At the age of eighteen, I married the first young man who swept me off my feet, saying all the right words that I wanted to hear. We entered into holy matrimony, two children who had no idea what it meant to make a life-long commitment. Ten years and two kids later, my husband made a shocking announcement, that pretty much floored me. He announced that being married wasn’t quite what he had expected it to be. My mate, along with three other of his buddies, decided that they all tied the knot, at way too young an age. They had decided to get a divorce and start dating for a while. ‘And, who knows what the future may hold for us? Some day, maybe he and I would fall in love a second time and get hitched up, all over again!’ Was this hair-brained remark suppose to soften the blow and make this easier to accept?

I felt nauseated, like I was gonna throw up, then realized this was because my heart had just dropped into my stomach. Emotional pain was gripping and gnawing on my insides, without any mercy at all. This made death look like a place of relief, from the unbearable hurt that I was being forced to endure.

What ever happened to all those ‘repeat after me’ promises we had made to each other, at the altar of a church? Were those just a bunch of words we said, to get it over with and to make our relationship legal? The man who made all these touching vows to me, was about to walk out the front door and leave me with two little kids, to raise alone. He was robbing me of the family bond I thought we had established together! I felt like ‘life’s rug’ was being jerked out from under my feet.

After many years have passed, time has definitely brought about a lot of healing. But, the very hardest lesson has been, learning how to trust again. If we are constantly looking for hidden motives in every dark corner of life, the one who gets hurt by this the most, is ‘SELF’. Reality is, not everyone is out to get us, nor does everyone have an evil motive behind the things they say or do. ‘TRUSTING’ is just like learning how to walk, all over again. You just have to put one foot forward, then pick the other foot up and put it down systematically, in front of the other one. Keep this up and soon you will be able to run!

But, the inescapable reality is that you will look for the right lawyer and not all of them are that awful. Trust it or not, some really get into this profession not for making huge numbers or to defeat the pharmaceutical organizations.

Some in fact are desirous to help you out. Here are some of the elements to find out in your lawyer. Initiate these steps to discover the ideal attorney for the job.

Find out a lawyer that specializes in your area. This is crucial because you will desire somebody not only that discerns how to handle a circumstance like yours, but also one that will be up recently on the fresh rules and the hottest measures for your circumstance.

This simple feature can truly make a big variation. Numerous lawful experts have one or two areas of expertise as well. If you discover one that spotlights on your requirements, for instance visitors infringements or separation and divorce issues, you are possibly be able to count on them to discern more about how to handle your circumstance than somebody who is expert in business advices.

In order to select an attorney that you can believe in, look towards your Regional Bar Organization for suggestions on somebody. Not everybody has an attorney or retainer so it allows knowing that somebody out there is advising the one that you are opting. If you consider you can, ask buddies and family about their suggestions as well.

Once you select a few persons to judge, make it certain that you discern about them. You can examine on their pertinent experience and their history for situations like yours. Although this will not inform you just whether your attorney will win your situation or not, it is secure to say that it will provide you some concept of his or her abilities however.

Think about how well the attorney will be devoted to your situation. You can assess this by what he or she informs you and by how well they execute with you. Will they fulfill the deadlines? Do they answer your calls? Can you believe in them to be on there for appointments? Inquire them how enough time and effort they will spend to your situation and how many other situations they are handling at this time. You require knowing their commitment to your individual situations.

Carry out a questionnaire with the attorneys. Inquire them the questions that we discussed. However, if at all possible make it an in person appointment. This step will guide you to sense out the attorney.

Speak them about how they will manage your situation and what they can do for you for making certain that you will take over your fight. A knowledgeable attorney should be able to inform you comprehensively what will occur, when it will occur and why it occurs.

Let’s encounter it. We can not all possess the most excellent lawyers out there. You should evaluate retainer charges. Although you may be under the impact that you require the most excellent lawyer out there, you basically possibly not be able to manage his or her charges.

In spite of stressing about this though, consider rather what the attorney’s history is and how excellent he can carry out his task for the cash he will cost you.

Finally, it is essential to select an attorney that you have faith in. However, this can be something that many individuals don’t comprehend, if you do not sense relaxed with an attorney, you shouldn’t execute with them.

It is a wise decision that you should be able to discuss to them quickly and tell them the who’s, the what’s, and the why’s of your situation. You must be able to offer him with what he requires to be aware of. Having faith in your attorney will also assist you to rest and to reduce some of your own pressures.

Is there in fact an ideal lawyer of those out there? There is that one attorney that you will be extremely pleased to contact your own. When you take plenty of time making sure that the attorney you have selected is an excellent one, you can be certain that your situation, your lifestyle is protected and secure in his or hers competent hands.

By Muhammad Irfan Zafar

Content Writer

Fears and tears

·                    Children need comfort and reassurance at a time like this as they worry about all kinds of things. They are afraid to lose their father and worry that their mother will not be able to care for them on her own,

·                    They fear that a new man will come along for their mother and that their father will meet a woman and they will have to live with a stranger in the house. What will they do? How will they pay for things?

·                    They fear that either their mother or father will leave them or that someone else will come into the family,

·                    They see their mother in distress and feel helpless,

·                    Their go to bed at night feeling sad and alone and compound the anxiety they are already experiencing.

It is not easy being a single parent with a low-paying job who has to pay rent, school fees, food and utilities and has to be totally responsible for the family. It is normal under such circumstances for a child to be worried. He is used to having two parents in the home. He does not want his father to leave. His life will be interrupted. A few months later he watches his father sullenly with the new woman in his life and hates him. He hates his father for not doing enough, and blames him for the mess they are in. He wants to speak his mind but he is too angry to articulate what is bothering him.

Reassuring children that things will work out

1                    Tell them repeatedly that they are safe and ask them to tell you if they have any particular concerns,

2                    Make an effort comforting and reassuring the kids no matter how devastated you are and sick about the whole thing. Listen to what they have to say. Draw it out of them. Tell them to express themselves, and if they want to talk privately, let them, and don’t push for an answer.

3                    If their father has left and they are feeling sad, sit with them, let them talk, make a pot of hot chocolate, do some of the things you have always done, like watching a movie together that everyone can enjoy.

4                    Do all the normal things with the family that you used to do, like inviting friends over for supper or going bowling on Friday nights.

5                    Believe in God and believe that you will all be all right again.

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Therefore, if you are that eager to file and get a quick divorce, there are several tips that may help you and could guarantee a speed up process.

You have to consider it first before you react. Remember that meeting your soon to be Ex is expected, especially if you’re on the process of negotiating certain settlements and custody of your children.

Most of the time these kinds of meetings do not end up very well since it is expected that each side will exert its own views, opinions, and rights. Therefore, before deciding on filing a quick divorce, be sure that you are physically, emotionally and most of financially well prepared and ready.

Avoid committing dirty tricks, if you still have the tendency to act in revenge with your partner. You and your lawyer will tend to have some bad ideas and this may not be both beneficial for you and your partner as well as for your kids. However, it would be financially good for the lawyer since a lengthy divorce case definitely brings in more money in his pocket.

You may not agree with this, but the best way to get a quick divorce is through a constant communication with your ex or both parties for that matter. Get over it; you are both on the side of finally moving on with your own lives. Hurting one another will not do you any good, but definitely letting go of each other will make you grow more mature and get the chance of facing a brand new kind of life that you both each longed for apart from each other. Communication will definitely make the whole process easy and get what both of you want to achieve in less hurtful and quicker way. A quick divorce will save you money and will mitigate the stress of this life-changing event.

If all else fails, just like the speedy marriage process in Las Vegas, you can also find ways to divorce within a few months. You can find all the necessary divorce forms on the Internet, many of them free, usually provided by the state you are currently residing. This is a good ways to proceed with a divorce if you have no children and the separation of valuables is clear-cut between you and your partner. Proper council should solve a more complex matter, many divorce lawyers will be very happy to split you apart for a nice some of money.

So it is with her. Her past actions are moments comprised of a morass of not only individual achievement beyond expectations but also of indiscretion and self loathing. Her internal machinations of self worth skewed by accomplishments diminished by the constant inability to reconcile a past filled with violence, anonymity, and shame. In this she is no different than the rest of us mortals in the constant struggle to define ourselves.

At this moment she contemplates her fate at the hands of the State, not a state with a small “s” but the larger State comprised of government, authority without human compassion, the power of collective wills of her fellows become a system overrun with inertia. In one breath she seeks vindication, freedom, and the solace of her family and friends and in another she wants martyrdom as another victim of an emotionless and vacant bureaucracy.

What she really needs but cannot see is validation. Her past behaviors must have a root cause and some meaning to make her life have value beyond meager existence. Her sufferings, her promiscuity, self hatred, grandiosity, and even destiny itself must have purpose or else she will be damned to an eternal mediocrity. Often it is the weight of our own choices that bear down upon us unrelenting and without mercy. It is that complicated diametric opposition of her perceptions that rules her actions. The balance for her between aspiration and self destruction is razor thin.

If she prevails in her battle against the State for a crime which in simple terms is not really a crime but a failure of adherence to a set of rules that have no scale or degree of culpability then her grandiosity will proclaim her brilliance. If she fails and loses her freedom she believes she will become a martyr to cause that is not a cause. You cannot purposefully martyr yourself for yourself regardless of what you say you believe in. And in this moment, this infinitesimal flicker of time in human history, she believes she will become much greater than she believes herself to be. In truth she is already so much more than extraordinary, she only fails to recognize it.

She believes that she will either become the vanquisher of the broken bureaucracy that demands contrition of us all or the martyred activist punished for the crime of falling pretty to a politically motivated agenda. In reality, neither of these outcomes will be. As talented a mind as she has, and there is no doubt that hers is one of immense possibilities, she is not Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Carl Marx, or Alexander Solzhenitsyn. She will not ruminate and create Crime and Punishment, Das Capital, or The Gulag Archipelago while in confinement because of a single irrefutable requirement for legendary greatness, the willingness to trade her immortal soul in a Faustian bargain for clarity and purification. Her soul it seems is hidden behind walls of her own making so thick that nothing either mortal or ethereal can ever set it free.

Iconic writing, words which transcend both time and human understanding, are paid for by a cost so intrusive that very few of us are willing to pay. Suffering at the hands of the State or even at those of another is not enough, one must tear at one’s soul, exposing without restraint all it has done, witnessed, or believed, for all to see, risking ridicule, derision, and even contempt in order to cleanse the path from mere words to literature that challenges both the mind and the heart. It takes a brutal objectivity with oneself recounting and reconciling the past, the present, and the future with scalpel-like efficiency cutting away the façade of the flesh and allowing the inner self, the most protected parts of not only who we are but who we believe ourselves to be, exposed not only the elements but also to face judgment at the hands of the reader. To take possession of our own sins and then to reveal them is to allow the reader to peer through the lens of our own intrapersonal myopic malignancy.

She asks to stand alone and face this tribulation on her own terms and it is her choice to make. She fears that I cannot understand this malaise of convoluted motivations or worse that I might interfere with the outcome she hopes for or is condemned to. She is absolutely right in this. I am too much in love with this woman to allow her ego or self destructive impulses to take her from me. My selfishness would rise up and demand that she is too valuable to me, to her children, and to society, to let some insignificant regulatory formality dare to imprison her. I would use all that I am, all that I possess, and all that I could conjure through force of will, to keep her free and by my side even if she hated me in the end for doing so. Such is the power she has over me.

Love is akin to madness.

Latino Children Play Swing (Photo credit: epSos.de)

One of the toughest things for a parent to do is how to introduce a child to a new partner and his children. For one thing, the child’s first fear will be that he might not be loved and cared for as before and that he will be alone – that his parents will be spending more time with each other than with them – and that his mother will be too preoccupied now with her new friend and his children to give him the attention he has always received.

For a child, fear of being alone after a divorce or separation is high up on the list. The child might also believe that his father won’t have much time for their activities anymore and not come and see them at games and school concerts, or their. It is an uncomfortable and lonely time for a child. There are, however, things you can do to ease the process.

Fears and tears

There are several things to look at when introducing the children to one another. Remember, this is new to your partner’s children too. They will feel out of sorts, they might be shy, or even jealous that their father has another woman in his life. A child always wants his own mother and does not want to share her with other kids.

Adjustments

·                    Spend extra time with your kids. Suppertime is a good time to talk when everyone is relaxed and the children all have a chance to speak. Don’t make more of your child than the other kids. Treat all of them equally.

·                    Give your kids extra attention at night when you put them to bed. Individual time allows the child to tell you freely what is bothering him.

·                    Come to terms with the fact that despite everything you are doing, there will still be hiccups as the children adjust and get used to one another. There might also be jealousy.

·                    In your private conversations with your kids at bedtime, tell them that nothing will change in their lives. You have met a nice man, you are happy, but will not forget you.

·                    Have outdoor activities where the kids can play together and get to know one another.

·                    Treat all the kids with respect and the same amount of affection. If there is one in the group who is sullen and moody, pay special attention to him or her.

·                    Don’t interfere with how your partner reprimands his children.

·                    If your child is rude to the other children, deal with it there and then.

·                    If one of the kids does something out of rage, speak to him or her and remind everyone of the rules of the house.

·                    Go to church together as a family even if the kids are at your house for the weekend.

·                    Always try to have meals together as a family. A family who eats and pray together, stay together.

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Latino Children Play Swing (Photo credit: epSos.de)

Happy Children Playing Kids (Photo credit: epSos.de)

If you and your husband live a tumultuous life and divorce seems to be the best solution not only for you, but also for your kids, it should be entered into with a clear head, a good lawyer and a willingness to be fair. Divorce can be a debilitating experience. If you think you had trouble just arguing over the bills before, you are now in for a fight. It is the kids up on the block. You are full of fear. Who are they going to choose? Are they going to suffer? Are they going to be scarred? One thing for sure, they will never forget it. Divorce is just the toughest thing for a child and the ones who suffer most are the children who struggle to understand why this is happening to them. They love both their parents; they don’t want to be separated. They don’t want to favor one parent over the other. The family structure has been interfered with. Against this backdrop, their interests and welfare should be considered and come first.

The amicable way forward

1                    This is going to be a tough one, but first you have to decide who the children are going to be with.

2                    Discuss week-end arrangements and school holidays and religious holidays and Christmas and come to an agreement as far as how long the children can be with the non-custodial parent during school breaks and holidays.

3                    Make sure you state in writing what times the children are to be picked up; this can become problematic if it is not addressed.

4                    Get out your laptop and list the children’s expenses: clothing, money for school projects, groceries, doctor appointments, school trips, school fees, allowances, and a small sum for contingencies.

5                    Discuss how the children are to be brought up as far as religion and culture. There are dietary laws, personal belief, and religious holidays that have to be respected.

6                    There is nothing wrong going to your places of worship with the children. Bible study and study of other books are good for children. By the time a child reaches three and four he should know who he is.

7                    Discuss the college you both want them to attend and meet with the principal. Don’t bring a new partner along.

8                    Agree on the kind of punishment the children are to receive when they step out of line and stick with what you have decided.

9                    In the event of an emergency decide who should be called if the two of you can’t be found, and provide telephone numbers.

10                Pick a lawyer, both of you, who can protect the interests of your children.

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Regardless of which spouse initiates divorce proceedings, both spouses and any children are significantly affected.  The legal act of divorce does not happen overnight so there will be a period of separation necessary during which new living arrangements and plans for dealing with child custody and visitation rights devised, albeit these may be temporary. 

First, keep notes – dates, times, events, money spent, anything and everything you think may or may not be pertinent.  You and your soon-to-be former spouse will probably be emotional throughout this process so keeping a journal will help to ensure you do not forget important information. 

Next, compile all of your financial information. Hopefully, this is readily available.  It is important to get your financial information updated and keep the details at hand.  If you are planning a pre-emptive strike (i.e. the other spouse is unaware of your intention to end the marriage), you may even want to delay your exit for a few weeks or months so that you are armed with the information you need. Once you make known your intentions to split, your spouse may begin hiding information and will certainly be seeking his or her own legal advice.  Be patient unless you are leaving for reasons of abuse, in which case your health and that of your children is paramount to financial concerns. 

Decide where you want to live and also devise a back-up plan.  It probably isn’t a good idea to voluntarily leave the matrimonial home without the advice of your lawyer.  If you don’t plan on staying in the matrimonial home, what do you need from the house?  Far too many stories exist of one spouse leaving while the other spouse damages valuable pieces of furniture or “accidentally” drops your grandmother’s china.  If your intention is to stay in the matrimonial home, make that known from the outset and hunker down.  It will be a difficult position to take if you can’t afford to maintain the home.  If you are leaving (or are prepared to leave) the matrimonial home, will you move out of your current neighbourhood or stay.  Will you rent or buy? What will you be able to afford?

Gather all the relevant financial information and create a new budget based on a lower income and a different set of expenses.  It will help you recognize what obstacles you might face, how much money you will need to earn (e.g. if you have been only working part-time, will you need to increase your hours), etc., etc.  It will paint the picture of what life will look like for you financial after the end of the marriage.

Decide what you want your post divorce life to look like.  Think about the stuff in the house and the way you want the kids raised and the manner of communications.  Do you anticipate problems or do you think it will amicable?  Do you plan on dating soon after the end or are you taking a break from relationships until the dust settles?  All of these things will impact how smoothly the process unfolds. 

Before you go, take care of these things (if you can)…

• See the doctor, the dentist and the eye doctor;
• Decide the people to whom you will discuss things, will lean on emotionally and those people from whom you might need to disconnect;
• Open a new bank account and credit card in your name only;
• Rent a post-office box, get a new email address and a new cell phone that only you know about;
• Obtain a copy of your credit report to make sure that everything is as it should be (better to clean these things up before you are on your own);
• Take your vehicle and get it properly maintained and fixed up (you may be driving this car for a long time);
• Take a look at your employment situation – if you are not working, should you be and if you are working, should you be working more (or less) – make sure you balance your financial demands with your time demands;
• Document any insurance policies, RRSPs, pensions, benefits, annuities, legal settlements, joint debts, etc.  You may not be able to deal with them, but you may be able to change the beneficiaries on your insurance policies to your children or your parents;
• Do you have your own health insurance and will you need to get your own;
• Your will becomes void upon divorce (in Canada) so you need to make a new will in contemplation of divorce;
• Finally, start keeping notes and records of all child support payments made or received, all medical visits, insurance claims, uninsured medical expenses paid and visitation dates and times.

 Things women will do when jilted

 ·                    Pick up her girlfriend, do a stake-out near his house and follow him secretively in the car.

·                    When she locates him, she loses control and lashes out, accusing him of cheating on her. A fight ensues and she does not care if she knocks him down with her car. Both end up getting charged and spend the night in the slammer.

·                    Go to the man’s place of employment and tell his employer what kind of person he is and makes a big row; the man gets fired.

·                    Follow him to his apartment and insist on talking to him. Okay, men do that too, but don’t resort to telling the police that he said he was going to kill her.

·                    Turn up at the ex-lover’s engagement or wedding ceremony and make a scene.

·                    Burn or cut his clothes because she suspects that he has a woman on the side.

·                    Punish an ex-husband by withholding the kids and not letting him see them.

·                    Kidnap her kids and swoop off with them to the motherland and not feel guilty about doing so. No one knows the plight of an unhappy single mother with kids in a foreign country better than this writer who was in an airport scene.

·                    Hit the ex-lover with a pan on his head, and the girlfriend too, when she breaks down his door to come and collect her goods.

·                    Drum up false charges when she can’t get what she wants.

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 Now I could see it..the difference between in and out. In was real cause it had a relation to all that existed. And out didn’t feel as real..cause it was just passing by..fluctuating…Also cause it had only meaning for each one around projecting it or just thinking it might be real… 

 Now the paradox was clear….in was out of the bubble and out was caught in the reality of that bubble. Now, I could from inside, see how I was keeping that world together. I could also see in what way..it was just a lie..comfortable. The main difference was the amount of light that was naturally there out of the bubble and in me, and the total absence of natural light in that place around me. There was a separation, somehow…that looks like any movie with the good and evil. In my mind, it really seems so obvious, that good and bad were separated, giving meaning to one another, by their opposition. But from inside me, it made no sense. They were melted together and in that vision, I was free from them. At least, as I could see it, free from any interpretation, free from the fight between them…Now deep down within myself…there was a special kind of good…The good with no principles, the good that could hurt for the good…the good that was just the natural expression of the nature of man, the good that made the world a better place..for everyone. In the bubble, the good needed principles to support it. People had to think that they had to be good..it was the moral thing to do..but for principles, from what I see, you would have to fight against your will to hurt..your own need for good..No! now I knew…there was absolutely no need for life to be a struggle against oneself.. or any part of me. In the bubble, we tend to separate everything..so it will have a reason to fight..and fight and opposition was in the nature of that place…

  Now, here in my self, empty, I was full…full of all the life. I had no idea, and didn’t need any.. Now I knew…I could be sitting anywhere in the world…throught my heart…cause the world, right there around.. was just a made up idea, shared by a lot of people… Well strange enough, it didn’t make it real….