you’ve always wanted. Remember, rely on yourself because nothing good can come into your world without your effort. Life is simply a series of efforts so if you want a good life then, well, you get it right? Of course you do.

These days every time one turns on the television there is some scandal or another dealing with celebrities. You have the cheating spouses, the sex tape making divas, and now with reality shows it has become socially acceptable to even punch out strangers in clubs in the name of entertainment. There is some young starlet or another throwing up in bushes after a night of partying or remaking their whole bodies in order to obtain their fifthteen minutes of fame.

The saddest thing of all? We as a society have embraced such behavior. Granted we are trashing talking these people to our friends. We are a little shocked on how these stars act but we continue to buy the magazines and watch the tabloid hour shows that seems to feed the frenzy even more. 

An era had a moral demand of sorts. A scandal could result in losing one’s job. The movie stars were elegant. They cared their selves with style and grace. They had no choice. They wanted to continue to work. The greats like Lena Horne and Grace Kelly were role models that could hold their heads high. They worked hard at their craft. 

Now as time has moved forward Hollywood has become more forgiving but in some cases, I believe they are too forgiving. They allow the Lynseys and The Snookies of today’s times glorify bad behavior. The little girls from this time period can’t wait til they can find their own bush to throw up as well as having a group of yes mans to tell them how great they are when ever they want. Many times, it can even result in their deaths.

As consumers, we have the power to change things. Instead of buying the magazines and watching the shows why, don’t we become more selective? Stop going to these little divas movies. Stop buying their albums. Stop watching their shows. Instead, we should demand that they not only set a better example for the world but also have a little more respect for themselves. We can make a difference. We just have to demand more and not settle for less. Our children deserve for us to make our voices heard.