There is a growing fad for trying to do as many outrageous things as you can before you die, some of them seem likely to speed up your demise, as in bungee jumping or riding the rapids.

My bucket list is different. They say that when you die, you will kick the bucket so here are ten of the best buckets you could kick.  It is best of course to purchase the buckets first rather than kicking someone else’s. The window cleaner won’t like you kicking a bucket he still has his water in.

10 /. A cheap plastic bucket from a five and dime discount store – Not much of a challenge empty but a useful starting point, as you are not likely to hurt your toes taking a good running kick at such a bucket. For other bucket booting, steel toecap safety boots are advisable.

9/. Slop bucket – A bucket used by school catering staff to scoop up the uneaten food left by the diners. This bucket is worth kicking over on to the school bully who made your life miserable all term. Just don’t let him see it was you or said bully could drown you in the next slop bucket.

8/. The Bucket list – A list to dream about, forget about and live your life as normal. You won’t die regretting that you never got to swim with pilchards off Blackpool beach. True, swimming with dolphins in Barbados would be fun, but you’ll never afford it so just feed the cat and go to bed.

7/. Hyacinth Bouquet – A one-joke comedy character from the BBC played by Patricia Routledge. She was posh and called herself Bouquet as in a nice vase of flowers, but others called her Bucket, which got much ‘canned; hilarity week after week. The creators of this deeply unfunny tosh deserved a good kicking.

6/. Crane buckets are big and heavy. They are used to lift bricks up to the roof of a skyscraper. Kick said bucket hard. You won’t buckle it. Be sure the bucket is on the ground though or it might kick back and you will really kick the bucket.

5/. A forest fire fighter’s bucket on a helicopter – An ambitious kick, best attempted when the helicopter is on the helipad, and not in the process of dropping lake water onto a forest fire. Let the pilot get on with his job – plenty of time for kickings later.

4/. Frog buckets – there is a cruel experiment in which a frog is left swimming round in a bucket of warm water in which it eventually drowns from not having the sense to jump out – if you kick this bucket over you could save the frog and celebrate by eating frog’s legs afterwards.

3/. King Midas’s golden bucket  – Anything he touched turned to gold, and he may well have had a bucket so it may well be worth a good kicking Expect it to fetch a high price on E-Bay.

2/. Ned Kelly’s bucket – The notorious outlaw wore a bucket on his head as a mask – kicking this while in place might well have resulted in your own early demise as Ned was of course jolly fond of shooting.

1/. Jack & Jill’s Pail of Water – Which of the duo owned or carried the pail is unclear, and while it would be light when empty, trying to carry it full might well have been a struggle. If Jack was a gentleman he would have offered to carry the full bucket of water for Jill, but if he had left her to carry it she might well have kicked him down the hill, breaking his crown (skull). This fight might have made water spill from the bucket, making the slope slippery, causing Jill’s own decent down the hill too. It was the bucket’s fault. It deserves a good kicking. Find it and boot it. 

There, the list is complete, so upon your deathbed, don’t ask for the last rites from the local vicar. Just ask for a good stainless steel bucket and kick out at it on your perishing breath, leaving the World with a nice satisfying CLANG!

Sorry if all that was a bit beyond the pail.

Arthur Chappell

Peter fiddled with the chains on his wrists and tried to get the solid metal clasps to stop pinching his skin. A meal of Steak with Blue cheese and ketchup sauce lay untouched on the table. One of the two guards covered his mouth and whispered to the other guard,

“I’m having that steak right you get the chips! I said it first! Right!”

The other guard smiled and looked back at the floor. A knock was heard and the prison Governor spoke through the bared metal window,

“Open up officers it’s the boy’s Father he gets 5 minutes ok. Then the Vicar and the err, hangman are due ok?”

The guards nodded and opened the thick cell door, Peter Stokes father came in and sat opposite his son and said,

“Hi Pete I got here as quick as I could but there is a crowd outside I’m afraid, I’ve only got 5 minutes bastards!”

Mr Stokes senior stared at the nearest guard until he looked away. Pete’s father continued,

“Your mum’s not coming son she hasn’t taken this very well Pete I cant stop her crying, your sister is the same! Why did you do it son tell me this is your last chance?”

Pete rolled up his sleeves and said,

“You see it wasn’t my decision Dad I told my men and they confirmed my girlfriend had slept with Jason from across the road. They told me to do it Dad”

“Son you haven’t got any men you work in the plumbers merchant, and Debbie and you split up months ago! If you tell me why you did it then I can tell Debbie’s parents they need closure Pete. You knew what Debbie was like we all told you, I bloody told you! Your own father for Christ sake”

Pete leaned forward and spat on the Blue cheese Steak! Pete’s dad shot back from the table and said,

“What the heavens!”

“Sorry dad that fat bastard guard has had his eye on my Steak since it was brought in! see if he wants it now! Fat bastard!”

The guard just smiled at the floor. Pete lifted up his coarse haired prison top. There were deep red and black bruises with burst blood vessels under the skin, Pete said,

“Once you go that skinny ugly one holds me down and the fat bastard tries to break my ribs with his truncheon. Real tough men, two of them against me and me in chains, yeah big tough men”

Pete’s dad stood up and approached the fat guard and said,

“You touch one hair on his head and I’ll kill you myself”

The guard just continued smiling and looked at the floor. Mr Stokes said to Pete,

“Your dogs son, Mitsey and Rex what do you want doing with them?”

Pete looked up at the single bulb hanging from the ceiling and said ,

“kill them”

The door opened and the Vicar came in and waited patiently at the side of the table. Pete’s dad stood up and went to cuddle Pete. Peter backed away and began rocking on his metal chair. Mr Stokes went to the Vicar and said quietly,

“His mad Vicar my son, he hears voices and he thinks his a General in the bloody Army! For crying out loud he shouldn’t be hung he needs help Vicar cant you help him?”

The Vicar placed his hand on Mr Stokes arm and said,

“Its in the Lords hands now Mr Stokes we have to trust in him to save his flock”

Mr Stokes stood in the door way and said,

“Bye son I will see you soon I have no doubt”

Mr Stokes walked slowly out of the door as he passed the smiling guard, he fired off a snap shot punch in the guards ribs and the fat guard fell to his knees! The other guard went to raise his truncheon to Pete’s father but the winded guard said,

“Leave it, leave it let him go”

The Vicar approached Pete and sat down and spoke quietly,

“Peter is there any passage of the bible I can read you for comfort?”

Peter looked upwards and said,

“No Vicar we have a Bible at home it sits under the table leg in the dining room it stops it wobbling”

The Vicar continued,

“I’m here to take your confession Peter it will help your soul guide you into the after life?”

Pete leaned forward and said,

“Vicar at 6.00am tomorrow my elite Commando squad is going to break down these walls and take me to Mexico where I am going to plot my revenge on so many people don’t add your name to this list!”

The Vicar quietly left the room and the steel door closed. At 5.45am the hangman came into Pete’s cell and approached him and said,

“Peter Stokes please put this silk shirt on and when I slide the collar up this should stop the lacerations and hopefully this will be over quickly for both of us, and God rest your soul”

Pete stood up very calmly and spoke into the fat guards ear,

“10 minutes fat boy and my men will arrive and your first on my list!”

Four guards stood either side of Peter and he was marched into a huge room which was bare apart from a wooden stage with a wooden bar from which a rope was suspended. The prison Governor came over to Pete and said,

“Peter Stokes you have been found guilty of the murder of Debbie Jones. You have been sentenced to death by hanging. Do you have anything to say?”

Pete said,

“You haven’t switched halls have you this is the hanging hall isn’t it, see my men are due any time now”

The Governor nodded and the hangman pulled up Pete’s collar and placed a black velvet bag over his head followed by the rope. At precisely 6.00am GMT the trap door opened and Peter Stokes was hung by the neck until dead.

Please make your own conclusions? Should he have been hung? He was clearly disturbed? Was it all an act to try to get a last minute reprieve? Regardless of his metal state why should we supply him with three square meals a day and physiological help when a rope is the cheapest option?

Great Britain abolished the death penalty in the 1960’s there is a strong cry for its return!

Lord Banks

As a young lad the scantily clad women on the cards were eye opening and as a slightly older young lad, the innuendoes were well worth a titter behind the card rack. Of course you didn’t pick one of those to buy, not in front of mum and dad; you chose a nice view of the resort. Then you took it back to where you were staying to write out to send to your friend back home.

If you were feeling kind the message usually was “Having a nice time, wish you were here.” However if you were that way out, and wanted to remind him that he wasn’t on holiday while you were then it would be, “Having a fantastic time. Wish you were here?”

By the time you were into your teens then inevitably you’d be bold enough to pick and send one of the saucy ones.

During the holiday season I’m sure delivering the mail gave the postman a bit of a giggle.

The Benny Hill type humour reflected British humour that was popular in the late fifties, sixties and seventies and seen in the popular “Carry On” series of films.

They usually contained buxom women, hen pecked husbands and “courting” couples, and always the innuendo or double entendre.

The postcard first appeared in the mid nineteenth century.

In “A brief history of the picture postcard” by Judith & Stephen Holder (FRPS) they write

“The creation of the postcard by Dr Emanuel Hermann in Austria on 1 October 1869 set in motion a revolution in the communication of the ordinary message of no especial importance, the private note, the mundane or jolly remark, the ‘wish you were here’ – indeed any short note for which no real ’security’ was required.

Almost all the main developments in the artistic designs of Postcard art originated on the continent, in Germany, Austria, France, Italy and Switzerland. The two main exceptions which developed in Great Britain were the Comic card and to some extent the Real Photograph cards of social, industrial and village history.”

Jonathan Duffy (BBC News Online) quotes from a book by Collector Tom Phillips.

“They were classless and democratic and the limited space was a blessing to those with poor spelling or without much to say. “

In an essay in 1941, the renowned author George Orwell wrote:

“Who does not know the ‘comics’ of the cheap stationers’ windows, the penny or twopenny coloured post cards with their endless succession of fat women in tight bathing-dresses and their crude drawing and unbearable colours, chiefly hedge-sparrow’s-egg tint and Post Office red?”

“In general, however, they are not witty, but humorous, and it must be said for McGill’s post cards, in particular, that the drawing is often a good deal funnier than the joke beneath it.”

Donald McGill ,was one of several notable illustrators, who among others included Tom Browne, John Hassall, Bruce Bairnsfather and Alfred Lees.

Unfortunately for McGill he was the unlucky one.

In the 1950’s there was a public morals backlash and Watch Committees were set up in seaside resorts. This led to the 81 year old McGill being prosecuted under the Obscene Publications Act of 1857, and several of his cards being destroyed.

These are some of those vintage postcards.

They seem somewhat tame by today’s standards. It was enough however to cause confusion to the shop owners selling them and to cause several printers to cease trading.

After a couple of years this “do-gooder” attitude subsided and the illustrators and printers were back in business.

How are postcards faring in today’s “techno” climate?

In a recent survey the broadcaster ITV said that the number of postcards sent has dropped by 75 per cent. It showed that 67 per cent of those surveyed used emails or photos while on holiday, to keep in touch with family and friends.

And Donald McGill?

In 1994 the Royal Mail brought out a set of commemorative stamps featuring McGill’s postcards.

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Or for George Orwell’s essay

The Art of Donald McGill