Lots of the perpetrators of these heinous crimes use boredom as an excuse when caught by the long arm of the law. 

” There’s nothing for us young folk to do ! “  they cry.

Bollocks! say I.  Read A Book !  Perhaps if you actually did this you’d not be so fuckin’ morose and only get a thrill by committing crimes.

Strangely enough, it’s been my experience that most people who do not read books, claim that the reason for this is that they never have the time to read ! 

Bollocks say I.

So for all you uneducated and slovenly young hoodlums out there, I’ve come up with some tips to help you get started on your journey into the world of reading.

Firstly, find a book to read.  There are copious amounts of…Ahem…literature out there, written especially to appeal to ignorant little bastards just like youselves, that glamourise a life of crime, drunkenness, drug abuse and apathy.  ( Much like Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous is full of people talking about how they used to get blind drunk or high, it is my sincere view that it’s better having young thugs reading about stabbing folk and mugging people than actually going out and doing it )

Secondly, to assist you in finding the time to read, rather than beating up and knifing old or infirm people or smoking heroin / crack, I’ve drawn up some opportune moments in life in which you can discover the wonderful world of the literati…

Read on the train or the bus or in doctors waiting rooms or in dentists waiting rooms or in pubs or while waiting for friends or when at a loose end or in traffic jams or in supermarket queues or in DHSS offices or in Post Office queues or christmas shopping queues in shops in late December or at taxi ranks or on long voyages by boat or when flying in planes or travelling by tube or when locked out of your house waiting for a locksmith or when your car breaks down or when waiting on your girlfriend outside ladies shoe stores or during the boring bits at weddings or funerals or parties or work meetings or movies or conversations or church services to name but a few !

Join me now in my mission to educate the youth of today by making a donation, however small.  All contributions will be gratefully received and will be used to buy books to hand out to gangs of youths congregating on street corners in a neighbourhood near you.