Workplace Conflict Resolution Secret #6

Many conflict resolution steps are common sense, however they don’t take root until we stop to think about them.  Here is a step you can take for a healthier and more productive workplace:

Don’t Forget to Forgive:  The old saying “forgive and forget” is actually some of the worst advice you can give someone because you are asking them to behave in a way that is completely opposite to how we are wired as human beings.  Our brains were created in such a way as to store memories, whether consciously or subconsciously, in order that we might learn from them.  To ask someone to forgive a wrong, but then to also forget it is not only asking them to do the impossible, but to also forgo what knowledge there was to learn from the experience.

“Don’t forget to forgive” is a reminder that more accurately gets to the heart of what is needed, a release from the situation so that bitterness doesn’t take root.  Essentially that is what forgiveness is, an intentional releasing of yourself and the person you are in conflict with from the situation.  It means making an active decisiont not to hold the incident against them and to not dwell on it yourself.

Forgiveness is a skill and takes practice just like any other skill out there.  It can be difficult, especially when faced with a serious wrong where you have to remember that you forgave the person and actively release the event every five minutes as the anger flares back up.  While daunting at first, the more you practice this active decision to release the more you will find that you are not experiencing the negative effects of conflict.  Long held bitterness has been proven to affect long-term health resulting in everything from aneurysms to ulcers, from more wrinkles to indigestion.  If you doubt this take a look at the physical features of an individual who you know has a tendency towards holding on to bitterness versus an individual who is known not to hold a grudge.  You will see a difference.

It is important to understand the difference between forgiving and being a doormat.  There are many small slights that can happen during a day which we can choose to forgive with no further action being required.  However if the issue needs addressing, a person with healthy conflict resolution skills will take action to speak with the person they have a problem with and continue through the steps of conflict resolution as necessary (see Secrets 2-5).  To forgive without ever addressing any conflicts is an avoidance tactic and has its own negative effects. 

A great deal of attention has been given to studying forgiveness and its link to physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and social health.  For more information search medical and pyschology websites or periodicals and see the benefits that forgiveness has to offer!