Stage 1

So we know oysters are supposed to be an aphrodisiac, red meat is good for the male libido and chocolate is reputed to produce hormones in the female of the species equivalent to a sex session!  Champagne, of course, is considered as one of the most romantic alcoholic beverages by male and female alike and, according to the Daily Express, researchers have discovered what gives champagne the edge over a pint of beer!

The researchers held a slide from a microscope 2 to 5 millimetres above a glass of bubbling bubbly so that the chemicals released by the bubbles could be collected on the slide and placed in a mass spectrometer – a machine which looked at the atomic composition of the champagne and then identified it’s chemical elements.  The experiment showed that the surface of the champagne behaves like the surface of the sea, where organic chemicals are brought to the surface by bubbles and then released into the air as little droplets called aerosols.  It’s these aerosols that cause an uplift in our senses and cause the tickling sensation in our nasal passages!

Stage 2

We’ve now paid the restaurant bill and are in a taxi heading for the five star hotel and indulging in a bit of post pig-out petting!

Again the Daily Express has published an article which indicates that, following recent research, a good 20 minute session of housework produces the same level of serotonin – the feel good hormone – as a new love or a first kiss.  Apparently it makes us feel good about ourselves.  This has been confirmed by psychologist Donna Dawson.  More than half of the 2,000 Britons that were questioned by Vileda on the subject, stated that mopping was their favourite chore!!  I take it Ms Dawson and the 2,000 Brits that were questioned got in a cleaner a couple of times a week as I’d definitely prefer a hug to a hoover any day!

Stage 3

We’ve now reached the Five Star hotel and signed in under the pseudonym of Mr and Mrs Smith for a night of passion.  Despite having dated a seemingly boring British male, the female involved in this part of the mating game is pleasantly surprised as, according to The Daily Telegraph, despite the fact that the British male is supposed to be less sexually inflamed than our fiery Mediterranean mates, this isn’t in fact the case!

The British male has been the butt of many a joke worldwide but researchers from Utrecht University in Holland who measured the sexual performances of 500 men in five different countries (US, UK, Holland, Spain and Turkey) have now proved that the award for top of the flops should be given to the Turkish.

Of the human guinea pigs who performed against the clock, it was found that the British male came in first as the had sex for 10 minutes before peaking.  The US came in second with a respectable 8 minutes and the Dutch third, with 6.5 minutes. 

By comparison the Spanish came fourth with just 4.9 minutes and the Turkish came last with 4.4 minutes. 

Unfortunately one poor man lasted just 6 seconds but another rampant Romeo put in a 52 minute marathon!

Apparently the use of a condom didn’t seem to impair impact and alcohol actually increased sex drive!

The study has been published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine – well, it couldn’t really have been published anywhere else more appropriate could it?  But I wonder why they didn’t include France and Italy in their research?  Could it be they were afraid both countries, known for their insatiable sexual appetites, could have far outsexed the other five?

… And for those on a tighter budget or just general cheapskates …

The date begins with a trip to a pub where they serve a good plate of winkles or cockles (see picture above) and a 100% beef burger.  Wash down with a glass of Asti Spumante.  Buy a bar of chocolate and devour whilst waiting for the Number 9 bus to turn up.  Take your date back to your bedsit, get her/him to whip round with a feather duster and mop your floor for half an hour while you hurriedly make the bed and then go at it hammer and tongs!!!