I went swimming one day at a public baths. A most striking man sat on the side. “Striking” because his entire body, apart from his head, was covered in tattoos. So apart from his face, hair, rather understated trunks (a neutral beige I seem to remember) and perhaps the soles of his feet, all else was a multitude of colour. Red, blue, yellow but mainly green. “He looks rather like and amphibian” I thought to myself while realising I was gawping rather rudely. My realisation dawned too late, his eyes fixed on my stare and, somewhat aggressively, he asked:

“What are you looking at?”

I answered in all honesty “What do you think?”

He must have known I was looking at him. Mustn’t he?

Spider Man

Face tattoos are just as disturbing as the full body tattoo. I once chanced upon a man who had chosen to have a classic spider’s web (albeit in red) tattooed upon his face with his nose acting as the web’s central emanation point. The sight was somehow quite terrifying but I don’t fully understand why. He wasn’t acting in a frightening manner, he merely walked towards me as we made our separate ways to different platforms at a railway station. I think the sight communicated with some primeval sense and the resultant quick beat of my heart told me “watch him, he could be dangerous”. Since then the only people with facial tattoos I’ve noticed have most definitely been dangerous.

Anyman

The examples above might be extreme but I believe all tattoos are abominations. Here are some frank truths about tattoos.

There is no such thing as a sophisticated tattoo. They all look nasty and cheap and with time, as they fade, even nastier and even cheaper. The cheapest and nastiest tattoos are those whose canvasses were originally firm taut skins but now are faded, drooped and wrinkled.

Sad tattoos include names. Some people have their owner’s name etched into their flesh to denote their property status. Sadder tattoos try to rectify this – after the property is no longer required – by re-tattooing over the name.

The funniest tattoo I ever saw was on a young woman’s lower back and depicted a leaping dolphin. For all the world, it looked like the dolphin had just leapt out of her knickers. Totally ridiculous.

Over 90% of people with tattoos regret having them sometime in the future. 5% regret having them immediately. More than 60% find tattoos unattractive.

Being tattooed is painful but having them removed is even more so. Tattoos can be expensive but having them removed is even more so.

I think the origin of the word “tattoo” is onomatopoeic from Tahiti. The rat-tat-tat-tat of hammer on pin on skin. But is this enough reason to add one to yourself and become part of the modern rash of tattoos? I think not.

If you are currently deciding whether to tattoo or not, ask yourself the following questions:

1) What will my tattoo look like in twenty years time? 2) Will I be able to stop at just one or will I end up like Amphibian Man? 3) Will, even the sophisticated tattoo I am planning, be someone’s idea of a joke?

Your answers should be: 1) Nasty and cheap. 2) You never know, maybe. 3) quite possibly. Hopefully you’ll decide against. Please pass this article to anyone you know who might be considering tattoos.