A Job Application

Addressed to the Head of Tower Hamlets College.

Job applied for: Permanently absentee teacher.

Dear Sir

I apply herewith for the job of a permanently absentee teacher. I can guarantee that I will leave this job as vacant as it can be.

I understand that you must have been mortified when all these grading experts showed up the other day and your staff let you down in globo. After having been absent for most days the last six months, they suddenly turned up during that all important week, giving a completely wrong impression of the high standards you so strife to maintain. The mortification must have been humbling. I on the other hand will guarantee never to show my face in school and to hold true to the spirit of your institution.

I have to be open about my drawbacks as well, before you hire me, though. I speak proper English, and I know how to write and read. This might almost disqualify me for the job, I know, as it is not in keeping with the rules and regulations that must be in place when I look at your teachers. Furthermore, I even speak other languages, several word perfect and without accent; probably this will disqualify me definitely, as language courses are so carefully set up to give the unmistakable English way of speaking foreign tongues. But I have to be honest about such things as you might be further disappointed otherwise.

With me permanently absent, it will also save you and your staff from inventing new excuses all the time.

I would also qualify as absentee librarian. It must have been anguish to you when your pupils actually met the incumbent near the library just recently. I do hope the person got severely reprimanded.

I will not qualify for the job of bullying pupils over informations they give to the experts grading your school. I was very impressed by the ingenuity of telling pupils that they only hurt their own prospects when giving negative reports to the panel. But as a permanently absentee teacher, I would consider it a breach of trust should I ever meet a live pupil of your eminently high graded institution.

Regards

Lucas Dié