Christmas, the most “important”. Christians and none Christians alike celebrate this holiday. Christians to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, non Christians because they need an excuse to spend money on each other. Then there are these people “you can’t say Merry Christmas, it might offend someone” Oh, no no no. I will take you to the ground and punch you in the throat! Christmas is a Christian holiday (MY HOLIDAY). If I want to say Merry Christmas, then I will. MERRY CHRISTMAS! Jerk.

Ok, now there’s Easter. This is the day that Jesus Christ rose from the dead. Christians think that’s worth celebrating. You didn’t know that? Well, that’s because everyone commercialized it and decided it was a great idea to turn something as miraculous as resurrection into chocolate eggs laid by rabbits. That’s got to be confusing for kids. “Mommy, why are we eating rabbit poop?” “You’re not, it’s a chocolate egg and the Easter bunny left it.” “Why are we eating the Easter bunny’s poop?” Yea, I don’t know why you’re eating the Easter bunnies poop either little fella, just enjoy the desecration of my God.

If anyone, and I mean anyone, has a problem with my belief in God, I want you to know that I don’t care. “Justin, that’s narrow minded” Really? You trying to tell me that I’m wrong and you’re right isn’t narrow minded? Just save me some trouble, park your car in your garage (don’t turn it off), close the door and take a nap.

Moving on. Valentines day. This holiday is particularly devastating to men and their wallets. Regardless of it’s origins, the marketing genius’s at work have managed to put a price on love. If you make her something, no matter how wonderful, you obviously don’t love her. Only when you buy her a diamond ring does the love really count. That’s enough here, I just want everyone to know that Valentine’s day sucks.

Flag Day. The birthday of the American flag. Snore.

Lastly, Halloween. Ok, Halloween is based on the barrier between living and dead growing thin and then the spirits can cross over and reek all kinds of havoc with the living world. On this night, of all nights, it is the best night to dress up and go to random doors and ask for candy. Wait…what? “Just go with it. These are the same people who complain that the birth of your Christ offends them and say that rabbits lay eggs.” Right, good point.

Just to wrap things up. Holidays are fun, but they make very little sense. You want candy, go buy some candy. Stop inventing and manipulating holidays to get it. Communists.