The day turned out to be very relaxing and invigorated us after the week’s strenuous and mind wracking midterms. At my age of 43, it’s not a joke to even imagine being able to come up to the expectations of my family and that of our friends much more my own presumption and belief that studying to be a lawyer and hurdling the bar exams is really within my grasp. 5 years ago, yes but not this time. Despite the good genes I got from my parents; quality education; right exposure & unending support from my family, I’m having a hard time memorizing and even concentrating. My classmates make “aspiring to be a lawyer” possible & easier. Regularly, we conduct group study and discuss our subjects. We learn from each other. Still, the exams turned out very hard and we felt like we were actually taking the bar. Friday night came too soon. We went straight to my house and asked my son to buy us beers. We felt celebrating and our spirits were high. Our exams are over at last!!!

And so, on this Saturday, my classmates and I agreed to spend time at the mall and saw “The National Treasure.” My day passed without any hitch. I came home feeling the strain of our day’s activities. It was also drizzling and the night was damp, the cold wind breezed from the windows in my room touching my cheeks. The comfort I felt soon made sleeping easy. I woke up after an hour. It was past 11pm. I washed and shampooed my hair. The water was so cold but I still took a quick shower to freshen me up. Soon after, sleep came sooner than I thought. My hair was still wet when I felt my husband snuggle next to me. He came home later than usual from his “night out with the boys.” I drifted back to sleep.

The dream came so close to reality. I mean, it was so real and the events came as if from the pages of a book I was reading. In my dream, my husband and I passed through a very difficult and life changing phase of our marriage. Turning back was just not possible. Emotions and sentiments were nowhere. We were numbed by our experiences before that we just stopped trying. He had series of indiscretions before but the “other woman” now in his life that he just can’t live without was also the same one who caused our near separation years ago. This woman came back for him bearing their 3 kids. It was so real I felt my own tears welled in my eyes. I felt the fast beating of my heart, “thump, thump, thump….” And I distinctly heard myself cry in anguish for the pain was unbearable. I felt being crushed to small pieces like an expensive figurine that once adorned our house and now being purposely ruined, crushed & smashed. No amount of piecing back the broken figurine will do. I was broken & smashed! The scene that followed was very clear…after all the hurts and after almost 20 years of hurting I was past caring. The hurt was so agonizing I held my breath longer than necessary trying to wake myself up. I told myself this is not happening. It’s all a dream. Yet things begun unfolding and the characters played their parts. I did fight for my man. The “other woman” can’t have him without a fight. But I sensed I was alone. Germaine was not with me. He was more concerned for the “other woman” than he was for me. And so I packed my things and left them. My kids went with me. The next episode was that of Germaine trying to sell some imported make-ups for P150.00 to my teenager daughter, Jenny. My daughter asked him why he had to resort to selling those items. He said money was scarce to him and the woman. I listened nearby and felt so vindicated. It turned out that there were days I would go to our house to get some personal things of my own (my make-up tray was still in our bathroom dresser as well as all my perfumes and my clothes, shoes and bags). I reminded Germaine not to allow the woman or their kids to mess with my own things.

I was already with another man named Tony. He was a kind and generous person who dearly loved and lavished me and my 5 kids. The material things he showered us were nothing compared to the love, respect, understanding & kindness he gave me and the kids. I’d been so lonely & so “unloved” for so long. I hungered for this kind of attention. I was verbally abused those years I lived with Germaine. He loved me but I never felt it. Tony’s various businesses and hard work made him a rich man. So rich he can afford to treat us for vacations both foreign and local trips. Tony was not bad looking. He had a kind face and dressed like a typical “big-time” businessman. He was also just about my husband’s age. By the look of things, it seemed acceptable to both our families. Our separation was never an issue to anyone. Even to our 5 kids.

One day, while in one of our usual family gatherings, I heard Germaine tell our family & friends that he was working on his papers for a permanent stay in New York. The cousin of the woman he was living in was helping them. Germaine was waiting for his working visa. The woman was staying to care for their kids while Germaine secures a better future for them there. Hearing this, I felt my whole world crumble to pieces. Yet, I kept silent and pretended not hearing anything. That night, I asked Tony to let me see Germaine the next day. I told him that I need to see Germaine so I will really know what my real feelings are for him (Tony). Being a kind man, never short of understanding and compassion, Tony consented. He never asks me questions. He treats me like I was a priceless object worthy of his unfailing trust. He always takes things on a daily basis. Always believes in a person’s innate kindness.

The next day, I went to our house. For the first time, I talked to the woman. There were no heated words…no accusations…no insults. After she assured me that she really loved Germaine, we embraced each other. We were both crying. I asked her if I can kiss my husband for the last time. She said yes and left the room leaving me and Germaine alone. I was crying and so was Germaine. When he kissed me, I felt so sad. The kiss was nothing but a friend’s kiss. Gone was the passion and love he had for me. I knew in my heart at that moment that I had to let him go. I also knew that my love for him was still there but I cannot allow him to see what’s in my eyes. I cannot allow him to know what’s in my heart. Germaine embraced me so hard I felt he was hurting he had to leave me for her. Tears were rolling in his cheeks when I bade them goodbye. As I was leaving, I felt calm and at peace. I felt no hatred in my heart for them. I felt sad but I knew I had Tony. I consoled myself that things will turn out right for all of us. I cried so hard I ran out of tears. A sudden feeling of remorse hit me hard urging me to accept Tony and love him with all of my heart, with all of my mind and with all of my being. He’s the only one I have now. There’s no turning back now. Wishing to turn back the hands of time is impossible. I willed myself to feel good I had Tony. I remembered reminding myself to pinch myself so I’ll wake up…this is just a dream. This is just a dream…I repeatedly told myself. Yet, I distinctly felt the pain of losing my Germaine. Dreams are supposed to make us happy…my dream made me so sad and beaten.