Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? Have you felt trapped not knowing what to do? At the same time you thought maybe your partner will change? I hate to say this, but they will never change, unless they are willing to get help, and most of them won’t face up to it.

Abuse for the abuser is about control. Giving up that control is very hard for them. First they have to face the fact they have a problem, but how long will that take? Months? Years? And are you willing to wait that long? For that’s something no abuser wants to own up to. In most cases that will never happen?

There are many forms of abuse, only naming three which covers them in three categories. First: Mental abuse, putting you down by calling you names. Discouraging you. Telling you that you’re no good, because you can’t do anything right. Making you feel of failure toward family, friends and neighbours. At times you fear to be alone. Second: Physical abuse. Sexual assault, pushing, grabbing you,

throwing objects, biting, hitting with fists, kicking. Third, Verbal abuse. Name calling to put you down. Putting down everyone else, but himself. Making fun. Telling you no one else would want you. Telling you because you are over weight, you never look good or no one wants someone with kids.

What right do they have to do this to you? You are a human being and you have feelings.

History of abuse can come from all races, socio-economic classes, livelihoods, educational back ground, and religious partnerships, have known people who have experienced abuse. They had an abusive man or abusive woman and it was the worse years of their lives, but they didn’t know it at the time. It was a constant battle they couldn’t win.

They stayed together for sometimes months, or years and could never believe they were in an abusive relationship. They had never known what to look for, and this is why I am writing this because I know what to look for, because once I was one of them. I had to teach myself, not really knowing how, no matter how much I loved him, he would never change. He was very quiet, slow, never in a hurry , and selfish. He had very little consideration for me, taking advantage of the love I had for him. He lacked feelings and would never show any emotions. Things had to go his way, always. He was very stubborn, and thought love grew out of revenge and spite. He was jealous and tried to make me think I was the jealous one, not him. His fear was worrying that people were after him. His paranoia was so intense that he had me feeling the same way, this kept me hyperactive, unable to settle myself down, because when he spoke I was there. Lots of times I felt I was his slave. He locked up everything he owned, and tried in ways to do the same to me, and did the same things he bought me. Promises he would never keep and always found excuses for not keeping them. He had a split personality. Some days he would be good and other days I would almost be too scared to live with him. I never knew what to expect next. So this is what other victims go through. Instead of seeing their partners were abusive, they just thought he had a problem he could over come with time. That’s what I thought as well. They said they tried so hard to change them, by showing them lots of love, but it was a waste of time. There were times they pitied their partner, being one of the reasons to stayed with them as long as they could. They then began to feel helpless when realizing the abuser would never change. Everything had to go their way, and they said the a abuser thought everything that went wrong was their fault. That’s when they started feeling the wall their partner had built between them. They couldn’t get any emotions from them. They seemed heartless. The victims felt deprived, forsaken, and lonely. Some told me they didn’t know how they kept their sanity, and was afraid to leave. Afraid that if their partner found them, they would hurt them, even though they found out the abuser was cheating on them they still wouldn’t leave. They realized the only way their partners would treat them right, they would have to go get help, and that was hopeless because they never thought they could do any wrong. The abusers also tried to chose their friends, and would blame any quarrel they had on the victim. Their abuse partners could always see what others did to them, but never would see what they were doing.

Those interviewed told how sometimes when an abuser gets violent, you can see it in their eyes and hear it in their voice. They told about the hitting, pushing, shoving, slapping, and throwing them around, but the worse was threatening to kill them. Especially when the abuser was drinking. I was also told the victim would try to commit suicide, to get out the trap they were in.

One lady lost her baby she was carrying. She was two months along. Her boyfriend throw her out of his apartment and wouldn’t drive her and her 2 year old daughter home, and she had to carry her all the way, being about 2 miles. It is also a shame, when children are involved. It isn’t fare on the them to have to live that kind of life. They grow up living in fear, and thinking that’s a way of life. They then later in life pick an abuser because that was the way they grew up. Its like a circle. Honeymoon, tension begins to form, then violence.

The victim may stay because of financial reasons, because she may feel she won’t be able to support herself. Stay for the children, fearing she would deprive the children of a father. Hope, thinking if they could love them enough there would be still a chance for them to change. Being emotionally dependent on each other and this makes it even harder for the victim to leave. Then there could be a threat to keep the children and threatens to harm them if she leaves, and maybe harm her as well. They may blame themselves for the reason of abuse, in which there is not one reason for anyone to have to put up with abuse.

Another lady was nearly stabbed, because of jealousy, then when he couldn’t get her in the bedroom he threw his knife down, threw her on the bed and started choking her.

A gentleman told me his girl friend was so jealous of him, she shot him in the arm when he walked in from work one day. She seemed she was insane, he told me. Speaking words that wasn’t true. He told me she followed me and saw me going into another woman’s apartment. He knew who she met because he had been told by others before how he and this guy she was talking about looked a lot like me. She had never about the guy so she accused me.

Some victims asked me if I thought they were crazy because they would take them back over and over, when they would come back apologizing. “No.” I told them, “because I did the same thing. I knew what they were talking about and I knew they weren’t crazy. Love can be blind. It’s something people do without knowing what to look for then it’s too late. Love and fear take control, then you are trapped. Men and women go through so much to try to get the love they want from their partners but it’s all for nothing when you find out you have an abuser.

Another lady told me she felt she was in a world of her own, and she had to learn that when she was down, get up, and brush off and keep going. More or less preparing herself for whatever else was in store for her. She had no family, friends, and not even a man to love her, so she could feel special, feel like she was wanted. She wasn’t even sure if God wanted anything to do with her.

Being in an abusive relationship is something hard to break from. That’s why we should learn what to look for in the partner you plan to stay with. After leaving them sometimes you fear they may find you. Sometimes its too late for some, because they have been involved for so long they think they can not live without them, but it is nice to know there are those who get out of an abusive relationship and never goes back. Beware of the signs when choosing a partner.

Taken from the Liberty Manual for Group Facilitators and Survivors of abuse, written by Barbara Cottrell tells us to listen to hear if they speak with no respect of their past relationships, though this can only come later in a relationship.

Their temper may rise if things don’t go their way.

In an argument they may threaten to hurt you and may hit you, find fault with you, put you down, and expect others to respect them. If not they will be made to regret it. They want to spend money on themselves and disapprove how you spend it. They may take advantage of you sexually.

They should understand the difference between affection and having sex. If they drink they well find excuses for their drinking. Abusive people who drink will also degrade others and at the same time enjoy it. Controllers will take themselves seriously never laughing at themselves, but laughing at others. They will make excuses for their behavior, and have a hard time apologizing, and blaming others for their insufficiency and short comings. They’ll even think they know more than anyone else.

These kind of people can be very unpredictable and you might think they are giving in and letting you have your our way, but when it comes down to it they come first. No one and not even you can force them against their will.

But women and men we have rights as Barbara tells us in her book, for there are nearly as many abusive men as there are women. She tells us:

1. We have the right to not be abused.

2. The right to be angry over past abuse, and to change the situation.

3. The right to be free from fear of abuse.

4. The right to get the help we need from police or social agencies.

5. The right to talk about it and not feel isolated from others.

6. The right to be treated like an adult.

7. The right to privacy and to leave the environment.

8. The right to express our thoughts and feelings.

9. The right to fulfill our interests.

10. The right to legally prosecute the abusive spouse.

We, have went through a lot of abuse and hope to never have to go through it again. But knowing now what to look for, I think we can spot them afar off. The sad part is, there are still victims out there who are trapped, and are afraid for their lives, and some having children that are under the same abuse. Hearing it everyday and seeing what is going on. It’s sad and if anyone today is reading this I want to assure them there is a way out.

The way out of my situation was a long, desiring wait, for I was blind and could not see what I was really up against.

One day I fooled him. I went to asked my banker if I could borrow some money. I didn’t tell him why I wanted it but I needed him to back me up. I was leaving and he didn’t know it.

He couldn’t understand why I would want the amount I was getting. I told him it was to pay my bills and I needed it for other things. When I got the money I felt free.

When he learned what I wanted it for he was sorry he did it, and told me if he had known he would have never done it. My plan was to go away and start a new life. Those who get away can count themselves very lucky because there are many who don’t. It took me two years and a good fight to keep me from telling him I wanted him back. I guess most of what helped me forget him was the way he treated me, and I think this is what has kept those who turned their life around and never looked back..

So women, and men, we don’t need that kind of life. We deserve better than that. So with this bit of encouragement I want to add, we also have the right to,

“Not Be Prefect”