Why Job Applications are B.S

You know what’s B.S.? Job applications. In this economy, many people are looking for a job (myself included). This has once again forced me into the realm of the job application. Just between you and me, I’ve found some problems with job applications and it’s led me to believe that they’re B.S. Let me tell you why.

So what is a job application? Well, it’s something you fill out to inform someone of your qualifications for a position. This means there will be questions like, “Where did you work?” and “What skills do you have?” Those are fair and understandable questions. However, why the hell would you ask questions like, “Do you feel you are qualified to hold this position?”!?!? Is that a trick question? Is there really an idiot who is applying for a job who is going to say, “No, I can’t actually do this job. I just like to spend hours filling out pointless information.” Come on.

Another thing about the information they ask for, why do they want to know where everything/everyone is? Job applications regularly ask for the address of your previous workplace or the address of your references. Ok… why? How does that information help out at all? Does it matter if I worked at the Cracker Barrel in California or in Utah? Who cares! Some say it’s to help confirm the information you give them. Yeah, like you’re going to lie about who is who. Yeah, I know it’s so they can make sure you actually did work somewhere.

However, for your references there is no reason to include that information. The only reason I can think is that if they couldn’t reach your reference by the phone number you give they would somehow use the address to get in contact? No, nevermind. That’s insane. If an employer can’t reach your references they’ll probably chuck your application in the trash and move on to the next jerk. Why do they ask for this information? No one knows. It’s another great mystery of life.

As long as we’re still on the topic of the actual physical job application,let’s talk about space issues. Not asteroids, but the amount of space job applications provide for you to leave your responses. There is hardly any at all! There will be a question like: Home Address___________ And that’s all the room you have to write it. That is insane. You have to use a magnifying glass to read what you wrote if you actually manage to fit all the words in that little space. If you don’t fit it all into that one space then you look like a mongoloid that can’t use paper space efficiently. Hey, just give us a little more space!

More space is nice, but then there’s too much. I once got a job application for a very simple job at a convenience store. It was six pages long! And yes, it was full of those unnecessary questions like, “Do want to work here?” and “Have you ever thought about stealing”. Why not just make a box that says, “Check here if you don’t want to be hired?”? Cut out the crappy questions and keep the application short and to the point. Two pages is a maximum for just a clerk job.

Speaking of long job applications, technology has provided new and exciting ways for the job application process to be all the more painful. These over-sized applications actually begin with warnings that say, “May take over 45 minutes” Hey, at least they warn you. These are full of useless questions and fictional scenarios that supposedly test your ability. They do nothing but confuse and frustrate whoever is applying.

Here’s a typical question, “A customer is complaining about waiting in line for over five minutes, what do you do? A: Tell them to go to the other register that is open. B. Call for assisstance. C. Tell the customer to wait and you will work as quickly as possible. D. Continue as normal.” What kind of question is that? All the answers could work! It depends on the situation. That’s why these questions are horrible. They’re questions for an interview, not questions that can just be answered one way or another. It’s unfair and makes the whole process longer than necessary.

One last thing about online job applications. They terrify us. When you tell the computer to send your application in, does it really go somewhere? You don’t know. You can’t know. It just happens. A real physical job application you at least see go into the employees hand (a manager’s hand if you know what you’re doing). This process just creates uncertainty and makes the job application process unfriendly and takes out the human aspect of it. It’s just B.S. of the future.

So, I’ve mentioned problems with the actual applications, but let’s talk about the biggest problem. The jerks that give you the applications. You go into a store and get an application. You fill it out and then go inside and turn it in. The manager asks you to come in and you feel very excited. It’s your big break! You’re getting interviewed! Well, as it turns out the manager just wanted you to come in so they could tell you that there aren’t any positions open and they just like to screen potential employees. So you basically wanted to lie to someone and make them feel bad? What? It doesn’t make sense. I hope it feels good, you employers out there, to crush the spirits of those who so desperately just want to get a job.

Here is the worst thing of all and the last thing I’ll be discussing. It is by far the most idiotic part of a job application process. What I’m talking about is applying when the employer isn’t hiring. Here’s usually how it works. You go inside a place of business and say, “Are you guys hiring right now?” They respond, “No, but you can fill out an application.” Yeah, that’s what I want to do. That or shoot myself. Listen, why would I fill out an application if I can’t get a job there? They may as well say, “No, we’re not hiring right now, but here’s a piece of paper you can fill out for half an hour that we can throw away for you.” They don’t always throw them away though. Sometimes they put them in a file that they never look at again, or only in ten years when you’ve already got another job.

If someone wants an application they’ll ask for one. If they want to know if you’re hiring just answer the question. Don’t insult us. All this unnecessary questioning and rude practices just go to show that job applications are B.S.