No matter how we deny the fact, a growing number of the present male population admit to having been sexually abused in their respective workplace. Defying society’s preconceived notions of male chauvinism, with men as the aggressor, isn’t necessarily what happens in real life. No matter how strong their portrayal of male power is, they too need some protection from workplace abuse and sexual advances. A growing number of male employees are officially seeking for judicial protection and legal option as they openly profess their predicament – being sexual abused.

Male sexuality, because of society’s precepts, is often misconstrued. They think that all males are incapable of being abused just because they are the stronger sex. And it’s just but fine for men to be at the receiving end of dirty talk, suggestive actions and indecent proposal — both male or female proponents. 

For its part, the World Health Organization(WHO) defines sexual health as a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity. Male sexual health, to be properly observed, must be free from discrimination, violence and coercion. Now with this in mind, let us ask ourselves, is male sexual health being observed in an avenue of chronic sexual abuse?

However, according to a recent study, men do have second thoughts in filing a law suit against a female co-worker or supervisors. 

There are a lot of male abuses that are being reported nowadays. With this, men are slowly opening up to the fact that they need not to conceal the harsh things that they experienced in the workplace. They are slowly being educated with what they need to know about healthy male sexuality.    

Sexual health, as defined, requires an agreement and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences. Men do need to enjoy these acts of procreation. But how in the world would a man enjoy such things under harsh and uncomfortable circumstance? (Yes, men also can feel awkwardness.) 

Observing male sexual health doesn’t necessarily only mean the ability to enjoy and engage in sexual activity.  More than that, it is the idea of protecting one’s healthy sexuality within his utmost ability. The sad part is, some male, due to the preconceived notions of male abrasiveness, keep mum about the issue and continue to live their lives as if nothing nefarious has transpired.

The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), the Federal agency in charge of administrative and judicial enforcement of the federal civil rights laws, enjoins all male who have experienced sexual advances and abuse to file complaint following first the company’s protocol on such complaints. They also said that if the employer cannot – or will purposely not – act on the complaint, their agency is willing to help you in all means possible. 

Men also have the right to seek justice for any sexual abuse that has been done to them. Being open about it doesn’t necessarily make you less of a man, but the idea vigilance further stress the mark of being a man. Keeping mum on the issue wouldn’t help at all. Being vocal about it, however, could call attention and would secure proper and immediate actions to be dished out to you.

Now that this has been said, let’s move on to the basics.  There are different kinds of abuse, and they have different symptoms and consequences.  This is important if you plan on spotting abuse.

The types of abuse are:

1. psychological/ emotional abuse
2. physical abuse
3. sexual abuse

T he types of neglect are:
1. physical neglect
2. emotional neglect
3. medical neglect
4. educational neglect
5. neglect brought on by mental health issues such as Munchausen by proxy syndrome.

Psychological abuse is the act of using words and nonverbal language to manipulate, confuse, belittle, and hurt a child.  This may include yelling, withdrawing emotionally, holding a child to outrageous standards, using a child as a scapegoat, and gaslighting, to name a few.  Symptoms of psychological abuse are often difficult to pinpoint, making it nearly impossible to prosecute parents for such behavior.  That said, some of the symptoms of psychological abuse are:
1. withdrawing
2. acting out
3. lack of self-image
4. often very parentalized at a young age
5. nervous habits (nail biting, etc).
6. difficulties eating
7. difficulties sleeping
8. vague medical issues (constant headaches, stomach aches, etc)

Physical abuse is the act of striking a child in any way other than that deemed by the state as acceptable for necessary discipline.  This can include threats of violence toward the child, or engaging in violence in front of the child.  Some symptoms of physical abuse include:
1. violent behavior
2. problems with anger
3. overly-conscious of sudden movement
4. withdrawing
5. suspicious bruising, burning, scarring, or welts
6. Problems with school attendence
7. Constant emergency room visits

Sexual abuse is the act of using a child for any purpose that involves arousal, seduction, or emotional dependence similar to that a couple might experience.  Emotional sexual abuse is somewhat uncommon and difficult to detect.  Often in dysfunctional relationships such as these, the parent will treat the child as “special”, give in to the every whim, and generally treat them in a manner that one might treat a significant other, while no physical sexual misconduct occurs.  Symptoms of sexual abuse include:
1. withdrawal
2. acting out
3. acting in a sexual manner toward other children that is not normal for the child’s age.
4. presence of STDs and STIs
5. irritation, itching, soreness, and bleeding of genital area
6. fearing visits to a specific person
*please note that most sexual abuse takes place between a child and a family member or someone close to the family

Neglect is a huge problem in America, and although the different types usually get thrown under the general “neglect” term, each type is very serious.  Usually these are all tossed around under the same term is because they tend to occur together and because they have similar symptoms:
1. generally appear to be unclean or unwashed
2. may appear to be underfed
3. may steal food or act extremely hungry when eating
4. have consistent issues with parasites, such as fleas or lice
5. severe diaper rash in children who are still in diapers
6. lack of parental supervision (or injuries from lack of parental supervision)
7. leaving the child in the care of a violent offender, a sex offender, or a known drug addict or dealer
8. giving children medication/alcohol/drugs or making these items available to the children
9. children may appear to be extremely parentalized (especially older children)
10.lack of medical, dental, or psychological care not due to financial issues
11. parent may seem to have a general lack of interest in the children
*often parents who engage in neglectful behavior will treat their children as though they are objects that they “possess”.  They may seem very interested in weather or not their childrens’ clothes match/look nice but may not properly feed, supervise, or educate their children.  This can sometimes make certain types of neglect difficult to spot.

Knowing this information, please, go forth in the world and report when you see behavior like this occurring.  Child services needs all the evidence they can get before children can be taken out of an abusive situation, and quite often they are not able to get that evidence in time to save the child’s psychological and physical health, or even to save their life.

It took the victim nine years to muster the courage to lodge a police report exposing what her soldier father did to her.

The woman, now aged 20, claimed that her father also locked her up in a room when she was in Year Six and sexually abused her.

She was only given food during those few days and was not allowed to attend school.

The abuse purportedly lasted for five years, beginning when she was in Year Five until she ran away from home.

She also claimed in her Jan 11 report that there had been occasions when her father tied her to the bed and also inserted objects into her private parts.

The woman alleged that she endured a torturous period under the care of her father and claimed she got the courage to lodge the report after four years only because her aunt had assured her that she would not be harmed.

Her relative, who requested anonymity, claimed the victim told him that her father had raped and sexually abused her.

He alleged the woman’s mother was aware of the abuse but kept silent because of her husband’s fierce character.

The victim had on numerous occasions complained to her mother but her pleas went unheeded.

“Her mother even advised the victim to put up with the ordeal to avoid annoying her husband,” he claimed.

The relative alleged that the father became more daring after realising his wife would not take any action, resulting in him making sexual advances towards his daughter in the presence of his wife and other family members.

“She stayed at the relative’s house until she completed her SPM,” he said.

Besides lodging the police report, they also asked Wanita MCA for help.

Its chief Datuk Yu Chok Tow said they would assist the woman in seeking legal redress based on the outcome of the police report.

Our organization works online with pedophiles every day. Real ones. Our abuse prevention programs are based on the information we gathered by infiltrating internet circles of them to learn how they act. Such first hand research gives us a unique perspective to answer this question that nobody else can.

First you must ask yourself…..how likely is this? In reality, the fear that a pedophile is somehow going to see your child’s picture, then become obsessed, go through the nearly impossible feat to identify your child in the first place, then develop an elaborate plan to somehow abduct your child, is about as likely as your child being hit with a small asteroid, twice in the same day.

Pedophiles are opportunists. While they may have preferences as to the way a child looks, the children they molest are based on the ones they have an opportunity to be around. And yes, nearly every pedophile is around children every day. We catch less than one percent of them, and they exist in a population well into the millions, likely into the tens of millions in the United States alone. Our organization has recently come up with mathematical equations based on the most widely accepted numbers, indicating that around one in every 20-30 adults has active pedophile tendencies.

This fear of a pedophile finding your child’s picture online, and then stalking your child for evil purposes, is nothing more than an urban legend. It has never happened, nor is it likely to in the future. It is simply not how they work. They do not need to go through elaborate heists to get children. Most are around kids every day. Even the ones who aren’t and might consider an abduction, are going to search for the easiest victim. They will pick one out based on their geographic location, not go through great lengths to try and find and stalk a child’s picture they saw on the internet.

While the fear parents have about this may be real, it is unfounded. A thief is not going to spend days fumbling on a solid steel lock with a thousand tumblers, when the door 3 feet away is already open and swinging in the wind. Likewise, a pedophile will not take the most difficult, complex route to a victim.

The only real justification to such a claim, is that pedophiles are picture collecters. Sometimes they do peruse through photo sites for pictures of children. However, the reality is this: The most common internet pictures of random kids used by pedophiles are taken with a telescopic lens, and without you even knowing about it. Beach pictures, in the mall, walking down the street. The family pictures you take and distribute to relatives without the help of the internet are much more likely to end up in the hands of a pedophile, and still may end up online anyway. While it is a discomforting thought for parents to think that pictures of their child may ever be viewed by a pedophile,short of locking your child in the basement, it is a reality of the age. Picture sharing over the web is a convenience. It is something loved by family and friends. When we breed a society where inocent pictures are too dangerous to be shared, then all we’ve done is added another atrocity.

Society would be much better off, if we could stop wasting time on these misguided fears, and instead apply the same effort to abuse prevention. Lost in all this is the fact that nearly every incident of sexual abuse is preventable, with simple steps that parents can take. The media has done a great disservice to the public, by focusing on the problem of sexual abuse from the extreme fraction of a percent, and reinforcing traditional views of pedophiles which are far from accurate. If parents don’t understand the way they work and act, you can’t protect your children. The ploys pedophiles use can be stopped, if parents simply take the time to address the things that make their childrren vulnerable to begin with. With simple steps that nearly every parent can take, just about every molester can be kept at bay.

We understand that it can be hard to find ways to address this topic with your kids, which is why we offer safety programs that teach kids how to defeat abuse simply by reading them a children’s book. Each book addresses a different concept in abuse prevention, and over the series your children will learn the skills they need to stop just about any attack. Instead of creating new things to fear as parents, let’s go on the attack to ensure that our kids are protected.

Sexual and Ability Arousal in the Abusive Relationship

I formed with a 27-year-old woman for four years afore she accepted to me that the alone time she had anytime had an acme was with the uncle who raped her alpha at age 6. This woman had been aggravating to put the corruption abaft her so that she could assuredly adore sex and accept an acme with her admirer now. She told me the a lot of affectionate data of her activity but had never been able to accede her darkest abstruse – as she got earlier she started to adore the sex and the ability that she anticipation she had over her uncle. He bought her ability – at aboriginal to accumulate her quiet. Later, she asked for things and gave him sex in return. She could never accept this afore and now she was assertive that she could never absolve herself. She began to accept that she wasn’t bankrupt down sexually because of the corruption but because of her acknowledgment to it.

How do you advice a survivor in this bearings accept that they are not to blame? The aboriginal footfall in this instance was for the adolescent woman to assuredly accede those

feelings to addition animal getting who didn’t adjudicator her the way she was anticipation herself. The next footfall was to advice her accept that she was arresting with the bearings in the best way she could. Animal dispatch is accustomed and not a choice. Using whatever ability she anticipation she had in the accord was a adaptation tactic. As animal beings we acclimate and survive in whatever way we can.

It cannot be said abundant times, whatever she did in acknowledgment to the abuse, she is not to blame; the abuser is the criminal.

Unlike added incest victims, I could not candidly say to this adolescent woman that no one would anytime anticipate that she was in any way to accusation for what happened. Because abominably there are those in our association who will not understand.

We are afflictive with sex. We accept a harder abundant time by itself accepting developed animal feelings. Accepting adolescence animal animosity is above the pale.

Abusive and Sexually Frigid

First, I would like to acknowledge you for demography the time and accepting the adventuresomeness to ask your question. It is not simple for men to accept they are getting abused let abandoned the circuitous attributes of your botheration due to the animal issues.

It troubles me if Christians feel they accept to authority on to the “letter of the law” and break in ailing relationships because of either the burden from aural or from the church. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming you here, but I would say you are a victim of a religious arrangement that uses abashment and answerability to dispense behavior. This is not the gospel, the actuality brings abandon and Christ’s adroitness is acceptable for all our mistakes, even the aberration of marrying the amiss person.

In fact, abounding would altercate that you aren’t absolutely affiliated to this women because you accept never consummated your marriage. The Bible says the “two will become one flesh”, however, this has not happened in your marriage, you are still to abstracted humans active calm added or beneath as allowance mates, but in your case the allowance acquaintance is a awful one from the sounds of it.

Your wife acutely has some abysmal changing issues apropos sex and repressed acrimony appear men. I would assumption that she was sexually abused at some point in her childhood. At the end of the day, you will accept to adjudge whether or not you adulation this women abundant to airing beside her as she addresses these issues of calumniating acrimony and animal frigidity.

However, it sounds like she isn’t accessible to accept or abode these issues, so you may accept to leave her in adjustment for the ablaze to appear on. The basal band actuality is you are chargeless to break or leave. If you leave, she gets help, and learns how to affected her accomplished which allows you to reconcile, again great, but if you wish to leave and move on with your activity afar from her again you are chargeless to do that as well.

TRAUMA SHAPES SEXUALITY?

When we acquaintance agony in life, we accessory those affections with assertive sensations and thoughts that were present during the alarming episodes. So if our young, innocent bodies aimlessly responded to arrogant animal acts – acts that we absolutely didn’t accept or acts that abashed us because of how and with whom it was accident – again we ability later, as adults, aback affix the accident with the activity (the physique remembers). Consequently, arrogant sex could in actuality become a arresting to the physique to acknowledge sexually, even to the point of orgasm. In fact, “some survivors acquisition that their alone aisle to animal absolution is fantasizing victimization.” (H. Smith, 2009).

Various studies (i.e. Wolfe, Gentile & Wolfe, 1989) accept accepted college ante of Post Alarming Stress (PTSD) in sexually abused children. These survivors affectation re-experiencing symptoms, including advancing thoughts and flashbacks and acceptable complex in relationships that echo the sexually calumniating behavior they originally suffered. Additionally, it is estimated that “about four out of 5 corruption survivors acquaintance advancing animal fantasies” (Wendy Maltz M.S.W.) which blush their animal predilections. Maltz says that it is not hasty that the repercussions of corruption apparent themselves as issues of sexuality, back it was female that was abused in the aboriginal place.

There are a host of factors that accord to the closing animal behavior of developed survivors, including amount of abuse, continuance of abuse, abuser’s accord to the victim, age if abused, rituals complex and whether or not the corruption became accessible ability and again how it was again dealt with by added affectionate figures. Some developed survivors abstain sex; others appoint in it promiscuously, while others artlessly aloof themselves (or disassociate) during sex. Those are a part of the a lot of accepted accepted reactions that survivors accept to sex. But there has been actual little analysis about how the corruption accurately shapes the animal desires and fantasies of victims. One such abstraction conducted by Meston, Herman & Trapnell (1999), showed a accord amid aboriginal corruption and developed animal behavior in the afterward areas – abundance of masturbation, ambit of animal fantasies, masochism, promiscuity and voyeurism.

Just in case you have been vacationing off the planet, or at least out of range of any communication, Jerry Sandusky is the former assistant coach at Penn State who allegedly molested several boys over a multi-year period. In November 2011, he was indicted by a grand jury on multiple counts of criminal sexual abuse of children. The media has not left the story alone since. No child should ever have to endure any kind of abuse at the hands of an adult; it is simply intolerable. However is it really necessary to cover every moment of every aspect of the preliminary proceedings in this case? Is this in-depth coverage actually helping Sandusky stay out of jail longer?

            Local and national news organizations descended on the usually quiet town of Bellefonte Pennsylvania to cover a preliminary hearing for Jerry Sandusky, only to witness Sandusky waive his right to that hearing. It’s a known fact that defense attorneys often request a change of venue for trials because of extensive pre-trial media coverage. They claim it would be impossible to empanel a fair and impartial jury because of all the publicity.  Since the Sandusky case is news all over Pennsylvania, where is this jury pool to come from? All of these pre-trial motions, while necessary to protect a defendant’s right to a fair trial, are probably going to delay the start of the actual trial.

            These delays also affect the alleged victims as well. It takes a lot of courage to come forward and admit sexual abuse as a child. Old wounds that may have begun to heal are going to be opened up again. Many of these alleged victims are adults now, with lives of their own. Even though many precautions are being taken to protect their identity, what’s going to happen when the trial finally begins, and simultaneously certain people take extended leaves from work or other duties? With media coverage of the events before the trial so inundating, imagine what the coverage of the actual trial will be like. Are these alleged victims expected to return to their routines after the trial and pretend that no one made the conspicuous connection between the start of the trial and their absence?

            Then there is the issue of repeated exposure to a negative event, and its effects on those exposed to it. Most people don’t live in war zones, and find it hard to imagine a life where they have to be concerned about bombs or bullets at every turn. But some people have experienced those very conditions, and they don’t live their lives in bunkers, hiding until the conflict ends. People in those areas try to live as best as they can; the horrors of war are ever present, but life goes on. It would be a shame if the abominable nature of these perverse acts against children were somehow ameliorated by extensive news coverage.

            If these allegations are true, what happened to these children is abhorrible. What purpose is really being served by covering every aspect of this event as a top story on just about every newscast? Is it really necessary to try the defendant in the court of public opinion before the actual criminal trial? Wouldn’t it be more beneficial to expose the events and behavior that allowed these incidents to happen in the first place? Educate and inform people about the specific conditions that allow these predators to operate, so that hopefully no child will ever have to experience such abuse again.

But her upbeat and resilient spirit isn’t just surface.  Comes to find out that Lisa has a few demons….no quite a few. She has had to go deep to keep her upbeat demeanor and focus.  This is one focused girl too.  This young woman was physically and sexually abused as a younger person.  On her season I didn’t know that.  But if anyone has watched this Season of the All-Stars and watched her with an unbiased opinion (in short not having such a fanatical desire for someone else to win) you may have witnessed a girl that was very confident in her challenges, took directions quite well, tried her best and pulled from a very talented area.  In real life she is actually a Singer/Entertainer so she has some things going for her already.

Lisa wanted to win, you could tell.  But more than that, it seemed that she wanted to leave a good impression, probably far better than the slightly mixed up one she left in her own Season.  I remember her in a scene in the pool where she had had too much wine and the girls ratting and talking about her so badly.  She spent a lot of time alone.  She was the type of girl that the rest just chose to pick on and she stood out for that.  I had a sympathy for her, but more I felt that she deserved a second chance.  I had no idea that America’s Next Top Model would do an All-Star so seeing her participate because of her memorable appearance before, made me happy for her.  You talk about a whole 360 degree turn around?  She was completely different and she just shined right through her competitors.

Now maybe 31 is considered ‘older’ to the very young but to me, she is very young.  I remember being 31 and looking at my pictures from that era, I looked quite young.  So does  Lisa but Angelea, the girl that is rumored to have been the actual winner until she let things leak out, could be considered just a little ‘fresher’ looking to some but not particularly for me.   The world is opening up, people are living longer and Models don’t have to be 18 or 19 to make a splash.  The win for Lisa can only up the stakes in her career.  She’s just that good and deserving. 

I am glad for her, after all, I did prefer her, Allison, Dominique, Brie, Alexandra and Laura over most of the others.  I must say I am getting good at this.  I should be on the panel because actually, I have picked quite a few winners.  When I feel sick and don’t like them but know that they will win, I’m right.  When I root really hard and watch their actions, they usually win.  I need a job….maybe I’ll be the ‘Predictor for ANTM” the next show.  After all there are a lot on YouTube and sorry, they are usually wrong!

I have always known that I would write this book, a book about how I healed from sexual abuse, but now that I am sitting here trying to write my beginning I can’t. I am unsure how to start and grab your attention; I know that I don’t grab it in the first few pages I will have lost my chance to help. I think that the best way to get your attention is to give you the cold hard facts. I know we all think we are part of some secret club but these stats say different.

~1 in 4 girls are sexually abused before the age of 18

~1 in 6 boys are sexually abused before the age of 18

~1 in 5 children have been sexually solicited on the internet

~There are an estimated 39 MILLION survivors of childhood sex abuse in the United States

How do you feel about these stats?? It’s about to get worse…

~Between 30 and 40% of victims are abused by family

~ Another 50% are abused by someone outside the family but that is known and trusted

~40% is abused by older children

~ Only 10% is sexually abused by a stranger

Does this surprise you? I know that it staggered me…think about it, 1 in 4. I am not great at math but to me that say’s a quarter of all women have been sexually abused before they reached majority.

          So why am I writing this? I am writing this because between the ages of ten and thirteen I was sexually abused. I am unclear on the time frame I know I was ten years old the first time, and know that because my mom was pregnant. Then when my brother was a baby it became a continuous every other weekend routine. Why every other weekend?? My father had custody of me and I had to visit my mother every other weekend. Please know that my father never knew…I never told him. I knew that if I did my dad would have done anything to protect me. He did know that I didn’t want to go over there and fought the courts to get rid of visits, but at that time mother’s rarely lost custody and he had a hard battle.

          Sometime’s when I think about it I feel enraged because I think that my mom should have known. She walked in on so many inappropriate moments but still didn’t see…this was her boyfriend and she did not want to believe. To this day I doubt that she would have believed me, except for my abusers  Dad called one day and asked about it, seems he has done it before to his step sister.

          Somehow how I managed to put this away for years. I am sure that it affected everything about the way that I was as a child. Most people say that I was a quiet and inconspicuous child. I tried not to make waves or be noticed. I believe that everything I am I have to contribute to this. Being sexually abused is like being an alcoholic, you have to get help to heal, but often you have to hit rock bottom before you get help. I hit bottom and knew I needed help…so here is my story and I hope that it helps you.

Chapter One

Rock Bottom

I think that I was about twenty-four the day I hit rock bottom and I remember the strangest details about that day. I could not tell you what time of year it was but I know that it was sunny and bright; I could see the sun shining in my windows but all I could think of was the pain.  The nightmares and flashbacks had started months before and seemed to build in both frequency and length. When they started they were was just little “flashes” that I couldn’t quite make sense of, but as time went on they got worse. They made me feel like I was going

crazy.

 None of the books that I read talked about feeling crazy, my world was spinning wildly out of control and I had no way to stop it.  I sat alone with my knees drawn up to my chest; I had a bottle of pills in one hand and the phone in the other. I am sobbing…crying as I have never cried before, my whole body was shaking. I was thinking of all the times that I let it happen, all the times I remember and those that I cannot. I was thinking of all the years that I had all of this bottled inside…I felt like a volcano that was just about to blow. Now for the record I did not want to die; I had a full bottle of anti-depressants and I wanted the pain to go away, if one made me a bit numb than the bottle should make the pain go away.

          I have read too many books to count about this topic and I have yet to see anything about feeling crazy. Am I the only one that felt this way? I could not sleep because of the nightmares, I could not eat because I was always sick, I had headaches, stomachaches, and panic attacks. I could not stand to be around people. Going to the mall for Christmas shopping was a big ordeal that resulted in panic attacks and tears. I hated every one…my mom, my husband, the abuser, and myself. Things were spiraling out of control and the panic attacks were coming more and more frequently. I was struggling to hold it together and do normal daily things

I did not take the pills that day…I called a friend. I do not remember what happened after that call, nor do I remember what we talked about. Only that she told me to take the pills and put them in the bathroom, I did not; they were my lifeline right then. I think that I still had them in my hand when my husband came home. She calmed me down but I knew that I needed help. I could not continue to on the way I was.  The panic attacks had gotten so frequent that I didn’t want to leave the house. I hated being around anyone other than family.

There were several things that lead up to my so called break down. The flash backs started the ball rolling. When I was 21 and in school and had a flashback…I told the school director that I had to leave and got in my car and left. I lived and hour plus from school and drove home. I have no memory of actually driving, just of “waking up” in my driveway. That was a very scary moment for me because to this day I do not remember driving, it was all auto pilot I suppose. The second incident that stands out is my brothers graduation. I was not able to watch my brother graduate because I was in the bathroom sick because I had a full blown panic attack. I was sitting in the bleachers waiting for him to walk and everything seemed to close in  around me; the noise and the people were suddenly too much. I spent my brothers graduation in the bathroom sweating and sick.

All of those things and probably more lead up to that day…The day everything broke apart in my life. It turned out that what I thought was the worst day of my life, in all actuality was the best. If I had not shattered that day I would have never been able to move from victim to survivor.

Chapter Two

Climbing my way out

So I have hit rock bottom now what?  What do I do to move forward and pull myself up out of the despair that I seemed to be stuck in? I was going through the motions of day-to-day activities but I was on auto-pilot. I went to school, got good grades, cared for my child and pretended to be ok. Inside I was still trying to figure out what is next. I felt as if I was trapped inside my own body and I was screaming to get out.  I knew that I had a problem but was unsure of what to do next. How can I get better so that I stop feeling trapped by my own confusion and terror?  The first step for me was to go back to the doctor who had originally prescribed my anti-depressants which was my OBGYN. I obviously needed something stronger and something to help with the constant fear that I felt.

Then I bought books, many books, trying to figure out how to “fix” me. The first that I read was “the Courage to Heal”. This is a book and a workbook is the best thing you or anyone can do to start the road to recovery. Every book that I read on the subject talked about feelings. They talk about feeling guilty because it happened. They talk about feeling scared, mad, sad….the list goes on and on. But never, in any of the books, did they talk about feeling crazy. I was sick all the time, to nauseous to eat and when I could force something down it didn’t stay. I had headaches all the time. I was scared to be alone but scared to be around people. I hated leaving the house. The nightmares were no longer little flashes but full horror movies that played every time I closed my eyes, which made me afraid to sleep. I was falling apart and didn’t know what to do. I don’t remember how long I felt like that but at some point I decided that I needed to talk with a professional. The books had helped some but they were not helping fast enough. I hated the way I was feeling and I hated myself.

                                           Chapter 3

                      Flashbacks

The flashbacks were coming more often than before and longer in duration. The first one that I had was of a dark room, I could not see anything but the glow of a lit cigarette. For years I hated my husband smoking in bed at night and this was the beginning of my understanding why. Soon I started remembering things that did not make sense. The first one that I had that was complete was actually the first time…funny how thing are out of order for so long then BAM everything falls into place. I believe that those images were kept trapped in my mind (repressed) until I was able to handle them.

The first one that I had was at the age of ten, and while I am not sure of the chronological order of things after that, I do know the age it started because my mom was pregnant and she only had one child after me. It was early morning and I had woke up sick and after throwing up I took my blanket and went to lie down of the couch to watch TV. Shortly thereafter “he” came to lay by me on the couch wearing nothing but red briefs. I have always thought that it was strange that I could remember that small detail. Anyway, he knew what would make me feel better…apparently holding his junk was going to make my upset stomach go away.

The rest of the incidents that I remember are all out of order. Many of them happened at night while my mother was asleep, which is why I have always disliked the dark and cigarettes in the dark. He smoked while he touched me in the dark and all I could see was the was the brightening of the cherry as he inhaled. I could smell his smoky breath, the stink from his cigarette as he exhaled and his sweat. I know it was summer for some of this because I started wearing footy pjs, you know the kind that zip up the front. They were so hot but I was hoping to deter him. It unfortunately didn’t. I remember lying in the sweltering room, with no air conditioner, wishing I were somewhere else.  During this time, my father started noticing that I was getting sick a lot. Every time I came home from my mother’s house, I would be sick the following Monday or Tuesday.

After a time it got worse than touching, for up until this time it was only touching, him touching and or forcing me to touch him. I don’t need to go in to harsh details, just that it got worse. It was at this point when I decided that I had to tell. I tried to talk with my mom. Unfortunately, like many children that try to tell, she didn’t believe me. In my mind if she did not believe than no one would. Who would I tell?? Now I know that there were many people I could have told. I was afraid for my dad because I know he would not have reacted well to this. Looking back, I should have confided in his fiancé…she could have kept him calm and things would have been so different. It would have stopped because my dad and grandparents would have died before making me go back there. They would have fought like hell in whatever court to keep me safe. That is something that I think about frequently…If I would have spoke up I would not have had to suffer for as long as I did. That is something that I will have to get through, the anger that I feel for not speaking up. For many years, I was very angry with myself because I did nothing to stop it.  The mind is a strange thing…I still have flash backs but they are fewer and fewer but they are unfortunately more detailed. They now come in complete incidences. For example one of the worst was one night I had a sleep over I was watching a movie, The Ryan White Story, my friend was sound asleep I can remember just wishing that she would wake up. “He” tried hard to have sex with me that night but I was a little girl and too small for him to be able to without really hurting me.

                     Chapter Four

                     Am I Crazy???

Once I realized that I had a serious problem I attacked like I do everything. I bought books. I believe that anything you need to know you can find in books. So I bought mountains of books but not one book talked about feeling crazy. They talked about the guilt, sadness, fear and the anxiety but nowhere does it talk about feeling crazy. I felt like I was slowly losing my mind. Everything was spinning wildly out of my control. I went from a fairly confident business manager, mother and wife to a depressed, anxious, scared and fragile person. The anxiety was so bad that I almost didn’t want to leave the house.

Christmas shopping at the mall was enough to put me in a major panic attack. I missed most of my brother’s graduation because while sitting in the stadium waiting for him walk the stadium filled with people. There were so many people there I felt like I was being suffocated. I ended up watching from the sideline after spending a significant time in the bathroom throwing up. At least I didn’t pass out.

The panic attacked varies…sometimes they were little: rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms, and feeling sick or like I am going to pass out. Others were huge…meaning I had to “flee” where ever I was, throwing up and even passing out. All this because of a crowd. I was slowly going crazy and I never felt so alone. Which looking back I again should have reached out to someone because there were people that I could have talked to. My mother in law at the time would have helped…had I just reached out.

I felt like I was so alone and I know that I was pulling away from the people that loved me. My family and my husband seemed so far away even though they were there the whole time. I was miles away from them and had no idea how to get back which was a very lost feeling. It was almost like living in a bubble…you can see the family on the outside but you can’t reach out to them.

Inside my head, I was screaming, going crazy and afraid to reach out to them. Afraid to ask for help and afraid to reach out to those who loved me. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was falling apart. I was trapped in the prison that was my crazy mind. I like to believe that I was able to hide the fact that I was falling apart but I know better. I could hide it from my family but I couldn’t hide it form my husband. He knew that I was falling apart and did everything that he could to help. Be he couldn’t help and I resented the fact that he tried. In my head he was trying to fix me like the cars he liked to work on. Realistically he was just trying to help.  I know and he knows that I am crumbling right before his eyes. I can look back and appreciate all that he did to try to help me..but he couldn’t because I was too far lost in my crazy head.

The books I read talked about fear, and guilt and helplessness but not about feeling crazy. Does that mean I am the only one that feels like that? Am I the only one who has gone through this that feel like they are losing their mind. I don’t think so. I think others do feel that way but are afraid to say so. I was afraid, alone scared and had no idea what to do. Which is why I decided to write this; I know that I can’t be the only one that feels that way.

The flashbacks which had once been little flashes were now full on horror movies that played constantly playing in my mind. The problem with this is that I can’t change the channel or shut off the TV. It’s there every night when I close my eyes. At this point everything is so wildly out of control. I couldn’t eat because I was so sick to my stomach, I was afraid to sleep because of the night terrors. The night terrors are the worst…It seemed like my now  ex-husband was waking me from these nightmares nightly. My ex deserves some serious credit…he could somehow tell when I was having a night terror and he would wake me. This constant waking from the terrors left me exhausted and bitchy.

By this time my whole life was spinning out of control. My marriage was faltering and nothing made sense. I spent many months numb and or trying to go through the motions of being a mother and a wife. I was, however, in no shape to be a wife. In my mind I knew my husband was not “him”, but my body just wouldn’t cooperate.  I knew that I had to do something but wasn’t sure what.

Chapter Five

What? I’m not crazy??

It turns out I wasn’t crazy. I had PTSD. Post traumatic stress disorder. At the time I thought that PTSD was something that war veterans had. I later found out that it was caused by any trauma. PTSD can affect anyone: survivors of natural disasters, those who have been to war, victims of domestic violence, rape victims and those who have been victims of abuse.

There are three types of PTSD:

1)    Acute~ symptoms lasting under three months

2)   Chronic~ symptoms lasting longer than three months

3)   Delayed onset~ when the onset of symptoms come six months or more after the traumatic event (Hansell & Damour 2005)

I, like many survivors of childhood abuse, had delayed onset of PTSD and technically I had chronic as well. My symptoms started fourteen years after my first traumatic event and they lasted much longer than six months.

How is it diagnosed?

1)    A traumatic event was experienced

2)   Recurrent, intrusive and or distressing memories of the event

3)   Recurrent dreams and or night terrors about the event

4)   Acting or feeling as if the event is recurring (flash-backs)

5)   Physiological reactivity such as pounding heart and sweating

6)   Avoids thoughts, feelings or conversations associated with the trauma

7)   Avoids people, places and or people that arouse recollections of trauma

8)   Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma

9)   Diminished interest in normal activities

10)  Feeling detached from friends and family

11)  Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep

12) Irritability or anger outburst

13) Significant distress and or impairment in normal functioning

I can associate with all of the above.

Chapter Six

It’s not my fault

It wasn’t my fault and it’s not yours either. Read the title of this chapter over and over until you are able to believe it. It will take a long time before you can start to believe that you are the victim and not the instigator. There is one incident that has always brought me a certain amount of guilt because I was wearing a skirt. I would not say that it was a particularly short skirt but I thought for a very long time “what if I had worn pants”. 

I have lots of “what ifs” that constantly go through my mind. What if I hadn’t gotten sick that very first morning? What if I hadn’t gone into that room alone. If..If..If. I have found that we can “if” ourselves to death and still not feel any better about the situation. It did me no good and it wont do you any good either. I was the victim, and many like me, were children. It doesn’t matter what we wore, or how we acted, they were the adult. He made the choice to do what he did.

It took many years to get the point where I actually believed that I wasn’t at fault. I was 10, a child who trusted the adults I was in care of.

~Its not my fault he chose to be a pedophile

~Its not my fault that I was a convenient victim for him

~ Its not my fault I was too afraid to tell

A child can not be held responsible for the sins of those who were supposed to care for them.

Guilt is something that I felt and to this day I am not sure why. I did nothing wrong but I didn’t do anything to stop it. Why did I let it happen? Why didn’t I tell? I asked those questions of myself a thousand times. Some do not choose to analyze the “why’s” but for me they were the guilty questions that circled my mind. Questions that I felt I needed to answer before I could be free of the guilt and bad feelings. I had to answer for myself so that I could start to heal.

Why did I let it happened? The answer to that is so simple…at least it is now. I didn’t I was just too young to do otherwise. I was a child who was too small for her age facing a man that was out on weekend passes from jail. I am not sure if he was a large man but at ten he seemed enormous. Do you really think that I could say no or even fight him? I couldn’t. I was frozen in terror every time and could nothing but accept the actions that were forced upon me.

So why didn’t I tell someone? I did…I told my mom and she didn’t believe me. I should have told someone on the other side of my family. I could have told my grandmother who was more like a parent than a grandparent. For that matter I could have told my Dads fiancé, I know that she would have helped if only I had said something. If I had so many people that would have listened and helped why didn’t I tell them?? Because I was afraid. I would rather endure the abuse than risk my father. I was afraid that he would end up in trouble trying to protect me. I know that him and my grandmother would have fought like hell to keep me from being hurt.  

In my own way I was protecting my family, the family that was the most important to me, and the family that is going to be very mad at me once they read this. For now at age 33 I have still never told them what happened. My grandparents, both who were very involved in raising me, have passed on now so they never have to know of the nightmare that I went through. I only have to worry about my dad…I hope that he understand that while I know now that it was wrong not to tell, I was doing what I thought was right to protect those I love. I know now that it was the wrong thing to do. If you are reading this and have been abused find someone to tell…do not prolong the abuse. There are always people that you can.